Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Out with the old...

Aaahhh, Tuesday. It’s the day that I spend at home with the babies. They are little monsters. In the past few weeks on a Tuesday, they’ve participated in such activities as emptying the vacuum cleaner dust bag in the toilet (they were helping), drawn on themselves with texta, emptied out their drawers in their bedroom, fought about silly things – my Tuesdays are never the same! At least their TV show will give me half an hour to do something other than Housework.

We’re going to go for a walk after they’ve watched ‘Yo Gabba Gabba’. I’ll put a load of towels on ad then we’ll get into the Sunshine and walk up to the shops. They love sitting in the pram. I was thinking of detouring the park on the way there so that we don’t have to stop. We’ll go on the way back instead. It’s such a beautiful day today.

I have got SO MUCH washing to do. I am hoping I get through a fair bit of it today. If time allows, I am going to go through my Wardrobe and have a throw out. I have lots of clothes that don’t fit (they’re either too big or too small) and I really want to start a fresh. Some of the Clothes I’ll be sad to see go – there is a Purple Cardigan that I used to love wearing (I got it from a place called Igigi) but it is just s big on me now. It looks awful on me as it’s making me look bigger than what I am.  I loved that Cardigan :(

There are things that I’ll never throw out like the black pants that I have lived in for the past 8 months. I can’t wait to stand in one leg and wrap the other one around me. I also have a pair of jeans that when the button broke off because they were too small, I used a piece of Elastic to tie them together. I’ll never wear these again but they are a something I want to keep as a memory of how desperate I’d get to wear them. In all fairness, the jeans ‘broke’ when I was pregnant with the twins – it wasn’t a weight issue at that stage but, when I went to put them on after I had the twins, they didn’t fit. That was almost 3 years ago.

Some of my top are like dresses on me. They are so long. And just lilke with the black pants, I am going to have to stop wearing them soon. I have to pull my black pants up to just under my boobs as they are so long because there’s not as much tummy to cover. They are not flattering at all. I do have some smaller black pants but they feel like leggings but they make me look so much smaller. And I don’t worry about them feeling down or stepping on the bottoms of them resulting them coming down.

I also have several pairs of jeans that my friend in Sydney (Bec) sent me years ago. They have been waiting patiently in the bottom drawer to be worn. I promised her I would send her a pic of me in them – that pic is still coming, honey xo I also have a few bags of clothes that Linda has given to me and when I got them, I went through them thinking that it will be ages until I get to wear that but in fact, it’s only been a few months. I can’t believe how quickly my body has changed. So, I shall replace the old with the new and then things might start to seem a little bit more real.

I have started on the shakes again. The band is a bit too tight for normal food to go down so, I am having Tony Ferguson as there is a whole lot more variety and they make me feel quite full for a long time. Cath gave me some to try and I had the Coffee one and it was so nice. I shall have a Chocolate one today, I think.

I am wondering what I weigh… not standing on the Scales is quite annoying. It is exciting though waiting to see how well I’ve done. And I will do my measurements in a few weeks too.I can’t believe that the nightmare I was on is finally turning into a dream. It doesn’t seem real. It’s hard work but, it’s worth it. Every day is so precious. And at the moment, every day reveals new things that I didn’t notice the day before. I think I’ve said it before but, I can’t remember the last time I felt this good. Both mentally and physically. I am so proud of where I am now.

Off to put those towels on and then off for a nice walk to buy stuff for tea – for them its Vegetable Lasagne. For me it’s soup :) hope everyone is having a great day xo shall write again on Thursday after my PT Session. I want him to push me really hard this week. Shall let you know how I go.

P.S – My blog has almost had 12,000 hits. There is an average of 60 readers a day. 2 of the most popular google search words have been’ Dr Jason Winnett’ and ‘fataphobic Doctors’ :) and I even have an audience in South Africa!

P.P.S – Congratulations Nye and Brad on your Wedding :) so pleased for both of you xo

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Learning to let go

I LOVE pink Mostaco. I only discovered the pink one after I had my Surgery which is a shame as it is SO good. I wish I had have known about it prior to when I took losing weight and being healthy seriously. I would have had bottle after bottle of it then!

