Thursday, February 21, 2013

Flipped port... this was not in the script...

Hmmm.  Where to start.

It's been a while since I've posted.  Like I've said before, when I am not blogging, I am normally not doing a lot.  And that is half the case at the moment.  I have been quite busy over the past month or so.  I have started up my business again and have been enjoying watching the Children (particularly the Twins) settle into School.  I haven't been doing a lot of exercise.  I just haven't felt like it.  I am still looking for my mojo.  And this is what I told Dr Winnett when I went to see him yesterday at our scheduled appointment.

He was very pleased to see me. I couldn't remember when our last appointment was.  I jumped on the scales.  I wasn't impressed.  I was 209kg.  This came as a surprise as I have been quite good with eating and things feel rather normal - I didn't realize I'd let myself go that much.  Before I go on, it's really tough to write this stuff but in a few years, I hope to look back at it and go 'phew, what a ride' but instead, I just feel like crying.

He tried to give me a fill but wasn't able to get the needle in.  He was able to scrape the port but nothing was happening so he sent me off to get the fill done under X Ray.  I wasn't able to go yesterday so instead, I went today. 

Although the staff were fantastic, I felt humiliated.  For the first time in a long time, I felt huge.  And it was quite confronting and upsetting.  They had to put a trolley under the bed that I lay down on when I have the fill just in case it fell.  I haven't had to have this done before.  They weren't able to get the X Ray device the whole way around me so I ended up having to have a stand up abdominal X Ray instead.  The Man tried to put some fill into my port.  I didn't say anything to them but my port looked different on the screen.  Normally it's a round bumpy thing.  Today it was a flat rectangle.  After the 3rd attempt at putting the fill in, I ended up suggesting that it had flipped and it was unfortunate that they agreed with me.

I have some options (and these are without speaking to my Surgeon or anyone else), I can get the band taken out and get a sleeve in 6 months time.  I can get the band taken out and have gastric bypass at the same time.  I can get the port restitched and start again.  Or I can get the band taken out and blow up into a big 300kg fleshy balloon until I pop and splatter all over the walls.

At this stage, I am not sure what I am going to do but my mind is telling me to just get the port restitched and go again.

I honestly don't mind having surgery.  It doesn't bother me too much.  And at the moment, I'm off work due to injury (most of you would know that) so I have the luxury of being my own boss at the moment with my small business, things are pretty flexible..

What I want is just to get back on track.  I was at one stage 168kg.  That was this time last year.  I can't believe that.  I wish I was back there again.  There is no point in wishing.  There is only doing.  And I know that.  Without the restriction in, it's going to be mind over matter.  It's going to be self control. And I've proved to myself on many occasions that I am not great when it comes to that but it might mean that I have to train myself to be.  I remember all of the reasons why I want to get where I need to be and just keep them in mind.

I CAN do this.  I can keep saying it but I need to believe it too.  The last few months have been really tough and although I am not allowed to say a lot here about what has been going on, to be good you have to feel good.  That's what I think anyway.  I am so lucky that I have an amazing group of friends who are there the whole way for me.  I am blessed.

At the moment though, I am just really confused and not sure what I want to do.  Hopefully I'll wake up in the morning and I'll have the answers.

I have no choice other than to exercise on Saturday as I participate in my 4th relay for life.  If you are able to sponsor me, please do so here

Anything at all is appreciated.  I started doing the relay for my Nanna.  She passed away from Pancreatic Cancer.  I also do the relay for my friend Janelle.  She battled a rare form of cervical Cancer and passed away almost a year ago.  Anything that you are able to give to this cause is appreciated.  It is one of the hardest things that I have ever done physically.  And I think that this is the biggest I have been when participating in this event.  

For those who don't know about relay for life, it's an 18 hour event where you take turns to walk laps of the course (our course is just over a kilometer.  It's your mission to keep someone on the course the whole time.  I find that the best time to walk for me is 3am.  I love walking around the track in the dark with my iPod on.  It's time to reflect.  It's so quiet and there is something magical about the whole event.  If you haven't done one, I encourage you to have a go.

So, there you go.  I sit here with a sore tummy from all the needles I've had to have along with a confused mind as what direction to go in.  I am sure that once Dr Winnett calls me, I'll have a better idea of what I should be doing.  

I can do anything.  I need to remember that.


  1. Steph. Nbr 1, you are 209kgs but that is not what you were when you started. So though you have taken backward steps, you are still ahead.
    Nbr 2, why would you blow up without any banding/sleeping, etc? Is someone going to take to you with a bicycle pump?
    YOU and only you, are responsible for what you think of yourself, so think thinner, or more appropriately, healthier.
    Ick for the relay,

  2. Stephanie... I know you know this, but your struggle is the same struggle that many people go through with their weight. So don't feel alone in it. You are not failing. You are facing set backs. If you said stuff this, that would be failing, but you pick yourself up and keep trying. so good for you!

    As much as I think there are many people who are "saved" by weight loss surgery, I know more people who not only struggle with it, but have complications and regrets....except the Drs who are making a killing from it! (that doesn't mean they are bad people btw). It's not an easy out, a quick fix or in my opinion, a solution to serious weight issues. Eating to the point of huge weight gain, is a genuine illness and addiction and should be treated as such. Surgery doesn't help what is going on in your head and you can rarely beat it yourself. It's not just about disciplined / self control. It is so much more than that.

    Getting the gastric sleeve etc I think is one of the most criminal surgeries offered to overweight people. It restricts your enjoyment of life for EVER. When you can only eat a cup of food, yes you lose weight, but also your social and family life. Your ability to go out and have a dinner or go to a party. And it is permanent!

    Whether we like it or not, food is part of life and it is not only to sustain us, but it is social. I know you have said in the past you are seeing a therapist, which is probably the smartest medical choice you have been offered. It's one thing to put on 40 kilos after a pregnancy, but to be the weight you are (and heaps of people are btw, it's no reflection on you at all) and being overweight all your life, not just because of something like pregnancy, shows a clear issue that is controling you and what you put in your mouth and WHY you are. You worked so incredibly hard to get to 168, you were so proud of yourself. Determined. Strong. Focused. Yes, partly because of the band, but mainly because you were in the right head space!

    You obviously had something happen to change that that moved your mind set from powerful to weak. And no band can help you with that. If you were put into house and provided with your meals at set times, with low cal low fat etc etc formulas and you had no band, and no way of getting out of that controlled environment, you would lose, all the weight you needed to. Because you would have no other choice. You are smart enough to know that. It's about portion control, food control, exercise. But most importantly, it's about having the right mind set!

    You can beat this Stephanie, without all the surgeries and then added complications that come with that. But you need to have someone like your therapist support you through it correctly. Motivate you. Teach you, train you, change your way of thinking. In short HELP YOU. This is a life long thing. Unless you deal with the head stuff, it doesn't matter what method you use.

    If you get to your goal weight, every day that lies ahead will be a risk to your weight again unless you deal with the REAL issues for your weight gain. Because even if you get the gastric sleeve and have no choice in your eating for the rest of your life and lose the weight, your head will replace the food with something else that will cause your life to self implode in another way.

    I really wish you all the best in your struggles. You are a powerful person who is doing everything you can do to beat this and that is so clear. But start focusing on the power of your mind more. Because it is your mind, not your mouth that is controlling your weight.

    Keep fighting. Not for your kids. Not for your family. And not for your friends. Keep fighting for the most important person - YOU. Because until you fight for YOU, you will never be able to be who you need to be for the others in your life.

    Stay strong and don't beat yourself up.