Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Day 23 - the dotted line has been signed!

I had my appointment with Dr Winnett today.  I wasn't nervous until I walked in and he asked me if I'd read the book that was given to me when I first came to see him ('the lap band solution').  I said yes, I had and I also let him know of all the other books that I'd purchased and read along the way.  I literally have my own lap band library.  I don't think that there are many books left out there for me to read! 

We spoke a little more about the process.  Brad was there with me (along with the Twins) and he asked if I had any more questions.  He enquired how I'd been going on the Optifast.  I told him that I'd had a few hiccups along the way and that I hadn't always stuck to the program but he seemed impressed with my 6 kilogram loss.  He then asked if I had decided if I was going to go ahead with the surgery and I answered yes so, I signed the dotted line and that was that!  He said that the next time he'd see me would be on the 6th of October. 

I need to chase up when the sleep study is as if I have sleep apnoea (which Dr Goldin and Dr Winnett are quite sure I do), I will need to wear a mask at night before the surgery to ensure that I can breathe to the best of my ability which will ensure a quicker recovery and a safer procedure.  I'm pretty sure that I'll be going in for that on Friday (this one coming).

I did have one question to ask him that I couldn't find and answer for in any book and that was what the most dangerous part of the whole process is going to be for me at my weight.  He said the surgery.  I am going to be under for around 4 and a half hours. 

It then hit me how important it is that I stick to my Optifast and don't screw up.  Sure, things are going to happen and I need to deal with them in the best way I know how but, getting myself as healthy as possible for surgery is my priority.  I've had some very stressful things happen to me in the past 2 weeks and I am pleased with how I have managed them but at the same time, I KNOW that I now need to manage them better to make sure that I am in the best condition possible to be operated on.

Putting everything else aside that's made me stressed over the past few weeks, I feel quite calm about the whole thing but at the same time quite nervous.  Dr Winnett said he'd be a bit worried if there wasn't a touch of nerves as it would mean I didn't realise how serious this was.

Tonight for dinner, I STILL feel like having Indian (this is something that came up weeks ago).  I thought 'maybe I could just have it and tomorrow I'll be on track'.  instead, I went down to Coles and bought myself my leafy greens, came home, mixed up my Optislim shake, drank 750ml of water and sat down to eat (and type!).  I feel as though I've found the momentum I needed to keep going and going hard.

I know that my blog has been a mixture of up and downs over the past week or so.  It's been hard to write some of it because it's hard to admit that I am not perfect but at the start, I said that at times my journey wouldn't be the prettiest to read but at least it's real and that's what I'm aiming for.  In 6 months time - maybe even 6 weeks, to read back through this will be surreal.  I look forward to the moment.

So, at 12.30 on the 6th of October, I'll rock up to the Hosptial and by the end of the day I'll be a bandit!  It's all starting to come together.  And slowly starting to sink in.

Now only if I get these migraines to go away, I'd be happy :)

Temptations resisted today - INDIAN!  oh, and I've also felt like KFC all day!  Not sure why...

WEEK 4 - Day 22

1.1 kilograms lost this week - 5.9 kilograms in total!  I'm quite pleased BUT I know that I can do better.

Today was quite good.  I'm still getting through with this migraine.  I'm drinking just a bit over 2 litres of water as I know that helps.  I also spent the day in bed to catch up on lost sleep over the past 4 nights or so.  It was so nice to wake up feeling refreshed.

I have an appointment with Dr Winnett tomorrow.  I am trying to think of some questions to ask him - I can't think that I have anything to ask as I have done so much reading.  I am sure I'll think of something to ask when I get there.

This week I intend on going to the gym more.  I'd like to do at least half an hour each day.  This is really going to help the weight come off for my weigh in on Monday next week.  What's the saying - no pain, no gain.  I'm aiming for some pain. 

I'm looking forward to what this week brings.  I'm hoping that it's not so stressful for starters!

I hope everyone is well xoxo

Day 21 - I love Sundays :)

Last night was fantastic.  I had such a great night.  Despite the fact that there was fried rice, mini spring rolls, dim sims, chicken with cashew nuts and vegetables, chips, salads, pavlova, jelly, WINE - I didn't eat a thing.  I even forgot to bring my shake with me because I was running late!  I was so proud of myself.  I wasn't even tempted to eat anything (and to be honest - I didn't even look at any of the food in the buffet just to make sure that I didn't have a visual as well as the smell!).

Today I spent the day cleaning.  I still have my migraine.  I'll see my neurologist next week about what to do.  It's horrible.

I also spent some time singing.  Last night, I sung so much and I forgot how much I enjoyed it and how good it made me feel.  So, I plugged in the MP3 player and did some singing (it really makes my dog upset as she doesn't like my singing voice) but, Lachlan thought it was rather amusing so he took some photos of me.  Seriously, I rock :)


I think that I've forgotten how to have fun and this weekend certainly showed me that I can still enjoy myself but I haven't let myself do so for a long time because I simply don't like me.  That's slowly starting to change.  And I think it's about time.

Things are going to get better :) I can feel it... and I'm working hard to make it happen.  And that's the best part.  That I'm starting to invest time into me again.  Something I haven't done (or wanted to do) for a very long time.

Day 20

I'm writing my post at an unusual time today. 

Trish is having her birthday celebration tonight :) she's having it at 'The Dragonfly' in Tullamarine.  I've never been there before but, it's an all you can eat Chinese buffet.  YUM!  There's also going to be a band performing - 'Bryan Jovi' which is a cover band (obviously) who perform Bryan Adams and Bon Jovi songs.  I'm really looking forward to it.

I'm not so worried about being around the food.  I'll bring my shake and I'll drink plenty of water.  It's a matter of planning.  It's not going to be easy, I admit that but I can't let food get in the way of me succeeding.  Nor can I let it get in the way of me spending time with my friends xo

Tomorrows list of temptations resisted will probably have the whole list of things that were included at the buffet!

Wish me luck :)

Monday, August 30, 2010

Day 19 - aaahhh, Friday

Today was quite a strange day.  I've still got the migraine but, I have to keep going and keep things on track.

One thing that I have had to do is write my will.  The chances of death when having any kind of surgery is always there.  Having lap band, the death rate is 1 in 2000.  The number of death increases according to your weight.  I haven't asked what the chances are for me.  I'm staying positive but also sensible by making sure things like my will are updated.

It was quite strange writing it.  Thinking about things that you wouldn't normally have to think about.  I did it online which was great as it was so easy to complete.  Things that I never would have thought about like requesting that people donate money to a charity instead of sending flowers.  What sort of music I want played.  Where I want my ashes scattered.  If I want to be turned into ashes.  What gifts I leave to members of my family. 

I'm not wanting to spend a lot of time thinking about what could happen if it's not going to but, I'm going to write some letters and put them away so that just in case anything does, these can be given to who they belong to.  Or I might do a video letter rather than a written one.  That would mean I could do it quicker and my wrist won't get sore from writing so much!

Some things that I wasn't able to put in is that I'd prefer that people don't wear all black to my funeral.  That to me is quite depressing and I don't want it to be that way.  I'd love a series of photos shown.  Whilst going through some photos to put on my blog, I've discovered that even though I hate having my photo taken, I've managed to have some fantastic moments in my life captured.  I'd love them shown whilst some music is played.  'Time of your life' by Greenday is the song that I've always wanted played at my Funeral.  From the moment I heard it, it meant so much to me and still does.  The other song I want played is 'somewhere over the rainbow' sung by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole.

It's strange having to think about these sorts of things but it's important.  At least it's done now.  I just need to get it signed and it's official. 

Just another step closer to surgery.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Day 18 - SO many appointments! And lots to say!

Today was quite an exciting day (this may be a long entry...).

I had my appointment with Dr Jeremy Goldin.  He is a Physician.  It is important that I see him prior to my surgery to ensure that I am breathing well, I am not suffering any undiagnosed conditions such as sleep apnoea and that my lung and heart function is all good.