The last few weeks have been such a rollercoaster ride. It was this time last week I was leaning to accept the phenomenal amount of weight that I have lost. I am so proud of myself. I see Dr Winnett in just under a month. My aim is to be under 185kg by the time I see him and if I work hard, perhaps I’ll be even be under that. I can’t wait.

Last night, I spent a long tie talking to someone about my weight loss and how much it has changed my life. This person has no idea how much they weigh at the moment. I spent at least an hour talking to them about a lot of things. How they used t have emotion about how much they weighed, how they used to see how much their weight was holding them back, how uncomfortable they were within themselves.

I can say from experience that when you get to the weight that this person is or the weight that I was , you end up just accepting that it’s something that you may not be able to change so you give up. Sure, you might have a half hearted go at losing it – just like this person has since they’ve seen how I have been going since I had my surgery but , I think that they’re doing it as they feel scared of what life is going to be like once I weigh less than them. I know that this person is proud of the change that I’m going through and they verbalise it quite frequently but it’s hard watching them go in the complete opposite direction to what I’m going in. And I think they find this hard too.

I didn’t realise that this would have such an impact on my relationships. There have been both positive and negative responses. More positive than negative but, as I change physically, I am also changing emotionally. I don’t want to leave this person behind but, it’s up to them to make a change. Surgery might not be the answer for them but it was for me. And I was the only one who could make this change. It was my decision – my choice. And it has to be theirs as well. I support them in whatever they choose to do. I just can’t watch them go on killing themselves with the food choices they make. Pizza, Maccers, Red Rooster, soft drink – it’s up to them what they do but it’s hard to stand by and know how bad this stuff is for them.

I spoke to Michael (my personal trainer) about some of the people in my life who I worry about at the moment and as he said, I need to focus on myself. He is right. He is right when he says that I am the one who has made changes to benefit myself and I can’t do any more than what I have done. I need to stop feeling insecure about feeling secure. And I need to stop feeling insecure about other people’s insecurities as that is just going to rub off on me. I still care about those around me but I have to invest the positive energy into myself. When others are ready, they know I am here. It’s hard to let that part go but, I have to do it for myself and my health.

I’ve had some really hurtful things said about me about my weight (behind my back) by people whom I love and thought loved me.  I have also had people I thought loved me not say things to me.  I am not sure which is worse.  What I do know is that spending more time on me and less time worrying about the things that are impacting on me in a negative way is only going to benefit me.  People who can't celebrate in my success are only going to bring me down.

As most of you know, in the next few years, I will be publishing a book about my journey. I often think about the sorts of things that I should put in my book. I have read a lot of lap banding books and some of them are in a fantastic format. I am not sure how I want mine to be yet. I do want the raw feel about it and to include my blog entries as they are (minus the spelling and grammar and other mistakes, of course!). I also want to include the messages I’ve received from people who want to see me do well and have been encouraging me along the way. Before and after photos are a must as well. As I get further into my journey, a lot of stuff is going to start coming out. Things that I have touched on but haven’t elaborated on much. I have been thinking a lot about me and how I got to this point and this place. I have been doing a lot of work on self-discovery, letting go and accepting the things that I can’t change and working on the things that I can.

When I was speaking to my 9 year old, Callum, I said that I am in one of the best places I have ever been. Life is going along so well. Sure, it has it’s ups and downs but at east I have the energy and drive to tackle them and the want to make things better rather than just settling for what I have, I now have drive and determination to strive and work toward what I deserve.

It’s amazing what a few glasses of wine can do for the soul!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

TGTDINO! (Thank God the day is nearly over!)

Phew. So happy today is over!
 I have got so much on my mind at the moment. I have things going on at work, things going on at home and just things going on in general. Today has been a long day! Happy were nearly at the end of it!

