Saturday, April 14, 2012

My first appointment with Natasha (and nudie beaches!)

I've had an amazing week :) I sit here feeling content, excited and looking forward to the coming months (and a bit icky and hung over and sorry for myself!).

It's no secret that I haven't been totally on track.  I've had a few ups and downs in the past few months and I admit it - I haven't weighed myself for a few weeks now.  I really don't want to know!  I don't think I've put anything on but if I have, it hasn't been too much.  I've been doing a wonderful job this week though in lead up to my fill - I need to make sure that it's not too much of a shock to the system when I can't eat things like chicken in a few weeks time!

I also am still trying to work out the battle of the Band Vs Alcohol - can anyone give me the answer to this to save me feeling worse than what I intended?  Last night, I had a some drinks (not several but more than a few) and I was rather tiddly.  Then I went to slightly drunk.  Then I think I balanced on tiddly for a while.  I was talking on the phone for several hours and at at around 1.30, I went to sleep feeling a bit more 'with it' but this afternoon, I have felt icky.  And although I hardly drank enough to be drunk, some of the drunk traits certainly have shone through!  One of them being my new found interest in nudie beaches (don't ask - you had to be there!).

Today I saw Natasha for the first time.  She is a psychologist whose main interest is in dealing with people who have had lap band surgery.  I've been writing a lot about finding myself and how I don't know myself at the moment.  I hope that during my sessions with Natasha, I am able to work with her to guide me through the process of working out why I got to my heaviest in the first place and move forward to enable to me to build a healthy relationship with not just those around me but more importantly, myself.  I spent an hour and a half with her today.  I will see her every week for a few months and see how it pans out.

I don't mind me.  I think I'm an okay person :) I am caring, kind, thoughtful, loving, giving, helpful, genuine, upfront - I am sure that these traits shine through to those who know me and also to those who don't.  But it's time that I ensured these qualities available to myself, not just others around me.  I have to keep reminding myself that I deserve this.  Not just remind myself of that fact but also believe it too.

It's almost like my life is on a chalk board - I have things written here and there and I have been erasing parts or putting in them in a different area to deal with later (yes - over analyzing at it's best).  I feel good about how it's looking at the moment and have managed to realize that if someone makes you ore miserable than happy, it doesn't matter how much you love them, you need to let them go or at least create that distance.

I have been feeling a lot more confident over the past few months.  I've been finding several ways to express myself and put myself out there so that I step out of that comfort zone.  Sure, it's scary but the rewards have been well worth the effort :) even things like applying for jobs (internally) have been things that I wouldn't have done 18 months ago.  Cross your fingers for me - I am waiting to hear back about one that I REALLY want.

Life's good :)

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Until we meet again xo

9 years ago, I commenced working for the Child Support Agency.  There were 16 of us in our training group.  I was lucky hat one of he girls who was in the training group with me was also someone I met at the initial interview so I sat next to her.  I scanned the room to see who else was in the training group and one of those people was Janelle.  She was so beautiful.

We did some ice breakers and I discovered that she lived a few suburbs away from me, as did one other girl and for the next 8 weeks, we all caught the train home together.  Janelle was busy organising her Wedding to her Fiance, Brett.  She'd just moved to a beautiful new house and she was so smart, funny and intelligent. 

We worked in the same team together and we had a lot of fun.  I remember measuring our butts against our cupboards to see how big they were, unjamming the printer when she was printing up her wedding invite envelopes, morning Coffee's at Calvin's Coffee Shop and when she undertook the task of making homemade Sushi for what seemed to be he whole site.

I remember her Wedding, her Olympic themed dress up party, when she told me she was pregnant with her Daughter Keirra and also when she moved away to Queensland.  I remember when she would Email me about all of the adventures she was having and I'd watch Keirra grow up on Facebook.  I was delighted when she told me she was pregnant again (actually, I had a dream about her being pregnant and I rang her and she told me she was - me and my freaky pregnancy dreams) and I was so excited when she told me that she'd given birth to baby Ethan.

I remember one day she sent me an SMS saying she wanted to talk to me about something.  I thought it must be important and hoped that Ethan was okay as it was shortly after he was born.  She said she'd call me later that night as she had an appointment to attend.  I remember the call well.  She told me that Ethan was fine but informed me that she had been told she had Cancer.  This was 3 years ago, probably to the day that I got that call.

I couldn't believe that the healthiest girl that I knew had been diagnosed with such a terrible disease.  I was shocked.  Mortified.  Stunned.  Angry.  This girl who was so fit, inside and out couldn't have such a thing.  Even when I try to digest it now, it's difficult.

Over the past 3 years, I have watched Janelle take on Cancer.  She moved back to Melbourne to be closer to her friends and family.  She has done everything she can from modern medicine to alternative medicine to beat it.  I doubt there is anything out there that she didn't try.  I have been amazed at her courage, her strength, her attitude and how she refused to give up.  Her Husband, Brett has been so supportive and so strong with her.  Beating the Cancer became a full time job and just when I spoke to him yesterday to organise a time to come over to have Coffee this afternoon so I could see Nelly.  I warned him that the Kids would be on a sugar high as I was going to get them some Easter Eggs on the way.

I had the day off work today as I had a really bad headache and slight hay fever.  When I woke up, I had a voice message from one of my friends who also knows Janelle asking her to phone me as soon as I could.  I gave myself a minute to wake up before calling her and she told me the news.  Janelle had passed away earlier today.

Even as I write this, I can't believe it.  I have had a cry.  I have eaten ice cream.  I feel so flat. 

Janelle is one of these people who didn't see people for what they looked like or what she'd heard about them on the grape vine.  She looked into you, not at you.  And I normally feel intimidated by someone who is as beautiful as her but she never made me feel any less than as beautiful as what she was.  I've never met someone like that before.  She was so glamorous but never vain.  Even over the past few days, she's looked stunning.

I have watched her over the past few months change physically as the cancer has taken hold but I have ignored all of that.  I have always just looked at her beautiful blue eyes as they haven't changed.

She was taken too soon but lived her life to the fullest.  She has a wonderful Husband, beautiful Children, a lovely family and loyal friends. 

I am blessed to have had her in my life.  And I like to know that the last memory she would have had of me was that I was coming over for a Coffee and to have some laughs and a big cuddle.

Although it hasn't been updated for a while as Brett has been so busy, the address for her blog is

I hate Cancer.  I hate it how it takes people away.  I don't understand it's selection criteria or what you can do to avoid it.  I hate it.  I think it's shit.  I will continue to raise money for cancer research. I will continue to help find a cure.  I'll do whatever I can to make sure that I know I've done my bit so people don't have to go through this. 

I love you, Nelly xo