First up was a breathing test.  I had to put this big thing in my mouth and take a normal breath in and then a normal breath out.  Then I had to breathe in as quick as I could and then exhale as fast as I could for as long as possible.  I had to do this a number of times.  Considering I'm still getting over this chest infection, I did quite well!  My lung function is normal.  I coughed after every series of breaths and laughed because I was getting a head spin but it's nice to have a big tick next to something!

I then met Dr Goldin.  He went over the questionnaire that I filled out.  We spoke about how many general anesthetics I have had, if I'd had any problems with them, when my last one was, what weight I was when I had my last general anesthetic - lots of questions.  We spoke about the fact that I snore and I often stop breathing in my sleep (something that i have been aware of for some time) and he has requested that I have a sleep study.  I'll need to spend the night at Western Private and I'll have some things wired to me whilst I sleep and someone will monitor my movements.  Lets hope I don't say anything embarrassing as I often talk in my sleep!

I then had an ECG which came up normal.  At this point, i had been at the clinic for around about an hour and it was during the time when I was having the ECG that I felt as though I was about to cry.  I think it's because I still have a migraine from yesterday and I am feeling quite fragile but, it all came to a head.  It was then and there that I realised what I am going to do in 5 and a half weeks.  And I felt scared.

After my ECG, I had an ultrasound of my heart.  This part is hard to explain.  Everything was normal which is great however, the last time I had an ultrasound of anything was when I was pregnant with the twins.  I remember going in there, looking at the black and white figures on the screen, feeling an enormous amount of love and protection for these 2 little people who were growing inside me.  During the time that I was pregnant, I didn't put anything into my body that would hurt them - I didn't drink, I didn't smoke, I didn't eat soft cheeses (well, I'd occasionally take the edge off a piece of danish feta), I cut down on my prawn addiction (even though that was one of my biggest cravings) and i did this to protect them. 

My belly full of babies :) I was 34 weeks pregnant with the Twins here

Today when I looked at my heart, I looked at it in the same way.  I want to feel quite protective of it.  It is beating.  Strongly.  It's healthy.  It's keeping me alive.  And it's under enormous pressure.  I need to start looking at it differently.  I need to take care of this part of my body better just like I did when I was pregnant.  I need to think before I eat something that is going to harm it and put it under more strain.

When I left the clinic, I sat in my car and cried.  Once again, I think because my migraine had gotten worse because of the coughing after the breathing tests and the fact that I'm still picking myself up after yesterday but if I had ever felt like turning back, it was at that moment.  I'm not sure why but, for a few moments as I was walking back to my car, I really had to reassure myself that I was making the right decision.  And I know I am. 

One thing that I have learnt about my life in my 30 years is that for some reason, hard times turn harder.  I don't know why - it just seems to be the rule.  A week ago, I went on a bender.  Yesterday, I felt like eating a bucket of KFC.  Today, I did eat some proper meals due to the fact that I am trying to get rid of my Migraine.  I ate a salad on the way home from the Clinic from McDonalds today and I had Subway for dinner tonight. 

I'm happy to state that it's not emotional eating - it's because I need to nourish my body to try and get rid of the migraine before it gets any worse (I had a migraine for 7 weeks back in June/July of this year and I don't want it to get like that again). 

Tomorrow I'll start on my shakes again.  I HOPE my migraine has gone and if it hasn't, I'll end up at the Hospital for pain relief to get on top of it.  I also have an appointment with Dr Winnett on Tuesday so that I'll be able to discuss my eating habits over the last week with him.  I'm happy it's happened in the first mandatory shake week rather than the third or forth.  And I'm pleased that I did so well in my first 2 weeks to give me a head start that I may not have had otherwise.

During the past few days, I've felt very much singled out.  Nothing about the past 2 days have been dignifying.  Nothing about being this weight is dignifying.  Especially when they need to make sure that they have got a bed that will hold your weight for a sleep test.  Nothing about the whole last few weeks since I found out how much I weight have been dignified.  But, I know that it will all be worth it at the end.

Things are looking good but they're not looking as good as they could be.  As I said, I should be used to having bad things made worse by different things being thrown into the mix.  It's not looking at things with a negative approach.  For me, it's looking at things in a holistic approach - trying to put stops into place to make sure things don't happen and if I hadn't have had this discussion with myself on Sunday, I believe I would have gone off track due to the events of yesterday without a doubt. 

I'm still waiting for that emotional eating book to come in... I think it will come in handy :)

The other thing I'm going to do is write some signs to put up around the house to keep me going.  Things to focus on.  Countdowns.  Words.  Phrases.  Pictures.  Positive things to try and outweigh all of the negative things that seem to be surrounding me at the moment.

I still can't believe it's in 5 and a half weeks.  It's come up so fast!

I really appreciate the messages that I've received since yesterday and the number of people who are concerned about what happened at work that upset me so much.  At this stage, I'm not saying anything public about the incident other than it's something that has really upset me for a few reasons but as it's something that needs to be looked into, all I'll say is that I'm okay and I'm strong and I'm not going to let anything affect me from having my surgery and tasting personal success.  Thank you for worrying though xoxo

I'm off to bed with a cup of Chamomile tea (and my dogs and cats!) and HOPE that I wake up without a migraine.  Night :)

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Day 17

Aaaahhhh, what a day...

Without going in to too much detail, I had a really bad day at work today. 

I was presented with a very difficult situation which left me terribly upset, to the point where I had to go home within a few hours after I had arrived at work.  I was (and am still) very shaken up, in tears and have a terrible migraine (so I shall make this short and sweet).

The good thing about today is that I stuck to my shakes and salad.  When I got home from work, I honestly could have gone down to KFC and eaten a whole bucket of chicken!  instead, I mixed up a shake and put it in the freezer for half an hour and enjoyed a semi thick shake.

Today has taught me a few things - I still believe that everything happens for a reason.  Things are thrown at us from all different angles and it's up to us how we deal with them.

It's like my Journey - things keep being put in the way - obstacles, tests.  Things that test my strength.  My commitment to myself.  My goal.  My mission.  And I'm not going to let these things stop me.  Things can be thrown in my way but I'm determined not to let them distract me from where I'm heading.

Temptations resisted today - I resisted the temptation to give in to emotional eating again.  It may not sound a lot but, that is bigger than anything that I've had to do in the past 2 and a half weeks.


Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Day 16

Because of my slight 'falling off the Wagon' on the Weekend, I've found it quite hard to get through today.  It's like I'm back in Week 1 again. 

I have had 3 litres of water, my Chocolate Optifast for breakfast, a Chocolate Optifast bar for lunch and I am about to have my Chocolate Optifast for tea along with my Vegies.  I know I'll get through the night - it's just a matter of focusing and doing it.  Lucky I'm having an early one as I have work tomorrow!  As long as I am asleep, I don't think about food :)

I went to the gym this afternoon.  I walked 1km in a minute and a half less than what I did on Monday morning.  I am really improving.  I have a personal training session on Friday that I am looking forward to.  I need someone to push me that little bit further.  Now that my cough is getting better, I'll certainly stay longer when I go tomorrow night. 

I'm enjoying going.  I thought the fact that I was around guys would bother me but, it's not really getting to me at all.  I just go in there and do my thing.  It was nice this afternoon as I was so hot in the face from the exercise that I had done, when I walked outside the rain cooled my cheeks down :)

Things are going well - I hope that I start to go a bit better in the next few days as I get back into the swing of things.

Monday, August 23, 2010

WEEK 3 - Day 15

First thing's first - I lost .5 kilograms in Week 2!  That brings me to a total of 4.8 kilograms in 2 weeks :)

This morning I got up at 5.30am feeling as though I was ready to conquer the world and then my cough started.  And kept going.  And going.  And going.

I proceeded with my weigh in.  I was SO scared to look at the scales which was pointless as I realised that 'she' reads it out for me... 'two hundred and fourteen point 9 kilograms'.  OMG.  I'd managed to loose .5 kilograms despite my very bad eating habits over the past few days.  I was wrapped.  And slightly stunned.  And a tiny bit annoyed at myself wondering what the result would have been had I not done what I had done... no point looking back... time to look FORWARD.

