Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I've put on weight - just not sure how much yet...

Hi everyone :) I hope everyone is well.

I have worked out that when I am quiet on here, I am normally having a 'break' from my hard work - exercise, eating right, getting to where I want to be and achieving my goals.  And today, I have come here and am forcing myself to write down stuff that I really don't want to write but am going to due to the fact that I need to get it out there...

I haven't been all that quiet in the past few months - I suppose that you'd be able to hear me munching on anything I can get my hands on if you'd seen me.  I have been eating so much food.  I have been eating when I am hungry, bored, sad, angry, sressed, happy - you know the drill.  I am almost to the point where I forget that I have a lap band.  I am happy to state that I've made an appointment to see Dr Jason Winnett on the 2nd of August where I will get a fill.  I am hoping that I have done no damage to my pouch.  I have eaten to the point where I should be full but don't feel full and it worries me that the band has slipped or something like that.  I guess there is no need to worry about something before it's time. 

I'm not pleased with my performance over the past few months.  And I don't need any 'oh dears' or anything like that.  I've slid back a fair way and will use this platform to write what I have eaten each day in hope that I can turn things around.  If you feel as though you need to make a judgemental comment - please keep it to yourself.  Losing weight is tough and no one is perfect.  No one.  And coming on here and typing this is one thing but actually typing it where I know the world can read it is another.

For breakfat this morning, I had 3 Ham and Cheese Coisonts.  For lunch, I had KFC - 2 burgers, 2 pieces of Chicken and a medium chips.  I have also eaten a whole heap of Chocolate.

I am guessing that am close to 200kg again. Which would be a shame as I have been doing so well but I can do it again.  I still think about having the sleeve done - I don't want to go through this anymore.  It's hard to explain.  I know I am in control of what I do and what I don't do but it's more than that.  It's not just physical.  It's also emotional.

I have continued seeing Natasha each weekend.  I have seen her about 7 times now.  She went on a Holiday during May.  I haven't really touched on my weight or my eating habits as yet - we are still covering a lot of other things. 

I know the things that have contribued to me going back to my old habits and a lot of them I can fix.  It's hard to admit it out loud but I need support. 

When I weighed myself this morning, it didn't really sink in.  Nor has it.  I have known that I have put a fair bit on due to the fact that my pants have stopped fitting me.  I'm back into the ones that used to be too big for me.  My bras don't fit as well and I am generally feeling yuck.  I know what I need to do to change that and by taking ownership of it is the first thing.

So, I shall click on save and publish then take a deep breath.  I knew it was never going to be easy.  I just need to make sure I don't take another little holiday from my goals and lifestyle which is effectively what I've done.  Not happy.  But am happy that I am choosing to do something about it.

Until tomorrow...


  1. Hi hon.. hugs from me..

    You've taken the first step in coming here and admitting you're human and that's a fantastic thing. .:)

    Deep breath, you know what to do.. and I know you'll find a way to start over.. we're all here for you..

    Look forward to reading more


  2. Hi Stephanie, I noticed your post and wanted to comment. You are a perfect candidate for our newest affiliation with the Biggest Loser Show. Interested in learning more?

  3. Hi Frank,

    I'd love to hear more - please send me some information - movingforwardlookingforward@gmail.com

    And thank you, Anne xoxo it's tough. And I'm not proud but I am going to do this - one step at a time.

  4. Well done for being honest with yourself, that's a huge thing when trying to move on/past.

    Also to the comment above, affiliation with biggest loser show? Don't do it, it's dangerous to your mental and physical health and well being... I've been there and pulled out.

  5. Hi Anon,

    Thank you for the post - I know I don't need anything other than good food, hard work and determination to get through this.

    I've just called up and enquired about a Gym - best foot forward :)

  6. You gorgeous girl are one of the most honest (and generally awesome!) people I know. Your post just about sums up how I've been feeling about my own journey (minus the lap band) and you know what babe, we will do it. As the saying goes 'You haven't failed until you stop trying'. Xxxx Bec

  7. Stephanie, all I can say is keep at it. The emotional stuff is the hardest. Next is anything that impacts on your time so that you feel you have not enough time to shop for healthy food, choose great meals and cook things you are going to want to eat that leave you feeling satisfied, without the guilt. Full empathy here. Hang in there.

  8. Hi Stephanie,

    Tomorrow starts here – today!

    Every person who has ever struggled with weight loss recognises the dilemma of feeling like you are ‘falling off the wagon’ and not knowing how to stop yourself even in those moments of self talk when your animal brain is saying: “I like this - I want more!” and your rational brain is saying: “What the hell are you doing? Stop. You know you shouldn’t.” I struggle with these demons still, after all these years. And as you have witnessed my weight fluctuates every other week / month – few kilos up and down..

    At my heaviest I weighed 109 kilos - over ten years ago I lost 43kilos and have successfully maintained the loss all these years, however it has not been without struggles. 4 years ago I was having some personal struggles and I started to gain weight and one day without realising I was 84 kilos and feeling out of control – nothing I did was helping me lose weight and I was so angry at myself and scared that I was going to spiral further out of control. I remember how it feels to go through everyday life as a 109 kilo woman and how I felt so lonely, miserable and helpless.

    …then something sparked an emotional change – it was work related, but it was enough to start making my life happier. Happier equalled weight loss and I shifted that weight and found myself so happy that I reached my PB of 61 kilos : ) That was an amazing feeling.

    Sadly though my struggle continues and more recently, the past 6 - 8 months have been again a bit of an emotional low and my weight has gone back up to 69 kilos. I know very well that my weight gain and losses are all related to the emotion of the day. I am ruled by my feeling and my weight is the great indicator of where I am in that space.

    The past couple of months have been significant for me and while I have felt unfulfilled, disengaged and confused I have also realised that this is the perfect time to make some further life changing decisions. I am at the beginning of a new journey, I am looking forward with the sole purpose to create emotional balance in my life. Though this is no small feat, I know this will be hard as I am looking at my life holistically and I will take what ever necessary steps to make me HAPPY. For me this means finding a fulfilling career, getting healthier and feeling better about myself.

    I have spent a year working with you Stephanie and we have shared some personal moments together and I have always felt a sense of pride for you – in what you have achieved so far and in your tenacity. You have struggled and pushed on. You have fought demons and won some of those battles. You have taken words and turned them into truth. You should be proud of yourself and know that you have the power to create your perfect tomorrow starting today.

    I have started a personal blog www.facebook.com/TomorrowStartsHereToday as a change strategy help keep me on track as I move toward a new direction. I will be experimenting with different ‘Self Development’ methods until I find the ones that work for me.

    I wanted to share this with you in hope that maybe something I am doing or start doing to energise my life might also give you some inspiration in your own journey.

    Keep moving – You are going in the right direction!