Hump day of shakes

So, I've made it to day 3!  The hardest 3 days when you are on shakes.  I'm feeling quite good.  I haven't been very hungry and I'm finding that I'm not tempted by other foods as much as what I was when I had to be on shakes. The only part that I have to get right now is my exercise.  I have only been to the gym once in the last 3 days.  I'll make sure that I go for a walk with the kids tonight just to get the blood pumping a bit :)

I'm happy that I seem to be back on track.  It's been a long time coming.  I feel good for it.  Everything seems to be falling into place :) 

Shaking to get rid of my wobble

Over the weekend I decided that I would go on shakes again for a while.  I know they work, they are quick and easy and I really need to lose a good chunk of weight to get my mojo back fully.

I went to the gym today.  First time in God knows how long.  I promised myself that I would do half an hour on the treadmill (which I did).  I was so hot afterwards.  When I walked out of the gym, I was glad that it had started to rain as it cooled me down on my way to the car.

I've been trying to remember some of the things that kept me motivated when I was doing so well many moons ago.  I was so healthy.  I was posting on the banding together forum, I was reading books by those who have had great success with the lap band, i was eating well, exercising - everything was in sync.  I plan on getting back to that mindset.

I start back at work next week which will make things a little more challenging.  I plan on getting up before everyone else does and going to the gym before coming home and getting ready for work.  I'll have the weekends as rest days.  I can do this.  I just have to keep reminding myself of that :)

It's been 5 months since my last blog...

I can't believe how fast time flies.  It's been 5 months since my last blog.  I thought I should write something at least!

On Wednesday, I saw Dr Winnett for the first time since April.  I didn't want to get on the scales (I was really worried that I'd gone into the 220's) but I am 196.4kg.  I've actually lost 16kg (or thereabouts) since I saw him last.  I was pleasantly surprised.  I spoke to him about the fact that a month ago I had been in Hospital for 12 days with Cellulitus on my 'fatty apron' (I HATE that expression) and he said to me that in 30kg time, he'll refer me to have a tummy tuck so that the problems that I am having with my 'fatty apron' are just a bad memory.  Is that something to motivate me or what?  I am so excited and motivated by the prospect of a tummy tuck.  I will lose around 15kg - 20kg just by having it removed.  It is so heavy and does weigh me down a lot.

My cruise is all booked :) I can't wait.  We are not flying to Sydney (where it departs) but we are going to drive.  Airfares alone for all of us would be around $1200 but there is no way I'd be getting on a plane at this weight.  We're off in March so I have time to lose some weight before then.

Today I am going to book some PT sessions at the gym and start getting back into that once the Kids go back to School.  I am feeling excited about that.  It will be good to get back into the swing of things.

I'll write more in the coming days.  Thank you for your support xo

Feeling a bit down :/

I'm feeling a bit down tonight.  I've had an interesting few days.

I went to see Dr Winnett yesterday.  I waited for quite some time to see him.  He wasn't able to locate my port to do my fill so he told me I'd need to go into the City to have it done under XRay.  When I got into the car after seeing him, I just started to cry.  I have put on more weight.  I'm now 211kg.  I couldn't believe it.  I still can't believe it.  I just keep going backwards.  I know it's because I'm not motivated to exercise at the moment and my diet hasn't been very good.  And I know that these have been my choices.  And yes, I have beat myself up about it quite a bit.  And no, I didn't want to write this blog as quite frankly, I'm ashamed of what I've done. 

I went Olympic Imaging to get my fill done.  It took them an hour and a half as there were some problems with the port.  At first, they thought that it had flipped again as it was on such a strange angle.  Then they drained 60ml of fluid that had built up around the port.  This made it easier for the Doctor to put the fill in.  He put 1ml in (I now have 6ml in my band) and I had to stay for 15 minutes to make sure that it wasn't too much.  I have to go back in 2 weeks where they'll assess if I need to have more Surgery.

I went home feeling numb.  

Today, I've felt a bit better.  I can only have fluids as my band is a bit tight which is making me feel miserable.  I' also had some pain in the port site.  I will call Dr Winnett's rooms tomorrow.

I need to start going back to the gym.  I'll start back next week once my fill and port has settled down.  I'm a bit excited as I'm going on a cruise sometime this year which will mean hopping on a plane.  I don't want to be this big and fly so having to stick to fluids is probably not such a bad thing.