I just got back from the Gym. I am not able to see Michael tomorrow (my personal trainer) as I have to go into work. When I left work today, I really felt the need to get rid of some excess energy. Now that I am totally better, there is nothing stopping me :) when I got the Gym, I wanted to do some boxing. I have found that boxing with Michael is fantastic It gets my heart rate up, I get to punch something and I really feel it the next day. The room that the punching bag is in was being used so, I settled for the treadmill. I set it for half an hour on the fat burner program and I pressed start and I went for it. I walked so fast and I was SO puffed. I keep the display covered with my towel so I can’t see how long I have left to go as sometimes it’s disheartening. I took the towel off when I felt like I couldn’t do a lot more. It said 2.12 minutes left. So, I bumped the speed up and I walked as fast as I could. It was almost jogging.

In the car, I took an action shot. Yes, I look quite miserable, hot and sweaty but, it’s a result of a good work out. I feel so much better now. My head is clearer and I managed to sort a lot of stuff out just by putting my head down and walking hard and fast. It was VERY therapeutic. Just what I needed. 

I was proud of myself today. I SO wanted Breadtop. SO badly. I wanted the cheese stick and the vegie toast and the naan bread. Yum. I got there and decided rather than going there, I would go and get my hair cut. Something I have been wanting to do for a while but, haven’t gotten around to. The lady could see me right away and said she’d be able to do it in 20 minutes. My hair looks great and it’s going to be so much easier to manage - especially in the mornings when I have to wash it. It should no longer take 5 minutes! Piccy below…

I have a Doctors appointment tomorrow morning as I am pretty sure I have Kidney Stones :/ I had gall stones 10 years ago and I had the same type of pain on my left hand side. It hurt a lot. I’ll go and see my Doctor before I go to work and get it sorted out. I wonder if Dr Winnett does Kidney stones? Hmmm. Shall have to find out…

I am still getting such a great response from my last blog. I am so pleased that I am able to inspire those around me. I don’t think I’ve ever been in this kind of position before where I am able to motivate people to make a difference in their lives. I am proud of everyone who has taken that step, no matter how big or small it is. I value the comments, Emails and feedback that I get and I keep each and every one. I had someone ask me some questions the other day. If you ever have anything you want to ask, feel free to shoot me an Email – movingforwardlookingforward@gmail.com I have been asked all sorts of questions so, feel free to ask away!

Relay for life is in 2 weeks! I am SO excited. I am really looking forward to it. Yes, I have given this link before but, if you can sponsor me or want to leave a message on my wall, please go to http://vic.cancercouncilfundraising.org.au/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=272741&langPref=en-CA&Referrer=direct%2fnone

It’s normally weigh day tomorrow but I have stopped weighing myself as my scales don’t match up with Dr Winnett’s and I think it’s a bit exciting waiting to see how much I am at the next appointment. I will do my measurements mid month next month though.

Hope everyone is well :)

Sunday, March 20, 2011

A wonderful weekend :)

What a wonderful weekend!

I worked yesterday. When I work on a Saturday, it’s between 9 and 4 so there are none of these horrid ‘gotta get up at 5.30’ days like I do during the week.

The Escalators were slow because it’s a Saturday so, even though I didn’t feel like it, I walked up them. I was going to go up the ones I normally go up a different set to the ones I ended up going up and they were broken :/ I did the right thing and walked up them ignoring the fact that I know there is a lift just to the left of them. By the time I got to work, I was so out of breath! It was good though.

One of the girls from work mentioned how well I am looking. I said to her ‘I’ve lost 45 kilos in the last 6 months’. It was amazing saying it out loud with pride. I can’t wait until it’s 50 and than 60! Come to think of it, when I have reached my first goal (which at this stage is 80), I would have lost 163kg.

When I got home, everyone was chaotic getting things ready for the twins birthday party which was today. I did intend on going for a walk but by the time I got the chance, it was dark!

We had a great day today. We had their birthday at a Miniature Railway in Altona. It is a gorgeous little place. We had a BBQ and the babies had their little friends there. It was wonderful to watch them enjoy themselves :) I had a piece of Watermelon. I was going to have some of the chicken but I didn’t really want to have a public vomit in case it didn’t go down properly.

We also did a pass the parcel and for the first time in I can’t remember when, I knelt down on the ground. I managed to do it for a few minutes. I didn’t struggle as much a what I used to when getting up either. It was a great feeling.

