Friday, December 16, 2011

Giving up Chocolate... hmmm... didn't go so well...

I did try.  And I did really well for a few days.  But, I admit to having some Chocolate.  No where near as much as what I normally would have had but, I ended up giving in.  And my moment of weakness could be identified... we had training on quite a dull topic at work.  I had a chocolate eclair lolly and then I ended up having a few squares of fruit and nut.

In our team at work, we have a 'food table' and that's in the other row from me so I am not tempted and there has been chocolate on the table for most of the week.  It's good that it's over the other side and that I can't get to it but on this particular day, our Team Leader ever so thoughfully bought the Chocolate in to our training room.  I probably would have stayed strong had I have not been so bored! 

Today I finished up work for the rest of the year.  It is an awesome feeling to know that I am not going back until we re open on the 3rd of January 2012!  I have been feeling awesome in the past month.  I have been putting in quite a few hours, doing Overtime when it's avilable and haven't had a sick day in almost 2 months.  I'm feeling rather healthy although I am still only doing half of what I should.  That's why the next 19 days is going to be good.  I am going to make the effort to exercise EVERY DAY without fail (the only day I might not is Christmas day due to the fact it's so hectic!).  I am really hoping to get under 160kg before I go back to work.  I'll weigh myself tomorrow morning to see what I am (I think I'm hovering around the 169kg mark).  It would be great to be able to do that well.  And I will be able to do that with hard work and commitment.

I have so much to do in the next week.  So much cooking, cleaning, organising, wrapping and shopping left to do.  The lead up to Christmas is such a busy time but, like I've said in a few posts, I'm really looking forward to it.  I am blessed to be spending it with my wonderful family. 

I'm off to bed - it seems as though the 5 or 5:30am starts and late finihes have caught up with me!  Shall write more over the weekend.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

No chocolate so far for 13 hours and 44 minutes and counting

I haven't had any Chocolate for 13 hours and 44 minutes - well, more if you count the time I spent sleeping it would be more than that.

I bought myself some apple purree (baby food!) and had 2 servings of that - I need to be careful as there are around 200kj per serve. 

Around lunch time, I had a headache.  When I came back upstairs, I gave Daniel all of my Chocolate.  I had some chocolate cake rolls (weight watchers) stashed in my bottom drawer from yesterday.  I also gave him the remainder of my chocolate ball things that I handed out with my Christmas cards.  Anything chocolate that was unopened was given to him.  I have kept my milo at my desk (I don't yet see this as a risk) and my Optifast shakes and Sustagen drinks don't count (yes, they are chocolate but they are a different kind).  Thank you, Daniel :)


I still haven't done any exercise - I still don't have any energy as such as I've been so busy.  I have been getting a lot of fresh air and making sure I have my afternoon dose of Sunshine in the afternoon.

So, day 1 of no Chocolate is nearly over :) and I'm quite pleased with my efforts.  I don't plan on giving up Chocolate forever - I just hope to have it in smaller quantities.  I might go to bed early so I don't have to battle my normal later on in the night cravings :)

Monday, December 5, 2011

My weakness :/

I'm a Chocolate addict.  There.  I said it.

I hate to think how much weight I would have lost if I didn't eat Chocolate.  I guess I need to think of the positives about how much weight I have lost as a result of giving up my chocolates. 

Take today for example.  I got up, had a Coffee and went to work (I caught the 6.23am train).  I walked into Coles and bought 3 packets of chocolate biscuits . I went upstairs and took one chocolate biscuit from each packet, put them on the 'team table' and Emailed my team to let them know they were there.  They eventually went (I think!) and the biscuits were no longer a temptation for me.  I then decided that I wanted chocolate muffins or cupcakes.  We have a shop called the cupcake bakery downstairs from us.  Each cupcake is something like $5 so rather than doing that, I went to Coles and bought a packet of chocolate cupcakes.  I ate one (barely as they were SO sweet) and donated the rest to the team.  Brendan did offer to take my purse so I couldn't buy anymore but I kindly declined the offer and didn't buy any more chocolate for the rest of the day other than the ones that I am going to put on my Christmas cards.

I have been promised a piece of Christmas Cake tomorrow from one of my colleagues so, this will be my only treat for the day.

I have been told from a reliable source that apples will do the same as chocolate.  I am going to test out this theory tomorrow.  I am going to stop by Coles on the way to work and buy some apple sauce (as I can't eat apples) and I shall see if this works.  I shall check back and let you know :)

I planned our Christmas menu today.  I am SO excited :) I have found some of the yummiest things to cook.  I won't be able to eat most of it but I love cooking and I love it when people enjoy my food.  I am really looking forward to Christmas this year.  I am going to get some of my Christmas cards done tonight. 

Sure, I may cop a bit for confessing to my chocolate addiction but, like I've said a few times throughout my blog, this is an honest account of what I am going through.  And chocolate is not the only reason I am fat or got to my heaviest weight!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Monday.  I certainly did :) I'm loving life and I'm on such a great path at the moment.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

The end to an awesome week

I've had an amazing weekend.  It's been one that I won't forget for a while.


I actually had to search back through my blog to find something I wrote at a very low point in my journey.  It was when I had visited my Mum and was going to see a friend.  I needed to use her car but I couldn't use it as I didn't fit into it.  Well, I fit into it but, I couldn't do the seat belt up, the steering wheel wouldn't move as it was jammed into my stomach.  I was distraught.  Here's the link if you're interested in reading what happened that night... it was on the 22nd of October 2010.


http://movingforwardlookingforward.blogspot.com/2010/10/day-75-reality-checks.html


Anyway, I went to a friend's welcome home party on Friday night.  I caught the train from work to Mum's (the party was held at the Dorset Gardens Hotel).  I was a bit hesitant to ask Mum if I could borrow her Car.  All I could could think of was what happened last year.  Against my better judgement, I asked her (knowing she'd say yes, of course!) but wasn't too sure if I'd fit. 


When I was ready to go, I grabbed the keys and my date for the evening (Lachie!) and walked out to the driveway with Mum following close behind.


You might be reading this Mum and I say this with all due respect and love but, Mum is a tiny bit challenged in the vertical sense.  She is rather short and I know when Dad drives her car, her normally pushes the seat back as his legs are too long to fit.  I looked at where the seat was positioned and it looked okay so I thought I'd sit in it and adjust it from there.  I took a deep breath and plonked myself down.  There was plenty of room everywhere!  Even the seat belt had some slack.  I asked Lachie to wind his window down and I asked Mum if she had moved her seat back knowing I'd be getting in.  She said no and was amazed to hear that no adjustments (other than the mirror and radio station) had to be made.  As I reversed, Mum was nearly in tears.  Callum was standing next to her.  I told her not to cry as I'd start to cry as well.  Lachie couldn't believe it.  And neither could I. 


