Thursday, October 25, 2012

Just under THAT number again...

199.9kg.  This is somewhere I've been before and was somewhere I'd hope not to be again but, it is what it is and I'm changing that.  In short, this means that I put on 30kg (thereabouts) between March and October.  And that was not good.  But like I said, it is what it is and what's done is done.  I'll lose it quicker than what I put it on but it is a minor step backwards in my weight loss journey.

I've done so well this week :) my eating has been fantastic and I have been at the Gym every day.  I worked especially hard in my training last night and I also signed up for a circuit class.  There's no better feeling than when you have finished at the Gym and you know you pushed yourself as hard as you could go and you pushed through boundaries.  I'll be a bit sore for it later on today but it was well worth it. 

I've booked my next appointment with Jason.  It's on the 8.11.2012.  At the moment, I am in what they refer to as the green zone with the band.  Things are perfect.  This does change quite frequently with me though as I have to have so many adjustments but I'll enjoy it whilst it lasts.

I'm just happy that I am on back on track again and hopefully, this is it.  I will not look back again and I'll just keep on going :)

Sunday, October 21, 2012

4.7kg down this week :)

I'm so proud of myself.  I've lost 4.7kg this week :)

I put it down to a few things.  I was quite sick (cold sick) and I had a really sore tummy all week as well.  I went to the gym once but also went for a really nice walk on the Sunday.  I also used OptiFast for 2 meals per day (on most days) and I also had my fill.  Things have been going so well this week :)

I went to the Gym today.  I am still a bit chesty so I took it a little bit easy.  I did some walking, some running and a lot of upper body work.  I'm going to feel it tomorrow.  I have written myself up a program that I am going to stick to when it comes to weights. 

For my upper body, I'll do the following...

Dumbbell Shoulder Presses - 4 sets with 8 reps
Cable upright row - 3 sets with 8 reps
Dumbbell rear delt raise - 3 sets with 8 reps
One arm cable curl - 3 sets with 8 reps
Barbell Curl - 2 sets with 8 reps
Dumbbell concentration curl - 2 sets with 8 reps
Dumbbell triceps kickbacks - 3 sets with 8 reps
One arm dumbbell triceps ext - 3 sets with 8 reps
One arm reverse push down - 3 sets with 8 reps

I haven't worked out a lower body plan yet.  I'll work that out tomorrow.  I'll alternate my weights and cardio days but will always do at least 30 minutes of cardio per session.  I know this way, I'll see some amazing results really fast.

Tonight when I did it, I took note of all the heaviness of the weights that I was using and may increase them next time depending on how I feel over the next few days.

I'm so happy that I'm back into the swing of things :) I can't wait to see myself transform.

I've also started using 'My Fitness Pal' and my name is 'iamabeetle' on there for anyone who wants to add me :)

Hope everyone has had a fantastic weekend :) I know I certainly did xo

Monday, October 15, 2012

20 minutes for 1ml...

Today I went into the City to have my fill.  I went to get some new shoes first.

I was really pleased that they had exactly the same shoes that I used to have and they were half the price that they were when I first bought them.  They were exactly my size (12) as well which was lucky.  Everything happens for a reason :)

I then went off to have my fill.  There are only 2 people who do the fills at the Imaging Centre and the Doctor who did mine today normally doesn't have a problem finding it (it's done using an X-Ray so you'd imagine that there shouldn't be a problem at all).  Today, my port was not cooperating at all.  He tried for 20 minutes before he was able to put the fill in.  And it was only 1ml that went in.  He wasn't able to find the entrance to the port and he kept getting the edge of it (which is metal) so the needles kept bending.  I didn't feel a thing.  I did have a local though which may have helped but I am relieved that I don't feel it when I have to an adjustment as I know that some people aren't so lucky :)

I don't see Jason until the 8.11.2012 and after dinner tonight, I realized that I can only just notice the difference.  It's better to go slow and steady rather than fast.  It just means that I am going to have to work extra hard on self control, portion size and exercise.  All of these things are in my control.

I went to the Gym tonight.  I can't believe how unfit I am!  I went on the Treadmill, the Cross Trainer and the Bike.  I was so hot and sweaty by the time it was over.  I can't wait until I am fit again.  I know it's going to be hard work but it's an amazing feeling.  I look forward to feeling it again.

I have put some photos of the needle that they use for the fill in my photo album as I know some people don't like the look of them.  I have also put a photo of my 'jab wounds' in there as well.  Check them out if you'd like :)

Sunday, October 14, 2012

High on emotion...

If you know me well (or I’ve just told you in passing because I think you’re special!), you’d know that I’ve been off work for the past 5 weeks.  It’s been a really trying time.  I haven’t been as productive as I’d hoped and I have let a lot of things go.  Including my desire to stick on my journey and continue losing weight.  In fact, I have put a fair bit on in the past 5 weeks.  It’s been quite a trying time.  I’ve spent most nights not being able to sleep, I’ve had nightmares, I have been high and low – it hasn’t been fun.  It got to the point where I was writing a list of 3 things that I wanted to achieve each day to ensure that I have been able to meet some goals.  It’s been shit!

I am not sure when I’m going back but I know during that time, I have a few things I want to do.  I want to give blood, rip up the shrubs outside the front of my house, finish painting the lounge room, volunteer in the Canteen at Callum’s School, finish my PT course and help make a difference in the world :)

Over the last few days, something has just clicked.  I have had enough of how I am feeling.  The downers are becoming more frequent and the uppers aren’t as ‘genuine’ as what they normally would be (I hope this makes sense!).  I’ve simply had enough.  And the fact that I am not sure about what the future holds (and I don’t really feel like thinking about it at the moment), hasn’t made things any easier.  So tonight, I went for a walk.

I walked around a track in Bacchus Marsh tonight.  I’ve walked around it a number of times.  My hips were killing me and I was quite puffed but I felt such a sense of achievement once I had done it. Each ‘section’ of the track got a little easier and I was in such a great mood by the end of it.  The Weather was lovely.  I watched the sun set as I was walking and put things into perspective.  I walked 3.25km in 43 minutes.

I can accept the things I can’t change although sometimes this is a bit tough.  But I need to continue to change the things that are in my control and find the courage to do so.  I love Pete Murray and the first verse of one of his songs called free is ‘As hard as you know you know, you will make the distance even if everything is falling down.  But don’t lose that vision and don’t lose your courage until you are standing here right with me now’.  These words make a lot of sense to me and have made me know that I can do this.  I can’t lose this.  I can’t give in.  I can’t give up.  I HAVE  to keep going.  I WILL do this.  I WANT this.

I got home and had some yogurt for dinner and I am going to get my fill either tomorrow or Tuesday.  That will fix things up.

I haven’t wanted to get my fill as I have once again fallen into the trap of eating my emotions (and I have so many of them!).  It’s shit but I can and will fix this.

I've relied on my friends over the past few weeks to get through.  Thank you all from the bottom of my heart xo you mean the world to me (especially my Trishy and Amelia and Sharon and Bec xoxo).  I am lucky that I have so much support around me and you can’t begin to understand how grateful I am for that.  You all have such a special place in my life and that is such a blessing.  Mwah xoxo

So I ask you as my gorgeous readers to hold me accountable!  If you don’t see me blog and you want to know what I’m up to, just post a comment!  I’m normally quiet when I’m not doing anything.  This is where I spill my truth and I find that hard to do at times as I don’t like owing up to the things I have been (or haven’t been) doing.