So, I went to the gym.  Not as punishment (as I'd planned on doing) but as a reward to myself for saying goodbye to another half a kilogram for good.  I only walked a Kilometre (took me 16 minutes) and I coughed the whole way home.  I had my Optifast as soon as I walked in the door and felt relieved to be back on track with things.  Still coughing but relieved.

Although I spent the whole day coughing, I had a relaxing day - I spent some time on the phone catching up with Bec (xoxo) - we haven't spoken in ages.  It was so nice to hear her voice (and to her her baby Man in the background).

I also accepted my delivery of books :)

- 'Exedus from Obesity' by Paula F Peck
- 'The emotional first aid kit' by Cynthia L Alexander
- 'Weight loss surgery connection' by Melissa Derbin-Parish
- 'Laprascopic adjustable gastric banding' by Jessie H Ahroni
- 'Weight loss surgery with the adjustable gastric band' by Robert Sewell and Linda Rohrbough
- 'The high protein cookbook' by Linda West Eckhardt and Katherine West Defoyd
- 'The pocket gastric band guide' by Trudy Williams
- 'Food for gastric banding' by Trudy Williams
and my favourite,
- 'Knife, fork and band' by Sally Johnston

Are all in my hot little hands.  Seriously, I could open a small library with the amount of books that I have on lap banding.  I think that it's important to be educated.  I am happy that none of the books I have bought contradict one another.  I have also been careful to do my research when buying the books - I make sure I check to see that other bandits have read and enjoyed the book and have also found it helpful.  There are a lot of books out there that are aimed solely at marketing a product or are bias in their opinion (especially when you're in the early days of researching).

I have lots of reading to do. 

The 'Knife, fork and Band' book is so far the book that I have heard the most about.  There are some fantastic recipes in there for pre surgery, the early days after surgery and the months and years after surgery.  There are also meal plans which is great for someone like me - I am assured variety and I can be organised for the week ahead.

I am going to stay home tonight rather than go to the gym.  I need to let this cough settle a bit so that I can go to work on Wednesday.  Hopefully the antibiotics kick in by tomorrow!  I hate feeling sick and the fact that I am drinking dairy based products doesn't help!  I shall go to Aqua aerobics tomorrow though - I'm looking forward to it :)

I've also started up a Photos section on my blog - I'll try and fill it with photos from different times of my life (it may require Mum dragging up some goodies!).  It's interesting to see how my weight has changed, especially in the last 12 years.

I also received a very touching Email from someone today that bought tears to my eyes.  It made me see things from the 'other side' of the spectrum.  I am yet to gather my words to construct a reply.  It was that amazing that I don't want my response to wreck it!

I feel blessed to be in this position and I haven't realised until today what a responsibility I have.  Not only to myself but to others.  Thank you all for your feedback on my blog and your encouraging comments - it means the world to me xoxo

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Day 14

I'm still not back on track...

This morning I had some toast with Vegemite.  For lunch I had a salad roll and for tea I had a small serving of roast lamb - more steamed vegies than lamb.


I am scared about weigh day tomorrow rather than excited as I have spent the last day indulging rather than focusing on my Optifast diet.  I am worried that I have put back on rather than lost - that would be my ultimate punishment.

I am getting up in the morning to go to the Gym.  I am getting up at 5.40, chucking on my running shoes and heading for the Gym.  I'll spend half an hour there and then I'll come home and go to work.  I might get into work a bit later than normal but at least I've done my morning work out.  I'll also aim to go to the Gym in the afternoon. when the kids are in bed.

I'll write down what I'm drinking and the times i have my Optifast again.  I was doing so well when I did that - when I stopped doing it on Thursday, everything just seemed to go of course.  At least I can be honest with myself (and others!).

The next 6 weeks are not a game.  They are serious.  They are the mandatory 6 weeks that I absolutely HAVE to do the Optifast for before my Surgery.  It's do this or don't have the Surgery.

It's time to get back on track and MOVE FORWARD (he he - at least that's my saying again now that the election has pretty much hung itself and isn't moving anywhere!).

This week I hope to do myself (and all of you) very proud xoxo

20 minutes later...

I just had a look at www.fishpond.com.au to see if there were some books on emotional eating.  I found a fair few.  This bought me to books about self esteem.  I was about to check out with $150 worth of reading material in my cart (certainly not the first time in the last few weeks...) but, I looked through my purchases and removed the self esteem books. 

In the past few weeks, despite the normal comments from bystanders, the battle in the clothes stores, the every day problems that come with being over weight - I've felt pretty good about myself as a person.  I would describe my self esteem as being quite high.  The emotional eating on the other hand is something that has always been there.  It's not going to go away unless I deal with it.  Even after I've had the band put it, I'll still find that there's times when I use food to comfort and protect myself from whatever is hurting me.  That's what I have to work on now.  I shall let you know what the book is like.  I am just happy that there are a few out there :)

Day 13 - emotional eating... GUILTY

Well, I've heard the truth hurts to this is going to be agonising.

I haven't been the 'best' behaved today when it's come to my eating habits.

Thursday was when my whole 'doing so well' pedestal came crashing down as I didn't have my Optifasts at the right time.  I had Subway as a result which I accepted.

Yesterday, I had a glass of wine.  I was delivered some quite shocking news a family member yesterday afternoon which justifies the glass of wine (lucky it was just a glass rather than the bottle). 

Today, I have not behaved at all.  For breakfast, I didn't have anything.  For lunch, I had a salad roll with ham.  For dinner, I had 4 slices of Pizza. 

I take full responsibility for all of my actions and everything that I put into my mouth but it is amazing how our emotions can often control what we feel like eating.  I knew that I was an emotional eater.  I just hadn't had it confirmed until now.

It's hard to write what I've been up to here but it's all part of my journey.  It's certainly not the right thing to have done but, it's done now.  I don't feel the best about it.  I just have to work out a way how to make sure that it doesn't happen again. 

I'm wondering if anyone has read any books on emotional eating or has found a way to conquer emotional eating and has any tips to share?  I imagine that this is not the only time in the next 6 weeks that I don't feel the best for whatever reason and I'd love to have some tools on how to manage it better for next time.

Temptations resisted today - more pizza than I should have had, Coke instead of diet lemonade, eggs and bacon and chocolate.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Day 12 - short and sweet

I feel AWFUL today.  I wish this cough would go away!

Drinking the Optifast is making the cough worse as it's quite chesty and the Optifast is a dairy product so, it's helping but it's not (if you get what i mean).

My throat is so sore as well!  I shall stop whinging...

I did have a glass of wine at dinner time.  I did put it off for some time and even pondered the thought of having vodka with soda water to lower the sugar content but, the wine won in the end.  I'm not a big drinker at all but today's events called for a glass of nice wine :)

Temptations resisted today - nothing as I spent most of the day in bed!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Day 11 - yep, my bad...

I had such a fantastic day today!  Well, half of it was fantastic - the first part was spent at the School sorting out School things but the second part was spent with gorgeous Trish doing things that only Trish can do best :)

I can't remember the last time we spent time together where there was no one else.  No kids.  No Husbands.  No one.  It was a long time before the babies were born, I just can't remember how long. 

I had my first shake at around 1pm (take note of this - this explains my, ahem, muck up later on in the day...).  I had a go of Trish's vibration platform - I sat on it and it was SO cool.  It's one of the ones that boost your circulation.  It probably wasn't the best thing to have right after my shake but it's certainly something that I'll look at getting when I am a bit smaller.

We then looked through her nail polish and I was stunned at the array of colours so we thought it was necessary to go and get me some as well so we did!  We then sat and drank our bottles of water chatting about everything and nothing.  It was just what I needed :)

She then took me to a fantastic place called Basfoods - OMG!  It has EVERYTHING that you could ever need - oils, spices, flour, nuts, herbs, cheese, snacks, sauces - it was fantastic (www.basfoods.com.au) I have never seen anything like it!  I bought a few things for the pantry but avoided more things than what I bought.