I know that not all of you reading this have had the same problem as me (I'm referring to not being able to fit in a car) but it's one of the most embarrassing, awkward moments.  It's when you realise how big you've gotten and you try not to think about it.  Mum's car isn't a small car either.  It's a Camry.  And when I read my blog entry from October last year, that moment where I didn't fit in the car - just like the moment on Friday night when I did don't seem real.


I know my Mum is proud of me for a number of reasons but I think on Friday night, when I backed out and she had her hands over her face, I knew it was due to amazement rather than worrying about if I was going to back into their letterbox. 


I guess I haven't really had a good hard think about how much I have changed physically.  Sure, I can see it in photos but until I sat in that car, I had no idea.  I've realised that at the moment, I don't even really know who I am at the moment.  I'm a work in progress.  And that is comforting in one way but also scary in another.  I guess I'm free falling.  But in a good way.

It was wonderful to catch up with an old School mate at the party I went to on Friday night.  We haven't seen one another for 19 years!  It was wonderful to see her and speak about old times and catch up on some goss.  I can see us having a few wines together in the coming months to reminisce! 


My eating this week has been really good.  I've done so well.  I've had a few shakes at the times when I haven't been hungry.  My headache has come and gone a few different times during the week and I've done quite well on the drinking water front as well. 


I've been finding that some foods go down really well and on other days, they just don't happen.  I enjoyed a piece of toast yesterday morning and made a delicious Lasagna last night packed full of vegetables and I was able to eat a small piece.

I've been putting much thought to my 100kg party.  I am planning for it to be around about March or April.  I am not sure what to do and have had some wonderful thoughts.  I want to celebrate my success.  I'll also do something when I have lost all of my weight.  Still not sure what!
I went for a walk tonight to get some fresh air.  I've been lucky enough to have my house to myself this afternoon.  I caught up on some much needed sleep. Off to work tomorrow.  I have a very busy week ahead! 

Hope everyone is well xo

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Back to 172.1kg :) 4.3kg lost in the past fortnight

I was very pleased today.  I weighed in at 172.1kg which means I've lost 4.3kg in the past fortnight.  I'm wrapped. 

Like I said yesterday, my eating is back on track.  This morning for breakfast I had coffee and a peach.  For lunch I had a premium biscuit (like saladas) with cheese and vegemite and a nectarine and for dinner I'm having some vegetables.  I've done quite well with my water intake again today but had a tiny headache.

I was SO happy today.  Not only did I have a fantastic loss on the scales but I also maanged to get a photo of all my Children with Santa :) I was so pleased that the twins would sit with him as they wouldn't have a bit of it last year but today, they wouldn't sit on Santa's knee but Charlotte negotiated the seating arrangements with David.  Charlotte ended up on Lachlan's knee and David ended up on Callum's.  And Dog was being squeezed tight the whole time.



I have to say that I have the most gorgeous kids in the whole world.  I'm so proud of them.

One of my friends also drew my attention to the fact that I have been Wikified!  It's a bit exciting! 


I'm not sure how Wikipedia works - there is 1 or 2 things that aren't totally correct on there and I want to fix them up.  I wonder if I'm allowed to?

My clothing order arrived today from www.yoursclothing.co.uk and I am wrapped with all the items I ordered.  I have one of the dresses on and it is gorgeous.  David has never seen me in a dress before and said 'who are you, Mum?'.  It was so cute.  I is going to be fantastic for summer.  I think perhaps I should have ordered a size down but, I shall know for next time when I place an order.  I wonder what I'm going to wear tomorrow?  I need to make a rule - I am not allowed to buy any more clothes until I have rid my cupboard of the things that I no longer wear.  I have been saying that for weeks.  I have a week of before Christmas and a week off when School goes back so perhaps is then the time to rejuvenate my wardrobe.  It won't know what's hit it!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Clothing links

I've put something up like this in the past but this list was complied by a group of people on one of the forums I am a member of. 

They are links for places where you can get plus sized clothes and the companies have been tried and tested and have great feedback and high recommendation from those who use them.

Enjoy :)

www.yoursclothing.co.uk - this site has some wonderful specials.  I placed an order last night and can't wait for them to arrive!  Check this site out for sure.  The price of postage is very reasonable as well.  One of the ladies who used this site said it took 10 days for her order to arrive which is fantastic (mine should be here any day now in that case!).

www.swakdesigns.com - I've used this company several times and they have some wonderful dresses there at the moment.  They offer free postage if you purchase over $50 (which is easy to do!) and their items are of high quality.  I have noticed that they haven't had as much variety as what they used to but they are still worth a look.  They have a fair bit of stuff on here and have some fantstic specials.

www.oldnavy.com - I LOVE old navy things - the only thing I don't like is the cost of postage.  $75 last time I wanted to put an order in (the order was around about $400 made up of kids clothes and clothes for me).  I did order from them once when they had a special on postage and it only cost me $25.  Their singlets are fantastic and they have a great rating system where you can read feedback on what other buyers thought of the product covering such things as length, quality and overall fit.  The quality is fantastic.  I just wish they would drop their postage!  They would have a very happy (and frequently purchasing) Customer.

www.holyclothing.com - I was so impressed when I saw this website :) they have some gorgeous clothes on here and although a lot of them aren't the style that I would purchase, so much thought has gone into the design and presentation of these clothes.  There are so many pretty, flowing skirts and dresses on this website.  They specailise in gypsy, boho and pesant style.  There are so many prettty things.  Check it out.

www.bigtimeclothing.com.au - this online store is wonderful if you are having a hard time finding clothes anyhwere that fit.  They go up to a size 50.  I got the pair of pants that I lived in for 2 years on this website.  They have all types of clothing on here and do have a few younger styles.  They are of fantastic quality and are made to last.  They used to have an outlet in Dandenong but are now only available online.  Their customer service is second to none and although I am happy that I no longer need to shop here as I have options, I am so glad they were there for me when I did need them.  Highly recommended.

www.plussizedclothing.com.au - I have never used this website but, I have heard some fantastic things about it.  I am on their mailing list and do get notifications of their specials.  I am just yet to purchase something from there!  They have some fantastic stuff available with some styles going up to a size 36.

www.autographfashion.com.au - Autograph (fomally known as 1626) have got some really nice stuff.  They also have some fantastic specials.  I still find that a lot of their styles run small but, they seem to be getting a lot better and have got a few singlets in a size 28.  They have got some lovely dresses at the moment.

www.mysize.com.au - My Size has improved a lot over the years.  I don't think they are targeting the 'older' plus sized community anymore.  I remember perciving it at an old ladies store but I have managed to find some really nice things on their site at quite reasonable prices. 

www.lisaslacies.com.au - I can't speak highly enough of Lisa's Lacies.  They have such a fantastic range of underwear.  You are bound to find something that fits you here.  If you are local, go and get fitted but if you're not, you're able to send them your measurements and they'll find you something to suit.  I have purchased from them countless times and have always been impressed.

www.curvyisbeautiful.com.au - I have never used this site but it was mentioned on the banding together forum and has some wonderful things on it.  I actually noticed that they sell a few things from some of the stores that are mentioned above (some things that are out of stock from the store mentioned above!) so, if you're looking for that special something and can't find it anywhere else, you might just find it here!