Once again, bring it on.  And hope I don’t stop moving again.  I deserve this.  Even if I don’t think I do.

P.S - Happy Anniversary Trish and Clint xo

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Keeping on track by staying focussed

When I woke up this morning, I felt so much better than what I have over the past few days.  I'm not sure if it was due to my big 'spill' last night with what I wrote or if it was simply because I know that I need to just 'keep on swimming' but I went to be at roughly 2.30am.  I got up at 5 and surprisingly, I wasn't tired.  I went to work and the day went well.

I spoke to one of my colleagues who I have such a high level of respect for and we worked out a plan of attack.  Along with trying to understand what I am up against in the way of reading and researching, I am going to do the things that helped when I 'got sick' last time.  My relaxation, writing, reading, running - things I enjoy and things that help me remain focussed.

I know too that I work best when I have a goal set.  So, I am going to try running at least half of a 4km Fun Run with some friends from work.  The mission (should I choose to accept it) is the 'Run for the Firies'.  Brendan (my work mate who did the stairs with me) has set this up as a challenge and I am really looking forward to going along with him.  His Girlfriend, Mum and some other work mates are going to participate as is my eldest Son, Lachlan.  I am going to start training for it this weekend and will start using the Couch to 5k app that I was using sometime ago to get in the swing of things.  I am not sure if I can run the whole thing but I hope to do at least half of it.  I shall track my progress here :)

I think I've made a lot of progress over the past few days.  In a lot of different aspects.  And I look forward to making more as the weeks go by.

Thank you so much for the messages of encouragement.  They have been amazing.  And those sorts of things keep me going.  I can do this - the physical, mental and emotional will all come together once again soon and then there will be nothing that can stop me (again!).

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Blah - long post

Sometimes when I start to write my blog, I know what I am going to talk about and the words just flow.  But there are other times when I write, I know what I want to write but although the words should flow, they don't.  Sometimes it's because I'm distracted by all the things going on in the house (that's what happens when you try and have 5 minutes to yourself when you've got 4 Children!).  Sometimes it's because I am not sure if what I want to say is appropriate for a public forum.  I often hold back as I end up thinking what I am writing is boring!  This is my blog and my space.  I sometimes need to just let go and write what I want and if there is back lash, deal with it when it occurs.

As most of you know, I have depression.  I also have borderline personality disorder (BPD).  Something that was diagnosed with a few years ago but the symptoms vary and many of them are ones that I have dealt with since I was quite young.  BPD is confusing.  It's tough.  It's insane.  It's like a big black cloud that just doesn't seem to blow away no matter how strong the wind is.  It sits there above me until it bursts and I can never predict what it lets go.  Lots of tears, upset, anger...  whatever the response to outburst, I am always able to cater for it.  I do a lot of drawing with chalk pastels or charcoal, boxing, different relaxation exercises, reading, running, hot showers - anything to give me something to focus on the present moment.  This takes a lot of practice but over the last few years, I've managed to tune it into a fine art.

As with any mental illness, sometimes the BPD is so unpredictable that I don't know how to react.  This can result in people around me feeling almost the same amount of frustration as what I do to what I'm going through.  Those closest to me know when I'm having a moment and even some of my friends whom I haven't met but have talked to for several years know when there's something not quite right and that's the place I've been in for the past few weeks. 

I also have an anxiety disorder.  It means taking baby steps.  Not thinking too much in advance as I can end up getting quite panicky.  I have several blockers that just pop up and stop me from doing what I want to do.  I am working through these.  Slowly. 

Mental illness doesn't discriminate.  It doesn't care who your friends are, who your family is or what you do for a job.  It doesn't care what size you are, what colour you are, if you're a girl or a boy, short or tall. 

Sometimes it's something that you can overcome.  And in my case both depression and BPD can be managed by medication, natural therapies and other techniques.  The best news for me is both of them are things that you can overcome.  But as with anything, it takes a lot of work.  And that's what I'm doing at the moment.  Working through my issues that aggravate the severity of my depression and the symptoms of BPD. 

Even though these illnesses leave you feeling as though you are alone a lot of the time, I always remind myself of the fact I have so many people around me to help me if I fall.  And that is so comforting to know because recently, I have been just hanging in there.  And it's been tough.

I'm not sure what has triggered this bout of 'crap'.  I know that BPD is like a pressure cooker.  I think that due to the fact there has been so much change recently, I've felt overwhelmed and it's come to a head. 

Where does the issue of 'weight' come into all of this?  I'm an emotional eater and when I feel awful, I tend to eat more.  Which means I put on weight. Which means I get frustrated so I eat and then I put on more weight and then I feel frustrated.  The good thing about the band is I am not able to eat as much as what I would normally and now that I love exercise, I am using exercise as an outlet for how I am feeling. 

Today was tough.  I had a tough day at work.  I've had migraines for the past week.  I also found out that someone very close to me has booked in for gastric sleeve surgery.  They have only had one appointment with one surgeon.  They are the same weight as me and I really worry that they haven't been given all the information required to make an informed decision.  This opened up my black cloud that I spoke about before.  I just started to cry.  I felt angry and confused and scared for this person.  And crying on the train isn't a good look!  Lucky the power was out on all the carriages tonight.  I don't think this person knows the risks associate with having the surgery at the weight they are.  And no matter what I say, I can't seem to convince them to get a second opinion.  I wish them nothing but health and happiness but I also know that the risks associated with me having this surgery would be the same as what they would be if they had this type of surgery. 

I felt awful expressing my concerns to this person.  I felt like I had burst their bubble.  I just want them to make sure they are doing the right thing and making the right choice.  And I can't make the decision for them but I really hope they take my advice and others if they choose to share their plan with anyone else.

I felt like going to the gym as soon as I got home but I wasn't able to as I couldn't work my pass :/ so, instead of eating my weight in chocolate, I thought I'd write about what's going on.  Everything. 

I know when I click publish I'll feel a sense of relief.  Slowly, pieces of my jigsaw puzzle come together.  These are some of the things I work on with my psychologist, Natasha. Being able to work out why I am the weight that I am and where it all came from is the best way to get rid of it.  I see her on Saturday and I look forward to chatting with her.

I'm sorry for such a long post.  I feel a bit better.  I know I have a long way to go to get out of this rut that I am in (mentally) but I am on the right track.  Everything will align again soon.  It's just a matter of pulling it in all together.  And I can do that.  Because I am me.  And I have the best people helping me pull through.  You all know who you are xo

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Under 200kg - just.

I am happy that today is behind me!