We had planned a trip to Savers but we ran out of time so we went to the Salvos instead.  That sufficed!  I managed to get out of there just under $100 which means a successful spending spree me :)  Trish bought me this gorgeous bag as a 'well done' gift.  It was a fantastic afternoon.

Thank you, Trish xoxo

On the way home, I stopped off and bought a bottle of water.  I picked up the Boys, Brad and the babies and we went shopping before we went and got dinner.  I was STARVING at this point only having 1 of my shakes so I decided to have Subway.  Now - I feel bad writing this as it's something I wasn't going to do but, I also need to be honest to myself and say what I've done.  It's not the end of the world.

I had a 6 inch instead of a foot long like I'd normally have and I had one of the 6 grams of fat or less subs.  It was so good to have something to eat - something I could get my teeth into.  The first thing in 11 days.  I guess the good thing about the first 2 weeks is that they were voluntary, not mandatory.  If I did this in 2 weeks time, it's not good at all but, today, I could probably get away with it.

I still feel guilty for eating it.  I feel bloated.  I feel full which is a shock - a 6 inch sub would have never filled me 2 weeks ago.  I feel as though I've 'let the team down' but, I also need to realise that it's not the end of the world and I need to acknowledge that I know where I went wrong today - I didn't have my morning shake or my lunch one on time therefore I was very vulnerable when it came to tea time.  Don't get me wrong - I thought about Subway for a long time before having it - it took me about 15 minutes to work out if I was going to have it or not.  It wasn't a decision made lightly.

Now that I think of it, the Subway would have had the same amount of Kilojoules in it as the 2 Optifasts that I missed out on so I guess it's not so bad.

Anyway, it's done now.  Back on track tomorrow.  Back on focus tomorrow.  I'm happy it was Subway and not the Whopper with Cheese that I've been craving for the last few days!

Things I've resisted today - Fetta cheese, apricots, dried banana chips, cashew nuts, coffee,  cheese naan bread, seaweed rice crackers, a giant freddo frog and red rooster cheesy nuggets.  Oh, and doughnut king doughnuts.

Day 10 - 10? Already?

I can't believe it's day 10!  It's gone quick!

I hate being sick :( I have a really sore throat and still can't shake this cough.  I went to the Doctors today and they've put me on some anti biotics.  I have a chest infection.  Being sick is not going to stop me though!

I spent most of the day in my warm bed today.  I had a Chocolate Optifast this morning and drank a fair bit throughout the day.

My Aunty is over from South Australia and my family were going out for dinner.  I made a spur of the moment decision to go and join them so at 5pm, we set off to drive to Boronia (about an hour and a bit away from here).  It was great to see everyone - Mum, Dad, my Sister, my Brother in Law, my Nanna and Poppa and my Aunty.  It was also the first time that I have been out for a meal where I am not actually eating!  it was an interesting experience.

Food plays such an important role in our lives when it comes to being social.  It's always around us when there's a birthday party, a BBQ, a Wedding, a Baptism, tea and scones - any celebration I have thought of has involved food.  Even at the end of a Funeral there always seems to be a good spread at the end of it.  It's not something that I have thought of before.  I never realised that it always seems to be there - even when we don't really want it or need it.

Tonight as I watched as the big bowl of wedges come out along with the garlic bread that I normally try to grab the crispiest looking piece, I waited for the feeling of disappointment to emerge when I realised that I couldn't have any of it but, it never did.  I sat there, stirring my Optislim Tomato soup, munching on my salad watching risottos, fish and chips, chicken parmigiana, soups and pastas be devoured in front of me and other then noticing that it happened so quickly, I felt relieved that I didn't feel that I was missing out. 

I'm on a mission and nothing can get in my way.

I didn't go to the gym today.  I will go tomorrow night.  I have a date with Trish tomorrow :) I can't wait to spend some time with her.  I can't remember the last time that I saw her when I didn't have the Children with me or when there were Husbands lurking around :)

I also want to add how proud I am to see that so many of you have started your own missions to become healthier.  I think I've mentioned it before how many people have said that they have found my story inspiring (which I am so pleased to hear) but to know that it has helped people to set their own goals and work toward them - it makes me so pleased.  Make sure you let me know how you go xoxo

Temptations resisted today - garlic bread, wedges (with sour cream and sweet chilli sauce!), strawberry yogurt, orange juice, chocolate, apples, bananas, jelly, ice cream, coke and lemonade.

P.S - there's only 48 days until my Surgery!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Day 9

I am officially a member of Genesis in Melton!  Today I took the plunge and signed up at the Gym.

I had my appointment with Sean this afternoon and he was fantastic.  I spoke to him on the phone on Sunday to find out if their exercise Machines would hold my weight.  It seems as though they do as when I went in there today, the treadmill did not come up with an error message (unlike it did in a gym in Ringwod that I used to attend) and the Cross trainer also didn't seem to complain about me being there.  The stepper on the other hand didn't like me at all - I'll have to get rid of a few more kilos before I use that one.  Even with trying out the equipment I managed to get a tiny bit puffed!  I am SO unfit!

There's also a pool there.  Every obstacle that I gave Sean, he seemed to be able to jump over!  I asked him how I'd get out of the pool as I don't do well with the ladders that go straight up - he showed me the platform that they use for the kids classes.  He even said he'd be happy to put it in the water for me when I wanted go go for a Swim.  I also booked some personal training sessions which will be great post surgery. 

Given the fact I think Sean looks a bit like Shane Crawford, it wasn't hard for him to make a sale today :) and for anyone who knows me, this would be of benefit for anyone - even if I were an Eskimo and the 'looks a bit like Shane Crawford' person was trying to sell me ice, they would be successful :)

My first visit to the Gym will be tomorrow night and I'll do the aqua aerobics class on Thursday.  I intend on going for half an hour every week day to start with and I'll increase it as I get better.  I also hope to do some other classes as I get fitter.  I'm happy that I've taken another positive step forward.

I had some good advice from one of my followers about measuring myself - using a piece of string and laying it across a builders tape.  I am going to start this as of next week.  The only difficult part for me to measure will be my waist.

For a number of years during high school, I used to put a belt around my waist.  I used to tighten it as far as it would go.  It used to make me feel thin.  When I'd put my hand on my 'waist', because of the belt, it would create an illusion that I was thin.  Well, I thought it did anyway. 

I used to feel thin when I wore it.  It felt like a corset.  A really thin corset.  I didn't realise at that stage that I'd do such damage to myself at a later stage.  I just wanted to have a waist to put my hands on like the other girls did. 

I can't remember how many years I wore it for but as a result, I have a permanent indent around my waist.  This has proved a problem when wearing pants or skirts as I have no where for them to sit.

So, indent or no indent, I will try and measure my waist as accurately as possible so that I can measure my results in another way other than just how I weigh.

Last night, I had the Optislim tomato soup.  It was actually really nice.  It was very sweet.  It was much better than the Optislim chicken soup which I choked on due to the amount of texture in it.  The Optifast vegetable isn't bad but the Tomato is my favourite by far at this stage.  Add a salad and it was the perfect meal.  Add a 'salad stuffer', and it's hard to say no to those leafy greens...

As soon as I sat down with my salad last night, Charlotte came up and picked up handfuls of salad and started to shove it in my mouth!  Most of it ended on my chest but it was so cute!  I couldn't resist!  I didn't even get to pick out the bits of carrot that were in there (I'm not allowed to have carrot at the moment).

Temptations resisted today - I had to go to the Bakery to pick up some bread for everyone else right after the Gym today and I REALLY wanted a party pie but didn't have one nor did I have a carton of chocolate Big M, a doughnut, pieces of fresh bread with vegemite or tuna, the roast chicken roll that everyone else is having tonight or a a big glass of orange that I still crave from last week!

