Tuesday, November 30, 2010

2 weeks post Op... (well, almost!)

Tomorrow, I'm back to work!  Tomorrow, I'm officially 2 weeks post op!  To celebrate, I started my next food stage early...

I had a crumpet for tea!  Probably not the best thing to have.  I mashed it and chewed each piece a million times.  I have had a vegemite craving for SO long.  It was nice to satisfy that craving.  I ate each piece slowly and chewed until it as total mush.  I had it over 2 hours ago so it seems that everything has gone down well :)

I went and saw a friend today who I haven't seen in quite some time.  Amelia was amazed at how I am looking.  She said my skin looks amazing and she said how happy I am.  Carly from the babies Creche aid the same thing the other day.  She hadn't seen me in 2 weeks.  It's lovely when people notice.  I hope people notice tomorrow. Not just the weight loss but the fact that I am feeling better within myself.  This is what comes across the most.

We went to the Aquarium on Sunday.  Here are some pics.  It was a fantastic day.  I can see my loss in these photos.  I am SO proud.  It's great that I can now see these changes myself.


L-R - Lachlan, Callum, Me then David and Charlotte in the Pram

Drinking 'ensure' for lunch.  Blah.

Kissing Penguins :)

Weigh day is tomorrow!  I'm still not over the fact that I am under 200kg.  I am so proud.  I know that due to the liquid diet you are able to lose a lot of weight and I need to be prepared that I may put some of it back on and given the fact that I am only just under 200kg, I have to accept the fact that I may creep into the 200kg bracket again but I am going to do everything that I can to make sure that this doesn't happen.  This is not part of my plan.

I did do something today that worried me - I ate spoon fulls of Nutella.  I didn't realise I was doing it until I pulled my top down and felt my sores.  It was then that I remembered that 'no, I don't want to eat Nutella' and put the spoon in the sink right away!  I know that it's going to take some getting used to but, it's amazing how you don't realise yoour habits until you no longer want them as part of your life.  That would have been such a normal thing for me to do (not every day) but, having a spoonful of peanut butter or Nutella or Milo.  And yes, I am known to suck on the odd spoonful of vegemite :)

I see Dr Winnett on Thursday.  I look forward to seeing what he says about my weight loss over the past few weeks.  I can't wait to get these medical tapes taken off.  Welts are coming up around the edges.  They are really irritating.  One of the welts is bleeding :/
I shall post my weight up tomorrow :)

Hope everyone has a great week xo

P.S - I do use a spell check when doing my blogs but I have been using Brad's Computer of late as mine has broken and Brad's is a netbook - NOT designed for long nails or touch typing!  When my Computr is fixed, I'll go over each one and fix them up :)

Friday, November 26, 2010

I can't believe it! GOAL FINALLY REACHED!

I'M UNDER 200 KILOGRAMS!

Yes, I know weigh day isn't until next Wednesday but, this morning I couldn't resist :)

My scales talk.  She says 'hello' and then a few seconds later, she says 'I'm ready'.  I stand on her and she says 'two hundred and such a such a kilograms.  Goodbye'. 

This morning, I tapped her with my foot which started the 'hello' and then, as usual the 'I'm ready' followed.  I stood on her and about 10 seconds later, tears ran down my cheeks when I heard 'one hundred and ninty eight point four kilograms.  Goodbye'.  I couldn't stop crying.  I stood on them again to double check and yes, it's right.  I can't believe it.

To reach under 200kg - the '200's' being a number that until 4 months ago I didn't even realised I'd reached, is such an accomplishment.  I feel happy.  Relieved.  Safer.  PROUD.  And although I am still in the hiigh hundreds, that number is going to drop every week from here on in.  That 23.6 kilograms is gone.  I'll never be over 200kg again.

I can't believe it.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

1 week Post Op

I'm not sure how to write this but, I am going to see how I go...

Today has been good. I haven't had any pain killers. My belly button is the only thing that is sore other than the port site.

I did some washing and also cleaned the kitchen. It still really hurts to bend over. I notice if I sort of 'kneel' when I bend, things don't seem to hurt as much.

Although my weight isn't here solely here due to overeating, it does play some part of it. Emotional eating also plays some part, something that I've been addressing in the past few months and something that will get better over time as I learn to understand the correlation between ho I am feeling and my eating habits.

It's been a week since my Surgery. It's great that I'm feeling good physically but, mentally an emotionally, I not feeling that crash hot.

I used to enjoy going to Maccers for breakfast. This is something I used to do frequently (at least once per fortnight). It also used to be on a Thursday which is the day that I don't have the Children. I also enjoy getting take away for lunch at least one a week. Sometimes I do this on the Tuesday when I only have the babies or I do it on the Thursday. In the last few months, take away has been Subway or a salad roll. It's still something other than my regular Optifast bar.

These are moments and things that I used to enjoy. They used to make me, well, happy?

It's not bothering me being on the liquid phase or 2 weeks. It's not bothering me. I am having a lot of yummy soups and smoothies and tonight, I'm having milo for tea.

I feel like going to an all you can eat and pigging out. I'm not hungry but, just the thought f being able to choose from so many bad foods does it for me :) I'm not even hungry but, the thought of not even being able to have a salad sandwich makes me annoyed.

I suppose that these sorts of things are normal and the feelings that I have are natural. They're just very annoying and quite consuming.

I need a plan on how to get through these moments. Perhaps going to the gym when I have these feelings will help or finding something else that I enjoy doing. I'll need to write a list and find new things that I can enjoy doing in place of those occasions where I'd eat. 

Someone actually said to me the other day that they thought I'd be happy now that I have the band.  I am happy that I got it and from what I have experienced thus far, I know I have made the right decision.  I look at some of my behaviours when it came to eating and realised that I was killing myself with food (which obviously leads to being Overweight).  I am doing the right things to make sure that my lap band experience is successful however, as I've said before a few times now, you can get a band for your stomach but not for your head.  I've heard some people refer to it as 'head hunger' - when you think about food all the time but you're not actually hungry (I think I have the definition of the term correct...).

I know I am going to be able to eat again as well! Obviously not in the same way a I used to. This is not what's getting me down. It's just my routine has changed and I need to adjust to that.

I wrote this at around about 9.30pm on Wednesday night .It's now 4.30am on Thursday morning and it's amazing what a little bit of sleep can do.

I have decided that I am going to put $30 a week (roughly what I would have spent on the take away for myself in a week) into an account that I use so for clothes as I shrink. I have also decided that when I do feel like this, going for a walk is going to be the option. not necessarily going to the gym (because then I have to go through the whole thing of still no being able to put socks and shoes on) but, just a walk by myself (or with the Dogs) I am also going to call my team leader and let her know that I am coming back on Monday rather than the Wednesday. Although my job is annoying and stressful at times, I do enjoy it and it does make me feel better about myself when I am at work rather t laying invalid house Mum. At least I can do loads of washing, fold the washing an pack the dishwasher now!

I'm going back to bed.

Oh, and I have changed my weigh in day too - I am going to weigh myself on a Wednesday from now on as Wednesday is when I had my Surgery. I've still gotta do those measurements!