I went and saw Dr Winnett.  I haven't seen him since the 1st of March when I had my band replaced.  I told him right away that I thought that I had put on weight and he was very positive about regardless of having put some on, I will be able to lose it.  I hopped on the scales and I weighed in at 199.6kg.  I think the fact I'm under 200kg is awesome mentally due to the fact that I'm not over 200kg but I like to think that the foods that I have been eating the last few days has contributed to me being under 200kg.  Who knows.  I could have been more at one stage. 
I had 1.5ml in my band.  I was under the impression that it had been empty this whole time.  After 15 minutes or so of trying to fill my band, he said that it would be best if I went down to Olympic Imaging to have it done via X-ray as  he was not able to put the fill in.  And I know that I am to blame for it due to the fact that I have put on so much weight over the past few months.  It was getting easier for him to find the port as time went on now, he wasn't able to do it at all.
I went to Olympic Park and Peter (the man who has dealt with all of my Barium Swallows) was there.  The fill was over in a few minutes.  After it was done, the man showed me how long the needle was that he used.  It was around about 20cm long.  It was huge.  No wonder the man doing the procedure kept asking if I could feel anything.  And although I had a local anaesthetic, he was surprised that I was quite comfortable throughout the procedure. 
I got to work at 1.  And even though I'm the weight that I am, I am feeling fantastic.  I have a spring in my step.  I am happy and carefree and feeling awesome.  I can't wait to see how I'll feel once I lose a bit more weight.
It feels strange having my band filled.  I sipped on some cold water before and I had forgotten what it feels like when it slows down when it gets to that point.  I nibbled on some pretzels before (healthiest snack I could find in the vending machine at work) and had to remind myself to chew, chew, chew.  I have had about 3 tic tacs and have been grazing on small box of Sustain.  I am full after half the packet.  It's a comforting feeling knowing that I have my tool back to help me through my journey again.
My next fill will be at Olympic Park in 2 weeks and I will see Dr Winnett again in 4 weeks.  My goal in the next 4 weeks is to attempt to lose 10kg.  I want it gone (again!).  And I know that I can do it.  It's so easy to put weight on but so hard to lose it but it feels much better losing it than putting it on.  I hope to be full of energy and back to feeling fit again within a few weeks.  I used to feel like I could take on the world.  I can't wait to get back to that.  Even if it means getting up so early to achieve it, I'm after results and results will only come with hard work and determination.  And I'll get there because I deserve to.  I know I can do it. 

So much so, I'm going to go to the Gym - I'm feeling tense and I can't think of anything better to get that tension out other than some boxing and lifting some weights.
So here we go again :)

2nd August 2012

2nd August 2012

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

I think I've finally got it together :) I did say I think...

Sometimes things just click.  I can't explain it.  You wake up one day and you know that the day is different to the one that has passed.  You know that something is different but you can't put your finger on it.  It's the feeling of getting your mojo back.  The fire deep inside has started to burn again and you're ready to tackle whatever obstacle that is in front of you - in my case, a 100kg obstacle.  My last lot of weight. 

When I look at it, I am no longer disgusted by it like I was 18 months ago.  I am intrigued by its shape and its texture.  I like how it's all spongy and no longer firm.  I don't mind the wobbles and bumps and dimples anymore.  In actual fact, compared to what I used to feel like and look like - I look amazing and am finally starting to get some shape.  It's strange how it's hard to say goodbye.  But I've held onto it for long enough - especially this last few months where I have been at a stand still.

This morning, I realised that it's time. I woke up at 5.  Had a bowl of cereal.  I got to work and had my Coffee, had some Chicken and Rice for lunch.  I was in a rush for dinner but for the first time in God knows how long, I checked how many kilojoules there is in the thousand island dressing I intended putting on my salad.  I declined the 'potato boulder' as they call them (deep fried on the outside and soft and mushy in the middle) and I just took the chicken breast off my plate, chopped it up with some tomatoes cucumber and enjoyed every single bite of it.

Tonight, I also went to the Gym and signed up for 7 days to see how I go.  I am trying to work out when the best time is for me to get my exercise in is.  I don't want it to interrupt my family life but I know how important it is for me to do.  I love being at home with the Kids when I get home as I don't even see them when I leave in the morning but if I get up at 5am, go to the Gym and get to the Station by 6.20 then I'll be able to fit my work out in before I leave for work.  I think this is the best way.  We'll see how it goes.  But tomorrow, I'm looking forward to going in and shocking my heart rate monitor into gear and starting back on the Journey that I started almost 2 years ago.

I wish whatever I had I could bottle.  I'd store some away for the times when they get tough.  I might even market it so that others can benefit from how I'm feeling.  I'm happy that it's come back.  And it couldn't come at a better time.  In 2 days, I stand on those scales and I'll have a moment of truth.  And instead of feeling resentful toward my band and my journey like I did 2 days ago, I'm excited and ready to jump back on and give it all I've got.  It's 100kg.  Once it's gone, it's gone.  Once it's gone, I can see what I've got left to work with.  And I'll feel more amazing than I feel now.  And when I look in the mirror, I'll see someone I don't recognise just like I do now.

On Thursday when I get back to work after my fill, I'll take my 'Miss September' shot and post it up on here.  I'll also take my measurements that night and shall reveal the figure that is proof that I have been in a good paddock for the past few months.  I'm hoping it's not too high but I won't beat myself up if it is.

I can honestly say that for the first time in a long time I'm pumped.  Bring it on!

And I'd like to thank you all for your support.  It means the world to me.

Steph xo

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Fill 'er up...

Thursday is looming closer and I'm looking forward to it.  I am booked in for my fill and I'm looking forward to it.

My biggest concern is standing on the Scales.  I am not sure how much I have put on and given the fact BB (my scales) are incorrect, I shall await the verdict from Dr Winnett and whatever it is, I shall post up here and work back down. 

I am actually really nervous about having my fill.  Not the needle part or anything like that.  It's more so the fact that I'll have to get used to the diet of a bandit again.  I know that once I get back on the band wagon (pardon the pun), I'll feel a lot better within a few weeks, if not days. 

I've been out of the game in the last week due to an infection.  I have such a sore throat.  But I've picked up in the last few days and will be back to work on Monday.

I can't believe that it was a year ago that I climbed the stairs!  I know I would struggle to manage a few flights of stairs at the moment with the state that I'm in.  I am looking forward to changing this over the next few weeks.

I've said it before but it's hard to come out and be so honest and upfront about what is going on.  I'll look back in a few years once I've reached my goal and know that everyone has ups and downs and I suppose I am pleased that I am in the position to be able to help others in the same position and give a realistic insight to the life of someone who is overweight and struggles with the ups and downs that go with it.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I've put on weight - just not sure how much yet...

Hi everyone :) I hope everyone is well.

I have worked out that when I am quiet on here, I am normally having a 'break' from my hard work - exercise, eating right, getting to where I want to be and achieving my goals.  And today, I have come here and am forcing myself to write down stuff that I really don't want to write but am going to due to the fact that I need to get it out there...

I haven't been all that quiet in the past few months - I suppose that you'd be able to hear me munching on anything I can get my hands on if you'd seen me.  I have been eating so much food.  I have been eating when I am hungry, bored, sad, angry, sressed, happy - you know the drill.  I am almost to the point where I forget that I have a lap band.  I am happy to state that I've made an appointment to see Dr Jason Winnett on the 2nd of August where I will get a fill.  I am hoping that I have done no damage to my pouch.  I have eaten to the point where I should be full but don't feel full and it worries me that the band has slipped or something like that.  I guess there is no need to worry about something before it's time. 

