30 something days...

That's how long it has taken me to decide that I will never use social media in the way I used to use it.  

Although I enjoyed the break that I had, I missed out on seeing what everyone was up to.  I missed the good stuff - Weddings, babies, graduations, first steps but I didn't miss having to see an ad every second or third post or seeing things that may have a negative impact on my mood.  It took me a while to get used to not sharing some of the things that I normally would such as yummy meals, gorgeous sunsets, my random thoughts or pics of my doggies but I started to begin to appreciate these moments without worrying about my phone.  It was refreshing.  

I've managed to get a lot of unpacking done.  My garage is looking amazing!  I've taken a few things to the tip but have enjoyed looking through the boxes that have been packed for 4 years as there were a lot of surprises in there!  It's been nice to get pictures up on the walls, candles on the table and start thinking about what other bits and pieces I want out.  We moved from a house half the size of where we are now so things are going to look a bit empty for a while until we fill it up!  I'm looking forward to seeing the results. 

Over the last 2 weeks, my energy levels have depleted.  They are non existent!  I went and got a blood test and the results came back indicating that my iron is incredibly low so I'm having my first ever Iron infusion on Monday! I am not excited as I can't stand needles but I am really looking forward to feeling the results of the boost.  It's been tough feeling like I'm just existing!  My ESR is quite high which makes sense due to the fact I have chronic fatigue syndrome. 

I'm currently in Hospital having TMS.  I've been in for 2 nights but am going home tomorrow (I was only in for 5 treatments).  I have also had an increase in my medication which has resulted in a massive headache but should help with my anxiety levels.  Mentally I feel quite good (knock on wood).  I present as though I am depressed as I am so lethargic and just lay around like a Sloth.

I have started writing a book!  2 books actually. I've also been doing a lot of reading.  I stopped reading for pleasure when I was at Uni as I always felt like my head was so full of information but since I graduated, I've been able to get back into reading.  I bought myself a Kindle 12 months ago and I love it! I think my favourite thing is not being able to see how big a book is so that I'm not deterred by it!  

I've enjoyed catching up with some of my friends over the last month.  I've been back to being out and about for a while now but to see people I haven't seen in ages brings me so much joy.  A few of my Teacher friends and I are catching up during the School Holidays when they aren't as hectic as they are now.  I look forward to the month ahead.

I've been going to Pole once a week and have commenced Personal Training again.  I am having my second session with my PT on Monday.  I'm focussing on anything other than cardio at the moment due to my energy levels so weights it is!  I've also started Yoga again.

That's pretty much me!  When I read back, it makes me wonder how I have time to be on Socials because I really don't! 

Seat belts and Puff the magic Wagon

Seat belt – two words that used to make me break out into a sweat because up until a few years ago, they didn’t fit me.  In fact, when I was at my biggest, I wasn’t able to fit behind the wheel of a loan car that I was provided with when mine was being repaired.  I broke out into more than a sweat on that day – I remember crying – full on ugly crying.  It was nothing compared to the feeling I’d get when I was pulled over by the Police for not wearing a seat belt and I had to explain the reason why I wasn’t wearing one along with producing a medical certificate to substantiate my claims.  I soon discovered an array of seat belt extenders on Ebay.  I needed to link 2 together on a few occasions (depending on the Car) but eventually that changed to one and then a few years ago, I waved goodbye to my extenders. 

Ubers, work cars, friend’s cars, loan cars, buses, trucks (if you’re lucky enough to need a tow like I did at one point!) – there were so many occasions where I had to explain to people why I wasn’t wearing a seat belt or why I declined a lift.  It never got easier.  It was just another reminder that the world is only made for a certain size (something that needs to change!) and would be a daily reminder that I’d gotten to that point.  I was also aware that should I ever need an Ambulance, I needed to let them know that I required a ‘bariatric ambulance’ because the time I did need one, I had to climb into the Ambulance rather than being pushed in on the bed because I was too heavy.

When my mate Dave asked me to do the ShitBox rally with him, even though I haven’t needed an extender for several years I almost went into my spiel of ‘I’d love to but it’s unlikely the seat belt will fit’ but instead I asked him ‘where do I sign?’.  There is NO WAY I would have been able to manage such a quest even 12 months ago.  It’s not just about driving from Alice Springs to the Gold Coast in a car worth less than $1,500 – I’ll need to be physically able to do all the things to really enjoy the experience!  This is gearing up to be one of my biggest non scale victories to date.  The ShitBox rally raises money and awareness for the Cancer Council.  We need to raise $5,000 to take part — with the first milestone of $2,500 due yesterday (urgh).