I see Dr Winnett again in 4 weeks.  I hope and will try to be under 200kg by that time.  I hate being this weight.

I also see Natasha on Saturday.  She's my Psychologist.  I am going to talk to her about emotional eating.  I don't understand it.  I mean, I get the fact that I pick up something and eat it when I'm down but I cant keep doing this.  It's simply not healthy.  I don't know why I do it.  Luckily I can't right now.  I can emotionally drink... now there's an idea :)

2.6kg down in 2 weeks

Normally when I am not blogging, it means that I'm not doing anything.  But on this occasion  I am doing things but I am just quiet!

I've fully recovered from my surgery and had my check up with Dr Winnett last week.  He was very pleased with how I'm going.  I was weighed and I've lost 2.6kg.  I'm not under 200kg yet but I am well on my way.

I'm really enjoying the classes at Fernwood.  I had my first personal training session on Thursday and that went really well.  I didn't pull up too sore which is great.

Although I don't have a lot to write about, I am happy with how I am going.

Today was a bit tough.  I have a few stressful events going on at the moment.  I spent most the day in bed.  I think I'm just anxious.  I made myself go to the gym tonight.  I didn't feel like it all but I thought that going would do me good.  Which it did.  I did a cycle class and feel fantastic because of it.  It was really hard to push myself out the door tonight.  I am so happy that I did.  I proved a lot to myself tonight and am very proud.

Tomorrow I am going to get the class timetable and work out what classes I am going to do.  I had aimed for one a day but have been bit slack in the past week.  I shall need to change that this week :)

Big, fat slug

Today I did Body Pump for the first time in about 5 years.  It was awesome.

For those who are not familiar with body pump, it's an hour long exercise session where you work on your back, butt, quads, biceps, triceps - everything.  There's lots of squats, lunges, lifts and It's done to music and is really intense.  When I used to be at Fernwood, I was the Body Pump QUEEN!  I was awesome.  Today, not so much.

I used smaller weights today so that I could just get used to the technique before going up a notch but within the first 5 minutes, I was almost ready to walk out the door because I was SO tired!  There was so much getting up and getting down.  I drank almost 1.5 liters of water during the class as I was working so hard.  And because I was so sweaty, the only thing I can really imagine I would have looked like is a big fat slug!  I felt like Jabba the Hutt when we were doing some of the weights as my chin was stuck into my chest!  I managed to get through the whole session and was a tiny bit sore afterwards, more so now that it is night and my muscles are having time to do what they do best. 

I have my first PT session in a few weeks which I am really looking forward to.  I have told her that I will do whatever it takes.  

I am considering doing cycle again tomorrow morning or I will be doing step in the afternoon.  Not sure which one yet but so long as I do one class per weekday, I will be keeping on track.

I made these really nice lean meatballs for dinner tonight.  They were full of chicken, carrot, onion, herbs - I loved them but the younger kids weren't so sure (anything with carrot in it is normally a no no for them).

I see Jason Winnett next Wednesday.  And I want to be under 200kg.  I hope I am.  I am working towards it but as long as I know that I am doing my best to achieve my goal, that is all I can do :)

P.S body - we're doing it again tomorrow...

First of all, I'd like to thank everyone once again for enquiring as to how I have been over the past week.  I'm 8 days post op and I am feeling fantastic.

I changed my dressing on the weekend to a new one but ended up taking it all off other than the steri strips as it was irritating me although most of the strips have fallen off now.  My wound is looking lovely :) well, as lovely as a wound can look.  I haven't had any pain killers for 2 days now (of any kind - endone, panadol etc...). 

Dr Winnett's handy work

I just got back from doing my first class at Melton Fernwood.  I chose to do spin bike.  Ouch.  My bum.  My legs.  My quads.  And my bum again.  It was so good to do half an hour of gruelling exercise that knowing how good it was for me put me off my dinner (literally).  Anything that hurts that much is not worth undoing with wrong carbs and a sugary drink.  Instead, I had an Optifast shake and shall drink heaps of water to keep me content throughout the evening.  I am going to do BodyPump in the morning.  Don't tell me that though - as my body may change it's mind!