There are so many more out there.  Please feel free to add your link as a comment - you don't know how valuable a list like this can be to some people.

I look forward to the additions!

Half the battle...

I have my eating under control finally!  2 weeks after my fill and I can safely say that I am back onto remembering to eat slowly, enjoy my food and chew, chew, chew! 

My headache has eased.  I drank so much water yesterday and did the same today.  I have made it a rule that everyime I start talking to someone, I have a drink.  This can be a bit difficult if I am on the phone to a Client as I don't want to make my gurgling noise after I've had a sip to drink.  I have been bringing a water bottle with me everywhere I go and have been working on my 2 litres a day.  I'm very pleased :)

Today for breakfast, I had a Coffee and a Yoghurt.  For lunch I had a Salad and for dinner, I had half a taco which to my suprise has remained 'down'.  I normally throw mince up but, I chewed it so much.

I see Dr Winnett tomorrow.  I am not sure how much I have lost, I know I've lost something.  I can feel it.  I also have a lot more energy.

Eating is only half the battle.  I am still not exercising.  Other than the fact I am finding it really hard to fit in to my new routine, I simply can't be bothered!  I am sure over the next week or 2 when everything settles down, I'll be back at the gym or climbing up stairs.  I need to do something as I am unfit although in saying that, I am feeling so much better than what I did this time last year!

Today was quite warm in Melbourne.  Summer is certainly close!  I am waiting for the clothes that I ordered to come in.  I can't wait to try on the dresses that I bought.  I'll put those clothing links up tonight - I couldn't get to them the other night as there was a problem with the forum.

This time of year is so busy.  I don't know where to start when looking at my Calander.  I commence working full time as of next week and will be doing Overtime on Saturdays so for the next month or so, I won't have a life!  I have Christmas concerts, the Chreche Christmas party, the work Christmas party, Christmas drinks here and there and I am still yet to put together the menu for Christmas day!  Last year I did quite well at making most of the food band friendly.  I'll have to see how I go this year.

This week has been a lot more positive for me.  I have had a few ups and downs over the past few weeks.  Life is never going to stop throwing curve balls at me but, changing the way I deal with them plays a big part.  I'm amazed at how much I've 'grown up' over the past year.  And although some of the thoughts I have in regard to morals and values and responsibilites haven't changed, the way I deal with things have.  And I'm proud of this.  And I am going to go far as a result. 

Tomorrow, I am taking the kids to get their photo taken with Santa.  The Twins wouldn't sit with Santa last year!  I hope that they do this year.  It's the first time in 12 years that I haven't had a Santa photo of my gorgeous Cherubs.  And I might even get a start on my Christmas cards tomorrow.  So much to do - so little time!

Friday, November 25, 2011

What a week...

What  a week it's been!  It feels like it's taken forever!  I'm happy the weekend is finally here (and I'm not working Overtime!).

I have done so well with my eating this past week.  The only time I've really slipped up has been today when we celebrated a friends birthday at work and I had a pancake and I've also had a few pieces of Chocolate here and there.  Other It than that, I have been very good!  Next week, I am going to make sure that I concentrate on making sure that I have enough to eat and that what I do eat is the correct thing.  For example, last night I was full from 2 teaspoons of fetta cheese.  Not good for dinner!

I had an RDO yesterda.  I made sure that I concentrated on drinking as much water as what I could.  I managed to get a few litres down.  I didn't do as well today.  My headache has been on and off this week.  I was hoping that by rehydrating would help it.  I ended up with a headache this afternoon.  Still not sure what it's related to but, I shall keep an eye on it.

I start back at work 5 days next week!  I'm a bit nervous.  I haven't worked full time for the past 5 years!  It's going to be an experience.  Lucky I work with an awesome group of people or it simply wouldn't be possible. 

I see Dr Winnett next week on Wednesday.  I think that I could have some more fluid added to my band as I am not 100% in the 'green' zone yet.  I shall let you know how I went with my weight as well.

I've learnt a lot this week.  I've refocussed, worked out what direction I want to be heading in and more importantly the sorts of people I want to surround myself with.  I have some amazing people in my life and I am so blessed.  Poeple who are supportive, kind, loyal, honest and share the same values as I do are the sorts of people that will make the cut!  And I've also realised too that as I have started to gain more confidence, I've been able to find the strength and courage to stand up to those who I don't think have a positive impact on my life.  Like I said, I've learnt a lot this week.  And am feeling better for the changes I have made.

I'm going to post a few links as well but I'll do that in a seperate blog so that it's easy to locate.

Hope everyone is well :) xo

Monday, November 21, 2011

Migraine :/

I think if I looked hard enough, I'd find a post with the same title as this one...

I've had a really bad Migraine since yesterday.  It started as a headache on Friday, I conquered Overtime on Saturday but struggled with it yesterday.  I'm amazed that I made it through the whole day at work today as it was quite bad.  The only thing that has seemed to work when I have a migraine in the past is a medication called Maxalt and there is only one Chemist in my area that stocks it so, I went to the Doctors this afternoon to get a new script for it and went and it.  It didn't work as the Migraine had already settled in so, I had a little nap and it seems to have gone away for the moment.  I have gotten up to have some dinner and a drink and then I'm having a shower and back off to bed for me!

I remember when I first got my band, I used to suffer from headaches quite badly.  One of my other fellow bandit friends said she went through the same thing.  I need to remember that now I have had my fill, I am technically back at the start again as far as getting used to my band goes.  My body has had the past 6 weeks living relatively normal and now it's back to being banded.  I've had a fair bit of water to drink today but have been struggling to eat as much a what I should be as I do forget to eat as I'm no longer hungry.  I bought some shakes tonight and I'll put them in the fridge at work and shall set reminders on my Outlook so I remember to have them!  I hate Migraines.  I haven't had one like this for a very long time.

I've had a really good last few days.  I went to the movies with a friend on Saturday night (yes, I saw Twilight) and it was really well done.  On Sunday, we went to the Miniature Railway in Altona yesterday.  The kids love it there.  I had a ride on one of the trains with Charlotte and we had a Picnic.  I packed some rolls and some fruit.  The Weather was perfect.  A little bit windy but, it was nice to get out into the fresh air. 






I'm looking forward to this weekend - a friend at work gave me some tickets to a magic show.  I haven't told the kids about it yet but, I am sure they'll be excited. 