Thank you for reading my whinge xo I guess it''s all part of the journey, hey.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

6 day Post Op - what a journey so far

I really want to use this moment to just type what comes out.

The past 100+ days have been such an emotional time.

Today has been my first day since surgery that I've felt semi normal again.

When I say semi normal, I mean a day hen my head hasn't been clouded by pain killers!  It's the 2nd day that I've been off them.

Now that I am feeling semi normal, I have taken a step back to see how much life has changed over the past few days.  Or should I say, what hasn't changed.

Although I bought as many books as I did, no book seemed to focus on the psychological change that you go through after you have surgery.  You wake up as the same but different person.  This may not make sense now but I hope it does in a minute.

EVERYTHING has changed.  Everything from no longer having my 2 litres of water per day (which was a habit I got into long before I decided to have surgery) to the number of times I go to the toilet during the day (sorry, I'll put my TMI indicator up now!).

You have to totally revamp your life.  Even things that you used to do prior to surgery are done differently such a having a berocca.  I have to let it go flat now rather than  enjoying the bubbles.  And I can't skull it down like I use to, it as to be sipped.  I now take tablets 1 at a time rather than 3 or 4 at time for fear of them getting stuck in my band. 

And I can't tell you what a strange feeling it is to not be hungry. I don't have an interest in food.  I eat because I need to give my body nutrition and the energy to get through each day. 

When they say that everything changes and you start a new life, it is true.  I am only 6 days in.  It's going to be strange to find out what I discover over the next few months.

I went and bought myself some new sneakers today as well. I told the lady that I had a challenge for her - that I am a size 11. She said that wasn't a problem and bought out these gorgeous sneakers with hot pink on them. They were lovely. Only problem - they wouldn't go over my foot because of the swelling. I ended up settling for some others that were from the Men's rage (something I am used to doing). They are comfortable. But not pink. I felt a bit sad about the pink sneakers but, I'll be back - I'll go back in a year and buy some girl's ones.


I went to the gym tonight.  I took it easy.  I walked a kilometre.  I was going to do half an hour however, I got a stitch (just a slight one) and I listened to my body so, I stopped.  I walked roughly 3km per hour for the duration of the walk.  It was great to be back and it was fantastic to get the blood running back through my body again as I've been inactive for pretty much the past week.


Working up a sweat!

I'll go again tomorrow night.  I aim to walk for half an hour.  Even if I only manage to do what did tonight (20 odd minutes), it's better than nothing and it's a start.

Brad found a photo of Callum and I the other day.  I am not sure how much I weighed but I know I was 22 which was 8 years ago.  I was amazed to see how I've changed. 



Over the next few days, I'll get some more photos and put them up.  I have also got a number of full length shots that I've taken in the past few months which I'll also put up.  A number of people have noticed a change in me - I have lost over 20 kilograms after all. 

I was going to go back to work tomorrow but I am glad I didn't.  The thought of being elbowed in my sores on a peak hour train terrifies me. 

I'm off to bed :) very tired xo

Monday, November 22, 2010

WEEK 14 - 5 days Post Op

I can't believe I'm at day 5 already!

Today, I'm not in as much pain as I have been in the past few days.  My belly button feels as though it has been stabbed with at least 20 metal chicken skewers.  It hurts!  I have only taken Panadol today which is good. 

The kids went off to School as normal today and the babies are at baby School.  I went back to bed at around about 8.30 and got up at 11.30 or so.  I haven't been able to do a lot since getting up although I do intend on going down the street later to get something for everyone elses dinner.  I'm set - I've got my soup.

It's a really strange feeling having the band on.  I don't actually feel hungry.  I read through one of my books last night about what to expect a month after the baning and this is what they hope to achieve - a lack of interest in food.  I haven't felt hungry once since Wednesday.  I have felt thirsty in the way of a dry mouth but that is all.  I have eaten something almost every meal but it has only been a few tablespoons of soup or drinking yogurt or something like that.  I haven't felt full or content or anything like that.  I've just felt the same.

I imagine that it's going to take time to get to know what the feeling of hungry and full feels like.  Until then, I'll make sure i eat routinely and make sure I keep up my fluid intake.


Subway Smoothie

I still feel like eating things although I am not hungry.  I really wanted to eat a peanut butter and honey sandwich when I woke up at 1.00 this morning.  For a split second when I woke up, I totally forgot about my band!  I didn't have it (obviously) but it's funny feeling like things that I'm not going to have.  Yesterday at the BBQ, Trish had potato salad.  I could have eaten the whole lot!  Even though I'm not hungry, I still get cravings. 

There is a very clever lady on the lap baning forum who says that you can put a band around your stomach but not around your head.  I am going to understand this as the weeks go on. 

I'm going to start the Christmas shopping this week as I've done nothing so far.  I know what I am getting the Boys but other than that, I have no idea what I'm getting anyone.  I love the idea of doing most of it online :)

I've got my first Post Op appointment with Jason Winnett on the 2nd December 2010.  I weighed myself this morning - I am 202kg at the moment.  I am going to do myself a favour and only weigh myself once a week (I've been doing it every day since Surgery and today is the first day I've recorded  loss).  It's so frustrating and not good for my mental state.  The scales are going to live in the bottom cupboard in he bathroom every other day of the week other than Monday morning...

Off to get this day started :) I'm going to do my measurements tonight, something I wish I did a lot earlier.  I'll post them up once their done.

4 days post Op

I did feel pretty good this morning when I got up.  So good that we ended up going out and having a BBQ in the park with Trish and Clint

I'm feeling so good in fact that we are going out to have a BBQ in the park with Trish and Clint. 

I can't moveng.   around very quickly and am still aware of my sorest spots on my tummy (my belly button at the moment). 

It' hard to know when i'm hungry as well.  There have only been one or 2 moment here I have had the slight incling that I am hungry and could possibly eat something.  When I say eat, I do mean drink.

I had my first shower yesterday.  I have been having a wash each day but becaue of my swelling, I don't fit into my shower.  I can't suck my tummy in to get past the shower door.  I stiood in the bath and bought the shower head over to the bath.  I might go to the gym and have a shower there.  I haven't been to the gym for months and I've been paying my membership so, the least I can do is go and use their bathroom facilitiles, hey!  It is annoying not being able to fit in my shower though.  Brings me back to a few months ago when I had to remove a panel to be able to get in it...
I am still very tired.  I'm off to bed in a moment (it's not even 7) so I hope I get a good sleep tonight a feel  little bit more rested in the morning.

Weigh day tomorrow :)

Friday, November 19, 2010

2 days Post Op

When I woke up this morning, I felt as though I had been hit by a small bus. 

My ribs were quite sore and I was stiff.  It was hard to get up but I did it.  It was 6.30.  At least I slept the whole night.  I had some pain killers and then I went back to bed.  I woke up again at 10.30 and stayed up for a while.  I watched beauty and the geek, had a chocolate and banana smoothie (water like consistency) and then went back to bed. 

I got up again at about 5.30, made some soup for dinner and I'm still up now but am about to go back to bed again.

I am feeling pretty good today.  I did expect to feel a lot worse than what I did so I'm amazed at how good I a actually doing. 

I'm feeling very drowsy...