Normally I’m the one people go to when it comes to raising funds!  I raised close to $5,000 for the Cancer Council when I climbed the 46 floors of the Melbourne Central Tower and I’ve been able to raise around $3,000 over the years that I’ve participated in Relay for Life.  This time has been a bit tougher — I’ve been dealing with some mental health stuff, and it’s made it harder to get into gear fundraising-wise.  I know times are tough but if you’re in a position to donate, please click here - https://spring2025.shitboxrally.com.au/puff-the-magic-wagon and if you’re not able to donate, sharing this post and spreading the word about the Rally will be very helpful!

We have a Bunnings BBQ coming up in September, we are holding a Market Stall on Saturday (eeek!), we’ve got Cadbury fundraising boxes on the go, a pie drive… we’ve been busy doing a few things but if you have any ideas that you’d like to share, feel free!  We’d appreciate your help!

I'm still alive!

Hello!  I am still here!  And I am absolutely loving my break from social media.  It's also made me see how much I really needed one.

The first day was really strange.  I kept picking up my phone to check on things.  I am not sure what I was checking on but I picked it up anyway!  I also picked up my phone a lot to take photos of things to share on my Insta stories.  I ended up getting so many things done.  I cleaned, unpacked boxes, took the Dogs for a walk.  I actually began to wonder how I've actually managed to find time to be on it anyway?  I haven't had time.  I've just been doing what I can to avoid facing a lot of the stuff that I haven't wanted to front up to.  I also feel as though I'd stopped trying as hard as I could.  

I actually slept so well on the first night.  I thought that perhaps I had cured my chronic fatigue syndrome (I'm totally kidding - I know that there is no way that would happen!) but the second night showed me that nope, it is still there and it's alive and well.

The last few days have felt as though I am on school camp.  There are so many new activities to do and things to explore!  It's a really strange way of putting things but that is really the only way I can describe it.  I've been doing a lot of reading, relaxing, exercising, spending time with my creatures and cooking.  Today I've hit a wall and haven't done much at all but I needed a day off.

One thing I've really enjoyed is the fact that I have more time to connect with those around me.  It's been good to have a little less anxiety and worry to focus my energy on.  I've been looking out the window when we go for a drive and I've been seeing things that I have never noticed before.  I know these things probably sound really stupid but it's probably been my favourite thing over the last few days - the fact that I have the time to pay attention to the things that really mater to me. 

Unplugging

I'm not sure how long I'm going to last but over the weekend I decided that it's time to have a break from social media.  For the most part, I love using it and enjoy doom scrolling and laughing at cat videos, oohing and aahing over new babies that have entered the world and seeing what my friends and family are up to.  On the flip side, I am spending way more time than I'd like on there and have been doing so since I started to become unwell as it's such a time killer!  I was watching a Woman from Overseas the other week who was sitting on a swingy chair with a cup of Tea.  She was live streaming.  Someone asked her if she'd seen photos from the MetGala and what she thought.  She laughed and said she didn't have time for any of that and that there were way more important things for her to focus her time on which is what has really made me look at what I want for myself because this isn't it! 

Due to my new friend chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS), I don't have a lot of energy which means I spend a lot of the day sitting (or laying!) on the couch.  I'm not totally unproductive when I'm there - I pay bills, send emails, make appointments - I do the things that need to be done BUT I also spend a massive amount of time being unproductive.  If you've been following me for a while, you may have noticed I post a story on IG daily (well, I try to!) but that's about the extent of what I do.  I had one of my close friends tell me off for not replying to the message they sent me on IG - I can't remember the last time I checked my DMs on any platform.  I enjoy chatting to people but I am guilty of starting to have a conversation and then forgetting that I was so I leave it unread!

So it's time I tried something new and this is it.  To force me to journal (which is something I find really helpful but haven't been doing a lot of), I'm going to do it here.  And I'll attempt to do it daily so that one day I can look back and see how far I've come.  Although I've been feeling 'okay', I know I'm not myself.  It doesn't take a lot for me to feel like I'm on shaky ground and sometimes I wonder how much (if anything) it will take for me to fall.  It's due to a mixture of stuff but most of it is to do with how exhausted I am.