I hope everyone has started to do their Christmas shopping!  I can't believe how organised I am this year!  I have a few people left to buy for but, I am shocked that I have almost finished all of my shopping!  We are so lucky to have everything available at the touch of our fingertips.  I haven't gotten much from the actual shops at all this year. 

I was going to weigh myself this morning but, I see Dr Winnett again next week so, I think I'll wait to see what his Scales say.  It will take me a while to get used to having my fill back I but the weight should have already started to drop off again.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Clothes, Cruskits, Nuts, Kilograms and Tickets...

It was such a warm day today in Melbourne.  Summer is defiantly approaching!

I don't feel the heat as much as what I did last year but in saying that, I went to my Cupboard this morning to find something to accommodate such a hot day but have nothing to wear as everything from last year is too big!  I am going to have to go shopping, I think.

The last few days have been fantastic.  My eating is certainly back on track.  I have been drinking a fair bit of water and I don't have any hunger sensation at all.  It's been really good to start feeling 'normal' again.  I had a Banana Vive for Breakfast, 2 Cruskits and cream cheese for lunch, some pureed apple for afternoon tea and haven't yet had anything for dinner.  When you have the band and you're not hungry, it's often hard to remember when it's time to eat and given the fact it's almost 9.45pm and I'm working Overtime tomorrow, I am best to worry more about sleep then something to eat!

I've worked so hard this week.  Not sure what we are doing on Sunday.  I haven't even checked the Weather.  I want to do something nice with the Kids.  I have each Wednesday off but the Twins are home so it's not really a day off as such. It's a challenge to get everything that needs to be done in the one day but, somehow, a majority of it gets finished.  It's called organised chaos.  And I am happy t say I am the master of it!

I am really looking forward to Christmas.  I started doing the shopping a few weeks ago.  I picked up a few more things today and am going to start working out what to cook.  We are having it here again this year.  It's fun working out what to make.  The ham I made last year was divine and although I could only have a tiny slither of it, just the smell of it was enough to ease my cravings.

I've been craving lots of different foods recently (no, I am not pregnant).  I really wanted Blueberries the other day.  And Chocolate is a constant thing I want.  I also craved bubble and squeak!  Not sure where these things come from!  I had a friend who had a constant craving for nuts.  If she had too many, she got a tummy ache.  You still get cravings or a want for food when you have a lap band.  It's just a matter of realising that you can't eat them either because they'll get stuck or because they're not good for you! 

When you first become banded, there is something they often refer to as 'head hunger' which is where you see something that you'd like to eat but, you're not hungry so, you need to resist it.  I've been having a few of those moments over the past few days.  It's like I've started back at the beginning again and that's not a bad thing.  It's just strange going through all of these sensations again.

I'd like to thank everyone for the overwhelming support over the past few days.  It's been amazing.  This time last year, I was in bed!  I was still tired and sore and knocked out because of the strong pain killers I'd been prescribed.  I'm still amazed at how fast the time has gone. 

I received a lovely Email from a reader today who spoke about how she appreciated my honesty.  How I am not afraid to say that I've stuffed up and as she is a bandit, she knows how it feels to have a set back on your journey.  She actually had the same thing happen (had all of her fluid removed) and she put on 15 kilograms in just under 5 weeks.  Her band slipped back into place and everything went well again (just like mine has) but, she reminded me why my band slipped in the first place - it was because I had lost so much weight.  And it will probably do it again.  If it happens again, I know that I will be better prepared for it.  But, I don't beat myself up about 9 kilograms.  Although I did cop a bit of crap for it (as I had expected), those who bagged me had no idea as to what it is like to be a bandit.  I had no idea what it was like before I got it.  And I am still learning!  I think it takes a few years to totally appreciate how to work with your band. 

When you succeed at something, it's an amazing feeling.  And I have done so well.  Sorry if I have tickets on myself but, they are well deserved tickets :) I've never had tickets before.  And I'm only going to get more of them.  And like I've said, there's no stopping me now and there's nothing holding me back.  There are so many more tremendous things to come.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Happy 1st bandversary to me :)

It's been an amazing day.

I'd like to start by saying thank you all for the wonderful comments, messages, Emails and words of support.

This year has certainly been an amazing one.  It's funny thinking back - this time last year, I was sipping on my first apple juice in what felt like years and was totally off my head trying to find my iPhone in my bathroom bag!  I've certainly come a long way from there.

I officially began my journey back in August last year but was banded on the 17th of November 2011.  I have lost over 50kg since then.  My actual weigh in on that date was never confirmed as the scales at the Hospital would not weigh me.  I still remember being so scared about the move I was about to make and I know, without a single doubt in my mind that I made the right decision.

Someone pointed out something on my blog comments last night about how unless you've actually been banded, you have no idea what this journey is like.  That is so true.  And unless you've had the fluid removed from your band after having it for some time, you still have no idea what it's like!  It's horrible.  Feeling this hunger.  This desperation and this constant feeling of needing to satisfy it.  Today has been wonderful as I haven't felt hungry at all.  I have stuck to my eating plan 100% but, I do need to watch that water intake especially considering as we are embarking on the warmer weather.

I had a really good day at work.  It was pretty busy but was rather enjoyable (I must be feeling unwell!).  I am getting a lot of satisfaction from being there at the moment and am looking forward to the future.  I think my new found confidence has a lot to do with it.  When I returned back to work in March last year, never did I think I'd be exploring some of the opportunities that are being presented to me at the moment.  I wouldn't have had the confidence to do any of the things that I have been doing recently.  I've really come out of my shell.

I've discovered a lot of new things over the past few days.  Strengths that I didn't realise I had.  Moments that I thought may have made me weak and crumble but instead, I have thrived and come out in front.  It's an awesome, empowering feeling.  One of my friends had this as their Facebook status yesterday - 'the degree of responsibility you take for your life, determines how much change you can create in it...' and I had to read it a few times before I totally understood it.

I like me as a person but there are parts of me I can't stand and parts of me I don't like when I'm confronted with different situations.

But, as I gain more confidence, the part of me that can stand up for what I believe in is in there, it just takes a bit of courage from my side to come out.  And to quote the good old Dr Phil, 'we teach people how to treat us' and I believe that goes for how we treat ourselves and what we expect from ourselves.  And I expect no more from me but the best that I know I can give.  And I'm happy to say that I have no other than the best people surrounding me and supporting me through this.

Thank you all for being there thus far.  Watch this space.  The next year is going to be one to remember.

xo

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

The verdict...

Where to start...