I'm so proud of some of my friends as well.  Cath has lost so much weight over the past few weeks as has Linda.  One of my other friends, Jo has started seeing a Personal Trainer.  Bec is embarking on her own weight loss journey (there is a link to her blog on my links page).  Trace (my friend who had the gastric sleeve surgery) is doing amazingly well.  I read her blog tonight and saw her measurements.  I am amazed at these girls for their efforts :) they are inspirational and I wish them all well on their Journeys :) I do have another friend named Bec who I need to get in touch with to find out how she is going.  It's been ages since I've spoken to her properly.  Ill have to send her an Email...

It's bloody hard work but it can be done.  And the results are well worth it.  Keep it up everyone xoxo

Thursday, November 18, 2010

My Surgery :)

Well, I'm home :) I've just woken from my Nanna nap and I'm now sitting up in the Couch.

Although it is rather uneventful, here is my story...


Yesterday, I got up as usual and helped the Boys get ready for School. I was feeling a bit tired from the night before as I stayed up to watch movie. Other than that, I was calm and relaxed. A bit short tempered but that's nothing abnormal but I could justify this especially since I got up past my 'fast from' time and couldn't have a Coffee!

After the boys went to School, Brad organised the babies and I relaxed and watched the season finale of 'Packed to the Rafters' that I'd taped from the night before. After that, I headed off to the shower a packed a small Suitcase. I packed for a few nights (just in case I needed them). I put all of my good luck charms in my bag (a bracelet my Sister gave me several years ago, an Angel from Rach, a Doll from Loz and that note from Callum). I also had my necklace around my neck which had my pink Angel, locket and a heart that Mum bought for me last Christmas.

We left an hour later than what I had intended on leaving which worried me as I wanted to be on time! I wanted to bypass Trish's work before going in so that I could give her a big cuddle. I also needed to drop the Boys lunch off to School. Callum had asked me to give him a cuddle before I left to go to the Hospital. I couldn't find him as he was at recess so, I asked Lachlan's Teacher (who was standing in the Office) if she wouldn't mind doing it for me. She said that was fine so, I wrote that on the back of his 'I love you note' (that Lachlan's teacher would give him a hug from me) however, as soon as I wrote it, I realised that I'd written it on the back of Lachlan's note! I asked her if she wouldn't mind hugging him for me too. We both agreed that he'd probably back off (it's not cool for Grade 6ers to hug their teachers) but she said she would if he let her.

We headed off to Trish's work. It was nice to see her den :) at least I will know where she is Emailing me from now which is nice :) she gave me a huge hug and her goddess to borrow for the day.  I put the goddess down my bra which is where she spent most of the day :) after big cuddles, I left.

I was starting to get a bit nervous.  I am not even sure if nervous is the word.  I don't really know what I felt.  I was trying to distract myself by reading and playing with my iPhone.  When we got there, we pulled up out the front and I think then something kicked in.

We waited in the admissions area and I had to sign a few pieces of paper.  We were then taken up to level 3 and directed to a waiting room.  After sitting there for a few minutes, Brad pointed out that Steven Milne was sitting just under a metre away from me.  Uurrgghh.  That's when I started to feel sick.  I can't stand St Kilda!  CARN THE HAWKS!  The temptation to sing the Collingwood club song was great but I couldn't lower myself to do that either.  I was then called by my anesthetist (Mark) to have a chat with him.

We spoke a bit about the day.  He told me that he had written me up for some Tamazapam for when I n was laying on the trolley.  He asked how I felt and I told him I felt surprisingly calm.  I did mention that this may change as the day went on though.  He checked my throat (I think for when they stick the tube down) and he said everything looked fine.  He asked how I felt about being 2nd on the list.  I told him I was fine with this as this is what I had expected.  He asked me if I wanted to be move up and said no.  Don't like going first! I did mention to him that I had noticed some people sitting in the waiting room in their Hospital gowns.  I stated that I did not want to be one of these people as the thought of sitting around in he gown really did nothing for me!  He said I'd need to speak to the Nurse about this.

I went back and sat in the waiting room.  Milne was called away soon after.  I started to feel a little less ill!  No sooner had I sat back down, I was called into the little room again!  This time by one of the Nurses.  She asked me all the usual questions - do I have false teeth, do I have glasses, do I have any valuables etc... She measured me up for some compressions stockings but they did not have my size - something I'll be writing to them about.  If they look after people my size, they should be able to cater for them, especially when it comes to the compression stockings.  For some reason, this lady made me anxious!  Not sure why but, we got there in the end.  She then had to weigh me.  I asked if the scales went up to my weight and she said she wasn't sure.  Nope, they didn't.  I told her I was 202.4kg.  I didn't make it to under 200kg like I'd hoped but, I have lost 20.5kg.  I'm WRAPPED with this result.

I told her that I didn't want to wear the gown in the waiting room.  She said this was fine and that I could get changed when I was bought into the waiting bay.

We sat back in the waiting room and I half watched 'ready, steady, cook' but focused more on the Newspaper.  I went to the toilet twice.  The Nurse came back to get me and told me it was time to go to the waiting bay.  Brad could come with me.

I got changed into my sexy gown and hat.  Didn't have to wear booties.  I lay down on the bed and that's when the nerves kicked in.  I had a tiny bit of a cry and spent most of the time deep breathing.  Brad and talked about random things and had chuckles at the man next to us who kept being asked what procedure he was having.  It was a vasectomy.  Not something to laugh about but when he was asked 3 times, you could tell on the 3rd he was a bit sick of it!  lol.

After he left, Mark (the anesthetist) came in and put my needle in.

Then, Jason came into my little cell and sat on the bed 'you made it' he said.  We spoke about my liver and I told him that I hadn't been perfect on my Optifast.  He asked how much weight I'd lost and he said that everything would be fine.  I'd asked previously if he could take some pictures of the procedure for me and he said just to remind him on the day which I did.  He said he would make a DVD of them up for me.  He was so calm and relaxed and this rubbed off onto me.  I felt so much better after seeing him.  He really made me feel at ease.

Mark came back after this and gave me some stuff to help me relax.  I can safely say it worked.  I felt that nice rush to the head within minutes of it going in.After this, it's a bit of a blur.  I was told that it was time to go!  Brad gave me a hug and a kiss and watched as I was wheeled into theatre.  The theatre didn't scare me as much as I thought it would.  Last time I was in a theatre, it was when I had the babies.  They spent an hour and a half trying to get an epidural into my spine.  I have horrible memories of that moment as they didn't end up being able to do it, I had a general.

I was asked to move to the operating bed.  I heard they had Gold 104.3 on the radio. . I asked if this is what they would be listening too whilst I had my surgery.  Yes, I was told.  This bought me and one of the girls talking about music.  I confessed my love for the 80's stuff but said I also don't mind a bit of Lady Gaga.  I looked at the clock on the wall and it was 4.50.

Then, it was time.  They put the mask on my face and I smelt the familiar smell of anesthetic and I was off!

