The night before the beginning...

If I said I wasn’t a bit nervous about tomorrow, I’d be lying.
I know that I am only starting the 2 month liquid diet but it’s quite a big deal. I have so many feelings bottled up but am not sure how to express them and after this weekend (Brad’s and my 2nd Wedding Anniversary) a lot of other feelings popped up as well.

Tomorrow is the start of something new. Something a bit scary. Something exciting. Something awesome. The start of a journey that is going to change so many aspects of my life forever. I feel calm yet panicked. Equipped yet totally unprepared. I guess it’s because it’s something new and anything new can bring up all sorts of different feelings.

As tomorrow has been getting closer, I have been making preparations. When I think about what I have done, it doesn’t seem like much but when I write it, I am amazed at how much I’ve actually done!

- I have purchased 6 boxes of Optifast.

- I have bought bottles of water to store in the fridge so I always have something cold to mix my shakes with (they can’t be mixed with milk).

- I have bought some diet cordials (a few bottles – one for work and one for home).

- I have picked some decent looking diet jellies which can count toward my fluid intake for the day.

- I have a funky purple book and new pens (yay!) to jot down what time I’ve had my shakes and how much I’ve been drinking (and what I’ve been drinking).

- I have spent way too much money on hot pink drink bottles and shakers (mainly for when I am at work) but they are so cool. I also have some straws and some different cups so that I can vary the way I consume my shakes so that I trick my brain into thinking that I am having something different each time!

- I bought ice trays (to leave at work – I am going to label these – if ANYONE steals my Ice, I am going to go BIZURK).

- I shall continue to source out essences to flavour my Vanilla Optislim with to make it more exciting (Safeway didn’t show me much love in their cake making department...).

- I have asked Mum to compile a list of leafy greens. I don’t want to depress myself with the options that may seem limited. I shall mix it up and make a meal plan on Tuesday when I have a bit more time.

- I’ve made my appointment with the dietician and the physician. I have one for next week and one for the week after.

- I have purchased some scales that will weigh me!

Over the past week or so, I’ve really started to feel depressed about my weight. Maybe because I know that I am finally taking the positive step to make a change. Things like climbing up or down stairs, playing mini golf, rolling over in bed, getting up and down off the couch, sitting in general (I look like a ball), eating in public, going out in public, going in a lift, being at the movies, walking around the market – pretty much every place I have been, I have noticed that I’ll feel better once I have lost weight. Even a few kilograms will make a huge difference.

I look forward to when my ankles aren’t swollen at the end of the day, I look forward to when I don’t have to have people staring at my ‘lower’ stomach (which they do constantly), I am SICK of being told ‘it’s such a shame because you have such a pretty face’, when I can eat to be nourished rather than eat because it’s there – to use food as a tool to live rather than use it how I do now. When I don’t have to be paranoid about stepping into a lift, onto a bus, into a train. When I can use the stairs rather than the escalator because I’ll have the energy. To not have rashes in awkward places because of heat or rubbing. To be able to run after my Kids and kick the football around. To have the energy to make it through a day without needing to sit down. To be able to play mini golf with 2 hands rather than one because my stomach is in the way. To be healthy. To not sweat for no reason at all. To not have the defend the horrible taunts and jests that are made to me almost every day. To be able walk without getting sore hips. To use my lap top as a lap top rather than a stomach top. To not be able to change the babies nappies on my stomach. To go clothes shopping with my friends. To go on a plane. To feel pretty. To do the fun things that I want to do and not feel embarrassed to do them because I am big – it’s amazing how many things people think you shouldn’t do just because you’re fat – sitting on the Elephant at the Zoo for example is something that is just ‘not acceptable’. When I don’t have to use the chair that was specially ordered in for me at work. When I can shout out loud ‘I AM OVERWEIGHT’ rather than ‘I AM SUPER OBESE’. To go to my next School Reunion and walk in and not have to say a word as my being there will just say it all.

I am having my ‘last meal’ tonight – I am having a big piece of lean steak, some vegies, some pan bread, some wedges and some watermelon. These are the things that I thought I’d miss the most in the next 2 months.

So, here’s the plan. Weigh day is on a Monday (I shall create a special page for weigh ins). I am not going to do my measurements at this stage – I can’t find my tape measure that is long enough (that’s not a joke – I am deadly serious). I shall buy one of these and will do measurements then. I will weigh myself when I get up on a Monday morning (around 5.15am – ick, I know). I will post it up here. FINGERS CROSSED that by next week I have shifted a few Kilograms. If not, I won’t be discouraged, I will only try harder. I will also write up what I have had to drink, when and what I ate and how much for each day. I am not only doing this as a record of my journey but also to hopefully inspire others when I succeed.

I should also mention at this point that this blog will be a ‘bear all’ write up of what I go through. Some of it might not be pleasant or what you want to read but it will be real. I am one of these people who tell it how it is. It’s not to everyone’s liking but leaving things out is of no benefit to me or those who I hope lives will be changed because of my journey.

I’m just getting used to this blog site – when I become more accustomed to it, I hope it looks a bit better than what it does! It’s quite plain at the moment. Over the months as it fills up with information, photos, stories and achievements, I will be pleased :)

I want to thank each and everyone one of you for being there for me. If you’re reading this, I’m talking to you. Your comments on Facebook, Emails, SMS messages, comments on here (I’m yet to get any – hint hint!) are great motivation for me and these are the sorts of things that are going to keep me going. Please keep them coming. I CAN DO THIS. I WILL DO THIS. I NEED TO DO THIS. I WANT TO DO THIS.