I had a good day yesterday.  I realised that it was the last day that I'd be able to have normal food again in a while so, I lapped it up.  I had a ham and cheese croissant, pancakes for morning tea (that was a treat from my Team Leader for the team so, I joined in!), Indian for lunch and a slice of pizza for tea.  Oh, and some strawberries and Chocolate.  Yes, most of the food that I ate would have been found at the top of the food pyramid but, I won't be able to eat a majority of those foods again for a very long time. 

Before I left work yesterday, I rid my desk of anything that I would be tempted to eat when I go back tomorrow.  Even the not so bad for me things like Ryvita made it's way else where.  I have some yogurt, some low fat cream cheese and some strawberries in the fridge at work.  They were allowed to stay but, I donated my Chocolate stash and threw out some other things that I just don't need.

I was a bit nervous when I woke up this morning.  I guess I wasn't sure what the result would be when I saw Dr Winnett today.  I knew I had put on weight but the most important question I wanted answered was has my stomach settled down enough to have my fill put back in.  And I am pleased to announce that yes, it had :)

It took him forever to find the port.  It might be because he had an audience - the Twins were there watching on.  When he put the fluid in, I felt the tension (I think it would have been because there was some left over toast still making its way down).  It was such a strange sensation.  I had a drink of water to make sure it wasn't too tight (there is 4ml in there which is quite a bit) and left.

Within  few hours, I had some acid but, I put that down to the fact I had vegemite toast before I went and saw him.  I am now going to have to remember to take my tablets each day to ease that again now - something I haven't had to worry about for the past 6 weeks.

I am 176.2kg.  Which means I've put on 9.6kg in the past 6 weeks. 

I was a bit surprised at what I'd put on.  Dr Winnett pointed out it could have been worse.  He also pointed out that I should have expected to put on weight due to the fact that the 6 weeks prior, I wasn't even able to drink water at times.  He was very encouraging.  I also realised that by the time it comes to me having reached my goal weight, I would have lost an extra 10kg so, I would have lost 173kg rather than the 163kg. 

So, today for lunch I had a shake.  623kj.  And tonight for dinner and I had a banana smoothie.  844kj.  I've also had a fair bit of water. 

The best thing about my fill is the fact that I no longer feel hungry.  I remember how scary it was to not feel hunger when I first got my band but, to feel hungry.  It is much worse feeling hungry. 

If the last 6 weeks has shown me anything it's the fact that I know why I had the surgery in the first place.  And I haven't really said it.  But I'm about to.  I'm a food addict!  And when Dr Winnett put it in not so many words today, for the first time, I admitted it to myself.  I already mentioned in one of my previous blogs that I have no self control and this is true.  I have none at all.  Eating makes me happy.  And in the last 6 weeks whilst I could eat, I forgot about the other thing that makes me happy - exercising, feeling that ache after a good PT session, preparing really healthy food and feeling 'cleansed'. having energy, drive, motivation, a desire to succeed.  In a way, I also realise how exciting but scary it is to be under 170kg.  I can't remember the last time I was under that (other than the last time I saw Dr Winnett).  It's the unknown.  But, I'm looking forward to discovering the unknown.

I think I'll discover a few things over the next few months that I didn't know.  Some of it's going to be hard, some of it's going to be easy but all in all, I am looking forward to seeing how well I can do over the next few weeks.  One thing I want to do is get under 165kg before the end of the year.  And if it's possible, I am going to EVERYTHING I can to try and get under 160kg. 

It's good that my scales seem to be pretty accurate as I'll weigh myself on the 1st of January 2012 and cross my fingers that I made it :)

My next appointment with Dr Winnett is in 2 weeks to see how I have been going with the fluid put in.  The one after that is on the 22nd of December. 

I might cop a bit for what I have written in my blog tonight.  Maybe because I have written about eating junk food and how much weight I've put on.  This is all part of my journey.  And writing what I have written is not only being honest with all of you but also being honest with myself.

Things are going really well for me right now.  Many doors are opening up for me that I didn't think ever would.  I've managed to regain control of certain aspects of my life.  I've also been able to feel like I'm ready to let go of some things that have been holding me back.  I'm excited about the possibilities of the next few months.  More about that tomorrow... my 1st bandversary!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

4 more sleeps...

Firstly, I 'd like to say a huge thank you to the wonderful messages of support and encouragement I have received over the past few days as a result of my appearence on Today Tonight. 

I was very pleased with what they put together.  I found it interesting to watch the footage they took in July and compare it to the stuff they filmed on Friday.  I've changed so much.

One question I have asked of me is am I scared of the back lash of speaking out again?  No, not at all.  When you are standing up for something you believe in, you'll take the good with the bad.  I've said it a few times - once I have reached my goal weight, I will continue to support the fat acceptance movement and promote healthy living.  Thank you once again xo

4 more sleeps until my 1st Bandversary!  I am a bit excited.  Not sure how I am going to celebrate it yet.  Hopefully whatever, I do, I have some restriction in my band.  I am getting a bit sick of having no restriction.  Like I've said, I've enjoyed my little holiday and have indulged in the simple things in life like Chicken and Bread but, I am really ready to have it put back in.  I might even ask Dr Winnett if once every year I can have some fill removed so I can relax a little.

I am not sure what I am more nervous about - finding out how much I weigh or finding if I am abe to have a fill after he's seen the scans from my swallow thingy.

This weekend has been rather non eventful.  I worked yesterday and then followed that up by going to the beach.  I had a fantastic time running away from waves with the kids.  It was a bit cold and a bit windy but we didn't let that stop us.  Today, I have just cleaned.  I didn't make it to the gym like I first hoped as I've had the kids all day.  I am definatly going to go a few times this week to make up for my slackness!

Things are going really well at the moment.  Life is not so up and down as it was a few weeks ago.  I know once I start exercising and counting my KJ again, I should feel more balanced.  I have done well with my eating in the past few days.  I haven't had a very good reaction to the shakes again.  They make me feel sick.  I think they would do that to anyone after spending so long on them like I did in the initial stages.

Hope everyone has had a good weekend :)

Friday, November 11, 2011

Bullying...

Firstly, if this is the first time you have stumbled upon my blog, welcome :) and before you judge or feel the need to comment, I'd like to point a few things out (and only do this due to past judgement I have experienced so I thought I'd clear it up first)...

1. I am gainfully Employed, have been in the same job for almost 9 years (and pay my taxes and my Medicare Levy!)
2. I have private health insurance and have not put any strain on our health system due to my weight
3. I have lost almost 80kg in just over a year and have worked hard.
4. I welcome your comments but please don't use this as a forum to prove my point that overweight people are often bullied for no other reason than the fact they are overweight.
5. I don't condone being unhealthy however, I also don't think all overweight people are unhealthy
6. I promote living a healthy lifestyle to my family, friends and colleagues.
7, Not everyone who is overweight over eats.
8. I am a fat chick trying to make a difference.