I don't remember waking up in recovery.  I do remember waking up in my room though.  They told me that Mum and Dad were there.  They did a few things to me before letting Mum and Dad in and Jason also came in to say how pleased he was with everything.  He said they'd used a smaller band than what they thought they would have to which he was pleased about.  He said that my liver was not as small as hoped it would have been but there was a nice clear path for them to be able to get through to my stomach.  I don't remember what else he said but he was very pleased.  He said I have beautiful internal organs.  That my anatomy is amazing inside.  This made me happy :)

Mum and Dad came in to see me.  It was about 8pm at this stage.  They stayed for about 15 minutes I think Mum said.  I was very much in and out of it whilst they were there.  Mum bought me a gorgeous little seal toy.  Every time I've had an operation, she has bought me a soft toy.  I am happy to see this time wasn't any different.  I think I said to Dad that I wanted to go driving in his Morris Minor with him and that I wanted to take Mum's car for a drive in a few months to see if I fit behind the wheel (unlike a few weeks ago).

The Nurse asked if I wanted anything to drink.  I said some apple juice would be great.  Jason had confirmed with her that we could have whatever fluids we wanted.  I had been sipping on the water but when she bought the apple juice in, oh wow!  It was SO NICE to drink it.  I spilt it because I fell asleep with it in my hand!  The Nurse bought me in some more and woke me as I was about to spill the second lot.  She was lovely as she got me 5 lots of apple juice throughout the night :)

Someone turned my TV on.  I remember hearing a show about the upcoming Royal Wedding.  I turned it off - even though the engagement was only announced day or so, I am sick of hearing about it!  I put it onto One HD instead.  I had no intention of watching it but at least it didn't have anything about the Royals on it.

I got up at about 9.30 to go to the Toilet.  I phoned Trish at this stage to let her know I was okay.  I was happy to hear that she was okay as well.  I got her to update my Facebook for me as I couldn't remember where my mobile was!  I tried phoning the kids at this stage as well but Brad's phone kept going to voice mail and I think the home phone was flat. 

I woke up with the phone still in my hand.  I dialled the number and the Nurse came in to do my Obs and asked me what I was doing.  I told her I was calling home to speak to the Kids. She said that they'd be in bed as it was 11.30!  I still rang to speak to Brad.  I don't remember what I said..

I remember being in and out all night.  At 1, I got up to go to the toilet an this is when I found my mobile.  It was in the front pocket of my suitcase!  I went on Facebook for a while and then fell back asleep.  I got up again at 4 and went to the toilet.  It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would to walk around although the Nurse made sure I wasn't going to fall or anything.

I had a blood test at around 4.40am and I then had a chest XRay at 6.  I didn't end up having to have the barium swallow.

Jason came in at about 7.  He gave me my disk of pictures.  He as very pleased to hear that I was virtually pain free. 

I was worried about the Lady next to me.  All night she was moaning because of the pain.  She'd had lap band done as well.  She wasn't able to get up to go to the Toilet.  She was in so much agony and howled when she had to sit up to have the chest XRay done.  At 3 or so she was almost screaming for someone to help.  I asked her if she wanted me to press my buzzer for a Nurse and she said yes.  She was moved down to the ward at around 8 as she'll be staying in for another few nights.

Breakfast arrived - corn flakes, bacon, a boiled egg, a bread roll with butter and jam, orange juice and tea.  I'm not joking!  I grabbed the orange juice and asked for a Coffee sachet as I didn't feel like tea.  The nurse came in about 10 minutes after the breakfast arrived saying 'I trust you know what you can and can't have for breakfast?'.  She's lucky I do!  I assured her that the corn flakes hadn't been eaten, rather tucked away in my suitcase to give to the kids.

My XRay and blood test came back fine and I was then sent on my way :)

When I got home, I looked at the pictures.  They are amazing.  It's like a pink cave with a river of fat.  Seriously, there is SO MUCH fat in there.  I wish they'd sucked it out. It's revolting to look at knowing that's inside my body!  The images are surreal.  There's about 20 of them. I will post them up here but in a different section as I know some people (like my Mother) don't like medical images.  I have named my  band 'Aller' (pronounced Ella) as the brand name is 'Allercan'.

I had a nap as well and then when I got up, I had some pain killers.  I had some more apple juice.  I am using my book 'knife, fork and band' to find some recipes in.  In  moment, I am going to have a few spoon fulls of leek and potato soup.  It smells Divine.

Thank you once again to everyone for the phone calls, the SMS, the messages on Facebook and the love and support.  I really appreciate it.  I'm going to print them up and keep them all.

I'm going to watch my first Episode of Neighbours as a Bandit and then, I'm off to bed.

Stay tuned... the journey has just begun xo

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Day 100 - the day before the first day of the rest of my life... 1 SLEEP TO GO!

It was great to go to work today.  I walked to the Station this morning.  it's something that I should do more often.  It's not that far from my house and not only did it wake me up, I felt more energized when I got to work. 

I got my usual Coffee from the Station and wrote down the address of my blog for her so she can keep tabs on my progress.  I've been buying Coffee from her for the past 8 months and I don't even know her name but we know a lot about one another.  She is lovely.  She wished me well and that's when i realised that today was going to be either very confronting and emotional or easy and calming.  I didn't think it would sit in the middle.

When I got to work, I discovered that I had to move desks (again).  I knew this was on the cards that's why I didn't put up my 50 odd photos on the wall of my new/old desk that I've been sitting at for the past few weeks.  After my move, we had a team meeting.  I did the minutes to keep my mind busy.  I didn't have to go on phones which was great.  I had the chance to get all of my work up to date.

At lunch time, I spent the half an hour in a darkened meeting room, laying on the floor doing my relaxation (mindfullness) exercises.  I am pleased that I did them because right at the end of the third exercise, my phone rang and it was the Hospital just giving me a call to discuss what is going to happen tomorrow.  I found out that I am 2nd Cab of the rank and that I'll be in Theatre by about 2/2.30pm.  Aarrgghh!  I'm happy that I'm not first.  I think that would make me more nervous.

I left work early after all of my work as all done and took the kids to the park and to feed the ducks.  It was nice to spend time with them all doing something we all enjoy doing.  I bought the Camera along (as usual) and got some shocking (but real) photos of me, pre surgery...



The one where I am on the swing is SO not flattering but,as you'd know I'm not into flattery when I post my pics - I look at reality and take each moment what is.  I can't wait to go and swing on the same swing in 6 months and take a photo of myself then and compare the difference.

Tonight I plan on watching packed to the rafters followed by a move (I think it will be Asylum or the social network - not sure what yet).  I'll get up at normalish time and leave home at probably 10.30 as I'm dropping past Trish's work to give her a cuddle.

Callum was put to be about half an hour ago.  He came out just before, close to tears.  He handed me an note written in big letters 'good luck on your lap band'.  He is very worried about me.  He said he doesn't want me to die.  It a so hard to just hold him and not cry a well.  I was strong.  Strong for him.  We asked Lachlan to go to School tomorrow (despite the fact that he is feeling very sick still) to look after Callum.  Callum has asked me to get him lunch from the Bakery and bring it to his classroom before I leave to go the Hospital.  I am not sure if this will make things worse or better.  Lach is going to have his mobile on him and Brad is going to send him an SMS when I have gone in and he'll call him when I am out.  By the time I get out, the boys will be at after school care. 