At the moment, I'm sleeping for around 4 hours a night but it's broken sleep.  Sometimes I get the 4 hours in 1 hour blocks, sometimes I get the 4 hours in one hit.  But it's absolutely killing me.  When I don't get enough sleep, I end up spiralling into a depressive low and I need to go to Hospital.  That is what I am trying to avoid.  I have a huge list of stuff that I need to get done but don't have the energy for because I'm not sleeping so it's an evil cycle that I can't seem to break.  I'm working with someone who is giving me strategies on how to deal with the CFS symptoms but like most things, it's going to be a marathon and not a sprint.

I want to focus on getting my boxes unpacked (yes, my garage is still full of them as I sustained my injury shortly after moving here), making my house a home, writing, turning my backyard into an Urban Oasis, gym, pole, fishing, walking, a new sport, getting Sunshine (where possible), stretching, relaxing, reading, spending time with friends, baking - so many things that are more worthy of my time.  And whilst I'm scrolling, I'm not challenging myself to push past the tiredness and unpack a box or get up off the couch and cut down a Yukka!  My main focus though is working on me and being the best version of myself.  I feel like I lost that when I was injured.  I lost a lot of my favourite bits about me so I'm going to work hard to get them back.

Apologies in advance for the fact I haven't yet announced my departure publicly!  I know people tend to freak out when I'm absent (which I appreciate greatly) but I'm still here.  You're welcome to follow along and read my ramblings if you wish to xo I'm excited about what I anticipate achieving but I do acknowledge it may be a bit of a struggle to begin with!  

Thank you for all your support xo it does mean the world.  I have evolved a lot over the years.  I am proud of the fact I've decided I want better for me.  Although it's taken me a while to work out some of the things I need to cut in order to focus on myself, my mental health, physical health and healing matter so much to me right now.

121kg - I now weigh what I've lost!

I finally did it.  I weigh the same as what I’ve lost – 121kg.  When I stood on the scales and saw those numbers, it was quite surreal.  It was different to when I had officially lost 100kg as I had been actively trying to get to that point but this was different – I haven’t been trying to lose weight this time round – I have been trying to keep my head above water.  Weight loss is something that has been happening quietly in the background whether I’m ready for it or not.  So when I saw those numbers a few weeks ago, I didn’t get too excited as I know that I’ll see them again and again over the next few months as one thing I’ve learned very well is weight loss is not linear – I’ll never say ‘I’ve lost such and such forever’ as I probably haven’t. 

I know I’m going to get asked – how have I lost the weight over the last 6 months.  Whilst I haven’t been as active on socials as I normally am, I have been posting my stories.  I walk most days, I drink at least 2 litres of water on most days and I’ve been focussing a lot on trying to get good quality sleep (although it doesn’t always work!).  I’ve also been in a calorie deficit (whether it be a good thing or a bad thing as some days I wasn’t able to eat due to stress).  I’m also on a medication called Zyban which is being used to treat my depression – some people lose up to 5% of their body weight on this medication (that would have been about 7kg for me).  Now that I'm a better head space and I'm doing all the 'normal' things again, I am going to notice my weight hover around the 120kg mark for a while and that's okay.

It's been hard seeing myself get smaller.  I haven’t celebrated it like I have in previous years.  Not because I’m not proud of myself or ecstatic that it’s happened – I am but Psychologically, I’m not ready for it as I’m trying so hard to keep my shit together that I don’t have time to process the image that is staring back in the mirror at me or the fact that I now slide into size 20 pants.  I haven’t been this weight since my late teens/early twenties.

Because I haven’t been up to going to the gym or doing much else other than what I have been, I haven’t been toning so my skin is wobbly!  Especially my ‘bat wings’.  I’m not worried about this as I know it will only take me a few months to feel more comfortable with them once I start doing some exercises but even when I type that, I try and find an answer to ‘when will you feel like toning up?’ and there is no answer there.

I think the biggest thing I’ve struggled with over the last 12 months is the lack of motivation and interest I have had in anything.  It simply doesn’t exist.  The last 12 months for me has been a challenge – it was this time last year I advised my Psychologist that I didn’t think the job I was in at the time was what they said it was going to be and sure enough, 4 months later I’d find myself in Hospital experiencing suicidal ideation.  None of that was on my bingo card for 2024/2025.  But it happened.  And I ended up in a slump.  One that would end up being one of the biggest fights of my life and one that would change the direction I was heading in.

I’ve really had to be gentle on myself and show myself compassion – something I’m not good at doing.  I am my own worst critic and I used to speak to myself in a horrible way but being kind, understanding and accepting a lot of stuff that I haven’t wanted to has been hard.  I haven’t worked since August 2024 because I haven’t been able to.  I believe I’m almost ready to dip my toe into something again but what that looks like, I don’t know.  Part of that excites me but the other part is terrified because it’s really made me look at where I want to be and I think I know where that is.  It’s right here doing this.  Sharing my experiences in order to help others and using my battles to help others feel strong.

