Day 5 - does anyone know where I can buy a food patch from?

I'll try and make this as short as possible but it may be a bit long... I need to vent!

I am such a moody cow today.

I went to work today (I'm only part time - Monday, Wednesday and Friday).  I got in at 7.20.  I got up at 5.30am and had my shake at 8.30am.  I started drinking some Ribeena lite at 5.30am and finished that at around about 11am (750mls worth).

We had morning tea at work today (which I knew about as Cath put up a picture of her Lamington cup cakes on Facebook last night).  I wasn't going to go across to the table where everyone was sitting but I felt so anti social seem as everyone was sitting only 5 metres away from me so I sat down with everyone with my left over Ribeena and some sugar free lollies.  One of the guys at work made Nachos (GRRR) and when I gave up smoking, I used to enjoy passive smoking for a few minutes (I sometimes still do) and today I enjoyed 'passive eating' the nachos and the carrot cake and the tim tams and the lamington cup cakes and the shapes.  It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be to resist although I am still very proud of myself for being in my first social setting where food is involved when I haven't eaten anything.

The aftermath of the morning tea at work!

For lunch, I had a Chocolate Optifast.  This was at about 1.30pm.  I had to force myself to drink it as I didn't feel like it at all.  I wasn't hungry or anything.  I did plan on drinking my other 750ml of fluid but, I couldn't stomach it.  I just didn't feel like it.

I went home an hour early with a headache.  I got off at North Melbourne when these 2 girls started pointing and laughing at me.  I shouldn't judge but they both looked as though they had just walked off from night shift on Grey Street in St Kilda and here they were pointing at me laughing about my size?  A few minutes later, this Man came down the Escalator (he was very drunk) and started picking on them.  Talking about their fake eyelashes and their damaged hair and the fact they had next to no eyebrows and so much make up on that their faces would crack if they smiled.  He did have a point... I felt like asking them both 'it doesn't feel nice to be picked on, does it?' but, I thought I'd leave it.  The Metro Man came over and told them to stand at separate ends of the Platforms.  The Man walked off.  The girls stood there swearing saying how he's just jealous that he can't get a 'piece of arse like them'.  Then their train pulled up - it was headed to Broadmeadows (not including Mr and Mrs T in this statement xoxo).  Need I say more...

At this point, I felt like crap!  I am not sure why at that moment did I feel so bad but, it really got to me.  Maybe because I thought I'd gotten through the day without being picked on by someone on the train or because I was hungry or tired or grumpy but, I just felt like crying.

I got on the train and read some of my Shane Crawford book to cheer me up.

When we got to Melton, I had an hour or so to wait until Brad got to the Station with the keys.  I rang Mum and spoke to her for a few minutes.  I knew she knew something was up but I didn't let on.  I sat in the waiting and kept reading my book.  I enjoyed the peace and quiet and the time to myself. 

When Brad arrived, we went and picked up the Kids.  It's Friday night.  Take away night.  The Kids decided that they wanted to have Hungry Jacks.  Brad decided that he was going to have Pasta from LaPorchetta.  I am having the usual - 2 cups of salad.

I thought that I'd find it hard to resist a chip when the bag of Hungry Jacks came in through the window but it wasn't hard at all as I saw the view of myself as I looked down that I want to get rid of, the chips didn't even tempt me.

This is a picture of me which I took myself. It's taken from about head height. It's not supposed to be flattering, pretty, nice, like able, tasteful, dignified - it's supposed to be real, which it is.  It's my Stomach and this is what turned me off having the chips tonight and I'm pleased that I had this as something to motivate me and keep me going.  It's moments like this that are going to keep that switch turned on. 

When I thought the worst was over, I got home and checked the mail.  A letter had arrived from Dr Winnett.  I am drawing from my Superannuation to cover the cost of the Surgery ($3500).  Dr Winnett had to write me a letter that I could send to APRA (the people who authorise the early release of Superannuation for medical reasons).  When I opened it, this is what it said...

Stephanie is suffering from a life threatening illness for which treatment is not readily available through the public health system.

I just started to cry.  To read that I have a life threatening illness.  It was there in black and white.  I knew they were the words that would be written as these were the words that I had quoted to my GP the night before as he also needs to put in a written submission but to actually see the words in writing with my name involved really hit home.

At around 8pm, I had my third chocolate Optifast for the day.  I probably should start drinking the Vanilla ones (or at least learn how to flavour them so they don't taste icky) so that I don't run out of Chocolate ones!

I'm currently munching on my salad with the fat free dressing and I'm having 2 really thin slices of very low fat tasty cheese. 

Temptations resisted today - tim tams, nachos, corn chips, carrot cake, hungry jacks, la porchetta pasta, shapes, potato cakes covered with vinegar, a cheese toastie, left over chicken chasseur and sushi :)