If I was ever going to pull the pin, it would be now.  Seeing those huge eyes look at me in the way that they did almost tore me apart.  I feel strange.  I am not only doing this for me but also for them.  I want a better quality of life for not only me but them as well. 

I spent some time reading one of my lap band books today on the way home in the train.  It was the one that was given to me I went to my initial appointment to see Dr Winnett.  I have read it so may times and today when I read it, it felt as though I was recapping my lines for a play that I am performing in.  It was strange.  Like I am memorising my part of the script so that I get it right on the day.

Just wanted to thank everyone for the steady flow of well wishes I have been getting on my Facebook page tonight.  It means so much to know that I am supported by so many people.  I have also had a number of text messages that I also appreciate.  I'll update during the day using Facebook and if I am not able to do so (due to being groggy), I'll get Brad to do it on my behalf.  Although updating my status in a drug induced state seems appealing, I don't think that it would serve its purpose due to the fact it wouldn't make sense.

Cue the tears...

Think of me tomorrow xoxo the first day of the rest of my life will begin and I can't wait :)


Monday, November 15, 2010

WEEK 13 - day 99 - 2 MORE SLEEPS!

I just realised that I haven't updated my blog since Friday so, a quick run down...

The XRay came through clear at about 5pm.  I have continued to use my asthma thingy when I am wheezing and it seems to be fixing it up.  I highly doubt the Doctor was right when saying that I have asthma because I am overweight.  A lot of skinny people have asthma.  I do agree with his diagnosis now that the XRay has come up clear. 

The wait is almost over... I can't believe that I am almost at the finish line of one part of my life and at the start of another.  It's a strange feeling. 

I feel bad for leaving 'this person' behind and meeting a new.  I am sure that sounds strange but that is what it feels like.  I know I'll wake up as 'me' but I'll be fitted with the equipment to improve not only my health but my life and the lives of those around me.  I can't wait to make this change.  I can't wait to see how I changer over the next few months.  I know it's not going to be easy but it would be a lot harder living like this for the rest of my life.  I can't imagine doing it. 

I had a great weekend.  We went away for the night to Ballarat.  I spent 2 and a half hours in the Jacquzzi :) it was so relaxing.  I can't wait to not have to wear a skirt in the water - bring on shorts and a T Shirt!  We went bowling on the Saturday night and went to the plaster fun house on the Sunday.  It was nice to spend time together as a family and even though David ended up sick on the Sunday, we had a great time


I haven't weighed myself today.  I am going to do so on Wednesday morning.

I've been a bit worried about the size of my liver.  I haven't stuck to the Optifast diet as well as I could have.  Especially over the past few weeks.  I called my Surgeon's rooms today to let them know this.  I also wanted to be assured that if he couldn't get the band on using keyhole surgery that he is more than welcome to 'open me up' and do it that way.  I don't want to go through this again.  I don't think I could. 

So, I'm off to bed after I've watched Neighbours!  I have to go into work tomorrow as I had Lachlan home today.  After taking him to the Doctors, they told me he has tonsillitis.  I was going to keep David home as well because he has had a very high temperature on and over over the past 2 days but, he improved during the morning so I decided to send him to Chreche and concentrate on Lachlan.  After going to the Doctors, I took him to the shops and let him buy what he wanted for the next few days.  His throat is very sore and very red so, when he held up the tub of Ice Cream, I could hardly say no :)

Friday, November 12, 2010

Day 96 - 5 days to go :O

Wow!  Only 5 days left to go.  Feels quite strange writing that number down!

the last 24 hours have certainly been interesting.  I have been very wheezy over the past few days.  My cough has come back and I sound like a mouth organ when I wake up in the morning because I can't breathe properly.  Ventolin is doing nothing.  I do not have asthma.

I spoke to Linda from Jason Winnett's rooms yesterday and she suggested a chest XRay.  I arranged to have today off work so that i could go and sort everything out.  My normal Doctor is not currently in so, I have to see the other Doctor - the third on my list of Doctors I'll go and see.  The one who has said to me in the past that all fat people have a certain odour about them.

I went in this morning and explained to him that I am wheezing.  He is aware that i have Surgery on Wednesday as I saw him last week to get some more antibiotics to clear the cough up.  He stated that he thinks that I have asthma and it's nothing more than that therefore there is nothing to worry about . He said that I would have the asthma due to the fact that I am overweight.  I informed him that I have never had asthma in the past and I have been overweight for 30 years.  I am unsure what my weight would have to do with it.  He stated that it is because my lungs are struggling to work because of my size and they are compressed because of the rest of me... hmmm.

He gave me another inhaler to try.  I had a go and I coughed for about 5 minutes after having it.  I will continue to use it (due to the fact he has diagnosed me with asthma) and that my peak flow reading was 3.5 when for someone my age and height, it should be around 5.  It's funny as all of the speromitary testing that I had at Doctor Goldin's said I was fine and this was just after the initial bout of what started as the chest infection but turned into bronchitis.

Anyway, I asked for a chest XRay.  He reluctantly wrote one up for me.  I left the Surgery.  I was nearly in tears but held them in.  I swore a lot instead.  Out loud.  Talking to myself and calling him mean names (which I wouldn't dare write on here - this is a family show).

At the XRay place, I had a vent to the receptionist.  She knows of the Doctor and has had a similar experience with him.  We both agreed that he is a fatist and she said that she feels is a 'fataphobic' (a term I've never heard before but intend on using frequently).  I sat and waited.  Had my XRay.  Went home.

I now sit and wait.

I did give my anaesthetist a call.  I spoke to him about what has been happening.  He said if it's just a bit of asthma, he's still happy to proceed.  He asked if I was feeling well and checked I haven't lost my appetite (the temptation to bore him with the list of things I could eat if I was able to was great but, I resisted).  We spoke for about 20 minutes.  I have spoken to him prior to today but, seem as it's getting closer I asked a few more questions.

I informed him that I take Valium on occasions for anxiety.  He stated that he is happy for me to take some of this prior to coming in if this is something I feel will keep me relaxed and calm to the lead up for the procedure.  He stated that he can give me something to make me 'blissfully unaware' of what's going on prior to being wheeled into Surgery.  I was pleased with this :) and is an option I will take up.

It is so close now.  My heart jumps a bit when I think about it.  I am getting excited.  Monday was a day filled with fear, Tuesday was when I didn't really think about it, Wednesday I focused on other things and threw myself into work, yesterday was the same - I had other things to think about.  Today is a day of waiting.  And cleaning :/

I am optimistic that it will go ahead.  I can't read XRays but my chest looks pretty good to me.  I'll wait for the phone call from Jason for Wednesday's go ahead.

I still worry a bit about my liver.  Has it shrunk enough to have surgery?  Has any of the things that I have been doing over the past 3 months made a difference?  Hmmm.  We shall have to wait and see...

Things resisted today (so far).  I WANT CHICKEN!  I have been craving chicken for days and days and days.  I have had a piece here and there (from the stir fry last night) but, I could have a lot more if I were allowed to.  I also want Chocolate.  And garlic Pizza.  It's funny how I want the really bad things even though they weren't foods that I ate in the past. 