I'm not pleased with my performance over the past few months.  And I don't need any 'oh dears' or anything like that.  I've slid back a fair way and will use this platform to write what I have eaten each day in hope that I can turn things around.  If you feel as though you need to make a judgemental comment - please keep it to yourself.  Losing weight is tough and no one is perfect.  No one.  And coming on here and typing this is one thing but actually typing it where I know the world can read it is another.

For breakfat this morning, I had 3 Ham and Cheese Coisonts.  For lunch, I had KFC - 2 burgers, 2 pieces of Chicken and a medium chips.  I have also eaten a whole heap of Chocolate.

I am guessing that am close to 200kg again. Which would be a shame as I have been doing so well but I can do it again.  I still think about having the sleeve done - I don't want to go through this anymore.  It's hard to explain.  I know I am in control of what I do and what I don't do but it's more than that.  It's not just physical.  It's also emotional.

I have continued seeing Natasha each weekend.  I have seen her about 7 times now.  She went on a Holiday during May.  I haven't really touched on my weight or my eating habits as yet - we are still covering a lot of other things. 

I know the things that have contribued to me going back to my old habits and a lot of them I can fix.  It's hard to admit it out loud but I need support. 

When I weighed myself this morning, it didn't really sink in.  Nor has it.  I have known that I have put a fair bit on due to the fact that my pants have stopped fitting me.  I'm back into the ones that used to be too big for me.  My bras don't fit as well and I am generally feeling yuck.  I know what I need to do to change that and by taking ownership of it is the first thing.

So, I shall click on save and publish then take a deep breath.  I knew it was never going to be easy.  I just need to make sure I don't take another little holiday from my goals and lifestyle which is effectively what I've done.  Not happy.  But am happy that I am choosing to do something about it.

Until tomorrow...

Monday, June 18, 2012

I'm still alive (just quiet)

I haven’t written anything in a while. I have actually been quite ‘bad’ as far as dieting, lifestyle, choices and drive is concerned. I suppose I shouldn’t paint everything in a negative light but I’ve identified it before that when I’m not writing on here, I’m not doing anything out there.

Life has been a bit of a blur in the past few months. A lot of changes have come about. Things that I am still getting my head around and things that I know will come together in their own time.

I need something to drag me out and up out of this rut. Not sure what it will be but I know it will come soon. I find myself surrounded by positive, inspiring and amazing people. I just need to remember why I started ‘this’ in the first place.

I’ll be back in a little bit… just need to get myself together to be able to get my words together as well…

Saturday, April 14, 2012

My first appointment with Natasha (and nudie beaches!)

I've had an amazing week :) I sit here feeling content, excited and looking forward to the coming months (and a bit icky and hung over and sorry for myself!).

It's no secret that I haven't been totally on track.  I've had a few ups and downs in the past few months and I admit it - I haven't weighed myself for a few weeks now.  I really don't want to know!  I don't think I've put anything on but if I have, it hasn't been too much.  I've been doing a wonderful job this week though in lead up to my fill - I need to make sure that it's not too much of a shock to the system when I can't eat things like chicken in a few weeks time!

I also am still trying to work out the battle of the Band Vs Alcohol - can anyone give me the answer to this to save me feeling worse than what I intended?  Last night, I had a some drinks (not several but more than a few) and I was rather tiddly.  Then I went to slightly drunk.  Then I think I balanced on tiddly for a while.  I was talking on the phone for several hours and at at around 1.30, I went to sleep feeling a bit more 'with it' but this afternoon, I have felt icky.  And although I hardly drank enough to be drunk, some of the drunk traits certainly have shone through!  One of them being my new found interest in nudie beaches (don't ask - you had to be there!).

Today I saw Natasha for the first time.  She is a psychologist whose main interest is in dealing with people who have had lap band surgery.  I've been writing a lot about finding myself and how I don't know myself at the moment.  I hope that during my sessions with Natasha, I am able to work with her to guide me through the process of working out why I got to my heaviest in the first place and move forward to enable to me to build a healthy relationship with not just those around me but more importantly, myself.  I spent an hour and a half with her today.  I will see her every week for a few months and see how it pans out.

I don't mind me.  I think I'm an okay person :) I am caring, kind, thoughtful, loving, giving, helpful, genuine, upfront - I am sure that these traits shine through to those who know me and also to those who don't.  But it's time that I ensured these qualities available to myself, not just others around me.  I have to keep reminding myself that I deserve this.  Not just remind myself of that fact but also believe it too.

It's almost like my life is on a chalk board - I have things written here and there and I have been erasing parts or putting in them in a different area to deal with later (yes - over analyzing at it's best).  I feel good about how it's looking at the moment and have managed to realize that if someone makes you ore miserable than happy, it doesn't matter how much you love them, you need to let them go or at least create that distance.

I have been feeling a lot more confident over the past few months.  I've been finding several ways to express myself and put myself out there so that I step out of that comfort zone.  Sure, it's scary but the rewards have been well worth the effort :) even things like applying for jobs (internally) have been things that I wouldn't have done 18 months ago.  Cross your fingers for me - I am waiting to hear back about one that I REALLY want.

Life's good :)

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Until we meet again xo

9 years ago, I commenced working for the Child Support Agency.  There were 16 of us in our training group.  I was lucky hat one of he girls who was in the training group with me was also someone I met at the initial interview so I sat next to her.  I scanned the room to see who else was in the training group and one of those people was Janelle.  She was so beautiful.

We did some ice breakers and I discovered that she lived a few suburbs away from me, as did one other girl and for the next 8 weeks, we all caught the train home together.  Janelle was busy organising her Wedding to her Fiance, Brett.  She'd just moved to a beautiful new house and she was so smart, funny and intelligent. 

We worked in the same team together and we had a lot of fun.  I remember measuring our butts against our cupboards to see how big they were, unjamming the printer when she was printing up her wedding invite envelopes, morning Coffee's at Calvin's Coffee Shop and when she undertook the task of making homemade Sushi for what seemed to be he whole site.

I remember her Wedding, her Olympic themed dress up party, when she told me she was pregnant with her Daughter Keirra and also when she moved away to Queensland.  I remember when she would Email me about all of the adventures she was having and I'd watch Keirra grow up on Facebook.  I was delighted when she told me she was pregnant again (actually, I had a dream about her being pregnant and I rang her and she told me she was - me and my freaky pregnancy dreams) and I was so excited when she told me that she'd given birth to baby Ethan.

I remember one day she sent me an SMS saying she wanted to talk to me about something.  I thought it must be important and hoped that Ethan was okay as it was shortly after he was born.  She said she'd call me later that night as she had an appointment to attend.  I remember the call well.  She told me that Ethan was fine but informed me that she had been told she had Cancer.  This was 3 years ago, probably to the day that I got that call.

I couldn't believe that the healthiest girl that I knew had been diagnosed with such a terrible disease.  I was shocked.  Mortified.  Stunned.  Angry.  This girl who was so fit, inside and out couldn't have such a thing.  Even when I try to digest it now, it's difficult.

Over the past 3 years, I have watched Janelle take on Cancer.  She moved back to Melbourne to be closer to her friends and family.  She has done everything she can from modern medicine to alternative medicine to beat it.  I doubt there is anything out there that she didn't try.  I have been amazed at her courage, her strength, her attitude and how she refused to give up.  Her Husband, Brett has been so supportive and so strong with her.  Beating the Cancer became a full time job and just when I spoke to him yesterday to organise a time to come over to have Coffee this afternoon so I could see Nelly.  I warned him that the Kids would be on a sugar high as I was going to get them some Easter Eggs on the way.