One of my friends asked where I get my motivation from.  If you are a regular reader of my blog, you'd probably know that I don't know the answer to that as like anyone, I have many CBF moments and times where I just try and ignore what is going on but I think tonight I worked out where some of it comes from.  It's when you find something that you enjoy doing more than what you're already doing.  I enjoy getting a sore bum and legs and quads and sweating bucket loads in a cycle class more than I do not being able to put a seat belt on.  I enjoy being around like minding people who are all there for the same thing and don't care what you look like rather than sitting at home with no motivation.  It's a no brainer really.  And next time I lose my motivation, I need to read this and give myself a good kick up the butt as I am going to see this year out with massive changes. 

Someone also said to me the other day about how much weight I have put on since my last surgery.  Sure, I put on around 30 kilograms.  But hey - I've still lost 50 kilograms.  It's seeing the good things and the things that you should be proud of rather than the bad things.

And we're back on the air... (again!)

Sorry it's taken me so long to write this blog!  I have spent most of the last few days sleeping.

I had my Surgery on Monday.  I didn't go in until about 4pm.  Jason said he wasn't sure how much fluid was in the band but he was going to put 5 in.  I was not as nervous as what I have been in the past.  The only thing I really hate about going under is waking up.  I vomit and cough a lot which means that I end up hurting a lot later on.

My Anaesthetist was lovely.  He counted to 3 before he jabbed me with his horrible needle.  And shortly after that, I was out.

When I woke up, I was coughing so much.  The tube that goes down your throat must have scratched me on the way up and I couldn't stop coughing no matter how hard I tried.  I was taken up to the ward where I made sure I got up and moved around.  I do remember watching the start of Rafters at some stage...

Jason came in to see me.  He was very happy with how things went.  He told me that my port had flipped and was holding on by 2 stitches but the cord from the port to the band had wrapped around it 4 times.  He had never seen anything like it before.  There was also only 1ml in my band.  Which explains why I have put on so much weight and why I can eat basically whatever I've wanted to eat (bread, chicken, pork, steak etc...). 

I managed to get some rest and was home the next day.  Today, I haven't taken any pain killers and even plan on going to the gym for a little walk.  So, I'm now into the next stage of my journey.  Phase 3?  Or Phase 1.3?  Hmmm.  Either way, I hope that I don't have to have any more Surgery for some time.  I think I've had my fair share!

I joined up at Melton Fernwood last night.  I used to go there some years ago and I love it there.  I am in the right frame of mind to be going there and to lose my weight.  They have the best classes and everyone is so nice.  It's good to be a Fernie again :) and as soon as I get off here, I am going to go for a gentle stroll to get everything moving again.

Looking forward to achieving some great things over the next few months.  And now that everything is right with my band, there's nothing to stop me.

Thank you to everyone for all the support over the past few weeks xo

3rd time lucky?

It's been a long 24 hours.  I have had so many supportive messages from friends - thank you so much xo

I've also had a lot of people discussing options with me such as the sleeve and gastric bypass.  I'm not too keen on having either of these surgeries. Both of them have their pros and cons but for me, they are both terribly dangerous given my weight.  I don't want to die on a table.  I want to be around for my kids  I am one of the unlucky ones who have had everything that could possibly go wrong with their band.  Slippage is quite uncommon, a flipped port is quite uncommon but then again, I often tend to be a shit magnet!

So, I'm booked in to have surgery on Tuesday.  Hopefully this will be the last time that I go under the knife because of any problems with my band.  If I have any more problems, I'll really have to evaluate what I plan on doing at that point in time but I am HOPING for smooth sailing ahead.

Flipped port... this was not in the script...

Hmmm.  Where to start.

It's been a while since I've posted.  Like I've said before, when I am not blogging, I am normally not doing a lot.  And that is half the case at the moment.  I have been quite busy over the past month or so.  I have started up my business again and have been enjoying watching the Children (particularly the Twins) settle into School.  I haven't been doing a lot of exercise.  I just haven't felt like it.  I am still looking for my mojo.  And this is what I told Dr Winnett when I went to see him yesterday at our scheduled appointment.

He was very pleased to see me. I couldn't remember when our last appointment was.  I jumped on the scales.  I wasn't impressed.  I was 209kg.  This came as a surprise as I have been quite good with eating and things feel rather normal - I didn't realize I'd let myself go that much.  Before I go on, it's really tough to write this stuff but in a few years, I hope to look back at it and go 'phew, what a ride' but instead, I just feel like crying.

He tried to give me a fill but wasn't able to get the needle in.  He was able to scrape the port but nothing was happening so he sent me off to get the fill done under X Ray.  I wasn't able to go yesterday so instead, I went today. 