Monday, November 8, 2010

WEEK 12 - day whatever (92 I think?) - 9 DAYS TO GO

Thought I'd be different and blog on the Train :)


Today I'm actually intentionally taking up more room than what I normally do so that no one tries to sit next to me on the train. Sometimes people misjudge the size of their butt thinking it will fit next to my butt only to find that it doesn't. I don't feel like having any of those awkward moments day.


So, it's Monday. I feel a bit emotional today to the point where I have tears in my eyes whilst typing this! This is not a good thing to do on the train but I guess I got on at Melton - anything is possible!


People keep asking if I'm excited. I would love to say to everyone 'yeah I am but, I'm shitting myself'. I guess this would be the reaction most would expect but for me to say this would require a further explanation on my part about why I am shitting myself and more conversation. Don't get me wrong - I don't mind telling some people exactly how I feel, it's just when I talk about it, I don't know what my reaction is going to be until I start answering the question.

Today I was a wreck at work.  I had my '1 on 1' this morning with my Team Leader and at the end of it, we went through my planned leave (as part of the meeting) and we discussed my work load during the 2 weeks II have off for my Surgery (and recovery).  I have already said that if I am okay I'll come back a week earlier.

After that, I lost it!  I just started to cry.  Fiona is a fantastic team leader and I thanked her for that today.  She is approachable and supportive and I really appreciate her accepting and catering for the mess that I am in at the moment.  My job is quite unpredictable and can involve a lot of emotional phone calls and issues and when you're not feeling the best, taking each phone call can be a daunting task as you're not sure what you're going to get.  At the end of each call today, I took a deep breath and got ready to take the next.  I only had 2 dissatisfied Clients today.  Their grievance is never personal but is to do with the system however it can stilll be hard when you have someone yelling a swearing at you on the other end of the phone, especially when you're not up to it. 

I spoke to Fiona about starting my leave this Wednesday and coming back the Wednesday after the operation but we agreed that this probably wasn't the best thing to do.  I can do this.  4 more work days and then it's done.  Not long to go now...

I didn't eat today althugh I ate a huge bowl of veggies tonight.  Leek, bok choy, zucchini, broccoli and some mushrooms.  I am still a bit hungry so I am waiting for the food to settle before I have something else.  I should probably get some fluids into me before I go to bed.  I have been up since 4.30!

I wanted to take this opportunity to thank my beautiful, dearest friend, Trish.  She has been such an amazing support throughout these past months and I don't know how I would have done it without her.  She is an amazing person and I am so grateful for her being there.  She has been my rock. I actually apolgised today for being such a high maintenace friend at the moment.  And thank you to Mr Clinton for the loan of your wife during our long phone calls.  I am sure that you miss her :)

My other wonerful friends Lana, Loz, Trace, Bec (both Becs - Sydney Bec and twins Bec), Ronda, Yas, John, Judy, Chantal and anyone else who has listened to me during the past few months.  You have all been amazing.  I don't know how I would do it without them. And all the people from the banding together forum have been nothing but a pillar of support.  Your knowledge, acceptance and willingness has kept me going through some of my finest hours!  I appreciate it.

And to Cheryl and Brendan (2 of my work colleagues), you are both fantastic.  I know Cheryl reads this but I am not sure about Mr Brendan.  Cheryl has been amazing.  Especially today.  Everytime I sniffed or swore or sounded like I had a bad call, she was there for me looking out for me and making sure I was okay.  I really appreciate having you next to me :)

And to everyone who sends me messages through here and on Facebook (you know who you are), your words keep me going.  To get messages from people I used to go to School with and haven't spoken to in years saying how they are inspired and encouraged means so much to me.  I've had some amazing Emails come through.  I have kept each one.  They mean more to me than you know.

And last but not least.  To the 2 people who seem to have drawn the short straw and put up with most of the emotional roller coaster that this journey has been so far - my Mother and my Husband, Brad.  I love you both.  I have been such a bitch at times over the past few months.  You have both put up with my up and down moods, proof read things that wouldn't be easy to do, loving me for who I am.  For being hung up on (on occasions) when I just don't know what to do anymore and for enduring this stuff without turning around and walking the other way   Thank you for not giving in.  I won't let you down.  Mum, you gave me life and I look forward to finally living it.  I am going to grab it with both hands and run with it and make the most of it.  There won't be any stopping me.  You'll see.

Oh, and thank to Daddy for listening to my lecture on why fish and chips are not good for you! xo

My gorgeous Children. Lachie, Cal, David and Charlotte.  You bring me so much joy.  You have all had to put up with a moody Mum over the past few months and I appreciate your patience.  Lach and Cal - you've kept me honest by telling me off when I'm about to put something in the trolley that I purely do out of habit.  And thank you for offering to get rid of all the left over Tim Tams in the fridge :) I am sure you had no complaints doing that.

I appreciate everyone I have in my life.  Each and every one of you play a part in this journey.  It means a lot to me to know that you're there.

I feel like I've just written some kind of acceptance speech for the most important thing that anyone can have in life - love and support.

This is probably something that I should be writing in 8 days time but, it feels right to say it now.

Aaahhh, tears.  I'm off to bed xo

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Day 91 - 10 DAYS TO GO!

There's only days until Surgery.  10 DAYS!  I have a lot of words to describe how I feel.  One word can't sum it up...

I didn't record my weigh in last week.  I weighed myself an it said that I have put on 6 kilograms.  I don't believe that this could possibly be the case as I have been doing everything right.  I felt disheartened when I read the results therefore figure that it's best to ignore it at the moment.  If I know that I'm doing the right thing, that is all that matters.  I want to be under 200 kilograms come Surgery time.  I will weigh myself on the morning of Surgery.  I know that they will weigh me at the Hospital but I should use my scales too for consistent results.  Scales are all slightly different for some reason...

It's strange preparing for the Surgery.  At work, I have to make sure that I tidy up as many loose ends as I can so that members in my team have a minimum amount to do.  I have got 2 weeks off however, if I am feeling well enough to go back after a week, that's what I intend on doing.  They say that it is quite possible to have the Surgery on a Thursday and be back to work the following Monday.  I shall play it by ear (or stomach in this case).

I have to get my things together for Hospital.  I am trying to do as much cleaning as what I can over the coming week so that I don't have a lot to worry about when I get home.  I'm even starting to work out what meal to prepare for Judy (my Mother in Law) for her to serve up to the kids when she stays on the Wednesday night that I am in Hospital.  Lots of things to organise!  I feel like I'm nesting like I did before the Kids were born!

I've still got this cough :/ I need to concentrate on getting rid of it before Surgery or else they won't operate as they won't put me under.  If it hasn't gone by Wednesday night, I'll make an appointment to see the Doctor again as I don't want something like a simple cough to stop everything from going ahead.

I got an iPhone 4 last week :) I've noticed that there are about 3 applications that you can get in regard to lap banding.  I can't wait to get one and see what it's like.  I shall keep you posted.

I'm pleased to say that my friend, Tracey had her gastric sleeve surgery last week and it went without a hitch.  I am so proud of her.  I can't wait to hear of her progress as the kilos fall off.  There is a link to her blog on my 'links' page.  She is inspiring.