Monday, August 16, 2010

WEEK 2 - Day 8

Well, this morning I weighed in at 215.4 kilograms which means I lost a total of 4.3 kilograms in Week 1.  I am so pleased with my achievement :)

Tomorrow I am off to the Gym.  I have decided to join one to exercise in a controlled environment.  I want to do some low impact exercises like aqua aerobics.  The only equipment I could really use would be the cross trainer and the exercise bike.  When I was at Fernwood a few years ago, I used to do the classes but I think that it will be a while before I get into them again due to my aching joints :/ I really look forward to seeing what next weeks results are given the fact that I tend to move things along a little bit :)

Today was good - I had a Vanilla Optifast for breakfast, a Chocolate one for lunch and I'm going to have a Tomato Optislim for dinner along with 2 cups of salad.  I've had plenty of water as well.

My hunger pangs are getting less and less by the day.  When I have the shakes at the right time and I drink enough fluid, I feel really good.  It's not hard to stick too after the first week.  It seems to be getting easier each day and each shake I have, I know I get closer to my Surgery.

I got picked on at the station tonight.  This girl and this guy found my not so petite size figure to be quite amusing by walking into the 'waiting area' of the station only to walk out again in fits of laughter exclaiming 'fffffffffffffaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk she's fat'.  Hey.  State the obvious next time.  When my Husband got off the train, I went out to meet him (I was about 5 metres away from this girl and her now 2 friends) and I said to him 'if we stand here for long enough we might both get picked on'.  I really hoped that she heard me.  I don't think she did.  I still don't get it.  She was no where near perfect.  By the time I got into the car I had tears rolling down my cheeks.  I'm SO over it.  I shouldn't have to put up with it.  I'm getting sick of it and I'm not going to tolerate it for much longer. 

Temptations resisted today - EVERYTHING anyone at work was eating for lunch!  Tuna and salad pita breads, toasted sandwiches, butter chicken, chicken casserole - so much stuff!  Tonight everyone is having Spaghetti which smells SO good.  They're having a roast Chicken roll thing from Leonards tomorrow night which is going to be a challenge.  I do have a confession to make though - I did eat 1 big Strawberry tonight because they looked SO good.  It shouldn't really go in my resisted category though should it?

I hope everyone has a wonderful week xoxo

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Day 7 - the week is almost done and dusted :)

Well, the week is nearly over!  I feel very proud of myself.  I've stuck to the program and I've done what even I didn't think I could do - not cheat or let myself down by having things that I shouldn't eat. 

As I mentioned yesterday, I've joined a forum with other Lap Banders and many of them speak of their Optifast journey.  I'm yet to find one that didn't resort to normal food in their first week.  If it was a main meal or some take away or they pigged out on something because they were so hungry they just couldn't handle it any more, I've experienced all of those sensations yet I've managed to conquer every one.  It's been SOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard at times but, I've found something to focus on and something to keep me motivated and strong through each moment of weakness.  I still can't believe it's a week.  1 down.  7 to go.

I wanted to go for a walk today but, it was raining.  Nothing stops me lately - I did go for a walk but not at the local oval...

I took myself to Watergardens and went shopping :) I rewarded myself with some new clothes for my good behaviour for this week and spent a little too much money (I should have remembered the old age rule of never shopping when you're hungry as with me that applies for anything, not just food!).  I walked SO much and SO fast!  I also parked as far as away as I could from the shops that I needed to go to.  I actually worked up a sweat and managed to get puffed!  I consider that as my half an hour walk :)

As this photo was being taken, a couple walked past me (mid twenties?) and the guy said to his partner "look at that fat chick" she turned around to look.  I said to her "yes, I am fat!  Have you not seen a fat chick before?".  Lachlan (my 11 year old who was taking the photo and also heard the man comment along with my response) is used to this although he shouldn't be.  I don't understand what the attraction is.  Sure, I'm big but I'm not the biggest person in the world and even if I was, it gives no right for people to point me out like I am some kind of attraction at the Zoo.

After Lachie had finished taking the photo, I took the opportunity to apologise to him for the fact that he has had to live with this his whole life.  He said that it was okay.  He said that they don't know that I am a nice person and they are the people who are missing out.  I am happy that I have taught him well but, it shouldn't be like that. 

When I was going through the photos that he took before posting this up, there was a really bad one (I wasn't ready!) but, I think it's important that I post it as well because it's a close up of my face and as I have only just started having photos taken, I am not really happy with how I look but these are photos that I will cherish as the weeks, months and years go on. 

I don't feel like I look like this.  I feel like I look like everyone else.  It's hard to explain...

But anyway - it's WEIGH IN DAY TOMORROW!  I will weigh myself at 5ish in the morning and I'll post my results up tomorrow night (if I get the chance, I'll add the result to the weigh in page before I leave for work but I probably won't get the time).

I want to thank you all again for your comments, Emails, SMS messages, phone calls, PM's - EVERYTHING.  I appreciate it SO MUCH xoxo and I also wish to commend a lot of you for starting your own Journeys to being healthier and making positive changes in your lives.  It's fantastic to know that I am inspiring others to change.  I am honoured to be in this position and can honestly say if I can do it, so can you xoxo

Temptations resisted today - boost juice (YUM!), yo yo biscuits and a vegemite sanga were the only 2 things that I really resisted today.  These were the things that I craved but did not give in to - a red rooster chicken roll, nachos, tacos, roast pumpkin, dim sims, apples, dried banana chips, vegemite scroll, mars bar, muffin break, egg and lettuce sanga and a cherry ripe :)

Bring on week 2!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Day 6

Not a lot has happened today!  It's been quite a lazy Saturday!  I'm feeling a bit better after yesterday.  This is such an emotional roller coaster ride.

I've had 2 shakes - one at around 12pm and the other at 6pm.  I don't feel like having the other one.  I have only had around a litre of fluid. I'm not hungry or thirsty.  I'm just feeling pretty much, well... blah.

I was naughty this morning and I did weigh myself.  I should have waited until Monday.  I had lost and from memory (as I was half asleep), it worked out that I had lost about a kilogram per day since I've been on the Optifast.  I am quite pleased but I shall wait until Monday until my official weigh day to record anything :)

I had a bit of spare time today to do some more research into lap-band.  i found a fantastic forum where lap banders go and share their stores.  It's really inspiring.  I've joined it and I've already found some really helpful information on there including some more recommendations for books (I thought I already owned every single one out there!).

I'm going to start walking tomorrow.  I get really sore hips from walking to far.  I've said it before that when I walk from the train station to work (which isn't far at all) makes me ache.  I am going to walk a few laps around the oval tomorrow to see how I go.  I am going to start exercising for half an hour each day from tomorrow to accelerate my weight loss prior to the surgery.

I also look forward to spending some time out in the back yard tomorrow with the Kids.  We had the lawns done today so the grass is no longer up to my knees :) I hope it's not too cold.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend :)

Ooohhh, almost forgot - temptations resisted today... making double chocolate chip cookies, mashed potato, toasted muesli, coffee, yogurt and chocolate pudding :)

Friday, August 13, 2010

Day 5 - does anyone know where I can buy a food patch from?

I'll try and make this as short as possible but it may be a bit long... I need to vent!

I am such a moody cow today.

I went to work today (I'm only part time - Monday, Wednesday and Friday).  I got in at 7.20.  I got up at 5.30am and had my shake at 8.30am.  I started drinking some Ribeena lite at 5.30am and finished that at around about 11am (750mls worth).

We had morning tea at work today (which I knew about as Cath put up a picture of her Lamington cup cakes on Facebook last night).  I wasn't going to go across to the table where everyone was sitting but I felt so anti social seem as everyone was sitting only 5 metres away from me so I sat down with everyone with my left over Ribeena and some sugar free lollies.  One of the guys at work made Nachos (GRRR) and when I gave up smoking, I used to enjoy passive smoking for a few minutes (I sometimes still do) and today I enjoyed 'passive eating' the nachos and the carrot cake and the tim tams and the lamington cup cakes and the shapes.  It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be to resist although I am still very proud of myself for being in my first social setting where food is involved when I haven't eaten anything.

