Sunday, March 25, 2012

Finding myself again

It's late (1.30am on the 25th of March) and about half an hour ago, I got home from Karaoke.  I wanted to write this now rather than in the morning...

I was trying to work out when the last time I went to Karaoke was and I nailed it down ot when my friend Amelia was pregant with her Son, Samuel who starts School next year. 5 or 6 Karoke was one of the thigns on the top of my list if you asked me what I enjoyed doing but slowly, I ended up curling up and not going.  There were a few reasons - depression being the main one when you can't even remember what you enjoyed doing and wouldn't even have the motivation, energy or interest to go if you could remember.  Lack of time - being a Mum of 4 isn't a walk in the 'I have lots of time park'.  It's tough work and you hardly ever find enough time for all of them let alone yourself.  But as the years have gone by, so have my interests. 

Tonight I decided it was time to go out.  I haven't been out since December when Trishy and I got our hair done together.  The time before that was when it was my friend Lucy's birthday party and I came home on the train and got home before 9 due to my family commitments. 

I made a decision to go to Karaoke.  I was a bit nervous.  I sent a message to my friend, Terral and asked her if she'd like to come along (she's just up the road from the venue) and she said yes.  I had a shower, got dressed and felt like I was a 14 year old going out late for the first time!  I was so excited! 

I went to the Venue where I met Terral.  After we spoke for some time, I finally got up and sung my frist song.  It was 'Mr Jones' by the Counting Crows - one that I used to sing all the time.  One that is as comfortable as your old trackies or a daggy jumper that you wear.  But I was shaking like a leaf and kept forgetting the words.  I was so nervous.  And although I have heard the song over and over again, singing things like 'man I wish I was beautiful' and things like that made me feel rather self concious.

After I got off the stage, I was still shaking but was happy to go up again.  I sung another song that I used to sing which is 'better man' by Pearl Jam.  And I was fine this time.  I got most of the notes and felt amazing after I got off the stage.  I started to write a list of the songs that I like singing.  I looked through my iPhone to find the things that I enjoy singing in the car.  And by the time I'd finished, I had about 30 songs written down.  I'll keep them for next time.

Tonight was not just about getting up and singing some songs and watching others have a good time, it was about rediscovering who I am.  I have absorbed myself in some destructive things over the past few years such as eating, gambling, not finishing things I've started, friendships that I'd never normally develop as I was not myself, procrastinating, placing blame on others for my short comings - lots of things but I'm not here to beat myself up about it, I suppose more to lay it on the table and look at it for what it was.  And now look at it for what it is.

I have a fantastic life ahead of me.  A new journey.  So many doors to open.  Doors that I used to open over and over again without realising that one day I'd struggle to get through but now (not because of size, by the way!) but because I was too scared to open them.

It's a strange feeling coming out of my shell.  And for those who know me personally, I'm not a very shy girl but I have certainly got a lot of walls to knock down.  And I'll do it slowly.  Just as slowly as they went up.

I have so much to give back to myself and so many things that I want to do with my life.  I am so happy that I am finally able to have the courage to have the life I deserve.  And I'm hapy that it's happened early enough in life for me to truly enjoy it.

I hope al of the above makes sense.  To me it does.  And I hope it does to you too.  I'm not sure if any of how I am feeling can ever be portrayed in words but, if you could feel how excited and motivated I am right now and compre it to the person I was a year ago - more so 2 years ago, you wouldn't know me.  How could you as I am only just getting to know myself.

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