Cath took a few photos of me in them and I am actually really pleased with how I look at the moment. Yes, I have a very long way to go but I have come so far. I’ve lost 27% of what I want to lose and it’s starting to show. Here’s some pics…

Me in the purple top obviously :)

Me and my Monkey

Things are great :)

Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and has a wonderful week :)

Friday, March 18, 2011

LONG post - maybe some of it is TMI but it's been a strange 24 hours

The last 24 hours have been quite amazing.

I got my first fill (as I said yesterday) and by the evening, I realised that there was something wrong… it was WAY too tight. I jumped on www.bandingtogether.com.au (my favourite banding forum) and posted something asking for some advice. I kept vomiting and couldn’t even keep my own saliva down. It was horrible. Something I never want to go through again. EVER (but my do again some day). When I hadn’t had anything to drink that I could vomit (or eat for that matter), I would be vomiting my own saliva (maybe once every 20 minutes?).

I ended up finding Jason Winnett’s card and I phoned his pager. He phoned me back right away. He agreed that the band was too tight. He said that I could come and see him in the morning in Werribee or the other Jason in Sydnham. I said I’d go to Sydnham so that I could go straight to work from there.

He also suggested that I suck on some ice and some lozenges. I am not sure if chocolate pirate coins are a good substitute for lozenges but, they seemed to work alright (but didn’t stay down). I resigned t sucking on ice chips and sipping on watered down orange juice. I lay down in bed and just felt strange. It was like a bottle of half filled water laying on it side. I could feel the air flow up and things started to rumble. It was so uncomfortable. I ended up falling asleep but kept waking up during the night to bring up my saliva. Ick.

I got up and after getting people organised for School and Baby School, I went straight to the Doctors. I only had to wait for half an hour or so when I was called in.

‘The other Jason’ was there during my surgery. I don’t remember him (as I was totally off my head!) but he was lovely. He said that Jason Winnett had spoken to him yesterday about my appointment and how pleased he was with my results thus far. I told him that I needed some fluid removed and he got me to lay up on the bed. He said that Jason had told him how pleased he was that he got the port first go! He said sometimes they are really hard to find. We were chatting away and I heard scraping noise. It was the sound of the needle scraping along the top of the plastic of the port. Ick It was one of those noises that make you cringe - just like the Dentist drill! I didn’t even know he’d put the needle in (he used the same spot that Jason used yesterday – piccy to follow…).

The second he got it, I could feel the relief. I could feel whatever was left over in my stomach from last night (or this morning) ease. When I sat up, I could feel everything was flowing nicely again. It was a wonderful feeling! I sat back down.

He said Jason had told him how much weight I’d lost and he praised me on my efforts.   He said that yesterdays weight hadn’t been uploaded onto my file yet but I informed him that it was 197.4kg.  He said that it’s amazing how I’ve lost just over 45kg.  45kg Gone.  I asked him what he had said.  And I asked him what my weights were on the system.  I couldn’t get my head around the 45kg because as far as I am concerned, I’d only lost around about 26kg.  I asked him what my weights were on the system.

243kg on 4.8.2010. 218.0kg on 2.12.2010 and 197.4kg on the 17.3.2011.

I was in shock. I didn’t realise that when I first saw him, I was 243kg. I have lost 20 more than what I thought. This explained a lot of things. It didn’t really hit me until I got in the car.

I rang my Mum to tell her that I was okay. I told her how much I had lost and I fought back tears. I also rang Cath to find out how she was feeling and to let her know that I was okay. They were both amazed at how much I had lost.

My Car Radio doesn’t work at the moment (I need the manufacturers PIN number) so, it was just me and my thoughts. When I got on the train, I was nearly in tears. I posted my efforts on Facebook and felt so proud of myself when I got all of the congratulation messages.