The aftermath of the morning tea at work!

For lunch, I had a Chocolate Optifast.  This was at about 1.30pm.  I had to force myself to drink it as I didn't feel like it at all.  I wasn't hungry or anything.  I did plan on drinking my other 750ml of fluid but, I couldn't stomach it.  I just didn't feel like it.

I went home an hour early with a headache.  I got off at North Melbourne when these 2 girls started pointing and laughing at me.  I shouldn't judge but they both looked as though they had just walked off from night shift on Grey Street in St Kilda and here they were pointing at me laughing about my size?  A few minutes later, this Man came down the Escalator (he was very drunk) and started picking on them.  Talking about their fake eyelashes and their damaged hair and the fact they had next to no eyebrows and so much make up on that their faces would crack if they smiled.  He did have a point... I felt like asking them both 'it doesn't feel nice to be picked on, does it?' but, I thought I'd leave it.  The Metro Man came over and told them to stand at separate ends of the Platforms.  The Man walked off.  The girls stood there swearing saying how he's just jealous that he can't get a 'piece of arse like them'.  Then their train pulled up - it was headed to Broadmeadows (not including Mr and Mrs T in this statement xoxo).  Need I say more...

At this point, I felt like crap!  I am not sure why at that moment did I feel so bad but, it really got to me.  Maybe because I thought I'd gotten through the day without being picked on by someone on the train or because I was hungry or tired or grumpy but, I just felt like crying.

I got on the train and read some of my Shane Crawford book to cheer me up.

When we got to Melton, I had an hour or so to wait until Brad got to the Station with the keys.  I rang Mum and spoke to her for a few minutes.  I knew she knew something was up but I didn't let on.  I sat in the waiting and kept reading my book.  I enjoyed the peace and quiet and the time to myself. 

When Brad arrived, we went and picked up the Kids.  It's Friday night.  Take away night.  The Kids decided that they wanted to have Hungry Jacks.  Brad decided that he was going to have Pasta from LaPorchetta.  I am having the usual - 2 cups of salad.

I thought that I'd find it hard to resist a chip when the bag of Hungry Jacks came in through the window but it wasn't hard at all as I saw the view of myself as I looked down that I want to get rid of, the chips didn't even tempt me.

This is a picture of me which I took myself. It's taken from about head height. It's not supposed to be flattering, pretty, nice, like able, tasteful, dignified - it's supposed to be real, which it is.  It's my Stomach and this is what turned me off having the chips tonight and I'm pleased that I had this as something to motivate me and keep me going.  It's moments like this that are going to keep that switch turned on. 

When I thought the worst was over, I got home and checked the mail.  A letter had arrived from Dr Winnett.  I am drawing from my Superannuation to cover the cost of the Surgery ($3500).  Dr Winnett had to write me a letter that I could send to APRA (the people who authorise the early release of Superannuation for medical reasons).  When I opened it, this is what it said...

Stephanie is suffering from a life threatening illness for which treatment is not readily available through the public health system.

I just started to cry.  To read that I have a life threatening illness.  It was there in black and white.  I knew they were the words that would be written as these were the words that I had quoted to my GP the night before as he also needs to put in a written submission but to actually see the words in writing with my name involved really hit home.

At around 8pm, I had my third chocolate Optifast for the day.  I probably should start drinking the Vanilla ones (or at least learn how to flavour them so they don't taste icky) so that I don't run out of Chocolate ones!

I'm currently munching on my salad with the fat free dressing and I'm having 2 really thin slices of very low fat tasty cheese. 

Temptations resisted today - tim tams, nachos, corn chips, carrot cake, hungry jacks, la porchetta pasta, shapes, potato cakes covered with vinegar, a cheese toastie, left over chicken chasseur and sushi :)

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Day 4

Today was rather uneventful as far as days go.

I had a 9.45am appointment with Physician, Dr Jeremy Goldin.  I was very pleased with myself as I turned onto the Freeway at 8.45 with plenty of time to spare well, so I thought.

45 minutes later and having moved only about 2 kilometres along the Western Freeway toward the City, I phoned to cancel my appointment as I could see that I wouldn't be there in time.  Although I couldn't see what was ahead of me, I knew I wouldn't be going anywhere fast.  It's good that I wasn't able to attend today in a way as I would have had a series of breathing tests which wouldn't be a true reflection of my normal self due to this awful cold.

I have re booked my appointment for Thursday the 26th of August at 9.45.  This will probably result in me having to stay overnight at the Western Hospital so I can partake in a sleep study to see if I have sleep apnea. 

Anyone who has been within a kilometre of me as I sleep knows that I snore VERY loudly and I do quite often stop breathing so, I am hoping that as a result of this weight loss, this is also something I can say goodbye to.

Today has been quite easy in the way of food.  I had my Optifast shake whilst waiting in the traffic along with my first lot of 750ml of water.  I had my next shake at 1.30pm along with another 750ml of water. 

I had a litre of water between 6pm and 7pm and am awaiting my dinner as I had to get out of the Kitchen - temptation was too great!  Everyone else is having a delicious slow cooked chicken chasseur dish with pasta and carrots.  I dished up the babies diner but had to get out before I dished up my own - I did taste a small piece of Chicken to see if was done and yes, it was :) maybe that's where I went wrong!

I'm finding it easy to use the slow cooker to cook dinner as everything is raw when it goes in - there is no temptation to eat raw chicken.  It's only when it's finished I need to be cautious.

I'm having Optifast chicken soup with 2 cups of lettuce and a no fat dressing.  Yum :)

Temptations resisted today - a massive serving of chicken chassuer with pasta and carrots, lolly snakes and sliced tasty cheese :)

I'm gearing myself up to resist a huge temptation tomorrow at work - Cath's cupcakes!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Day 3 - hump day

I HATE having a cold.  I've got one of the ones where your nose feels blocked and your head feels clogged and your ears are all icky and your throat feels scratchy.

I have also had a slight problem over the past 18 hours - I have been CRAVING a peanut butter Sandwich.  I had a sniff of the peanut butter last night before I went to bed hoping that would dull it.  It did for a while but when I got up this afternoon (yes, this afternoon - I stayed home from work because I had a headache and felt so bad), I craved the bread, the butter and the peanut butter taste together. 

So I ended up doing something that I had told myself that I wasn't going to do... I grabbed the scales.  I needed something to give me some motivation.  At this point, I didn't really think about the 'what if I've put on' factor.  All I cared about was a loss.  Even a .2 kilogram loss would stop me from eating this sandwich.

I took a breath and stood on the scales.  She told me (in her slightly of putting American accent)...

"you weigh two hundred and sixteen point seven kilograms.  Goodbye". 

For a minute there, I was really pleased - I'd lost 2 kilos.  But, when I opened my book and found that it was 3, I was astonished!  3 kilos.  Gone.  Just like that.

I rang my Mum.  Then Brad.  Then my Dad.  Then I put it on Facebook.  Now I am putting it up here.  I am so proud.  SO pleased.  And SO excited about the coming weeks.  I made my shake, made up my 750mls of diet Ribeena and drank them both. 

I had broccoli and bok choy for dinner with some garlic.  I also had an Optifast Vegetable Soup.

I can say that today has honestly been the hardest day when it has come to resisting food and temptation.  I think back 3 years ago to when I gave up smoking.  Day 3 and 4 were the hardest.  Hump days.  I am hoping that the rest aren't so bad.  I class food as an addiction.  My addiction.  Just like the Cigarettes were.  I'll take it one day at a time.  I'll resist each temptation and just like when I gave up smoking, things will get easier each day.

Addiction - noun

the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

Temptations resisted today - Lasagna, Cesar Salad with the works, banana custard and that bloody peanut butter sandwich :)

My 2 year old Daughter, Charlotte carrying a 3 litre bottle of milk (which is roughly 3 kilos), the amount weight that I've lost in a few days :)

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Day 2

Well, day 2 is almost over and I'm still going well and am definitely on the right track.