As most of you know, your are able to comment on my blog at anytime.  I keep it 'un moderated' and also allow anonymous postings for people who like to share their stories, thoughts or opinions without people knowing who they are.  I think anonymous posting is fantastic and I shall continue to keep it that way however, it does allow for the occasional unprovoked attack, the most recent one being yesterday.  So, today when I got a call from 'Today Tonight' to speak about bullying, I jumped at the chance.
I have been bullied my whole life because of my weight.  It's something that I've dealt with the best way I know how and for me, up until recently, that has been ignoring the constant taunts and harassment that I am subject to but, a few months ago, I spoke up and made it clear I am not putting up with it anymore.  And I am teaching my kids that it's not acceptable.

I didn't realise the number of people who would come forward and state they are also victims of the same types of attacks I have been putting up with for so many years.  I was saddened to read the stories that people shared with me and to hear that things were worse than I thought possible.

Although I am not sure what they are going to show on the 'Today Tonight' segment, I know they were doing the story in response to an article in today's Herald Sun which you can find here...
http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/more-news/obese-told-to-report-if-they-are-abused-over-their-weight/story-fn7x8me2-1226191836429

And if the reader's comments that are included at the bottom of this article are any indication of greater Society's view on people who are Overweight, it doesn't seem to be improving, it seems to be getting worse.

I am proud of my achievements in the past year, I've almost lost 80kg, I climbed a 46 story building, I started running, I've participated in both the Melton and the Yarra Ranges relay for life, I started my Certificate IV in fitness, I haven't had to use my CPAP machine (for sleep apnoea) since May, I have enjoyed exercising and encouraging those around me to do the same.  I am proud of how far I've come.  Yes, I did have lap band almost a year ago but, lap band only limits the amount of food I can eat and makes me feel hungry quicker - it doesn't drag me down to the gym or get me to make sure the foods I am eating are the correct ones.  It hasn't been the easy way out.  It's been tough.  But it's been worth it.  I couldn't have done it without it.  And I am not weak for having it.  I am strong to acknowledge I wasn't able to do it on my own.

Bullying has been a massive part of my life.  It's shaped me to who I am today.  It still hurts when I get picked on.  Even little things.  They tend to mount up though.  I can be called something one day and then it won't get to me for a few days and then I dwell on it.  It's a horrible thing to go through.  And I am sure that everyone has had some experience with bullying at one time in their life.  It's sad how stuff that we got used to at School as Children and tolerated as there weren't these fantastic 'anti bullying' rules are now things that we need to put up with as Adults.  It's not on.  It's not acceptable.  And I for one am not putting up with it.  I know I said it earlier but I mean it!

I was going to save these for my Bandversary on Thursday but, I'll put them up now so that everyone can see how far I've come :)

The photo on the left was taken in January 2010 and the one on the right was the weekend just gone.


The photo on the left was taken back in July 2010 and the one on the right was taken this evening :)

The one on the left was taken back in November 2010 and the one on the right was taken in October 2011
 The photo on the left was taken back in November 2010 and the photo on the right was taken in October 2011.

If you have any questions, please feel free to Email me at movingforwardlookingforward@gmail.com and if you'd like to read more about my stair climb that I completed in August, please go to http://vic.cancercouncilfundraising.org.au/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=342014 - any donations are appreciated as my aim is $5,000 and we are nearly there!

I've got a long way to go - I want to get say goodbye to at least another 90kg but everyday, I am a step closer to getting there.  Thank you for your support and interest in my story :)

Scales and Barium swallows...

I didn't get to make it to the gym last night as I had no one to watch the kids.  I did a vigerous work out of folding and washing clothes though (if that counts for anything). 

A few things happened this morning.  I weighed myself.  It's saying I'm 168kg.  I did it twice and the 1st said 167.8kg and the second said 171kg so, I evened it out.  I have my appointment with Doctor Winnett on Wednesday next week so, all will be revealed then I suppose.  I have never trusted my scales but, I know I've put something on whilst I've had no restriction - I now just need to work out how much it is...

I also had my barium swallow today.  I am not sure how that went.  I will also get the results of that on Wednesday when I see Doctor Winnett. I'm not really nervous.  I suppose I just want to know if I need to have surgery again or not.  I'll worry about it if (and when) I need to.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Something I created for my Bandit friends :)

Feel free to steal and share!  I thought it was very appropriate for me right at this point in time!

Today...

I started blogging last night and the title of the blog was 'tomorrow' but, I didn't get the chance to finish it so, it is now titled 'today'.

Today, I have started back on my shakes.  I am going to do it for the next few weeks to cleanse after my 5 weeks of not counting KJ.  I've already said this in one of my previous blogs but, I feel like crap and I put a lot of that down to the fact that I haven't been concentrating on what I've been eating.  I haven't been exercising.  I have been a lazy fat Cow which is one of the reasons I got to where I did in the first place.

Whilst I write this, I am sipping on my Optifast.  It's going to be a challenge.  When I think back to this time last year, I'd been on Optiast for 6 weeks in preperation for my Surgery.  It was such a difficult time but, at the start of it, I felt good.  I had more energy, I was hungry but I was able to fight off the cravings and I didn't have any 'sugar hang overs' which is one thing I've had a few of in the last few weeks.

I celebrate my bandversary on Thursday next week :) and I see Dr Winnett the day before.  I have to have my Barium swallow this Friday and fingers crossed that everything is okay so that I can have a fill.  I have missed restriction.  And although I have enjoyed being able to eat a vast array of foods over the past 6 weeks, I have had more than what I should have and haven't always selected the right foods and having restriction helps that.  That's why I'm a bandit. 

I weighed myself today.  I was 176kg.  Hmmm.  Not terribly impressed.  I was 168kg when I saw Dr Winnett on the 21st of September.  I know my scales weigh differently to his but, they do give me an indication of how much I have put on.  I am on a mission to shead at least 2 kilograms before my appointment with him next Wednesday!  I wonder if he'll tell me off?  I'm not disapponted in myself.  I'm just amazed at how much I've put on.  And now looking forward to getting rid of it and getting back into the 160s again.  It won't take me long.  And I'm happy that I'm back on track today. 

I'll go for a walk today and may even go to the gym. 

I'd had to go back through all of my blogs and count the number of times that I've said I'm back on track now but, this is all part of someone who is in my situation.  It's been a lifetime of hopping on and off the wagon.  All in all, I've done well.  Better than what I ever thought I would.  I'm looking forward to putting my 'this time last year' photo and my 'today' photo together on the 17th of November.  That's when I'll notice a difference.

Even though I have been a fat Cow over the past 6 weeks, I"m proud of me :) and can't wait to see what the next 12 months bring :)

Monday, November 7, 2011

Yarra Ranges Relay for LIfe 2011

I had a wonderful night last night doing my second Relay for Life. 

