Sunday, March 25, 2012

Finding myself again

It's late (1.30am on the 25th of March) and about half an hour ago, I got home from Karaoke.  I wanted to write this now rather than in the morning...

I was trying to work out when the last time I went to Karaoke was and I nailed it down ot when my friend Amelia was pregant with her Son, Samuel who starts School next year. 5 or 6 Karoke was one of the thigns on the top of my list if you asked me what I enjoyed doing but slowly, I ended up curling up and not going.  There were a few reasons - depression being the main one when you can't even remember what you enjoyed doing and wouldn't even have the motivation, energy or interest to go if you could remember.  Lack of time - being a Mum of 4 isn't a walk in the 'I have lots of time park'.  It's tough work and you hardly ever find enough time for all of them let alone yourself.  But as the years have gone by, so have my interests. 

Tonight I decided it was time to go out.  I haven't been out since December when Trishy and I got our hair done together.  The time before that was when it was my friend Lucy's birthday party and I came home on the train and got home before 9 due to my family commitments. 

I made a decision to go to Karaoke.  I was a bit nervous.  I sent a message to my friend, Terral and asked her if she'd like to come along (she's just up the road from the venue) and she said yes.  I had a shower, got dressed and felt like I was a 14 year old going out late for the first time!  I was so excited! 

I went to the Venue where I met Terral.  After we spoke for some time, I finally got up and sung my frist song.  It was 'Mr Jones' by the Counting Crows - one that I used to sing all the time.  One that is as comfortable as your old trackies or a daggy jumper that you wear.  But I was shaking like a leaf and kept forgetting the words.  I was so nervous.  And although I have heard the song over and over again, singing things like 'man I wish I was beautiful' and things like that made me feel rather self concious.

After I got off the stage, I was still shaking but was happy to go up again.  I sung another song that I used to sing which is 'better man' by Pearl Jam.  And I was fine this time.  I got most of the notes and felt amazing after I got off the stage.  I started to write a list of the songs that I like singing.  I looked through my iPhone to find the things that I enjoy singing in the car.  And by the time I'd finished, I had about 30 songs written down.  I'll keep them for next time.

Tonight was not just about getting up and singing some songs and watching others have a good time, it was about rediscovering who I am.  I have absorbed myself in some destructive things over the past few years such as eating, gambling, not finishing things I've started, friendships that I'd never normally develop as I was not myself, procrastinating, placing blame on others for my short comings - lots of things but I'm not here to beat myself up about it, I suppose more to lay it on the table and look at it for what it was.  And now look at it for what it is.

I have a fantastic life ahead of me.  A new journey.  So many doors to open.  Doors that I used to open over and over again without realising that one day I'd struggle to get through but now (not because of size, by the way!) but because I was too scared to open them.

It's a strange feeling coming out of my shell.  And for those who know me personally, I'm not a very shy girl but I have certainly got a lot of walls to knock down.  And I'll do it slowly.  Just as slowly as they went up.

I have so much to give back to myself and so many things that I want to do with my life.  I am so happy that I am finally able to have the courage to have the life I deserve.  And I'm hapy that it's happened early enough in life for me to truly enjoy it.

I hope al of the above makes sense.  To me it does.  And I hope it does to you too.  I'm not sure if any of how I am feeling can ever be portrayed in words but, if you could feel how excited and motivated I am right now and compre it to the person I was a year ago - more so 2 years ago, you wouldn't know me.  How could you as I am only just getting to know myself.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Back in the game :)

I saw Dr Winnett today.  He was so pleased with my progress.  My cuts have healed so well.  He was very pleased.  He gave me the green light to start exercising again - anything other than weights and core work.  And he said I am able to go swimming so that is exactly what I did.

I swam 400 meters and ended up stopping as my belly button started to hurt a bit.  I need to make sure I go slowly with this as I don't want to end up injured.  I am going to go back to the Gym again tomorrow.  I didn't do any walking or anything today as I couldn't find any of my runners ANYWHERE.  And given the fact I have 5 pairs, I am a bit worried!  I shall have a look again tonight so I can get on the treadmill and give it my best shot!

