Friday, February 22, 2013

3rd time lucky?

It's been a long 24 hours.  I have had so many supportive messages from friends - thank you so much xo

I've also had a lot of people discussing options with me such as the sleeve and gastric bypass.  I'm not too keen on having either of these surgeries. Both of them have their pros and cons but for me, they are both terribly dangerous given my weight.  I don't want to die on a table.  I want to be around for my kids  I am one of the unlucky ones who have had everything that could possibly go wrong with their band.  Slippage is quite uncommon, a flipped port is quite uncommon but then again, I often tend to be a shit magnet!

So, I'm booked in to have surgery on Tuesday.  Hopefully this will be the last time that I go under the knife because of any problems with my band.  If I have any more problems, I'll really have to evaluate what I plan on doing at that point in time but I am HOPING for smooth sailing ahead.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Flipped port... this was not in the script...

Hmmm.  Where to start.

It's been a while since I've posted.  Like I've said before, when I am not blogging, I am normally not doing a lot.  And that is half the case at the moment.  I have been quite busy over the past month or so.  I have started up my business again and have been enjoying watching the Children (particularly the Twins) settle into School.  I haven't been doing a lot of exercise.  I just haven't felt like it.  I am still looking for my mojo.  And this is what I told Dr Winnett when I went to see him yesterday at our scheduled appointment.

He was very pleased to see me. I couldn't remember when our last appointment was.  I jumped on the scales.  I wasn't impressed.  I was 209kg.  This came as a surprise as I have been quite good with eating and things feel rather normal - I didn't realize I'd let myself go that much.  Before I go on, it's really tough to write this stuff but in a few years, I hope to look back at it and go 'phew, what a ride' but instead, I just feel like crying.

He tried to give me a fill but wasn't able to get the needle in.  He was able to scrape the port but nothing was happening so he sent me off to get the fill done under X Ray.  I wasn't able to go yesterday so instead, I went today. 

Although the staff were fantastic, I felt humiliated.  For the first time in a long time, I felt huge.  And it was quite confronting and upsetting.  They had to put a trolley under the bed that I lay down on when I have the fill just in case it fell.  I haven't had to have this done before.  They weren't able to get the X Ray device the whole way around me so I ended up having to have a stand up abdominal X Ray instead.  The Man tried to put some fill into my port.  I didn't say anything to them but my port looked different on the screen.  Normally it's a round bumpy thing.  Today it was a flat rectangle.  After the 3rd attempt at putting the fill in, I ended up suggesting that it had flipped and it was unfortunate that they agreed with me.

I have some options (and these are without speaking to my Surgeon or anyone else), I can get the band taken out and get a sleeve in 6 months time.  I can get the band taken out and have gastric bypass at the same time.  I can get the port restitched and start again.  Or I can get the band taken out and blow up into a big 300kg fleshy balloon until I pop and splatter all over the walls.

At this stage, I am not sure what I am going to do but my mind is telling me to just get the port restitched and go again.

I honestly don't mind having surgery.  It doesn't bother me too much.  And at the moment, I'm off work due to injury (most of you would know that) so I have the luxury of being my own boss at the moment with my small business, things are pretty flexible..

What I want is just to get back on track.  I was at one stage 168kg.  That was this time last year.  I can't believe that.  I wish I was back there again.  There is no point in wishing.  There is only doing.  And I know that.  Without the restriction in, it's going to be mind over matter.  It's going to be self control. And I've proved to myself on many occasions that I am not great when it comes to that but it might mean that I have to train myself to be.  I remember all of the reasons why I want to get where I need to be and just keep them in mind.

I CAN do this.  I can keep saying it but I need to believe it too.  The last few months have been really tough and although I am not allowed to say a lot here about what has been going on, to be good you have to feel good.  That's what I think anyway.  I am so lucky that I have an amazing group of friends who are there the whole way for me.  I am blessed.

At the moment though, I am just really confused and not sure what I want to do.  Hopefully I'll wake up in the morning and I'll have the answers.

I have no choice other than to exercise on Saturday as I participate in my 4th relay for life.  If you are able to sponsor me, please do so here

Anything at all is appreciated.  I started doing the relay for my Nanna.  She passed away from Pancreatic Cancer.  I also do the relay for my friend Janelle.  She battled a rare form of cervical Cancer and passed away almost a year ago.  Anything that you are able to give to this cause is appreciated.  It is one of the hardest things that I have ever done physically.  And I think that this is the biggest I have been when participating in this event.  

For those who don't know about relay for life, it's an 18 hour event where you take turns to walk laps of the course (our course is just over a kilometer.  It's your mission to keep someone on the course the whole time.  I find that the best time to walk for me is 3am.  I love walking around the track in the dark with my iPod on.  It's time to reflect.  It's so quiet and there is something magical about the whole event.  If you haven't done one, I encourage you to have a go.

So, there you go.  I sit here with a sore tummy from all the needles I've had to have along with a confused mind as what direction to go in.  I am sure that once Dr Winnett calls me, I'll have a better idea of what I should be doing.  

I can do anything.  I need to remember that.