By the time I got to work, I was a mess! On the verge of crying. I spoke to my Team Leader (who has been amazing over the last few months) and told her what had happened. She was impressed and listened to my whinging. I was finding it hard to describe what I was feeling. A huge part of me had gone. More than what I thought. 19% of me has gone. And 50% of that I didn’t know about. I felt as though I was mourning for the part of me that I didn’t know had gone. Even though I have the whole day to think about what I was going to write about tonight, I still don’t have the words.

I ended up going to the toilets and I sat there for my lunch break just crying. Crying about the fact that I was more than what I thought. I even referred to my blog the day I saw Dr Winnett and I said I was around about 222kg. I read the one I wrote on the 1.1.2011 where I wrote about how Dr Winnet’s scales said I was 218kg and I didn’t agree with them because mine said I was under 200kg.

I cried about being picked on at School, being picked on by random members of the public, sitting on the chair at work that is big to cater for my big butt, I cried about the fact that only until recently, I couldn’t even ‘wipe’ properly after going to the toilet. I cried about my kids, how I don’t want them to end up like this. I cried about my friends and family. Just everything came out. Stuff that I didn’t even think I’d think of again.

I cried for the person I was and the person I want to be. I cried for the person I am now. I realilsed how frightened I am of the unknown. And I am heading there quite quickly. And quicker now that I am at the gym and am concentrating on my exercise and counting every kj that goes into my mouth. I cried about all you can eat buffets. I cried about clothes. I cried about how I have now found the tool to aid my weight loss. I cried knowing that the weight that I have lost has gone. Gone for good. It will not be back. I cried for me when I was younger. I cried about the fact that I have only recently found out that people had noticed my weight but didn’t tell me. And even if they had, I wouldn’t have done anything about it anyway. It’s like a smoker – they know that it’s bad for them (I smoked for around about 12 years) but they will give up when they’re ready – it doesn’t matter what anyone says.

I came out of the toilet cubicle, washed my face and took my weekly full length photo. I shall upload that in a moment.

After my lunchtime cry, I went back and continued on with my work. I thanked the gorgeous girls around me for listening to me and being there for me by sending them a photo of Chocolates (they were virtual chocolates!). I am so lucky that I work with some wonderful, supportive people.

When I got home, I told Lachie about how much I had lost and he is very proud of me.

I have adjusted my app on my iPhone to reflect just my 3 weights that I have had at Dr Winnett’s office although the last weight matches up with my scales. My app says that I have lost 45.6kg in 226 days. I have lost an average of 1.4kg per week. I have lost 17.6kg in 3 months and 36.1kg in 6 months. This makes much more sense considering all of the changes that have happened since November.

As ‘the other Jason’ said, their scales are worth over a grand and they are collaborated once per month. Of course they’re more accurate than mine. I guess maybe I was just not wanting to believe it.

On the way home tonight, I called Dad to tell him about it and a lady standing opposite me overheard my conversation. She asked me if I had a lap band and I said yes. She said that she did as well and we spoke until we got to our stop. She said that she’s fallen off the wagon a bit. I gave her the address to my blog and also to the ‘banding together’ website. I also gave her my Email address as I’d love a gym buddy and we have a few things in common when it comes to time restraints and family life. I have forgotten her name (I am SO bad with names) but, if you’re reading this (which I hope you are), I hope after reading my blog (little or a lot), you have some motivation. Aunty Ronda was the one who helped me get back on board and I’d love to help you any way I can. As I said, it’s up to you. Only you can do it. And you can do it.

There’s my long blog for the night! I’ll continue on my journey as I was before with the knowledge that I am doing a fantastic job and from what ‘the other Jason’ says (I need to find out his proper name), I will lose another 50kg by the time the year is up. I cant wait to see how I go. I am amazed at how well I am doing. That would mean I will be 147kg. I can’t imagine it. I’d love to be under 150kg by the end of the year and knowing that’s achievable is too good to be true.

I hope everyone has a good weekend :)

Take care xo

Thursday, March 17, 2011

First fill done!

My first fill is done and dusted! Apart from the fact I think it’s too tight…

I had no idea what I was worried about!

I went in to see Dr Winnett and he was running late (as usual!). He called me in and I sat down. He asked me how I’d been going, how much I was eating, when I was hungry at night after I’d had dinner and how I was going regarding exercise.