I also forgot to announce that I am the proud 'Grand Mother' of Kittens :) my Cat Dora gave birth to 3 Kittens on the weekend.  She is so clever and I am so proud of her.  She has been wonderful and has let me help with almost everything.  I am the only one in the house she doesn't hiss at :) she had 2 girls and 1 boy.  I look forward to finding them good homes in the next 10 weeks and I'm happy that is looking like it's sorted out.  It's going to be a busy few months but I am looking forward to it.

Dr Winnett is happy for me to go back to work on Monday so long as I am not sore.  He said the blood clot on my inner elbow should settle down soon.  We also spoke about tummy tucks :) I am going to have one when I am down to 100kg.  I hope that I can get down to that by this time next year.  I have big goals in sight.  I am sure I can reach them.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

11 days post Surgery... 11.4kg down :)

I've been asked by a few people now how I am... didn't realise it had been that long since I blogged!

I'm off any kind of pain killers now to do with my surgery directly.  The cuts are healing up well and they're all uncovered and have been for about a week now.  The only one that I do have my eye on is the incision near my belly button.  I had much more trouble with it last time than what I have this time which must come down the fact that I have lost so much weight.  The worst thing I have to deal with has been the lump/clot on the inside of my elbow which is still there.

Since surgery, I have lost 11.4kg.  I haven't been doing any exercise but that will change tomorrow as I feel up to going for a walk.  I am actually thiniking about going back to the gym tomorrow but I think a walk around in the fresh air would do me good. 

The hardest thing this time around with my surgery has been the eating.  I think I mentioned that in my last blog.  It's been difficult to stay diciplined and only eat (or drink) liquids but I look forward to Thursday when I am able to have pureed foods!  I'm looking forward to it.

Here is a list of the sorts of foods I've been having - I've had to think out of the square at times
- V8 Juice (liquid or frozen)
- Ribeena
- Jelly (diet)
- SPC fruit sorbet
- Sustagen gold (Optifast and I don't gel anymore!)
- 'Musashi' Slim shake products (there's only 683kj or 163cal) in each shake
- Soups (home made are the best but I have had a few cup of soups here and there)
- Runny dips (these have kept me going especially when I have needed a strong taste)
- Chocolate (this melts!)
- Water (not as much as I should have)
- Herbal tea
- Milo
- Frozen yogurt
- Snow cones with diet cordial

I still can't recommend the Knife, fork and band book as the best book out there for bandits from Optifast stage right through to when you get back onto normal food. 

I have had to think of things that I can chew as you get sick of not eating things and stuff does become very boring.  I've also found that I have a sore tummy due to the fact that I am not eating anything solid.  I am on medication to make things a little more 'comfortable' (if that makes sense!).

I am enjoying this second chance.  Although I did everything right with my first band, I am finding this very beneficial.  It's forced me back into a routine and has helped me get rid of that weight that has been sitting there since I had my fill removed late last year when the problems with my band started to emerge.

I haven't been hungry at all.  I have actualy had to remember to eat which has sometimes been a bit of a challenge. 

Looking forward to seeing Dr Winnett on Thursday and am looking forward to returning to work next Monday.  It's been a long few weeks - especially the ones when I was in pain.  Happy that is behind me.

Over the next few days, I'll be updating my blog's tabs as I think some of the links are out of date.  If you think of anything you'd like to see or would find helpful, let me know.  Also, if you are a follower of my blog and you have your own weight loss blog that you'd like me to add to my list of blogs, feel free to post it as a comment and I'll put it up :)

Hope everyone is well :)

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Still sore but I'm getting there...

I am really sore.  I have really bad shoulder tip pain and I didn't have this last time that I had surgery.  It is awful.  I have had it for days now.  It doesn't come and go - it's always there in one way or another but the pain does increase and decrease.  I don't even have to be doing anything for it to do that.

 I phoned Dr Winnett's rooms this morning and she said to me to try some Peppermint Tea.  I have had 2 cups of it and the first cup made me hiccup.  Hiccupping hurts SO MUCH.  I was in tears.  The second cup made it worse.  I have also had some degas which was also suggested and that has done nothing.