I had the day off work today as I had a really bad headache and slight hay fever.  When I woke up, I had a voice message from one of my friends who also knows Janelle asking her to phone me as soon as I could.  I gave myself a minute to wake up before calling her and she told me the news.  Janelle had passed away earlier today.

Even as I write this, I can't believe it.  I have had a cry.  I have eaten ice cream.  I feel so flat. 

Janelle is one of these people who didn't see people for what they looked like or what she'd heard about them on the grape vine.  She looked into you, not at you.  And I normally feel intimidated by someone who is as beautiful as her but she never made me feel any less than as beautiful as what she was.  I've never met someone like that before.  She was so glamorous but never vain.  Even over the past few days, she's looked stunning.

I have watched her over the past few months change physically as the cancer has taken hold but I have ignored all of that.  I have always just looked at her beautiful blue eyes as they haven't changed.

She was taken too soon but lived her life to the fullest.  She has a wonderful Husband, beautiful Children, a lovely family and loyal friends. 

I am blessed to have had her in my life.  And I like to know that the last memory she would have had of me was that I was coming over for a Coffee and to have some laughs and a big cuddle.

Although it hasn't been updated for a while as Brett has been so busy, the address for her blog is

I hate Cancer.  I hate it how it takes people away.  I don't understand it's selection criteria or what you can do to avoid it.  I hate it.  I think it's shit.  I will continue to raise money for cancer research. I will continue to help find a cure.  I'll do whatever I can to make sure that I know I've done my bit so people don't have to go through this. 

I love you, Nelly xo

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Finding myself again

It's late (1.30am on the 25th of March) and about half an hour ago, I got home from Karaoke.  I wanted to write this now rather than in the morning...

I was trying to work out when the last time I went to Karaoke was and I nailed it down ot when my friend Amelia was pregant with her Son, Samuel who starts School next year. 5 or 6 Karoke was one of the thigns on the top of my list if you asked me what I enjoyed doing but slowly, I ended up curling up and not going.  There were a few reasons - depression being the main one when you can't even remember what you enjoyed doing and wouldn't even have the motivation, energy or interest to go if you could remember.  Lack of time - being a Mum of 4 isn't a walk in the 'I have lots of time park'.  It's tough work and you hardly ever find enough time for all of them let alone yourself.  But as the years have gone by, so have my interests. 

Tonight I decided it was time to go out.  I haven't been out since December when Trishy and I got our hair done together.  The time before that was when it was my friend Lucy's birthday party and I came home on the train and got home before 9 due to my family commitments. 

I made a decision to go to Karaoke.  I was a bit nervous.  I sent a message to my friend, Terral and asked her if she'd like to come along (she's just up the road from the venue) and she said yes.  I had a shower, got dressed and felt like I was a 14 year old going out late for the first time!  I was so excited! 

I went to the Venue where I met Terral.  After we spoke for some time, I finally got up and sung my frist song.  It was 'Mr Jones' by the Counting Crows - one that I used to sing all the time.  One that is as comfortable as your old trackies or a daggy jumper that you wear.  But I was shaking like a leaf and kept forgetting the words.  I was so nervous.  And although I have heard the song over and over again, singing things like 'man I wish I was beautiful' and things like that made me feel rather self concious.

After I got off the stage, I was still shaking but was happy to go up again.  I sung another song that I used to sing which is 'better man' by Pearl Jam.  And I was fine this time.  I got most of the notes and felt amazing after I got off the stage.  I started to write a list of the songs that I like singing.  I looked through my iPhone to find the things that I enjoy singing in the car.  And by the time I'd finished, I had about 30 songs written down.  I'll keep them for next time.

Tonight was not just about getting up and singing some songs and watching others have a good time, it was about rediscovering who I am.  I have absorbed myself in some destructive things over the past few years such as eating, gambling, not finishing things I've started, friendships that I'd never normally develop as I was not myself, procrastinating, placing blame on others for my short comings - lots of things but I'm not here to beat myself up about it, I suppose more to lay it on the table and look at it for what it was.  And now look at it for what it is.

I have a fantastic life ahead of me.  A new journey.  So many doors to open.  Doors that I used to open over and over again without realising that one day I'd struggle to get through but now (not because of size, by the way!) but because I was too scared to open them.

It's a strange feeling coming out of my shell.  And for those who know me personally, I'm not a very shy girl but I have certainly got a lot of walls to knock down.  And I'll do it slowly.  Just as slowly as they went up.

I have so much to give back to myself and so many things that I want to do with my life.  I am so happy that I am finally able to have the courage to have the life I deserve.  And I'm hapy that it's happened early enough in life for me to truly enjoy it.

I hope al of the above makes sense.  To me it does.  And I hope it does to you too.  I'm not sure if any of how I am feeling can ever be portrayed in words but, if you could feel how excited and motivated I am right now and compre it to the person I was a year ago - more so 2 years ago, you wouldn't know me.  How could you as I am only just getting to know myself.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Back in the game :)

I saw Dr Winnett today.  He was so pleased with my progress.  My cuts have healed so well.  He was very pleased.  He gave me the green light to start exercising again - anything other than weights and core work.  And he said I am able to go swimming so that is exactly what I did.

I swam 400 meters and ended up stopping as my belly button started to hurt a bit.  I need to make sure I go slowly with this as I don't want to end up injured.  I am going to go back to the Gym again tomorrow.  I didn't do any walking or anything today as I couldn't find any of my runners ANYWHERE.  And given the fact I have 5 pairs, I am a bit worried!  I shall have a look again tonight so I can get on the treadmill and give it my best shot!

I also forgot to announce that I am the proud 'Grand Mother' of Kittens :) my Cat Dora gave birth to 3 Kittens on the weekend.  She is so clever and I am so proud of her.  She has been wonderful and has let me help with almost everything.  I am the only one in the house she doesn't hiss at :) she had 2 girls and 1 boy.  I look forward to finding them good homes in the next 10 weeks and I'm happy that is looking like it's sorted out.  It's going to be a busy few months but I am looking forward to it.

Dr Winnett is happy for me to go back to work on Monday so long as I am not sore.  He said the blood clot on my inner elbow should settle down soon.  We also spoke about tummy tucks :) I am going to have one when I am down to 100kg.  I hope that I can get down to that by this time next year.  I have big goals in sight.  I am sure I can reach them.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

11 days post Surgery... 11.4kg down :)

I've been asked by a few people now how I am... didn't realise it had been that long since I blogged!

I'm off any kind of pain killers now to do with my surgery directly.  The cuts are healing up well and they're all uncovered and have been for about a week now.  The only one that I do have my eye on is the incision near my belly button.  I had much more trouble with it last time than what I have this time which must come down the fact that I have lost so much weight.  The worst thing I have to deal with has been the lump/clot on the inside of my elbow which is still there.

Since surgery, I have lost 11.4kg.  I haven't been doing any exercise but that will change tomorrow as I feel up to going for a walk.  I am actually thiniking about going back to the gym tomorrow but I think a walk around in the fresh air would do me good. 