I'm off to clean my pantry.  There is a stinky Onion in there.  It's awful :/

Bring on the next 10 days!

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Day 83

I had a great day today :)

It was Clinton's birthday BBQ.  I was pleased to say that I resisted the BBQ!  A bit shocked that it got cooked as it was pouring with rain when they put it on!

I spent the morning at Greensborough Plaza with the kids.  We did some shopping and had Coffee and doughnuts (well, they had the doughnuts and I had the Coffee).  It was nice to spend time with them.  David was amazed at the size of the Christmas tree (yes, Christmas tree).  It was huge!  I can't believe they've got their decorations up already.  It feels as though we've just gotten over last Christmas.

I bought myself a silver locket.  I can put 6 photos in it.  It is on the same chain as my pink angel. 



There's only 18 days to go until my Surgery.  I'm excited.  Still nervous but excited!

I'm looking forward not having to have Optifast bars for much longer :) I know I'll be on liquids afterwards.


Blah :/

Friday, October 29, 2010

Day 82 - 19 days to go!

Only 19 days to go.  It can't come quick enough. 

I've been feeling really down today.  It's hard to explain but I'll do my best.

I'm still not feeling well.  I'm on really strong antibiotics to get rid of this chest infection.  I'm taking my inner health plus and am eating my 2 bars per day (which is all I can seem to stomach at the moment).  I did have a piece of Watermelon at tea time (about a tablespoon full).  It was yum :)

I have also got a headache.

I am a whinging cow today.

I feel like I am stuck between here and there and I just want to get it over and one with so I can move on and begin the next stage of my life.  I'm not sure if this makes sense to those bandits out there...

About 3 months ago, I came off my anti depressants.  It seemed like a great idea at the time.  I was feeling fantastic (I'd been on them for just over 2 years) and I felt as though I was ready to come off them.  I was backed up by my Doctor on my decision to do so and everything was going well until a month or so ago.  I'm debating whether or not I should go back on them.

I was on them as I was diagnosed with post natal depression (I don't think you can have twins and not end up with something!) and then after I dealt with that, I remained on them until such a time I was ready to come of them.  A combination of going back to work, doing things for myself again and dealing with problems in a different way is how I did it.  It now seems that the things that I did to come off them are what is making me think I should reconsider being back on them.  I then think that I am not sure how I am going to feel in the coming months so, I think I'll wait and see.

I've had so much stuff thrown my way in the past few months that I think even if I was on them, I'd still feel a bit defeated...

I haven't lost any weight at this stage yet.  Given the fact that I'm a girl and girls have girly things every month or so hasn't helped!  That always happens to me.  I haven't put anything on which is good.  I shall just keep hanging in there until Monday for the official weigh in and then I'll have to work toward goal the week after.

I saw Dr Goldin yesterday.  He showed me the results of my 2nd sleep study (when I had the CPAP machine on).  It's amazing to see the difference that it makes.  I am pleased to say that I don't snore whilst I am on it (due to the fact that my airways are opened up) but am not noticing a lot of difference otherwise.  It may take a few weeks before I notice other things.  I am finding it hard to keep the mask on at night.  I'm still find that I wake up and discover that I have taken the mask off and turned the machine off!  I have to bring the machine in with me to Hospital.  Joy.  I am getting used to Herman (my CPAP machine) though especially seem as I've uploaded some songs onto him for my alarm in the morning. 

I'm off to bed now - I've rattled on enough.

Sorry for such a depressing blog!  It's not all roses.  It's tough and it's an emotional roller coaster ride.  Hopefully one that will not be so up and down in the coming weeks...

xo

Monday, October 25, 2010

WEEK 10 - day 78

I am SO proud of myself.  Today I have weighed in at 205.3kg.  This means that I have lost 5.0kg so far which means that I've lost 18.9kg so far.  I have done SO well and I have worked SO hard to get these results it's great to see them come out on the scales.  It has made it all worthwhile.

Today has been a bit of a challenge.  The morning and afternoon was fine.  It was the end of the day that I found hard to do.  I worked back late this afternoon and ended up missing my normal 'I've worked late train' so I had to wait for the one that didn't leave until around about 7.20 so I had a fair bit of time to kill from when I left work at around about 6.20.  I was SOOOOOO hungry.  OMG!  I only had a bar today but I did have a lot to drink.  

I went to Coles at Melbourne Central and bought a bag of Coleslaw and bought a bottle of fat free dressing and I had alf the bag on the train.  I was so pleased as I managed to pass the Sushi in Coles, the watermelon, the onion and cheese crisps, the Big M - things that I haven't craved in ages all just seemed to jump out at me.  

The only thing I did get that I perhaps shouldn't have was a tub of light cream cheese - I only had a few teaspoons.  

When I got home, I could smell the cheese toasties.  Yum.  I am not hungry (which is good) but, I SO want to have one but am not going to.  

I hate resisting the temptation but the feeling is so good when I do.  

I also contacted Dr Winnett's rooms today to speak to them about the fact that I have been vomiting and am finding it hard to keep stuff down.  I was worried that if I keep being sick, I'll get into the habit of doing so and i won't be able to stop being sick, even after the band is in.  Dr Winnett is sure that I won't have the problem after the band has been placed.  He i quite impressed with my weight loss to date.  

On another good note - I seemed to be able to keep the CPAP mask on last night.  I woke up at 5.15am to the alarm.  My nostrils are really sore so I'm using the nasal oil stuff they gave me (odorless sesame oil).  I'll see how I go on the mask tonight - hope I can keep it on again.

I don't know where the 18.9kgs have gone.  I don't care so long as they've gone!  I was a bit cross this morning when I added my weight to my weight and measurements page to see that I have actually lost the weight that I put on during weeks 5 - 7.  If I had not have put that weight on, I would be just under goal.  I am not dwelling on it.  It's just made me think and realise what things could have been.  I'm really excited about next Monday.  I'm not going to get my hopes up about being under 200kg although I am going to work hard to get there.  My scales actually read my weight out loud and to hear them say 'one hundred and ninety nine point nine kilograms' would be amazing.  I'll film it I think and put it up - it's a milestone.

Bring on the week :)

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Day 76 - gotta love Saturdays :)

I'm exhausted!  I haven't done much at all today but I am exhausted.

I had my hair done today with Mum and I think we both look quite lovely.  Afterwards, Mum drove me to Greensborough and I spent some time at Savers before Brad came to pick me up.

I made a huge pot of soup (broccoli, cauliflower, zucchini, leek, cabbage, a tiny bit of tomato paste, garlic, turnip and spinach) and I had some for dinner.  I'll put the rest away for tea over the next few nights.

I'm really pleased with myself today.  I stood on the scales and I have lost just over 3.5kg this week.  I'll record my official weigh in weight on Monday but things are looking good so far.

There's only 25 days to go until I have my surgery.  Although it would have meant that by the time it comes it would have been just on 100 days since all of 'this' started.  It will be a relief to finally get it done.  I am still a bit nervous but can't wait until the day it happens and I can't wait to wake up to my new life after the surgery.

I SO want a glass of wine!  But I won't.  I'll have some diet lime cordial instead :)

Day 75 - reality checks...