Although the staff were fantastic, I felt humiliated.  For the first time in a long time, I felt huge.  And it was quite confronting and upsetting.  They had to put a trolley under the bed that I lay down on when I have the fill just in case it fell.  I haven't had to have this done before.  They weren't able to get the X Ray device the whole way around me so I ended up having to have a stand up abdominal X Ray instead.  The Man tried to put some fill into my port.  I didn't say anything to them but my port looked different on the screen.  Normally it's a round bumpy thing.  Today it was a flat rectangle.  After the 3rd attempt at putting the fill in, I ended up suggesting that it had flipped and it was unfortunate that they agreed with me.

I have some options (and these are without speaking to my Surgeon or anyone else), I can get the band taken out and get a sleeve in 6 months time.  I can get the band taken out and have gastric bypass at the same time.  I can get the port restitched and start again.  Or I can get the band taken out and blow up into a big 300kg fleshy balloon until I pop and splatter all over the walls.

At this stage, I am not sure what I am going to do but my mind is telling me to just get the port restitched and go again.

I honestly don't mind having surgery.  It doesn't bother me too much.  And at the moment, I'm off work due to injury (most of you would know that) so I have the luxury of being my own boss at the moment with my small business, things are pretty flexible..

What I want is just to get back on track.  I was at one stage 168kg.  That was this time last year.  I can't believe that.  I wish I was back there again.  There is no point in wishing.  There is only doing.  And I know that.  Without the restriction in, it's going to be mind over matter.  It's going to be self control. And I've proved to myself on many occasions that I am not great when it comes to that but it might mean that I have to train myself to be.  I remember all of the reasons why I want to get where I need to be and just keep them in mind.

I CAN do this.  I can keep saying it but I need to believe it too.  The last few months have been really tough and although I am not allowed to say a lot here about what has been going on, to be good you have to feel good.  That's what I think anyway.  I am so lucky that I have an amazing group of friends who are there the whole way for me.  I am blessed.

At the moment though, I am just really confused and not sure what I want to do.  Hopefully I'll wake up in the morning and I'll have the answers.

I have no choice other than to exercise on Saturday as I participate in my 4th relay for life.  If you are able to sponsor me, please do so here 

http://vic.cancercouncilfundraising.org.au/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=534341&langPref=en-CA&Referrer=http%3a%2f%2fwww.relayforlife.org.au%2fGetInvolved%2fSponsorATeamOrIndividual.aspx

Anything at all is appreciated.  I started doing the relay for my Nanna.  She passed away from Pancreatic Cancer.  I also do the relay for my friend Janelle.  She battled a rare form of cervical Cancer and passed away almost a year ago.  Anything that you are able to give to this cause is appreciated.  It is one of the hardest things that I have ever done physically.  And I think that this is the biggest I have been when participating in this event.  

For those who don't know about relay for life, it's an 18 hour event where you take turns to walk laps of the course (our course is just over a kilometer.  It's your mission to keep someone on the course the whole time.  I find that the best time to walk for me is 3am.  I love walking around the track in the dark with my iPod on.  It's time to reflect.  It's so quiet and there is something magical about the whole event.  If you haven't done one, I encourage you to have a go.

So, there you go.  I sit here with a sore tummy from all the needles I've had to have along with a confused mind as what direction to go in.  I am sure that once Dr Winnett calls me, I'll have a better idea of what I should be doing.  

I can do anything.  I need to remember that.

My weigh in...

My weigh in was very uneventful.  I jumped on the scales and I was exactly the same as what I was last week.  I think it's due to bloating.  I'm happy that I hadn't put any on thought.

I have been doing really well with my exercising.  I've gotten up in the morning and have gone for a walk like I committed to doing except for this morning but I'll go a bit later.  I haven't been going to the gym as the mornings have been so beautiful.  Instead I've walked around the reserve near my house.  It has a hill which is rather testing but it also has an oval and a path which is perfect for bike riding.

I've done really well with my water intake and my eating.  This week has been perfect so far!  We're only into day 3 but I'm really impressed with my efforts.  I am hoping they'll reflect on the scales on Monday.

I have relay for life coming up soon.  I need to make sure I'm ready for that so lots of walking is on the agenda.  I am so unfit still but am determined to build up my level of fitness so that I can do as much as possible during it.  This will be my forth relay and I am really looking forward to it.