The hardest thing this time around with my surgery has been the eating.  I think I mentioned that in my last blog.  It's been difficult to stay diciplined and only eat (or drink) liquids but I look forward to Thursday when I am able to have pureed foods!  I'm looking forward to it.

Here is a list of the sorts of foods I've been having - I've had to think out of the square at times
- V8 Juice (liquid or frozen)
- Ribeena
- Jelly (diet)
- SPC fruit sorbet
- Sustagen gold (Optifast and I don't gel anymore!)
- 'Musashi' Slim shake products (there's only 683kj or 163cal) in each shake
- Soups (home made are the best but I have had a few cup of soups here and there)
- Runny dips (these have kept me going especially when I have needed a strong taste)
- Chocolate (this melts!)
- Water (not as much as I should have)
- Herbal tea
- Milo
- Frozen yogurt
- Snow cones with diet cordial

I still can't recommend the Knife, fork and band book as the best book out there for bandits from Optifast stage right through to when you get back onto normal food. 

I have had to think of things that I can chew as you get sick of not eating things and stuff does become very boring.  I've also found that I have a sore tummy due to the fact that I am not eating anything solid.  I am on medication to make things a little more 'comfortable' (if that makes sense!).

I am enjoying this second chance.  Although I did everything right with my first band, I am finding this very beneficial.  It's forced me back into a routine and has helped me get rid of that weight that has been sitting there since I had my fill removed late last year when the problems with my band started to emerge.

I haven't been hungry at all.  I have actualy had to remember to eat which has sometimes been a bit of a challenge. 

Looking forward to seeing Dr Winnett on Thursday and am looking forward to returning to work next Monday.  It's been a long few weeks - especially the ones when I was in pain.  Happy that is behind me.

Over the next few days, I'll be updating my blog's tabs as I think some of the links are out of date.  If you think of anything you'd like to see or would find helpful, let me know.  Also, if you are a follower of my blog and you have your own weight loss blog that you'd like me to add to my list of blogs, feel free to post it as a comment and I'll put it up :)

Hope everyone is well :)

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Still sore but I'm getting there...

I am really sore.  I have really bad shoulder tip pain and I didn't have this last time that I had surgery.  It is awful.  I have had it for days now.  It doesn't come and go - it's always there in one way or another but the pain does increase and decrease.  I don't even have to be doing anything for it to do that.

 I phoned Dr Winnett's rooms this morning and she said to me to try some Peppermint Tea.  I have had 2 cups of it and the first cup made me hiccup.  Hiccupping hurts SO MUCH.  I was in tears.  The second cup made it worse.  I have also had some degas which was also suggested and that has done nothing.

I went to see my Doctor this afternoon and he prescribed me some more pain killers and some more anti biotics.

My wounds have healed up really well except for the fact that I end up with red welts all around the outside of them due to the dressings that have been used there.  I have been prescribed some cream as they are rather nasty.  For some reason, no sticky stuff likes me!

I am so happy the Surgey is over though.  Had I have not been experiencing these things, I'd probably consider going back to work tomorrow but I don't want to sit there and not be able to get comfortable.  At least at home I have the luxuary of picking the bed or the couch or a stool to sit on and I can have a shower if need be which seems to help more than tea or degas for the pain at the moment. 

I started reading 'eating in the light of the moon' last night.  I got through the first few pages before I fell asleep from being exhausted (I was up until 2am this morning because of the pain).  The start of it is very well written.  I look forward to reading some more of it this evening.

I tried going for a small walk this afternoon but didn't have much luck!  I was sore after it - mainly due to the shoulder tip pain but other than that, I am doing well for not even a week after Surgery.  I have been writing my weight down each morning and am dropping almost a kilo a day!  It has been lovely.  I can't wait to see the numbers when I'm up and exercising.  I am really looking forward to saying goodbye to this last lot of weight.  There isn't a lot that is going to stop me.

I am also undertaking quite a huge physical task in July.  I shall write more about it in the next few weeks once all the details have been finalised.  I am very excited.  It's bigger than anything I have ever done and even bigger than what I'd dare to dream.  It was all my Sister's idea and I am lucky she asked me to come along for the ride.  Watch this space :)

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Day 2 post Surgery

Today I'm day 2 post Surgery and I'm feeling pretty good. 

I have kept up with my pain killers and have made sure that I don't get too sore.  I didn't have the best sleep last night - I kept tossing and turning as I was trying to stay on my back - a position I don't like sleeping in.  I ended up working out a way that I could roll over onto my side and be comfortable with the assistance of pillows.

My cuts aren't that sore.  It's more so my shoulder.  I have had heat packs on and off.  I've had 3 showers today to get rid of the pain.  The Twins have resisted the temptation of jumping on me too which is good as it would hurt!

I haven't slept all day - I have spent most of the day in bed under the doona reading.  It's been perfect Weather to do so :) I have become a Kindle addict.  One of my friends, Chantal tried to convince me to buy a Kindle ages ago when I was whinging about the fact that I couldn't fit all of my books on the shelf.  I have been scouring Amazon for some free titles and have found few.  I am currently reading Picture Perfect by Jodi Picoult.  I have read a lot of her books and haven't had the chance to sit down and actually read it at the pace in which most of her novels should be read (not being able to put it down!).  I don't know how I managed to live my life before I got my iPad2!  It has opened up a whole new world to me!  And has helped me fulfill my book fetish.  I can get as many books as I want and they're all free (although I do admit to buying 1 or 2).  I wouldn't have considered reading some of the ones that I have downloaded but I have really enjoyed them.

I made some soups today and have put them in the freezer for dinner.  I will make another few tomorrow as well.  I made curried pumpkin and red lentils as well as potato and leek.  They are so nice.  I have just sealed them up in freezer bags and put them in the freezer.  I have around 9 in there which will keep me going for a while but seem as I am on the fluids for 2 weeks, I'd like to make sure I have more in there.  Tomorrow, I'll be having a drinking yogurt for Breakfast, a strawberry smoothie for lunch and some minestrone soup for dinner.  I am using the Knife, Fork and Band book to get my recipes out of and know that I won't get bored until the end.

My tummy has been growling a lot.  I forgot to ask Dr Winnett if he put in any fluid when he put the new band in.  I think that he did but I can't be 100% sure.  I'd love to see if I can go back to work on Wednesday.  I'll have to see how I go.

I think one of the hardest things for me during this has been not eating food.  Before I was banded the last time, I was used to not eating food as I had been doing the Optifast for so long but now, I have gone from being able to eat normal things one day to not being able to eat normal foods the next.  I am not hungry but I have to remind myself that no, I can't try that piece of meat from the casserole or eat the rice to see if it's cooked.  Little things like that.  I am sure I'll get used to it over the next few days.

Once again, thank you all for the messages over the past few days.  It's appreciated.  I'll put some photos up of my surgery when I get them.  I forgot to get them from the Hospital so I'll ask them to send them to me.  I'll also put some photos of my battle scars when I change the dressings tomorrow but this will be marked with a warning as I know my Mother couldn't think of anything worse!

I'm going to go and watch a movie now.  I could get used to this 'no doing anything' but know that it won't last for long!

Friday, March 2, 2012

Banded (take 2)

Yesterday I went in for my lap band to be replaced.