I told him I was not excited about having a fill as though I needed one as I couldn’t feel any restriction at all.  He asked me to jump up onto the bed and I needed to lay on top of a pillow that was folded in half (this went under the arch of my back). He got some things out of his Cupboard (I didn’t want to look – I had seen enough on YouTube!) and I asked him to let me know when he was going to put the needle in. He asked me to put my hands behind my head and do a half sit up. He poked and prodded for a while and then he said something like ‘sharp sting’ and I didn’t feel a thing. Nothing. Nothing at all. I was quite shocked. Happy that it didn’t hurt but shocked!

He told me there was a total of 5ml in my band as he had put 2.5ml in at the time of my Surgery. My band takes 10ml.

I was also weighed. You may remember last time I saw him, according to my scales, I was under 200kg however, on his, I was 218 or so. He told me that today I am 197.8kg which according to his scales, I have lost 40kg since August. I am starting to think his scales may be right as he has said to me a few times that he is certain I was over the 222.9kg. I might find out exactly how much he said weighed the first time I saw him. Perhaps at that time, I was in denial. I am pleased that I have lost much weight. I can’t wait to see how I go from here.

I went out to settle my account and had a sip of water (they like to make sure everything is going through nicely) and my water didn’t go down very well. I blamed it on the fact I had a sip of my boost juice before I had the sip of the water. I had to sit for 10 minutes. The water felt as though it was going down but very slowly. Since then, I have felt a bit ‘ick’ o, I am keeping an eye on how everything goes and have been advised to call the Surgery tomorrow I I can’t keep anything down tonight. I am going to just have some soup a I think that’s all that will go down :/

Am SO PROUD of my efforts. I have worked so hard to get where I am. I am looking forward to see how I go in the coming weeks.

My next appointment with him is in 6 weeks.

Thank you everyone for your encouragement over the past few days! The lead up to today has been a bit scary!

Here is the link to my first fill... please note that before viewing this video, there is a tiny bit of blood and a big needle - keep this in mind if you are squeemish!  It's not a close up though (if that makes it eaiser to stomach - pardon the pun!).


Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Nervous about my first fill

I confess.

I am VERY nervous about tomorrow - my first fill.

I am looking forward to it as I am going to see some fantastic results afterwards and I'll get out of my 'haven't lost much weight' rut but, needles scare me therefore and because you need a needle for the fill, I am scared of the fill!  So, what does Steph do when she's nervous about a procedure of any kind?  YOU TUBE IT!




I wathced these 3 videos and I am not sure if I am less or more nervous.  Am thinking about getting some Emla Gel for the procedure... hmmm..

Shall let you know how I go :)



Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Almost better :)

After 9 days of feeling NQR, I am finally feeling almost 100%

I made it to work on Friday and my Team Leader took me off phones which meant I didn't have to do a lot of talking (other than to those around me) so that was good.  I was going to work Overtime on Saturday but didn't feel up to it but yesterday, I was there - public Holiday and all.  I was on phones for 5 and a half hours!  I didn't cough much (only when I laughed) so, its nice that I am almost feeling back to normal.

Yesterday, I even walked up the Escalators.  I walked REALLY fast.  I wasn't as puffed as what I expected I would be.  I enjoy my morning challenge.  And this was more of a challenge as they weren't going fast like they normally are (they speed them up during the busiest times) so, it took me longer to walk up them.  I was so proud of myself.  I will do it again tomorrow.  I might start timing myself to see how long I take.

I went to my Personal Training session last Thursday.  I wasn't going to go but I am so pleased that I did.  Michael was nice to me which was good and we didn't do much moving but even standing still, when you're boxing, it's very easy to get your heart rate up!  I was sweating heaps.  A mixture of hard work and not feeling great.