I've also decided that I'm going to go to Aqua Aerobics every Monday.  It's something that I really enjoy.  All of the Kids will be at School in a few weeks which will give me more flexibility to focus on my fitness goals and activities.

I hope you're having a good week :)

My reflection at the top of the Hill yesterday morning

Weigh in tomorrow...

I'm a bit nervous about tomorrow!  I am weighing in.  I expect to have lost something but not sure how much it will be.

This week, I am committing myself to spending at least an hour a day at the gym.  I know that this will make me feel better inside and out.  The last few weeks have been a bit stressful so being able to get rid of this excess negative energy is something I'll benefit from.  I also ended up buying myself a new heart rate monitor last week as I have lost my other one (and I have looked EVERYWHERE!).

Looking forward to this week and seeing how I go.

My menu is all written up.  I have a very healthy list of meals that I'll be making.  All of them are from Jamie Oliver's new cookbook.  I can't wait to try them and enjoy some quick cooking.  I hate spending too much time in the Kitchen when I could be doing other things.  

I hope you have a good week :)

Action

Last night I decided to weigh myself.  I did not like what I saw.  Although I had lost some weight over the past few months, I have managed to put it back on again.  This is due to the lack of exercise and poor eating habits.  I am 204kg.  I went to be determined to make a difference today and tomorrow (today being Sunday, last night being Saturday).

I got up early and got dressed to go to the gym.  When I got to the gym, my swipe card wouldn't work.  That pissed me off!  And my Gym is right next door to McDonalds so you know what my first thought was, don't you - something along the lines of 'it wasn't meant to be'.  Well, it is meant to be.

I drove home and ended up walking around the park near my house.  I did sit ups (band allowed ones) and I did push ups.  I did some walking but not very fast due to the fact I didn't have my Asthma pump on me.  I observed the fact that even putting an extra 10kg on totally stuffs your body up but I didn't beat myself up about it.

I thought I'd blog before I had a shower.  I have decided to go on shakes for a few weeks.  I really need to get at least 15kg off before I feel as though I can exercise properly.  When I say shakes, I mean OptiFast, So Slim, OptiSlim and Tony Ferguson.  I need to mix them up a bit otherwise I get bored and tend to cheat. I will have a normal meal at night (a healthy one) but I'm going to be very strict for the first week  being at this weight means I am not able to do a lot of the things that I used to be able to do and I don't like that.

Like I said in my last blog, my story has been such a Rollercoaster.  And I don't make any apologies for it.  I will reach my goal.  This year I am going to be going as hard as what I was in 2010.  And I will get where I want to get to wherever that may be.

And yes, I still need to do my before photos.  They'll be up today sometime.

I've also started reading Dr Phil's book 'The Ultimate Weight Solution' and during my next appointment with Natasha, I am going to discuss with her why I am where I am with my weight and how I got here in the first place.  I know the answer is eating and not exercising but there's a lot of psychological components to where you end up with your weight and body image.  I'd like to discover mine.

I hope you have a great Sunday :) remember to do something good for you today.

2013 is my year so move out of the way, I'm coming through!

Happy New Year :) I hope that everyone had a fantastic night.  I spent the night with my beautiful family and my friends.  I had a fantastic time but the best bit is, I feel awesome as I didn't drink much :)

This morning, I read a quote from a person's blog on one of my friend's Facebook status updates and it read, "I have said this before but it bears repeating, my weight is the least interesting thing about me".  Her blog can be found here http://thisisnotadiet-itsmylife.com/2012/12/30/changes-you-cannot-see/ I haven't read her blog but I can relate to what she is saying.  And I can also expand on it from my perspective.  Weight takes over everything.  And it ends up becoming the only thing about you that people talk about or worry about.  The only thing they comment on (good or bad) and the only thing they track.  It's frustrating.  And from my point of view, I blog on here about my weight.  And even though I have had lap band, when I read it back, it's the classic 'up and down' weight loss story and although it would have been awesome to flick from the start to the end and read a fairy tale, I'm happy to have gone through every part of what I've been through over the past 2 years.  

So I plan on 2013 being one with a fairy tale ending when it comes to my weight loss journey.  I'm already on the way training for Relay for Life in February and I am sure I'll have a lot more things to add in my personal challenge Calendar as the year goes on.

I'll take some 'January 2013' photos today and will also weigh myself so I can once again compare how well I'm doing over the months.

Stay tuned :)