It wouldn't be me going somewhere if I wasn't running late.  I was almost half an hour late but this didn't effect were I was placed on the list as Dr Winnett was running a little bit late as well. 

I met my anesthetist to being with.  I had a different one this time.  His name is Leo and he was quite nice.  He asked me if I had any questions  and considering I've had about 20 general anaesthetics, the only thing that I did raise was the fact that I vomit after an anesthetic.

I was measured up for some TED stockings.  This was fantastic as this time they actually had some that fit me whereas last time they didn't.  I even managed to get into some thigh high ones.  This is when I realised how much weight I had lost. 

I had to put a Hospital gown on and was also presented with some disposable underwear which I didn't even bother trying on.  They looked more like a hat than undies!  I was then taken into a holding bay where I waited for about 45 minutes.  I was busy texting and Emailing.  It was a fantastic distraction chatting to Trishy xo I also Emailed Mum just telling her that I loved her (she already knew) but, I wanted her to know.

It was 4pm when I was wheeled into the Theatre.  I've got pin pricks up and down my arm from where Leo was trying to put the needle in (8, to be exact).  That was nut fun.  After that, they put the Oxygen on me and then the gas and then I fell off to sleep.

When I woke up, I was sweating and vomiting.  It was about 8.30pm.  I felt awful.  I had the shakes and was in pain and was quite disorientated.  Eventually, I got myself to a point where I feel comfortable.  I think it was when they were rounding up 5 people to put me on a hover board so I could change beds.  I didn't want anyone to have to lift me so, I happily slid.across and was then bought to my room.  I still had nasal prongs in as my Oxygen level was quite low and I had a really croaky voice.  I also had terrible shoulder tip pain.  I asked for a heat pack and I had it changed over for several hours until the pain went.

I got up pretty much right away.  I remember that is one thing that helped me was moving as much as possible.  Sure, it ached a little bit but if you can keep your chest clear and your legs moving, you will recover a lot quicker. 

I got hardly any sleep last night as I was being woken up every half an hour for obs.  I had my own room so at least it was a bit quiet when I was able to get sleep.

Jason came around this morning at 6.30am with the 'other Jason' who assisted in the operation.  Jason said that everything went fine and that I had a medium pouch.  Everything has been fixed up, including the hiatus hernia that they first discovered when I was 20..

I had a barium swallow this morning.  It was revolting as I hadn't had anything since 10pm on Wednesday night.  They (the barium swallows) are never nice but, after fasting and having one first thing was not the highlight of my day!  Everything looked fine with my band and I was discharged at around 1pm. 

It is great to be home.  I am sitting in my recliner, I have fallen asleep about 6 times since I started this as the pain killers I am on are really strong.  I am going to have some soup for dinner - I'll be using my 'knfie, fork and band' book which is what I used first time that I had surgery.  I highly recommend this book to anyone who is at any stage of their lap banding journey.  It covers from Opti Fast through to normal foods and it is full of variety and also has menus so you never get stuck when you are trying to think of something to Cook. There are a few sites that you can get it from but the price doesn't differ all that much.  To have a look at it, check out by going to

So, it's now time to recover and start off slowly again.  I am going to read 'The Lapband Solution' by Paul O'Brien again as well to remind myself of what I should and shouldn't be doing.  You have to be so careful during the first stage.  If you are wanting to check out his book, there are 2 versions of it - the first version and then the revised and updated version which also comes with a DVD.  You can check it out here...

Thank you all for the messages of support that I have received over the past few days.  It's a lovely feeling to know that there are so many people looking out for you. 

So, here's to the next stage of my journey :)

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Melton Relay for Life 2012

This Relay for Life was my 3rd Relay and although I probably shouldn't have done it, I did.  I did (give or take) 21 laps.  I was keeping track on my phone with my lap counter however, didn't add in some at the start or a few at the end.  I know that I am still feeling it a bit and it's 2 days on!  It was an amazing experience and I'm looking forward to the next one that I participate in which will probably be Frankston (unless someone ropes me in earlier).

I have an amazing friend named Terral.  It was her first Relay for Life this year.  I asked her if she didn't mind writing something up about her experience.  She has been on such a fantastic journey over the past 12 months.  I am so proud of her.  And I was so inspired by the challenge that she set for herself and how she accomplished it...

Hi! My name is Terral. On the 26th February 2012 I participated in my very 1st Relay for Life due to my friendship with Stephanie. In June 2006, my life was affected by Cancer with the passing of my father who had been diagnosed 3 months prior. But this challenge wasn’t just about my support for the Cancer Council but also my fight against obesity, which has been documented can contribute to the Cancer gene. I have struggled with my weight from childhood. But in saying that there were people around me who accepted me for the way I was & who I was. Yes, I copped a heap of torment going thru school, at home from my brother & worst of all, my mother. Losing my father so suddenly was a culture shock to do something about my weight. I lost it & found it again. More recently with the added incentive & inspiration of Stephanie, I have managed to lose some weight over the last 10 month period . So, I set myself the challenge to complete 36 laps of the Melton Tabcorp Park trotting track which is 1.04 kilometres in length & therefore would equate to 37.44 kilometres in the 18 hour period of the Relay for Life event. For someone who hadn’t really been to active previously I considered this was a large feat. How did I come to this goal? Well I guess it was abit of a mistake. I considered with the event starting at 4pm on the Saturday & finishing on the Sunday at 10am that it was only a 6 hour period (10 minus 4). It was a long day at work & the brain was fried. As per the literature we received on the Monday night prior it stated that a lap would take between 7 – 12 minutes to complete.  Therefore, I considered I should be able to complete a lap in 10 minutes meaning 6 laps an hour for 6 hours making my goal 36 laps. Being more realistic, it took me approximately 12 - 15 minutes to complete each lap. The heat of Saturday 38 degrees was nearly my undoing after only 8 laps which were completed in internals of 2, 2 & 4 when I felt light headedness. A lay down & rehydration with glucose & electrolytes solved this along with water. I wasn’t going to let down my team or those people who had sponsored me. Beside me along the way for the greater proportion of my laps was my boyfriend who doesn’t exercise for any reason or 1 of my friends who had surgery within the last fortnight. Laps 32, 33, 34 & 35 I pounded the track by myself but the last lap my fellow team members joined me to celebrate my achievement. Thank you again it was the encouragement I needed to do that last lap. All our lives are destined to be touched by someone who suffers from cancer & would recommend supporting the cause to anyone.

I am putting Terral's link to her Relay for Life donation page below so that you can donate if you'd like.  I still can't believe she did 36 laps.  She had a pace on her as well!  When we did the last lap with her. we were all in agony but she was strutting along.  It was amazing to study our silhouette's in the sunshine as well.  She has the most gorgeous curves and looked like a super model as she was walking down the track.  I am so inspired by her. 

Thank you to Terral, Jeff, Ricky, Sarah, Lachlan and Callum for being part of the Melton Relay for life 2012.  It was fantastic to do it with you and can't wait until we do it again.  Proud of you, honey xoxo

Here is Terral's donation link - click on it!  I will be...

2 sleeps until surgery!

2 sleeps until Surgery!  I haven't really thought about it that much (despite the Countdown on Facebook).  And I'm not really worried about it.