I went to see my Doctor this afternoon and he prescribed me some more pain killers and some more anti biotics.

My wounds have healed up really well except for the fact that I end up with red welts all around the outside of them due to the dressings that have been used there.  I have been prescribed some cream as they are rather nasty.  For some reason, no sticky stuff likes me!

I am so happy the Surgey is over though.  Had I have not been experiencing these things, I'd probably consider going back to work tomorrow but I don't want to sit there and not be able to get comfortable.  At least at home I have the luxuary of picking the bed or the couch or a stool to sit on and I can have a shower if need be which seems to help more than tea or degas for the pain at the moment. 

I started reading 'eating in the light of the moon' last night.  I got through the first few pages before I fell asleep from being exhausted (I was up until 2am this morning because of the pain).  The start of it is very well written.  I look forward to reading some more of it this evening.

I tried going for a small walk this afternoon but didn't have much luck!  I was sore after it - mainly due to the shoulder tip pain but other than that, I am doing well for not even a week after Surgery.  I have been writing my weight down each morning and am dropping almost a kilo a day!  It has been lovely.  I can't wait to see the numbers when I'm up and exercising.  I am really looking forward to saying goodbye to this last lot of weight.  There isn't a lot that is going to stop me.

I am also undertaking quite a huge physical task in July.  I shall write more about it in the next few weeks once all the details have been finalised.  I am very excited.  It's bigger than anything I have ever done and even bigger than what I'd dare to dream.  It was all my Sister's idea and I am lucky she asked me to come along for the ride.  Watch this space :)

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Day 2 post Surgery

Today I'm day 2 post Surgery and I'm feeling pretty good. 

I have kept up with my pain killers and have made sure that I don't get too sore.  I didn't have the best sleep last night - I kept tossing and turning as I was trying to stay on my back - a position I don't like sleeping in.  I ended up working out a way that I could roll over onto my side and be comfortable with the assistance of pillows.

My cuts aren't that sore.  It's more so my shoulder.  I have had heat packs on and off.  I've had 3 showers today to get rid of the pain.  The Twins have resisted the temptation of jumping on me too which is good as it would hurt!

I haven't slept all day - I have spent most of the day in bed under the doona reading.  It's been perfect Weather to do so :) I have become a Kindle addict.  One of my friends, Chantal tried to convince me to buy a Kindle ages ago when I was whinging about the fact that I couldn't fit all of my books on the shelf.  I have been scouring Amazon for some free titles and have found few.  I am currently reading Picture Perfect by Jodi Picoult.  I have read a lot of her books and haven't had the chance to sit down and actually read it at the pace in which most of her novels should be read (not being able to put it down!).  I don't know how I managed to live my life before I got my iPad2!  It has opened up a whole new world to me!  And has helped me fulfill my book fetish.  I can get as many books as I want and they're all free (although I do admit to buying 1 or 2).  I wouldn't have considered reading some of the ones that I have downloaded but I have really enjoyed them.

I made some soups today and have put them in the freezer for dinner.  I will make another few tomorrow as well.  I made curried pumpkin and red lentils as well as potato and leek.  They are so nice.  I have just sealed them up in freezer bags and put them in the freezer.  I have around 9 in there which will keep me going for a while but seem as I am on the fluids for 2 weeks, I'd like to make sure I have more in there.  Tomorrow, I'll be having a drinking yogurt for Breakfast, a strawberry smoothie for lunch and some minestrone soup for dinner.  I am using the Knife, Fork and Band book to get my recipes out of and know that I won't get bored until the end.

My tummy has been growling a lot.  I forgot to ask Dr Winnett if he put in any fluid when he put the new band in.  I think that he did but I can't be 100% sure.  I'd love to see if I can go back to work on Wednesday.  I'll have to see how I go.

I think one of the hardest things for me during this has been not eating food.  Before I was banded the last time, I was used to not eating food as I had been doing the Optifast for so long but now, I have gone from being able to eat normal things one day to not being able to eat normal foods the next.  I am not hungry but I have to remind myself that no, I can't try that piece of meat from the casserole or eat the rice to see if it's cooked.  Little things like that.  I am sure I'll get used to it over the next few days.