Sorry to use the C word but… in 2020 when Covid hit, I thought that is when I was at the peak of my game.  I was at the gym every day, I was eating well, I had started my ‘workout with Steph’ groups and had started rolling out the program that I had written.  And then bang.  Covid hit.  And I headed in a different direction at that point.  I was doing things that I still enjoy doing – mainly Youth work but found it hard to get back on path that I was on which is why perhaps this is a blessing in disguise.

I’m the type of person that believes everything happens for a reason.  I don’t mean that the things that happen are always going to be nice or pleasant (a lot of them are fucked up!) but I like to think that those experiences shape us and prepare us for our next adventure which makes me grateful for the struggles I’ve encountered in the last 12 months – it’s given me a greater appreciation for a lot of things and has pushed me out of my comfort zone more times than I wanted but did I die?  No.

What’s next for me?  I’d like to hope that slowly I can get back into what I was doing – Personal Training, coaching, counselling, workshops, podcasts, groups – all the things!  But for the moment, I need to keep doing what I’ve been doing so well – putting one foot in front of the other and getting through each day – even if sometimes it’s minute by minute.  

Oh, how did I celebrate losing what I weigh?  I ate a fucking lamington – that’s how.  Is there any other way it should have been done?

Thank you all for being here.  I appreciate every single one of you.  I’m sorry if I don’t respond to inboxes as quickly as I used to but I see them there and I feel so much love, support and encouragement in this space.  I am truly blessed. 

 

Trigger warning - suicide

Trigger warning – this blog speaks at length about suicide.

Suicide.  We need to talk about it.  It needs to be a word we say and not hide from.  It’s not an easy topic to talk about.  There’s nothing nice about it.  Nothing happy.  Nothing easy and sure as hell not something anyone wants to speak about but it needs to happen.  Something must be done in order to make sure that people who are feeling this way know that there is help, that there is support and that there are people who are willing and able to have a discussion at any time they need to.  

I’ve had this chat with a few people tonight and the reaction has been the same – they struggled to get into the conversation as it’s uncomfortable to do but once they realised they were safe in speaking about it, we were able to have some really robust discussions about how they would help someone who approached them saying that they wanted to take their life.  Some people knew exactly what they would do and other people weren’t sure about how they would mange the issue.  And how would you manage the issue if you yourself weren't feeling okay?

It was interesting to hear that having a conversation about preventing suicide was something that they would prefer to avoid but when faced with realisation that one day they may receive a call that someone they loved has taken their own life, they will naturally question what more they could have done.  Often there’s nothing more that could have been done but if there was some kind of knowledge that could be shared to facilitate these discussions to make them as gentle as possible, would they have wanted to have the opportunity to have been part of such a conversation?

I’m not suggesting that we all go out and become trained suicide counsellors – not at all.  I am of the strong belief that we need to start speaking about it more so that we are more comfortable in having the conversation.  Every time I see a news story that speaks about the loss of a life due to suicide, they gloss over the topic.  They don’t mention the word.  Why?  There are a few reasons.  Firstly due to the fact that it can trigger people.  They’re also not able to choose who watches the story – the news isn’t always PG rated.  There is also a phenomenon called the Werther effect which essentially is where it is suggested there is an association between media reporting on suicides and subsequent suicides that follow. 

I found a really interesting paper that covers the issue in depth (being a Uni girl, I’ll ensure I cite it correctly!).  Domaradzki (2021) examined the Werther effect in depth (the Werther effect means extensive and emotionally charged coverage of suicides – especially those of celebrities – can lead to an increase in suicidal behaviour in the general population).  The outcome of the review was interesting – it found that the way the media reports on suicide directly affects suicide rates.  It also shows that the media can either increase the risk of suicide or help prevent it – depending on how the subject is handled.  If reporting is responsible and follows best practices, it can help education, reduce stigma, encourage people to seek help and prevent further suicides.  With this in mind, I am still unsure as to why they can’t stipulate what Lifeline does and why they are sharing their number.  It also makes me wonder why they aren’t sharing the suicide call back service which is more preferable to call if you are needing someone to answer quicker.