I lost 3.8kg this week - I am sure that was due to the relay for life on the weekend (shall update about that later - think I have a guest blogger to tell of their amazing achievements!).

I know I have said this a lot but I really look forward to getting back to where I should be which is back on track. 

Over the weekend, I spoke to several people who have had gastric sleeve and if this band doesn't work and I have to end up having a third, I will have a sleeve for sure.  I know that it works.  It's just a matter of weighing up the risks at the moment and the risks for me at this point in time are a little too much.  Thank you so much to everyone who has given me advice and suggestions over the past few weeks.  I really appreciate it xo

I shall update everyone with how my surgery went on Friday - I will be way too groggy to write anything on Thursday night (although it would be a funny read!).  I expect to be in a fair bit of pain like I was last time and have stocked the fridge with things that are friendly for me to have like I said I was going to.  I also have some good DVD's to watch whilst I recover.  I don't plan on sitting on my butt for too long.  I shall go for a little walk on Monday so long as I am feeling okay.  I plan on getting back into it right away.

I'll weigh myself on Thursday morning before I go to the Hospital and look forward to seeing how well I've done in the 2 weeks that I am on fluids for.  I am hoping for a fantastic loss.

See you on the other side...

Friday, February 24, 2012

Relay for Life tomorrow!

This week has been rather uneventful.  I have been in a bit of pain and have been vomitting quite a lot.  I find that I have a fair bit of reflux and am now really looking forward to getting my band replaced.  6 sleeps to go! 

Like I've said, I am looking forward to continuing my banding journey and getting the rest of this weight off.  I have just under 100kg to loose still.  And I want it gone.  My weight loss has really been at a stand still over the past few months due to the problems I've had and I can't wait until I'm all ready to go again.

That book 'eating by the light of the moon' arrived yesterday.  I am looking forward to reading it.

Tomorrow, I'll be participating in my 3rd relay for life.  It is going to be 37 degrees!  I am realy looking forward to getting out there and getting the job done!  It is going to be quite hot for the first 5 hours or so until the sun goes down completly.  I am working out ways on how I can help keep my team cool!  One of them is a small baby pool full of ice and water to dip out towels in.  I'll also bring some ice packs and plenty of drinks. 

If you haven't yet donated (or are one of the many who said they will but haven't had the chance yet), please go to as every cent counts.  Lachlan and Callum are doing the relay with me again.  I think it's a fantastic oppertunity for them to be able to understand what cancer takes and how you are able to give back.  I am proud of them.  I wonder if Lachie will be able to stay up all night like he has the last 2?  Callum has gone to sleep at around about 4.  Either way, Sunday is always written off as we just sleep!

I also have an appointment with a psychologist to talk to about my weight.  I am looking forward to catching up with them and going through some issues surrounding my weight and why I am where I am.  This has been such a journey and as I have said a few times, I don't know myself at the moment.  I am looking forward to being able to reclaim some of that over the next few months. 

I have been thinking a lot about working out what I want to do in the next few years.  I have never been one to do a 2 year plan or anything like that but I want to work toward a goal.  I think this would help keep me focussed and on track and perhaps it will encouarge me not to have so many 'stand still' moments. 

Wish me luck for tomorrow and I'll post after the relay!  If I'm not a shrivveled up prune from being in the heat for so long!

Monday, February 20, 2012

5 sleeps until Melton Relay for Life 2012

Only 5 sleeps until the relay!  I am really excited.  It is going to be an awesome night.  I just got back from the pre relay meeting and they have some fantastic things lined up.  Terryl and Rick are aiming high and are going for 36 laps each!  The track is just over 36km long.  I have no doubt that they'll be able to do it.  I am going to try and match them.  We have an awesome team and I really look forward to participating in my 3rd Relay for Life.  Lachlan and Callum are pumped as usual.  They get so much out of the Relay.  I wonder if Callum will walk as much as he has in the past years?  It is a music theme so I am happy I bought him his Michael Jackson glove today :) he'll be in his element.

Please sponsor me!  I'll stop asking once I hit my target of $200!

If everyone who visted my blog each day donated $1, I'd raise about $240!  And that would be fantastic :)

It's also only 8 sleeps until my surgery.  I've been trying not to think about it.  I've had other things on my mind in the recent weeks that seem to take up a lot more of my time than worrying about my surgery.  I am feeling a lot better though now that I am out of pain. 

Stay tuned for my February pics that I took at the start of the month and of course the relay photos that I'll post after the event.

I'm enjoying being able to eat some different types of foods - I enjoyed a salad roll on the weekend and even munched on 2 points of sandwiches tonight at the Relay for Life meeting.  Oh how I miss bread!  I shall enjoy it whilst it lasts which won't be long at all...

Hope everyone had an awesome Monday :)

Saturday, February 18, 2012

12 days to go :)

12 days to go until Surgery.  I have had a rather productive day.  I have been cleaning a lot and mainly folding clothes.  It's great to have a lot of energy and be pain free especially after I've been uncomfortable for so long.

I am trying to work out how to make things a bit easier for me when I get home.  I also need to remember what I packed in my bag before going to Hospital.  I have written a list here as some other people might find it handy.  Given the fact that I expect I won't have any complications (like last time), I packed lightly.  I didn't need a lot - I was more interested in trying to count how many fingers I had rather than struggling with the difficulty of keeping awake due to the pain killers although in saying that, it's nice to have some things just in case of being distracted.

My bag for Hospital will inlcude

2 pairs of soft PJ pants
2 light tops
2 bras or crop tops (and if you can, bras that do up at the front are awesome so you don't have to stretch)
Thongs (I HATE slippers but if you're a slipper person, this is where you would put slippers!)
Shower gel and sponge (or soap if you're a soap person)
Mobile phone (and charger!)
Books or Magazines
iPad or Kindle or some other kind of electronic amusement
Pen and pad (so you can write anything down that you might want to ask your Doctor)
Water bottle (saves having to keep reaching for the jug and pouring a glass)
Barley sugars or some other lolly to keep your blood sugar happy
A book about lap banding - this ends up almost being like a manual to your band and what to expect
Loose fitting clothes to go home in

I think that's about all I took last time.  I spent most of the time in my undies and a Hospital Gown but anything you wear, it's nice to have loose fitting as you don't want anything too tight like jeans.  The lowest incision is on the belly button so even some daggy granny undies or boxer shorts are ideal so that they don't cut in or make you feel uncomfortable.  Remember - we are having surgery, not starring in the Victoria's Secret runway show (yet...).

It's going to be a busy week in my household the week after I've had surgery.  I am going to preplan and cook all of the meals (where possible) so that we are as organised as possible.  I am not allowed to drive for around 2 weeks (this does vary between surgeons).  It is also important to keep up your fluids after the surgery so that everything continues to work well. 

I am lucky this time around that I know what to expect after banding.  I am going to have to do the 2 weeks of fluids, then 2 weeks of mushies (baby food texture) then normal foods.  I am going to plan out what I am going to eat - last time I had very little idea of what I would feel like or want - this time I know to make the soup BEFORE going into Hospital and freeze it rather than making it the day I come out (ouch!).

Back to cleaning I suppose...

And if you haven't already, please consider making a donation to my relay for life which is this weekend.  Every cent helps :)