Friday, August 27, 2010

Day 18 - SO many appointments! And lots to say!

Today was quite an exciting day (this may be a long entry...).

I had my appointment with Dr Jeremy Goldin.  He is a Physician.  It is important that I see him prior to my surgery to ensure that I am breathing well, I am not suffering any undiagnosed conditions such as sleep apnoea and that my lung and heart function is all good.

First up was a breathing test.  I had to put this big thing in my mouth and take a normal breath in and then a normal breath out.  Then I had to breathe in as quick as I could and then exhale as fast as I could for as long as possible.  I had to do this a number of times.  Considering I'm still getting over this chest infection, I did quite well!  My lung function is normal.  I coughed after every series of breaths and laughed because I was getting a head spin but it's nice to have a big tick next to something!

I then met Dr Goldin.  He went over the questionnaire that I filled out.  We spoke about how many general anesthetics I have had, if I'd had any problems with them, when my last one was, what weight I was when I had my last general anesthetic - lots of questions.  We spoke about the fact that I snore and I often stop breathing in my sleep (something that i have been aware of for some time) and he has requested that I have a sleep study.  I'll need to spend the night at Western Private and I'll have some things wired to me whilst I sleep and someone will monitor my movements.  Lets hope I don't say anything embarrassing as I often talk in my sleep!

I then had an ECG which came up normal.  At this point, i had been at the clinic for around about an hour and it was during the time when I was having the ECG that I felt as though I was about to cry.  I think it's because I still have a migraine from yesterday and I am feeling quite fragile but, it all came to a head.  It was then and there that I realised what I am going to do in 5 and a half weeks.  And I felt scared.

After my ECG, I had an ultrasound of my heart.  This part is hard to explain.  Everything was normal which is great however, the last time I had an ultrasound of anything was when I was pregnant with the twins.  I remember going in there, looking at the black and white figures on the screen, feeling an enormous amount of love and protection for these 2 little people who were growing inside me.  During the time that I was pregnant, I didn't put anything into my body that would hurt them - I didn't drink, I didn't smoke, I didn't eat soft cheeses (well, I'd occasionally take the edge off a piece of danish feta), I cut down on my prawn addiction (even though that was one of my biggest cravings) and i did this to protect them. 

My belly full of babies :) I was 34 weeks pregnant with the Twins here

Today when I looked at my heart, I looked at it in the same way.  I want to feel quite protective of it.  It is beating.  Strongly.  It's healthy.  It's keeping me alive.  And it's under enormous pressure.  I need to start looking at it differently.  I need to take care of this part of my body better just like I did when I was pregnant.  I need to think before I eat something that is going to harm it and put it under more strain.

When I left the clinic, I sat in my car and cried.  Once again, I think because my migraine had gotten worse because of the coughing after the breathing tests and the fact that I'm still picking myself up after yesterday but if I had ever felt like turning back, it was at that moment.  I'm not sure why but, for a few moments as I was walking back to my car, I really had to reassure myself that I was making the right decision.  And I know I am. 

One thing that I have learnt about my life in my 30 years is that for some reason, hard times turn harder.  I don't know why - it just seems to be the rule.  A week ago, I went on a bender.  Yesterday, I felt like eating a bucket of KFC.  Today, I did eat some proper meals due to the fact that I am trying to get rid of my Migraine.  I ate a salad on the way home from the Clinic from McDonalds today and I had Subway for dinner tonight. 

I'm happy to state that it's not emotional eating - it's because I need to nourish my body to try and get rid of the migraine before it gets any worse (I had a migraine for 7 weeks back in June/July of this year and I don't want it to get like that again). 

Tomorrow I'll start on my shakes again.  I HOPE my migraine has gone and if it hasn't, I'll end up at the Hospital for pain relief to get on top of it.  I also have an appointment with Dr Winnett on Tuesday so that I'll be able to discuss my eating habits over the last week with him.  I'm happy it's happened in the first mandatory shake week rather than the third or forth.  And I'm pleased that I did so well in my first 2 weeks to give me a head start that I may not have had otherwise.

During the past few days, I've felt very much singled out.  Nothing about the past 2 days have been dignifying.  Nothing about being this weight is dignifying.  Especially when they need to make sure that they have got a bed that will hold your weight for a sleep test.  Nothing about the whole last few weeks since I found out how much I weight have been dignified.  But, I know that it will all be worth it at the end.

Things are looking good but they're not looking as good as they could be.  As I said, I should be used to having bad things made worse by different things being thrown into the mix.  It's not looking at things with a negative approach.  For me, it's looking at things in a holistic approach - trying to put stops into place to make sure things don't happen and if I hadn't have had this discussion with myself on Sunday, I believe I would have gone off track due to the events of yesterday without a doubt. 

I'm still waiting for that emotional eating book to come in... I think it will come in handy :)

The other thing I'm going to do is write some signs to put up around the house to keep me going.  Things to focus on.  Countdowns.  Words.  Phrases.  Pictures.  Positive things to try and outweigh all of the negative things that seem to be surrounding me at the moment.

I still can't believe it's in 5 and a half weeks.  It's come up so fast!

I really appreciate the messages that I've received since yesterday and the number of people who are concerned about what happened at work that upset me so much.  At this stage, I'm not saying anything public about the incident other than it's something that has really upset me for a few reasons but as it's something that needs to be looked into, all I'll say is that I'm okay and I'm strong and I'm not going to let anything affect me from having my surgery and tasting personal success.  Thank you for worrying though xoxo

I'm off to bed with a cup of Chamomile tea (and my dogs and cats!) and HOPE that I wake up without a migraine.  Night :)

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