I don’t know what the solution to the problem is.  I just know that my heart breaks for everyone impacted by it.  I know that I’ve been able to help a lot of people over the years by sharing the things that I have experienced when it’s come to my mental health.  And I hope that this is no different.  I know what it feels like to be there as I survived 2 attempts when I was a Teenager.  I haven’t attempted since I’ve been an Adult but there have been 2 times where I have been close and both times I was in Hospital and I’d chosen to be admitted a few days prior as I could feel that I was going downhill very fast.  The last time was late last year.  

It’s hard to describe what it’s like.  How it feels when you're there.  It’s intense.  It’s not somewhere anyone wants to be.  Ever.  No one is immune.  It doesn’t discriminate.  But we can help each other by getting better at knowing how to talk about it, knowing how to respond, knowing how to act and knowing that just being there for someone sitting in that moment with them can mean more than anyone will ever know.  Let’s be honest – those who have depression or suicidal ideation often get put into the category of someone who is negative, depressed or toxic.  It can be hard to deal with someone when they are down but I personally find it hard to let them drown on their own.  Let’s end the stigma and save lives.

Here are a few helpful resources that you may wish to refer to - 

https://lifelinedirect.org.au/newengland/news/how-to-talk-about-suicide

https://www.suicidepreventionaust.org/news/safe-language/

https://www.mhfa.com.au/how-to-talk-about-suicide-your-words-matter/

https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/suicide/helping-others/

If you are struggling and need someone to talk to, please reach out to your local crisis support service and know you're not alone even if you feel like you are xo 

If you're in Australia, you can contact - 

Suicide call back service - 1300 659 467 - https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/

Lifeline - 13 11 14 - https://www.lifeline.org.au/

Domaradzki, J. (2021). The Werther effect, the Papageno effect or no effect? A literature review. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 18(5), 2396. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph18052396

A little update

I have got so much to write!  It’s been a long time since I sat down to put down everything that has been going on.  I don’t even know where to start!

The last 12 months has been incredibly challenging.  And whilst I can’t say much at the moment due to legalities, I look forward to spilling the Tea when the time comes.  The tea is scolding hot and I have all the receipts.  In a nutshell – I sustained a workplace injury last year and have been off work since.  I have clawed my way back from some of the darkest moments I have ever experienced to be where I am right now.  And it hasn’t been easy but I’m here. 

When I started sharing the story about my weight loss, that is what my focus was.  I’d share exercise videos, progress shots, motivational quotes, random funny things – whatever was going on for me at the time, I’d focus on as such, this has seen the content that I share change (and become less and less).  My focus has been more so on my mental health and getting through each day.  Anything else that I manage to achieve is a bonus. 

My darkest days were between August 2024 and November 2024.  A lot of it I don’t remember.  I know I spent a lot of time in bed sleeping or reading.  I know that I struggled to eat.  I had no energy to exercise.  I stopped being able to provide for my family – cooking, cleaning, keeping track of appointments and other daily tasks became something that I found almost impossible to complete.  Every single day I’ve had to push through and try a little harder than the day before to be where I am now and even then I’m still not fully back to being ‘me’.

I was assessed for ADHD back in November last year.  It didn’t surprise me when my Psychiatrist confirmed that I am Neurospicey.  I have been on medication for the last 6 months.  I think it’s helping.  A few weeks ago I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome (which explains a lot).  This has been really hard to push through.  I can’t remember the last time I slept for more than an hour and a half at a time.  I wake up several times during the night and find it hard to get back to sleep.  One of the medications I am on makes me feel very cloudy and I find myself buying things that I don’t remember purchasing or filling out surveys online that I don’t remember completing.  Fun and games!

I start Personal Training again in the next few weeks.  I am super excited but very nervous.  I am the lowest weight that I have been since I was in my Teens and my body has changed so much since I was last there.  I am looking forward to seeing what I can accomplish.  I also plan on recommencing Pole dancing (I was booked in for last week but had to cancel as I was so tired).

I am finding the Psychological challenges of being this size very hard to navigate.  I am finding it hard to look in the mirror as I don’t recognise my face.  It’s the same when I try clothes on – I don’t recognise myself in the mirror.  I am in a size 18 – 20 top and a 20 – 22 pants (roughly – clothing sizes are shit and are just a rough guide).  Body dysmorphia is a real thing as I don’t feel any different to what I did but when I look at myself, that’s when I start picking myself apart.

Over the next few months I want to keep focussing on getting well.  Psychological injuries aren’t fun but they can be a bit tougher to navigate as the rehabilitation process isn’t the same as a physical injury.  If I shattered my knee back in August, I’d probably still have a bit of a limp as a result and people would understand that I’m not as ‘fit’ as I was.  Because you can’t see my injury, people assume that I’m ready to go back to work because I look fine.  But I’m not.  But I will be.