I've come down with quite a bad cold so naturally the first thing I feel like having when I get up is a big glass of freshly squeezed orange juice.  Nope.  Not today!  I had my chocolate Optifast and some diet apple and raspberry cordial instead.

I didn't have lunch as I slept through it but for dinner I had one of the Optifast vegetable soups which are actually really nice.  They are just like the normal Continental cup a soup without the croutons!  I also had 2 cups of stir fried broccoli with a tiny bit of garlic.

Drinking my 2 litres has been a bit of a challenge.  I'm going to go and have a shower and unblock my nose so I can finish off my last 750ml of fluid.

My sugar free essences arrived today.  I can't wait to experiment with them to see how I can flavour my Vanilla shakes but I have since discovered that Optifast comes in 4 flavours rather than 2.  They also have Strawberry and Coffee - these cost a substantial amount more than the chocolate and vanilla ones though.  Not sure why.  Go figure...

4 of my books arrived today.  My cook books for after surgery and 'fighting weight' by Khaliah Ali which I can't wait to read.  After reading the first few lines, I can tell it's a book I am going to not only relate to but enjoy thoroughly.  I'll add my review in my books section once I've finished.

Temptations that I overcame today - hot buttered toast, a delicious slow cooked lamb casserole that I made for everyone else for dinner, doughnuts and my favourite sausage rolls from the bakery. 

Monday, August 9, 2010

WEEK 1 - Day 1

Today was pretty good.  A lot easier than I thought it would be :)

My first weigh in was quite eventful.  I was 222 kilograms at the Hospital and today I am 219.7 kilograms.  Yay!  :)

I got off the train and smelt the cookies baking at Mrs Fields in Melbourne Central. There was also a hint of Citrus from the fruit being cut up at my favourite juice store.  Breakfast was being served at both MacDonalds and Hungry Jacks. I am sure that the Cheesymite Scrolls at Brumbys were just as warm and Cheesy as they've ever been but reality hit as I walked past at least 10 ticket validation machines that were working perfectly as I headed toward the one that caters for Wheelchairs and Prams (I can't go through the other ones as they tear my pants even if I walk on the side), I remembered that nothing that was going on around me mattered.  It was me and this moment of realisation that today was the day.  Probably the most important day of my journey.  A day to prove it to myself that I matter.  That I am important.  That I am worth the effort that this is going to take.

I hadn't been in to work for almost 8 weeks due to the severe migraines that I had been experiencing.  It was great being back.  I set myself up by getting rid of temptations - my breakfast bars, Milo, Coffee, Cappuccino Sachets that were sitting on my desk had to go.  

After that, I headed off to the Kitchen to make my first shake.  One of my team mates was there for the moment and kindly took a photo for me (ta Tash). I had the Chocolate one. It wasn't too bad.  

I told people at work what I was doing (the lap band).  I included the information in an Email that I sent around the team at the same time as saying a big thank you for the lovely card they gave me whilst I was in Hospital.  I didn't give weights and things, just what I was planning on doing.  I want people to be aware of what I am doing as I need to keep motivated.  One of the girls in my team shared a story about her Mum and the amazing results that she had achieved by following a Protein diet.  It was so inspiring.  I was so proud of someone who I had never even met at what they had achieved as I can imagine how it would feel.  She looked unbelievable.  I can't wait to feel like that.

I had a Vanilla shake for lunch and I managed to polish off my 2 litres of water by 4pm.  

I was feeling quite good at the end of the day despite having a headache but, no day is without it's dampener... I got on the train at Melbourne Central and headed toward North Melbourne (2 stops - no point in sitting down although there were plenty of seats available).  Some Goose and his mates got off at Flagstaff (1 stop down from Melbourne Central) and pointed to a row of seats at the back and said to me 'I saved 2 seats for you over there' and started to piss himself laughing.  My response - 'thank you.  So long as I don't have to share one of them with you'.  He said something back as the door closed.  

I guess this is where I'll learn to love my MP3 player again.  Although I have the comebacks, hearing this sort of stuff isn't great.  I didn't let it get me down.  I just smiled knowing that I am probably a hell of a lot smarter than him and whatever came out of his mouth as the doors closed was probably some kind of lame come back that his Mates would have thought was pathetic anyway.  I should have sat on him.  Tool.

Tonight I had a gorgeous stir fry.  Broccoli, spring onion and a tiny bit of red capsicum.  It had a nice creamy texture to it as I used olive oil spray and I added a tablespoon of water along with a tiny bit of garlic.  It was so good.  I'm still supposed to have another shake but I don't think I have the room. 

I also managed to find some essences (thank you for your magic Google wand, Mother and thank you Cath for your eager hunting). I have ordered some sugar free flavours to add to my Vanilla shakes.  I also ended up purchasing some Optifast soups which I'll try.  I also grabbed some sugar free lollies.  I'm going to start a new page of 'purchases' so that interested people can find the products I've been getting with ease without having to do all the leg work.

Thank you for all the lovely comments.  It's so lovely to feel loved and supported through this.  I really appreciate it xoxo  And if you have any questions, feel free to ask.  I'm happy to answer them (where I can, of course!).

Sunday, August 8, 2010

The night before the beginning...

If I said I wasn’t a bit nervous about tomorrow, I’d be lying.
I know that I am only starting the 2 month liquid diet but it’s quite a big deal. I have so many feelings bottled up but am not sure how to express them and after this weekend (Brad’s and my 2nd Wedding Anniversary) a lot of other feelings popped up as well.

Tomorrow is the start of something new. Something a bit scary. Something exciting. Something awesome. The start of a journey that is going to change so many aspects of my life forever. I feel calm yet panicked. Equipped yet totally unprepared. I guess it’s because it’s something new and anything new can bring up all sorts of different feelings.

As tomorrow has been getting closer, I have been making preparations. When I think about what I have done, it doesn’t seem like much but when I write it, I am amazed at how much I’ve actually done!

- I have purchased 6 boxes of Optifast.

- I have bought bottles of water to store in the fridge so I always have something cold to mix my shakes with (they can’t be mixed with milk).

- I have bought some diet cordials (a few bottles – one for work and one for home).

- I have picked some decent looking diet jellies which can count toward my fluid intake for the day.

- I have a funky purple book and new pens (yay!) to jot down what time I’ve had my shakes and how much I’ve been drinking (and what I’ve been drinking).

- I have spent way too much money on hot pink drink bottles and shakers (mainly for when I am at work) but they are so cool. I also have some straws and some different cups so that I can vary the way I consume my shakes so that I trick my brain into thinking that I am having something different each time!

- I bought ice trays (to leave at work – I am going to label these – if ANYONE steals my Ice, I am going to go BIZURK).

- I shall continue to source out essences to flavour my Vanilla Optislim with to make it more exciting (Safeway didn’t show me much love in their cake making department...).

- I have asked Mum to compile a list of leafy greens. I don’t want to depress myself with the options that may seem limited. I shall mix it up and make a meal plan on Tuesday when I have a bit more time.

- I’ve made my appointment with the dietician and the physician. I have one for next week and one for the week after.

- I have purchased some scales that will weigh me!

Over the past week or so, I’ve really started to feel depressed about my weight. Maybe because I know that I am finally taking the positive step to make a change. Things like climbing up or down stairs, playing mini golf, rolling over in bed, getting up and down off the couch, sitting in general (I look like a ball), eating in public, going out in public, going in a lift, being at the movies, walking around the market – pretty much every place I have been, I have noticed that I’ll feel better once I have lost weight. Even a few kilograms will make a huge difference.