Once again, thank you all for the messages over the past few days.  It's appreciated.  I'll put some photos up of my surgery when I get them.  I forgot to get them from the Hospital so I'll ask them to send them to me.  I'll also put some photos of my battle scars when I change the dressings tomorrow but this will be marked with a warning as I know my Mother couldn't think of anything worse!

I'm going to go and watch a movie now.  I could get used to this 'no doing anything' but know that it won't last for long!

Friday, March 2, 2012

Banded (take 2)

Yesterday I went in for my lap band to be replaced.

It wouldn't be me going somewhere if I wasn't running late.  I was almost half an hour late but this didn't effect were I was placed on the list as Dr Winnett was running a little bit late as well. 

I met my anesthetist to being with.  I had a different one this time.  His name is Leo and he was quite nice.  He asked me if I had any questions  and considering I've had about 20 general anaesthetics, the only thing that I did raise was the fact that I vomit after an anesthetic.

I was measured up for some TED stockings.  This was fantastic as this time they actually had some that fit me whereas last time they didn't.  I even managed to get into some thigh high ones.  This is when I realised how much weight I had lost. 

I had to put a Hospital gown on and was also presented with some disposable underwear which I didn't even bother trying on.  They looked more like a hat than undies!  I was then taken into a holding bay where I waited for about 45 minutes.  I was busy texting and Emailing.  It was a fantastic distraction chatting to Trishy xo I also Emailed Mum just telling her that I loved her (she already knew) but, I wanted her to know.

It was 4pm when I was wheeled into the Theatre.  I've got pin pricks up and down my arm from where Leo was trying to put the needle in (8, to be exact).  That was nut fun.  After that, they put the Oxygen on me and then the gas and then I fell off to sleep.

When I woke up, I was sweating and vomiting.  It was about 8.30pm.  I felt awful.  I had the shakes and was in pain and was quite disorientated.  Eventually, I got myself to a point where I feel comfortable.  I think it was when they were rounding up 5 people to put me on a hover board so I could change beds.  I didn't want anyone to have to lift me so, I happily slid.across and was then bought to my room.  I still had nasal prongs in as my Oxygen level was quite low and I had a really croaky voice.  I also had terrible shoulder tip pain.  I asked for a heat pack and I had it changed over for several hours until the pain went.

I got up pretty much right away.  I remember that is one thing that helped me was moving as much as possible.  Sure, it ached a little bit but if you can keep your chest clear and your legs moving, you will recover a lot quicker. 

I got hardly any sleep last night as I was being woken up every half an hour for obs.  I had my own room so at least it was a bit quiet when I was able to get sleep.

Jason came around this morning at 6.30am with the 'other Jason' who assisted in the operation.  Jason said that everything went fine and that I had a medium pouch.  Everything has been fixed up, including the hiatus hernia that they first discovered when I was 20..

I had a barium swallow this morning.  It was revolting as I hadn't had anything since 10pm on Wednesday night.  They (the barium swallows) are never nice but, after fasting and having one first thing was not the highlight of my day!  Everything looked fine with my band and I was discharged at around 1pm. 

It is great to be home.  I am sitting in my recliner, I have fallen asleep about 6 times since I started this as the pain killers I am on are really strong.  I am going to have some soup for dinner - I'll be using my 'knfie, fork and band' book which is what I used first time that I had surgery.  I highly recommend this book to anyone who is at any stage of their lap banding journey.  It covers from Opti Fast through to normal foods and it is full of variety and also has menus so you never get stuck when you are trying to think of something to Cook. There are a few sites that you can get it from but the price doesn't differ all that much.  To have a look at it, check out by going to

So, it's now time to recover and start off slowly again.  I am going to read 'The Lapband Solution' by Paul O'Brien again as well to remind myself of what I should and shouldn't be doing.  You have to be so careful during the first stage.  If you are wanting to check out his book, there are 2 versions of it - the first version and then the revised and updated version which also comes with a DVD.  You can check it out here...

Thank you all for the messages of support that I have received over the past few days.  It's a lovely feeling to know that there are so many people looking out for you. 

So, here's to the next stage of my journey :)