Sunday, October 14, 2012

High on emotion...

If you know me well (or I’ve just told you in passing because I think you’re special!), you’d know that I’ve been off work for the past 5 weeks.  It’s been a really trying time.  I haven’t been as productive as I’d hoped and I have let a lot of things go.  Including my desire to stick on my journey and continue losing weight.  In fact, I have put a fair bit on in the past 5 weeks.  It’s been quite a trying time.  I’ve spent most nights not being able to sleep, I’ve had nightmares, I have been high and low – it hasn’t been fun.  It got to the point where I was writing a list of 3 things that I wanted to achieve each day to ensure that I have been able to meet some goals.  It’s been shit!

I am not sure when I’m going back but I know during that time, I have a few things I want to do.  I want to give blood, rip up the shrubs outside the front of my house, finish painting the lounge room, volunteer in the Canteen at Callum’s School, finish my PT course and help make a difference in the world :)

Over the last few days, something has just clicked.  I have had enough of how I am feeling.  The downers are becoming more frequent and the uppers aren’t as ‘genuine’ as what they normally would be (I hope this makes sense!).  I’ve simply had enough.  And the fact that I am not sure about what the future holds (and I don’t really feel like thinking about it at the moment), hasn’t made things any easier.  So tonight, I went for a walk.

I walked around a track in Bacchus Marsh tonight.  I’ve walked around it a number of times.  My hips were killing me and I was quite puffed but I felt such a sense of achievement once I had done it. Each ‘section’ of the track got a little easier and I was in such a great mood by the end of it.  The Weather was lovely.  I watched the sun set as I was walking and put things into perspective.  I walked 3.25km in 43 minutes.

I can accept the things I can’t change although sometimes this is a bit tough.  But I need to continue to change the things that are in my control and find the courage to do so.  I love Pete Murray and the first verse of one of his songs called free is ‘As hard as you know you know, you will make the distance even if everything is falling down.  But don’t lose that vision and don’t lose your courage until you are standing here right with me now’.  These words make a lot of sense to me and have made me know that I can do this.  I can’t lose this.  I can’t give in.  I can’t give up.  I HAVE  to keep going.  I WILL do this.  I WANT this.

I got home and had some yogurt for dinner and I am going to get my fill either tomorrow or Tuesday.  That will fix things up.

I haven’t wanted to get my fill as I have once again fallen into the trap of eating my emotions (and I have so many of them!).  It’s shit but I can and will fix this.

I've relied on my friends over the past few weeks to get through.  Thank you all from the bottom of my heart xo you mean the world to me (especially my Trishy and Amelia and Sharon and Bec xoxo).  I am lucky that I have so much support around me and you can’t begin to understand how grateful I am for that.  You all have such a special place in my life and that is such a blessing.  Mwah xoxo

So I ask you as my gorgeous readers to hold me accountable!  If you don’t see me blog and you want to know what I’m up to, just post a comment!  I’m normally quiet when I’m not doing anything.  This is where I spill my truth and I find that hard to do at times as I don’t like owing up to the things I have been (or haven’t been) doing.

Once again, bring it on.  And hope I don’t stop moving again.  I deserve this.  Even if I don’t think I do.

P.S - Happy Anniversary Trish and Clint xo

1 comment:

  1. You can do this you have the world behind you baby