Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Blah - long post

Sometimes when I start to write my blog, I know what I am going to talk about and the words just flow.  But there are other times when I write, I know what I want to write but although the words should flow, they don't.  Sometimes it's because I'm distracted by all the things going on in the house (that's what happens when you try and have 5 minutes to yourself when you've got 4 Children!).  Sometimes it's because I am not sure if what I want to say is appropriate for a public forum.  I often hold back as I end up thinking what I am writing is boring!  This is my blog and my space.  I sometimes need to just let go and write what I want and if there is back lash, deal with it when it occurs.

As most of you know, I have depression.  I also have borderline personality disorder (BPD).  Something that was diagnosed with a few years ago but the symptoms vary and many of them are ones that I have dealt with since I was quite young.  BPD is confusing.  It's tough.  It's insane.  It's like a big black cloud that just doesn't seem to blow away no matter how strong the wind is.  It sits there above me until it bursts and I can never predict what it lets go.  Lots of tears, upset, anger...  whatever the response to outburst, I am always able to cater for it.  I do a lot of drawing with chalk pastels or charcoal, boxing, different relaxation exercises, reading, running, hot showers - anything to give me something to focus on the present moment.  This takes a lot of practice but over the last few years, I've managed to tune it into a fine art.

As with any mental illness, sometimes the BPD is so unpredictable that I don't know how to react.  This can result in people around me feeling almost the same amount of frustration as what I do to what I'm going through.  Those closest to me know when I'm having a moment and even some of my friends whom I haven't met but have talked to for several years know when there's something not quite right and that's the place I've been in for the past few weeks. 

I also have an anxiety disorder.  It means taking baby steps.  Not thinking too much in advance as I can end up getting quite panicky.  I have several blockers that just pop up and stop me from doing what I want to do.  I am working through these.  Slowly. 

Mental illness doesn't discriminate.  It doesn't care who your friends are, who your family is or what you do for a job.  It doesn't care what size you are, what colour you are, if you're a girl or a boy, short or tall. 

Sometimes it's something that you can overcome.  And in my case both depression and BPD can be managed by medication, natural therapies and other techniques.  The best news for me is both of them are things that you can overcome.  But as with anything, it takes a lot of work.  And that's what I'm doing at the moment.  Working through my issues that aggravate the severity of my depression and the symptoms of BPD. 

Even though these illnesses leave you feeling as though you are alone a lot of the time, I always remind myself of the fact I have so many people around me to help me if I fall.  And that is so comforting to know because recently, I have been just hanging in there.  And it's been tough.

I'm not sure what has triggered this bout of 'crap'.  I know that BPD is like a pressure cooker.  I think that due to the fact there has been so much change recently, I've felt overwhelmed and it's come to a head. 

Where does the issue of 'weight' come into all of this?  I'm an emotional eater and when I feel awful, I tend to eat more.  Which means I put on weight. Which means I get frustrated so I eat and then I put on more weight and then I feel frustrated.  The good thing about the band is I am not able to eat as much as what I would normally and now that I love exercise, I am using exercise as an outlet for how I am feeling. 

Today was tough.  I had a tough day at work.  I've had migraines for the past week.  I also found out that someone very close to me has booked in for gastric sleeve surgery.  They have only had one appointment with one surgeon.  They are the same weight as me and I really worry that they haven't been given all the information required to make an informed decision.  This opened up my black cloud that I spoke about before.  I just started to cry.  I felt angry and confused and scared for this person.  And crying on the train isn't a good look!  Lucky the power was out on all the carriages tonight.  I don't think this person knows the risks associate with having the surgery at the weight they are.  And no matter what I say, I can't seem to convince them to get a second opinion.  I wish them nothing but health and happiness but I also know that the risks associated with me having this surgery would be the same as what they would be if they had this type of surgery. 

I felt awful expressing my concerns to this person.  I felt like I had burst their bubble.  I just want them to make sure they are doing the right thing and making the right choice.  And I can't make the decision for them but I really hope they take my advice and others if they choose to share their plan with anyone else.

I felt like going to the gym as soon as I got home but I wasn't able to as I couldn't work my pass :/ so, instead of eating my weight in chocolate, I thought I'd write about what's going on.  Everything. 

I know when I click publish I'll feel a sense of relief.  Slowly, pieces of my jigsaw puzzle come together.  These are some of the things I work on with my psychologist, Natasha. Being able to work out why I am the weight that I am and where it all came from is the best way to get rid of it.  I see her on Saturday and I look forward to chatting with her.

I'm sorry for such a long post.  I feel a bit better.  I know I have a long way to go to get out of this rut that I am in (mentally) but I am on the right track.  Everything will align again soon.  It's just a matter of pulling it in all together.  And I can do that.  Because I am me.  And I have the best people helping me pull through.  You all know who you are xo


  1. I too suffer from depression and I know the feeling of being alone but having people around you. I have wanted to end my life several times. It is a hard thing to overcome. I have not yet but I hope you can. You sound like you are close. You are so brave. Good luck x

  2. Awww..
    I am sorry you are having such a hard time of things. I just want to cuddle all the worries away. And even though it doesn't feel like it right now, your shiny balls *are* still working as you wouldn't have had the courage to post and confront some of the things that you have this year, in years past. And whilst it sucks that you seem to be going through this neverending pile of crap (the negative bits are easier to remember) you are moving forward and have done some amazing things, met some extraordinary people, inspired others, touched other's lives, had the opportunity to give and receive love and had some very happy times - so don't forget that!!
    And I am here for you through thick and thin, obese and not so obese (LOL), darkness & light.
    And as for mental illness, you know this is something that I get on my soapbox about. We really need to remove the shame and stigma from mental illness. There are many people who suffer from chronic illnesses like asthma, lupus, diabetes or eds where things either do not function as they should or there things are out of whack yet they rarely are discriminated against for having these things. Mental illness works in exactly the same way, so why is there such stigma in having a mental illness? It makes me sad. If people were up-front about having issues then it would be more out in the open, people would not feel so isolated and the stigma and shame would be reduced. Statistics show that a large portion of people do experience some issues with their mental health in their lifetime so if we were more understanding and compassionate to eachother we would be much healthier and happier for it. Xx
    PS: My last-night's lost post was much better written! :(

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