We got there just over an hour late and my clever Sister (Sarah aka Da) ad set up the Gazebo.  We put the tent up and were all ready to go. 

There was such a buzz around the place.  There were a lot more people than what there were at the Melton one that we did in April.  There was such a buzz around the place - the atmosphere was amazing.  It was a beautiful night and was actually quite warm.  Last year, Callum was amazing and this year was no different.  He did more laps than any of us!  He started the relay off.  Da went next and my Father and Poppa went afterwards.  We were doing about 3 laps of the oval each. 

Mum made some sausage rolls and some cupcakes which were devoured throughout the night and there were sausage sizzles and other things going on around the place.  So much food!  Not good for someone who has put on a few kilos in the last few weeks!  I didn't eat as much as I thought I would.  I actually didn't have as much to drink as what I thought I would either.  I did stay up all night although in saying that, I did have a little nap but didn't managed to have about 15 minutes of sleep.

I am 30 kilograms lighter than what I was when I did the Relay for Life in April and it certainly made a difference.  I didn't do nearly as much walking as what I did in April but, I was able to walk a lot faster and more comfortably than what I did in April.  My relay for life top fot me as well which was a bonus.

Today I am exhausted!  I got home at 11ish and slept until about 5 and the last hour and a bit that I have been up for have felt like a lifetime!  When I woke Callum up, I told him that it was time to go to School as last year he thought that it was morning and not late afternoon!  I said I'd run him a bath and he'd feel better after that.  After convincing me that he was too tired to go to School, I told him that he could have dinner instead and go back to bed again in a few hours!  That got him up. 

If you're able to make a donation, please go to http://vic.cancercouncilfundraising.org.au/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=323504












I had a fantastic time and look forward to particpating in the next one in Melton.  It is an awesome event to be a part of :)

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

A not so welcome back 170's but not for long...

I’ve tried to write this blog a few times but, have failed miserably.  
 
It has been a few weeks since I last wrote something.  I don’t think I’ve ever let it go on this long but shall attempt to summarise what’s been going on in the world of me in 50,000 words or less!

I’ve had a few things go on over the past few weeks which I’ve really struggled with.  I’ve continued to feel quite down and things have just seemed to go from bad to worse.  I suppose sometimes that’s how life can be, hey.  It’s not going to be all a walk in the park…

Aaaahhh, I’ve enjoyed the past few weeks with no fill.  For the first time in over a year, I have put on weight.  And I’m okay with that.  I have let myself go a bit.  It’s been nice to have a break and be able to eat pretty much anything I want.  And when I say it like that, I haven’t been eating a lot junk – even a simple Sushi roll or a warm chicken salad has been a treat and something that I am trying not to take for granted.  I’ve also realised once again that I am a food addict and I eat my emotions.  That’s possibly how I got ‘there’ in the first place.  To date, I weigh 172.2kg.

I’ve done a few things over the past few weeks to help make myself feel a bit better.  I’ve gone back to basics and have started such things as art therapy, breathing exercises, showers with lots of shower gel, pampering myself and spending time with my family and friends – stuff that makes me feel good.  It’s all this ‘self nurturing’ stuff that they speak about when you’re feeling a bit shitty.  And I’ve had to put a lot of effort in and it seems to be working.

I am going to phone Dr Winnett’s rooms tomorrow to find out when my next fill is.. he had arranged an appointment for me to see him after I’ve had another barium swallow.  I can’t remember the date so I need to find that out so that I can go and see him.  I have enjoyed my little break with no fill but I am really looking forward to having some fluid put back in the band so I have some restriction.  Having the courage to admit that I can’t do this on my own is something I did just over a year ago.  And I’m not afraid to stand up and say it again.

I found a book the other day from 2007 when I was at Fernwood.  I was doing their program where you saw a PT and a food consultant.  I had a look at my weight and I was 176.5kg.  I did have a photo in there as well but, I have no idea where it’s gone.  It was strange to see how I’ve just done a full circle and I’m back to where I started so long ago.  It’s a good feeling and it’s almost like I have a new start.  I am feeling better than I ever have physically, I’m doing things I never thought possible and although I’ve discovered a few bumps in the road, they’re important bumps and all part of my journey.

I’m coming up to my bandversary.  It’s on the 17.11.2011.  I’m not sure how I am going to celebrate.  I was going to have a gathering of some sort but, I think I’ll wait until I get to my 100kg mark before I do something.  At least we’ll be over the silly season.  Trying to work out what I could do to celebrate such an event.  Taking a progress photo will be one of the things on my list of things to do.

This weekend, I am taking part in relay for life.  I haven’t been in training like I was for the last one – I haven’t needed it as much this time!  I’m still going to find it a bit of a challenge as I haven’t been at the gym much.  I’m going to bring my heart rate monitor to work out how many calories I burn.  I also plan on running some of it.  The last time I did the relay, it was on Nanna’s birthday.  I actually rang her during my first lap as it was on her Birthday.  She was so proud of Da (my Sister), Lachlan and Callum for doing the relay in honour of her and I know that she will be just as proud this coming weekend when we brave the elements and walk for 18 hours.  If you’d like to sponsor me, I’d really appreciate it – here’s the link.  I miss her.

http://vic.cancercouncilfundraising.org.au/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=323504&langPref=en-CA&Referrer=http%3a%2f%2fwww.relayforlife.org.au%2fGetInvolved%2fSponsorATeamOrIndividual.aspx

Sorry for not writing for so long.  It’s qite hard not to write everything that’s happened in my life over the past few weeks here.  It’s been so challenging. I’ve managed to confront a lot of things that I have never had to before.  In a few weeks, I’ll speak about part of it as it all makes up who I am and where I’ve been.
I want to thank all of my friends who have been there for me over the last few weeks.  I wouldn't have been able to do it without you xo

I hope everyone is well xo

Monday, October 10, 2011

Dedicated to Lachie...

We all have them - the days where we simply CBF doing what we know we should be doing.  In my case, tonight it was going to the gym.  Now that I have no fill and I can eat a lot more than I have been able to in the past year, it is SO important that I work out whenever I can.  And tonight, if it weren't for my eldest Son, Lachie, I would not have gone.

Lachie is now officially a member of my Gym :) I signed him up last week to start today.  I have been setting a fine example for all of the Children for the past year about how important regular exercise and correct eating habits are and although I've had the best intentions of doing more exercise with them all, it's been a bit hard due to time constraints so, I thought it would be a good idea to sign Lachie up at the Gym.

He has been nagging me since yesterday to go.  I told him that we'd go tonight.  I got an SMS at around 4.30 asking if we could go to the Gym and I said yes.  When I got home, he asked what time we'd be going and I said 'when Dad gets home'.  'When Dad gets home' turned into 'after I've gotten tea' and in the end, we left as everyone was about to have dinner.

