Day 75 - reality checks...

I was SO embarrassed when I got up this morning!  Look at my neck...

The marks are as a result of an allergic reaction that I've had to the tape they used to tape the wires on.  They look like hickeys!  I ended up wearing my hair in a pony tail and pulling it to one side today to cover up the biggest one that is on my right shoulder.  They are a lot darker in real life than what they are in the photo - I hope they fade soon :/

Last night I did quite well with my CPAPing.  I have named my machine Herbert.  I woke up at 4.20am and I had taken my mask off (and turned the machine off) so, I put it back on and went back to sleep.  The machine tells me how long I had been on it for and it was for 4 and a half hours (from memory). I did pretty well for my first night :) if I am compliant, a smiley face comes up in the corner on the screen after a month.  Very excited!

I got on the train this morning to go to work and as usual, I didn't get a seat.  The ticket inspector told me that there were seats in the front carriage (the one up from mine) so, when we got to the next stop, I jumped in to the next carriage to find that the seats were all the way up the other end.  I am unable to walk past the seats as I don't fit in between them.  For 10 minutes or so, I watched these 2 spare seats just well, sitting there!  I couldn't do anything.  When we arrived at the next stop, I was going to jump out and change doors however someone had already taken them.  I was distracted along the way as I felt a bit upset.  Not overly but, just a bit annoyed - yet another thing to add to my list of things I want to be able to do once I have lost weight.

I ended up going to one of my friends houses tonight.  I caught the train out to Mum's and I was going to borrow her car to drive to Loz's house.  I was extremely grateful for this because it would save me getting a taxi or asking Mum to come and pick me up.  I headed out the front door and got in the car.  I couldn't work out how to put the seat back so I called Mum and she did it for me.  I got in and realised quite quickly that I wasn't going anywhere.  I didn't fit in the drivers seat of the car.  The steering wheel did not move.  I was pretty much jammed.  Mum said she'd drive me there so she went inside and got her bag.

I started to cry.  I didn't know how else to react to the situation.  Sure, I am losing weight, I am doing things so that I am able to fit into other people's cars, I am making that change and that effort BUT it doesn't make a difference in that moment.  We ended up stopping at Maccers so I could buy my salad so I had something to eat for tea.  I also had my Cappuccino Optifast bar with me.

I had a great night at Loz's house.  It was nice to chill out and spend time with my friends.  I didn't have anything to drink as you're not allowed to do this when you're on Optifast but it was great watching them all play dodge ball on the trampoline, dance like they weren't being watched and generally doing what people who have been drinking do best - being silly!

It got to 10.50 and Loz had ran out of drinks.  As I was the only sober one there, I offered to go to the bottle shop and pick some up for her.  I had told her about the experience I had in Mum's car earlier so she lifted the steering wheel, lowered the chair, moved it back as far as it would go.  And even in her big 4wd - I STILL struggled to fit.  The steering wheel JUST moved and that was because I was sucking my tummy in.  I got the drinks and came back.  I couldn't even park her car in the garage as I wouldn't have been able to get out. 

I didn't cry about this.  I am just thankful that I had the experience with Mum's car so I knew what to expect.  I would have never thought that I've gotten so bad that I couldn't even drive someone elses car.  It was certainly a wake up call.  I still feel in some way that I am watching someone else go through this.  This can't be happening to me.  And although I know it is, it's hard to watch me go through it.  I hate it.

Anyway, I'm back at Mum's now.  I am off to bed in a minute.  I had a really good night and it was great to spend some time with my friends WITHOUT Children!  :)  I don't do it enough.  I missed them but, I need my time as well.  I forget that.

I have a few more things to add to my list of things I want to be able to do when I've lost my weight - driving other people's cars without worrying about fitting in the drivers seat is something I never thought I'd add but hey, lots of things that I didn't think would happen have on this journey.  They're all happening for a reason.  And I am grateful for the experience.  It's keeping me honest and on track.

Night all xo