Relay for life isn't too far away.  I am going to go for a walk tonight as I need to get back into it.  I am really looking forward to it.  Our team reached our $1000 fundraising goal :) and one of the girls in our team, Michelle is responsible for raising half that amount.  I am so pleased for her.  She has done so well :) if you'd like to sponsor me or write something on my wall, go to http://vic.cancercouncilfundraising.org.au/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=272741&langPref=en-CA&Referrer=direct%2fnone

I have my first fill on Thursday.  Still a bit nervous about it.  Obviously because it's the first one I have had and the idea of having a needle poked into my stomach doesn't do a lot for me.  As I've said before, I am SO READY to have it done!  I want these kilos to go and after Thursday, there are no excuses at all.

This week, I am going to focus on my water consumption again.  I haven't had as much as I should have had to drink over the past week other than juice.  Back to the after for me :)

Oh, I did my measurements as well today :/

Neck - 49cm

Upper arm (left) - 42cm
Bust - 163cm (with my blue bra - this is for my info for future reference!)
Waist - 188cm
Hips - 189cm (measured around belly button - once again, for my reference!)
Thigh (left) - 82cm

Ouch :/
I hope that everyone has a wonderful week and for my friends who are still not well with this horrid flu thingy, I hope you're feeling better soon xo

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


I am sick :(
When I am sick, I am such a pain in the butt.  I am grumpy, annoying, short tempered, high maintenance and I am one of these people for whatever reason end 90% of my sentences with ‘I’m feeling so sick’.  I add that even if it’s totally off topic.  I am not even sure why I do this.  It’s not so that I can play the victim, it’s not even for pity – I think it’s just so that people are aware that I am not well.
So, today, when it’s my second and a half day off work, I am sitting here, feeling sick.  I haven’t been for a walk, I am not excited about my PT session tomorrow – I am not even sure if I should go to my PT session tomorrow.  I have no energy, no taste and no sense of smell and I am sleeping HEAPS.
This morning, to top it off, I found that my new Licence had been sent in the mail (something that I had been dreading having done and something I have been dreading arriving in the mail).  I opened it and I got annoyed at what I see.  I hate my photo.  I know that I can get it replaced in a few years (or even months if I so choose) but, it’s still the fact that I look the way I do.  I know that my look is changing as well. 
To make myself feel better, I got my last license photo (taken 10 years ago at the ripe old age of 21 in 2001) and put it below my work pass which is the middle photo (taken March 2010) and then put my new License photo on top of that.  I did feel a bit better about myself after looking at them this way.  And when I take into consideration the fact that NONE of them are good photos, that makes me feel a little bit better as well...

I also weighed myself today.  I haven’t put on nor have I lost.  This is good considering I have spent the last few days drinking juice.
I also found my big tape measure!  I am going to get my measurements up.  I know I have said this a thousand times but, it is time.  I wish I had done this at the start when I was at my heaviest.  Who would have known my tape measure would have been in my sewing box?  I would never have thougt to have started looking there…
Hope everyone is well xo

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Another .4kg kilos gone :)