He did SO well.  We did 5 minutes of cross trainer, 10 minutes of treadmill (which included a minute of running) and 10 minutes on the bike.  We did a few weights - I started him on some really light upper body exercises (pull downs and a seated row) and then onto push ups.  We did a cool down and got home about half an hour ago. 



I have thanked him about 20 times for motivating me to go to the gym.  If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have gone.  I know that without doubt.   I'm going to get him an exercise book and write down what he's done each time he goes.  He thinks it's funny that his Mother is his 'Personal Trainer' in the making (literally) but, I don't want him to go through what I've gone through.  Living life like this is hard.  And if I can get him interested and motivated, hopefully he'll never experience what I have.

I was amazed at his dedication tonight - he was walking the same pace as I was (on double the incline).  I know that at the moment, it's a novelty for him (just like it is for all of us when we join the gym) but, I hope that by mixing it up, he'll enjoy going and it will become part of our routine.  I am going to get him to come 3 times a week with me and shall write out a program with him after I've worked out what he enjoys (and doesn't enjoy).  I'm really looking forward to watching him achieve some goals.  I am proud of him.  And I know that he is proud of me. 

Thank you, Lachie.  I love you so much xoxo

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Found my mojo :)

Ouch!  I am so stiff and sore!  Serves me right for not doing at least some kind of exercise for the past 5 weeks or so.

I had my PT with Neil on Thursday night.  It went really well.  I was able to manage to work with the weights that I was doing during my last PT sessions at the Gym.  I was a bit rusty but quickly got into the hang of it.  Neil taught me a lot of different stretches and spoke about the sorts of things that we are going to do during our sessions.  I'm really looking forward to working with him.  I see him next on Wednesday.

I stayed at Mum and Dad's house last night.  Lachie spent the week up there for the School Holidays so, I needed to go and pick him up.  It made more sense to drive there last night and drive back home today rather than do 3 hours of driving in 1 day.  I got up at 7.45 and went for a 4km walk.  They live in a very hilly area so it was great to walk around.  At one stage, I thought I was going to die as I walked up a really big hill but, I kept my pace up and was quite surprised at the speed that I was maintaining.  I wore my heart rate monitor and was shocked at the fact how low my rate was.  I felt like my heart was about to explode but in actual fact, I was no where near my maximum.

It feels really good to be back in the swing of things again.  I am going to go for a walk with the kids tomorrow.  I don't think I'll get much of a pace going with the Twins on their bikes as I have to keep stopping every 50 metres or so but it will be nice to get some fresh air.  I have heard it's supposed to rain tomorrow so if it does, I'll go to the gym instead.

I want to make special mention of one of my gorgeous friends tonight - Tracey.  It was a year ago today that she started her weight loss journey.  She has lost 44.3kg since she started her journey a year ago today.  I am amazed at her results and am in awe of what she has achieved.  Trace and I 'met' almost 6 years ago on a weight loss forum and it's been wonderful to see her transform into the person she is today.  I am SO proud of her.  Check out this before and after shot...



The link to her blog (and her latest entry) is here...

http://traceyslastchance.blogspot.com/2011/10/omg-i-did-it-12-months-today.html

I've been feeling a lot better over the past few days.  I'm starting to get back into the swing of things.  And it feels good to be back on the right track :) thank you to everyone who sent me messages... I'm okay - like I said, it's something that think I can fix and I have proven that to myself over the past few days.  I will beat this.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Spanner in the works but the spanner won't stop me...

Yes, it's been a while.  I've had a few things occur over the past few weeks that have put a massive spanner in the works but, I think things are slowly sorting.

I went and saw my Doctor last week as I am quite concerned about how low I've been.  I've had some major lows over the past few weeks (mostly which I think were related to not being able to eat or exercise - totally putting me out of whack) and he agreed however, he has prescribed me some anti depressants.  I did say to him that I am going to leave it a few weeks to see how I feel before starting to take them. 

I have a history of depression and haven't been on medication for well over a year.  I don't think I need to go on them - I think I need to re tweak a few things and deal with some stuff before making such a decision to go back on them.  My Doctor supports my decision however, wants me to come back in a few weeks to check in.

It's been just over a week since I had all the fluid removed from my band.  It is such a strange feeling.  I can actually eat!  And it has proven to be both a good thing and a bad thing.  I have really been enjoying the fact that for the first time in almost a year I am able to eat things like bread, tiny bits of steak, CHICKEN!, Sushi, crumpets, rice - all sorts of things.  I haven't had much rubbish food (which is a bit of a surprise) but, I gave myself the first week to indulge.  And I certainly did that.  And I enjoyed it.  Simple things that I forgot I can no longer do like sculling a bottle of water are things that I am enjoying.  It's like having a little 'holiday' from my band.  I still can't eat much however, I can have more than normal, bigger quantities than normal and takes me a lot longer to feel full as things are going through the band a lot quicker.

Today was another 'down' day for me.  Like I said, I've been feeling up and down and these have been quite severe over the past few weeks.  I asked Callum to check the mail for me and amongst bills other things, there was a letter from Julia Gillard.  This isn't uncommon as I am in her electorate.  I opened it to see this... (address removed for obvious reasons!) - click on it to make it bigger...



After reading this, I remembered how good I felt at the time of the stair climb.  How motivated I was and how fit I was.  I remembered why I am on this journey and that I owe this to myself because I am worth it.  Although I don't feel that great at the moment, I know things are going to get better and I know what I need to do to make them better.  So, after having my little moment of rediscovery, I dragged myself to the gym. 

Firstly, I located my heart rate monitor.  I turned it on and it had several rude messages for me letting me know that I hadn't been doing what I was supposed to be doing - all of them were totally justified!  I decided to reset the data and start again.  I also measured myself before I left (I will put that information on my measurements page - not sure how I went yet in comparison to last time I measured myself) but, I am hoping it's quire remarkable!

When I got to the gym, I chatted to Eileen (the receptionist).  It was great to see her - I haven't seen her for some time (the 31st of August was my last visit to the Gym).  It was great to get back into things.  I didn't work too hard as I want to ease myself back into it.  I did enough to 'feel it'.

I have a PT session tomorrow night at 8.  It will be interesting to see how I go during that as I haven't been for some time.  I'm booked in to see a new Trainer now - his name is Neil.  I've heard some great things about him so, it will be interesting to see what he comes up with.

So, that's where things stand at the moment.  I've had a lot of ups and downs over the past year but more so over the past few months.  It's been pretty tough.  If anyone can get through it, it's me.  I've tackled some amazing things over my time.  This is just another one that I need to get through. 

Depression is shit (sorry for the swear word but, it is) and to a certain point, it's still something that people don't like to talk about but, I'm happy to share my experiences.  It's all part of my journey which is all part of the road that will lead me to my destination which is closer than I think :)