I look forward to when my ankles aren’t swollen at the end of the day, I look forward to when I don’t have to have people staring at my ‘lower’ stomach (which they do constantly), I am SICK of being told ‘it’s such a shame because you have such a pretty face’, when I can eat to be nourished rather than eat because it’s there – to use food as a tool to live rather than use it how I do now. When I don’t have to be paranoid about stepping into a lift, onto a bus, into a train. When I can use the stairs rather than the escalator because I’ll have the energy. To not have rashes in awkward places because of heat or rubbing. To be able to run after my Kids and kick the football around. To have the energy to make it through a day without needing to sit down. To be able to play mini golf with 2 hands rather than one because my stomach is in the way. To be healthy. To not sweat for no reason at all. To not have the defend the horrible taunts and jests that are made to me almost every day. To be able walk without getting sore hips. To use my lap top as a lap top rather than a stomach top. To not be able to change the babies nappies on my stomach. To go clothes shopping with my friends. To go on a plane. To feel pretty. To do the fun things that I want to do and not feel embarrassed to do them because I am big – it’s amazing how many things people think you shouldn’t do just because you’re fat – sitting on the Elephant at the Zoo for example is something that is just ‘not acceptable’. When I don’t have to use the chair that was specially ordered in for me at work. When I can shout out loud ‘I AM OVERWEIGHT’ rather than ‘I AM SUPER OBESE’. To go to my next School Reunion and walk in and not have to say a word as my being there will just say it all.

I am having my ‘last meal’ tonight – I am having a big piece of lean steak, some vegies, some pan bread, some wedges and some watermelon. These are the things that I thought I’d miss the most in the next 2 months.

So, here’s the plan. Weigh day is on a Monday (I shall create a special page for weigh ins). I am not going to do my measurements at this stage – I can’t find my tape measure that is long enough (that’s not a joke – I am deadly serious). I shall buy one of these and will do measurements then. I will weigh myself when I get up on a Monday morning (around 5.15am – ick, I know). I will post it up here. FINGERS CROSSED that by next week I have shifted a few Kilograms. If not, I won’t be discouraged, I will only try harder. I will also write up what I have had to drink, when and what I ate and how much for each day. I am not only doing this as a record of my journey but also to hopefully inspire others when I succeed.

I should also mention at this point that this blog will be a ‘bear all’ write up of what I go through. Some of it might not be pleasant or what you want to read but it will be real. I am one of these people who tell it how it is. It’s not to everyone’s liking but leaving things out is of no benefit to me or those who I hope lives will be changed because of my journey.

I’m just getting used to this blog site – when I become more accustomed to it, I hope it looks a bit better than what it does! It’s quite plain at the moment. Over the months as it fills up with information, photos, stories and achievements, I will be pleased :)

I want to thank each and everyone one of you for being there for me. If you’re reading this, I’m talking to you. Your comments on Facebook, Emails, SMS messages, comments on here (I’m yet to get any – hint hint!) are great motivation for me and these are the sorts of things that are going to keep me going. Please keep them coming. I CAN DO THIS. I WILL DO THIS. I NEED TO DO THIS. I WANT TO DO THIS.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

1st appointment with Mr Jason Winnett

Today I had my first appointment with Mr Jason Winnett. It was at 3.30 and I’m always late, so it ended up being 3.45 (thanks to some rain and City traffic).

I fronted up at Reception, had a few forms to fill out and then sat in the waiting area. There were a few people sitting around. There were 3 or 4 other specialists whom treated in the same suite so it was hard to work out when it was my turn.

I was very nervous. I spent a lot of time looking in my hand bag. I tried to focus on an old issue of ‘Who’ magazine which feature story was about celebrity weight loss (shock horror!). I couldn’t concentrate. I tried to relax but instead, I sipped in my drink and continued to shuffle aimlessly through my handbag amazed at the amount of coinage that I had sitting at the bottom :)

After 15 minutes or so after waiting, my name got called. I stood up (still shaking) and Jason took me to his Office. He introduced himself and shook my hand.

He asked the question ‘so, you’re thinking about getting a lap band’ I answered that ‘no, I AM getting a lap band – I’m over thinking!’. I mentioned to him that I had stood him up twice as i hadn’t turned up to 2 of my previous appointments. He asked me why that was. I let him know that it was mainly the lack of motivation that was stopping me.

I explained to him what bought me to his office and why I had finally decided to come. I thought that I was 175 kilograms for a long time. When I went to Hospital due to my migraines, I had to be weighed for the MRI machine. The first set of scales they put me on did not register – they weighed up to 200 kilograms. I remember feeling sick to the stomach at this moment. It was half an hour later that they managed to find a set of scales that went up to 300 kilograms. I stood on them. I was shaking so much that it took them (the Nurses) a few minutes to get an accurate figure). I weighed in at 222 kilograms. I was shocked. And knew that it was time to do something. After I had finished crying, I picked up the phone and scheduled the first appointment I could to see Jason.

He was pleased that I had come to see him and not stood him up again!
He then asked me about what sort of diets I had tried. Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, IsoWhey – blah, blah, blah. They didn’t work. We discussed why. It came down to a few different things – I couldn’t identify when I was full and the fact that i ate too much of the wrong thing, didn’t eat at the right time, didn’t eat enough of the right thing, didn’t drink enough but mainly came to the point that it seemed to be that I was always hungry. I ate when I was bored, when I was emotional , when I am stressed, when I see something I want to eat, when there’s left overs – so many things that I knew I did do that I hadn’t been ready to speak about just flowed.

We spoke about Cholesterol, Diabetes, Blood Pressure, heart disease – all the sorts of things that I don’t have. He was quite shocked that I don’t have Diabetes seem as it runs through both sides of my family. Having this surgery should reverse it as well.

Down to business – the scales. Uuurrrggghhh. Even though I had a fair idea of how much I weigh, I still didn’t like the idea of having to stand on the wretched things again. When I stood on them, they said that I was 175 kilograms! I instantly thought that maybe the Hospital were wrong and almost thought that I could go home! He ended up bringing in another set of scales. I had to put one foot on 1 set and the other foot on the other set. He added up both numbers. It was around about 222 kilograms so, I sat back down rather than rushing for the car park!

My BMI worked out to be 74.

He showed me a model of a plastic stomach with the band on it. He explained that there would be 5 incisions made in my stomach and that it would take 3 – 4 hours for the band to be put in to place. I will only have to stay in Hospital overnight and will only have to have a week of work if all things go well which he seems sure that they will.

I also need to have a shake called ‘Optislim’ for 8 weeks prior to Surgery. Much to my surprise, disgust and disappointment, I found that it only comes in 2 flavours – Chocolate and Vanilla. I am going to work out a way of mixing these up to make them taste a bit better – essences and things like that – stay tuned! I have to have these 3 times a day. I need to do this for 2 months so that my liver shrinks so that he is able to get to my Stomach to put the band around. I also have to have 2 cups of green vegetables for dinner. I am going to work out how to make these taste a bit better – Oyster Sauce, Seasonings – lucky I know how to work in the Kitchen! At least my meals are catered for the next 2 months.

I need to go and see a Physician to speak about things like sleep apnoea and make sure that I don’t have that and I also need to see a dietician to make sure that I understand how to make my Optislim diet work for me and to speak to me about what to do after I have had the band put on.

This is certainly not the easy way out. This was proven to me today. The amount of commitment that this is going to take is phenomenal. But it is my time. It feels right. It is time to focus on me. Sure, I need a bit of help to do it but, I want to be here for my kids and to watch them grow up. I want to be here for my family – I don’t want to go before my Parents. I don’t want to die with no dignity. Burying someone my size is not dignified. I don’t want to go through that. And even though I’d be the one in the Coffin, I don’t want my family to go through it. It’s time to change. And it started when I stepped on those scales in the Hospital.

There are a few options on how you can pay for your lap band. I have private health insurance so, the out of pocket expenses are minimal (I’ll speak about this in another entry). You can also pay for it by drawing on your Superannuation if need be as it’s an essential surgery in my case due to my health – once again, I’ll discuss this in a totally separate section as it’s quite interesting how to see the difference if you have and if you haven’t go the health insurance.

So, all in all after today I am feeling optimistic, happy, hopeful, encouraged, a tad bit nervous but also very keen to see what type of results I am going to achieve as Jason seems to speak of half a kilo to a kilo each week as being more than achievable. To me, that’s a dream.