Today was a very productive day.  I weighed in this morning – I weighed in at 196.2kg.  This is only  a .4kg loss.  I actually thought it was more than that until I entered it into my thingy on my iPhone (a program called ‘Target Weight’).  I am stoked at the .4kg loss.  Even though it’s not as much as what I normally loose, it’s coming up for ‘that time’ (girl’s business) for me and that always makes me bloated and this is reflected when I weigh in.
I managed to put my socks and shoes on today for the first time in I can’t remember when.  It took me some time to get my socks on (like 10 minutes) and I didn’t think I would be able to do my shoe laces up however I ended up doing them up at he gym.  I was almost in tears when I was struggling to put the socks on but I just kept on going.  My face felt so red with anger and upset.  I know that I am making changes and I know that I am doing things so that I can lose my weight but it’s just these little things that I have to overcome before I feel ‘human’ again.  I want to reclaim my life.  I have never felt so determined to do so before after getting those socks on.
I had my 2nd personal training session with Michael today.  Last week was a walk in the park compared to this week.  I walked for 4 minutes lifting dumb bells every few steps (I think they were 3kg each?  I forgot to ask).  He then got me to do 3 minutes of stepping up and down on that bloody step.  This was a bit easier this week but, I had to do it for longer and he got me to add a step into it which made me look more unco than usual as well!  It was fun though.  I then got to do some boxing which was great.  I was going to do it as hard as I could but I am happy that I didn’t due to the fact that I wouldn’t have had any energy to do the other 3 rounds of the circuit!  I really enjoyed todays session and look forward to seeing him weekly.  Even though we are limited in what we can do, he certainly knows how to keep me moving and how to make the session fast paced.  He also says some really motivating things which keeps me going. 
I was wearing a singlet top that kept riding up a little bit showing my tummy.  This is not something I enjoyed.  I said to Michael that I’d have to put on a longer top for next week so I don’t have to keep pulling it down.  Torward the end, I couldn’t give a damn that it was riding up.  I was just focussed on getting through the session.  There weren’t many people at the gym but, I am always conscious of people seeing my belly!
Afterwards, I had to fill out a new direct debit form and my arms were like jelly again!  It took me a bit to fill out the form but, I did get there eventually.  I came home, sat down and fell asleep in the chair because I was EXHUASTED!  I am really looking forward to next week.
I went for a walk tonight with the Boys.  I think I’ve mentioned before that I use ‘MiCoach’ on my iPhone to keep track of the distance, time, calories burned and average KPH.  Tonight, we ended up getting lost.  I think I was a bit too much ‘in the zone’ just walking along and I missed my turn off.  It was already starting to get dark.  I ended up using my GPS to find our way out as everything looks different when it’s PITCH BLACK!  I am happy that we missed our turn as we got to pat some dogs (one of them a Pug!).  This made my night.  We walked 2.8km in 44 minutes.  I averaged a kilometre every 15.02 minutes.  I am pretty pleased with this.
Today my Bathers arrived.  Trish found some really nice Bathers on Ebay and I bought a pair after seeing how good hers looked.  I haven’t yet tried them on but it’s good that I have them there ready for when I want to use them.  I shall do so within the next week.  I was planning on doing the aqua class at the Gym last week but this never eventuated as I would have ended up swimming in some really heavy shorts and a T-Shirt.  I’ll still wear a T-Shirt over the bathers but they’ll be a lot lighter than the alternative.
I also had to lay some items of clothing to rest the other day.  My Undies.  Sigh.  They no longer fit me.  They are VERY loose and looked like nappies and they kept falling down.  I ended up buying some new ones from Ebay (another Trishy find!) and they are SO comfy.  They come in gorgeous patterns and I feel great when I wear them.  I haven’t been able to get anything than white, black or pastel coloured undies for years.  I was able to get some stripy ones, some champagne glass ones, some red ones and some hot pink ones.  It’s nice to finally have some variety :) I am going to have to go Bra hunting as well in the next few weeks as these ones are starting to get too loose.
I was SO proud of myself yesterday.  I work in Melbourne Central and the train station is underground.  Platforms 3 and 4 are under platform 1 and 2 and my train stops on Platform 4 which means there are 2 levels that the really long escalator passes.  On Wednesday, I got on the Escalator and stared walking.   Rule of thumb with the Escalators in the City – if you are planning on just standing and going for the ride, stand on the left.  If you are planning on walking up them, stay on your right.  I stayed on the right and started walking.  I was the first one on them which I was rather pleased with so I wouldn’t have to worry about having to push past people as I walked up.  2 people walked past me and they quickly realised that I was walking quicker than them so they stood to the left and let me past.  When I go to the top, I kept up my pace as I walked to get my morning Coffee and as I was waiting, I felt short of breath.  I was SO PROUD of myself for walking up them.  I did the same when I had to change platforms at North Melbourne station – I walked up them.  I don’t walk down them as I have the fear of tripping and falling but up is something I can do :)
So, I’m off to bed early tonight.  I really feel like I accomplished a lot today.  I am happy that I went for my walk tonight and I will do the same tomorrow night.  So long as I stay in the swing of it, it shouldn’t be too hard to keep going.
Another plug for my 'relay for life' mission.  Please visit here if you can sponsor me.  Even $5 goes a long way.  Anything over $2 is tax deductable and you do get a receipt Emailed through to your nominated Email address.  Even stop by just to write a message of support to keep me going :)