I was SO embarrassed when I got up this morning!  Look at my neck...


The marks are as a result of an allergic reaction that I've had to the tape they used to tape the wires on.  They look like hickeys!  I ended up wearing my hair in a pony tail and pulling it to one side today to cover up the biggest one that is on my right shoulder.  They are a lot darker in real life than what they are in the photo - I hope they fade soon :/

Last night I did quite well with my CPAPing.  I have named my machine Herbert.  I woke up at 4.20am and I had taken my mask off (and turned the machine off) so, I put it back on and went back to sleep.  The machine tells me how long I had been on it for and it was for 4 and a half hours (from memory). I did pretty well for my first night :) if I am compliant, a smiley face comes up in the corner on the screen after a month.  Very excited!

I got on the train this morning to go to work and as usual, I didn't get a seat.  The ticket inspector told me that there were seats in the front carriage (the one up from mine) so, when we got to the next stop, I jumped in to the next carriage to find that the seats were all the way up the other end.  I am unable to walk past the seats as I don't fit in between them.  For 10 minutes or so, I watched these 2 spare seats just well, sitting there!  I couldn't do anything.  When we arrived at the next stop, I was going to jump out and change doors however someone had already taken them.  I was distracted along the way as I felt a bit upset.  Not overly but, just a bit annoyed - yet another thing to add to my list of things I want to be able to do once I have lost weight.

I ended up going to one of my friends houses tonight.  I caught the train out to Mum's and I was going to borrow her car to drive to Loz's house.  I was extremely grateful for this because it would save me getting a taxi or asking Mum to come and pick me up.  I headed out the front door and got in the car.  I couldn't work out how to put the seat back so I called Mum and she did it for me.  I got in and realised quite quickly that I wasn't going anywhere.  I didn't fit in the drivers seat of the car.  The steering wheel did not move.  I was pretty much jammed.  Mum said she'd drive me there so she went inside and got her bag.

I started to cry.  I didn't know how else to react to the situation.  Sure, I am losing weight, I am doing things so that I am able to fit into other people's cars, I am making that change and that effort BUT it doesn't make a difference in that moment.  We ended up stopping at Maccers so I could buy my salad so I had something to eat for tea.  I also had my Cappuccino Optifast bar with me.

I had a great night at Loz's house.  It was nice to chill out and spend time with my friends.  I didn't have anything to drink as you're not allowed to do this when you're on Optifast but it was great watching them all play dodge ball on the trampoline, dance like they weren't being watched and generally doing what people who have been drinking do best - being silly!

It got to 10.50 and Loz had ran out of drinks.  As I was the only sober one there, I offered to go to the bottle shop and pick some up for her.  I had told her about the experience I had in Mum's car earlier so she lifted the steering wheel, lowered the chair, moved it back as far as it would go.  And even in her big 4wd - I STILL struggled to fit.  The steering wheel JUST moved and that was because I was sucking my tummy in.  I got the drinks and came back.  I couldn't even park her car in the garage as I wouldn't have been able to get out. 

I didn't cry about this.  I am just thankful that I had the experience with Mum's car so I knew what to expect.  I would have never thought that I've gotten so bad that I couldn't even drive someone elses car.  It was certainly a wake up call.  I still feel in some way that I am watching someone else go through this.  This can't be happening to me.  And although I know it is, it's hard to watch me go through it.  I hate it.

Anyway, I'm back at Mum's now.  I am off to bed in a minute.  I had a really good night and it was great to spend some time with my friends WITHOUT Children!  :)  I don't do it enough.  I missed them but, I need my time as well.  I forget that.

I have a few more things to add to my list of things I want to be able to do when I've lost my weight - driving other people's cars without worrying about fitting in the drivers seat is something I never thought I'd add but hey, lots of things that I didn't think would happen have on this journey.  They're all happening for a reason.  And I am grateful for the experience.  It's keeping me honest and on track.

Night all xo

Day 74

I've been CPAPed! 

I had my fitting last night and I have gone and gotten a CPAP machine.  I am hiring it for 3 months and may end up purchasing it if I need it for longer than what I think I will.  They are certainly not the cheapest pieces of equipment and I recommend shopping around - especially if you are renting.

So, last night I got wired up again...


And then they fitted the machine.  It's such a strange sensation having this air blow at you (in my case, up my nose).  I did ask if I could try a 'nasal pillows' rather than using the full mask.  The thought of having something over my face the whole night makes me feel a little claustrophobic.  Here I am with my sexy mask (a VERY attractive shot indeed...)


Much to my surprise, I managed to keep it on the whole night.  I guess I didn't really have a choice considering the Nurse would have come back in and put it on for me.  It is as uncomfortable as it looks.  I woke up feeling like I'd been punched in the nose as the cushion things go up your nose.  I think I found the wires to be more uncomfortable than the mask but in saying that, I had a good sleep - I managed 7 hours.

I ended up obtaining my prescription for the CPAP machine this morning so I went down to Priceline in Niddrie (the cheapest place I could find that also offered fantastic service) and got my machine.  They spent an hour with me talking about it and how to operate it.  I can even upload some music to it so that I can use it as my alarm in the morning!  The machine looks like a toaster.


Anyway, we'll see how I go with it tonight.  It will be interesting to see what I do with it - if I manage to leave it on the whole night or if I end up ripping it of without even knowing it! 

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Day 73 - CPAP fitting tonight :)

I phoned Western Private Hospital yesterday morning and managed to get my CPAP fitting booked for TONIGHT!  I am leaving in about 20 minutes. 

I received an Email from my specialists office with a list of people who hire out the CPAP machines (more on that tomorrow).  I was shocked to find the price difference between each place was ridiculous!  One wanted almost $200 a month to lease a machine!  That was on a 12 month contract.  At that rate, you may as well purchase a machine.

I bet I'm going to end up looking like that girl from the movie 'tank girl' tonight.  I'll make sure I take a photo and I'll post it tomorrow.

My specialist believes I may need the machine for up to 12 months.  I checked with Medibank Private and my cover will reimburse me up to $500 of the cost of a machine or the same if I hire one.  I'm happy I checked else I would have never have known.

I felt really down at work this afternoon.  I was finding it really hard to concentrate.  I left about half an hour early.  I just felt like crying.

I think that once again it's all gotten to me.  I ended up writing a few things down on the way home to keep myself from breaking down on the train. 

I've spent so much time trying to work out why I've done this to myself or why myself has done this to me.  I know that none of that makes sense but sometimes none of what I think does.  Especially when I delve into the reason I am in the 'position' that I am in.

There's no reason in placing blame on myself for where I am at the moment.  There is no sense in back tracking.  Moving forward toward my goal is the important thing.  Looking forward to the results.  Conquering each battle that comes up each day (sometimes each hour).  Believing in myself.  Working on loving myself.  Focusing on the positives.  Breaking old habits and believing that I'll succeed - not to the point where I not only convince myself that I'll succeed but I actually end up believing it.  Not sure which is the hardest part of any the above but I know that it's achievable.

I'm getting there :) every day I get a little further.

Off to dress up like tank girl and try not to analyze everything too much. 

Stay tuned for pics :)