I have hundreds of ideas about what I want to do.  I want to write and publish stories, take on some PT clients, write programs for Young People that focus on wellness and mental health – I want to do all the things.  But I need to remember one thing at a time and all the things will happen.

I feel like I’m closer than I have ever been to where I want to be.  And this makes me happy.  I’m still enjoying the ride and trust that it will take me to where I am supposed to be.

Hooray for hump day!

Wednesday = hump day!  I am so happy that we are half way through the week!  It’s been so busy for me so far and it’s only going to remain like that over the coming days.

I worked a long day today as I had an early morning appointment and then Outreach with the Police until 8:30pm.  I came home, had some salmon and veggies for dinner and I’ve just finished half an hour of Yoga.  My body is so stiff and sore (I put this down to not moving enough!).

My food has been perfect again today.  And now that I’ve done my Yoga, I’ve been able to stick to my goals for the week (so far!).  I’ve also been able to write down what I’m thankful for and drink all my water.  Again, when I write the above, it sounds so simple!  But there were so many occasions today where I could have slipped into ‘easier’ habits.  I was rushing this morning to get my smoothie ready as I didn’t get anything ready last night, I was tired when I got home this evening and it would have been easier to not do anything other than go to bed and I REALLY wanted muffins at work today but I didn’t have any as I know I don’t need any!  There are so many opportunities during my day where I could just decide ‘why the f**k not’ but instead, I am working toward my goal and although it hasn’t been easy, I am glad that I am focused. 

I’m off to meal prep for tomorrow (on the menu tomorrow is a banana smoothie bowl, a thai beef salad, shepherd’s pie and lots of yummy snacks!).  It’s late (11:30pm) so I haven’t had the early night that I know I’ll benefit from but at least I’ve done the things that I actually committed to doing this week.  And I’m proud of that. 

Steph xo

It’s 8:15pm and I’ve managed to get through another day where I’ve put what I need to do first.  I have stuck to my eating plan (I follow the CSIRO total wellbeing diet), I’ve been to the gym and I plan on getting an early night tonight (I always feel better when I do). 

When I was at the gym tonight, I was talking to my beautiful friend Alli.  I said to her how stupid I feel when I don’t go to the gym for weeks and weeks and weeks but I then return to see how quickly I’ve lost my fitness!  This happens every time and I’m over doing it to myself.  Ideally, I’d like to be able to exercise for an hour a day.  And although I am super busy and have so many things to do (kids, work, Uni – everything else in between), I need to prioritise that hour as I feel so much better for it.  And I know that in a few weeks I will have worked out a schedule that suits.  For the moment, I’ve only got this week worked out.  But that’s better than nothing!

I’m not going to write a novel each night here either!  It’s merely a check in – something to keep me accountable.  When I have the chance, I’m going to sit down and read through my blog.  I think I started it 10 years ago.  Maybe more?  I know that I’m going to find recurring patterns – I’m exercising and eating well and then I’m not.  And when I’m not is when I normally go quiet.  I go quiet as it’s easier to ignore what’s going on rather than facing it.  But this time I want to do it differently.  When I feel like going quiet, I’m going to come here and write down what is going on through my head and see if that helps.  It’s time to change the game plan.  I’m over not being committed to myself.  I want the best for me.  And I know I am going to find it.

Steph xo

Guess who's back, back again...

It’s been a while.  I mean a long while.  And so much has happened over the last few years (I don’t even know where to start!) but I’ll aim to cover it but not today.

At the time of writing this entry, my food and water has been on point.  I haven’t had any cravings for junk, I am full and once again KNOW that I have no problems eating well or exercising when I want to but it’s when I don’t want to that impacts my progress.  There is no one else to ‘blame’ other than me.  Why don’t I stay on track 100% of the time?  Because I’m human.  And sometimes unmotivated.  I’m not always disciplined.  And the biggest thing that gets in my way of progress isn’t when I’m overeating but when I’m not eating enough.  This happens when I’m stressed.  And I’ve had a fair bit of that over the last few months.  I’m certainly not making excuses for why I’m back on track for the 1,383,204 time in my life today – I’m just pouring out my thoughts as they come into my mind.

Over the last few weeks I’ve been noticing that I’m feeling tired, lethargic, headachy and frumpy AF.  And I know what will fix that – eating well and exercising.  Sounds simple, right?  It’s not.  It’s hard.  But I need to pick my hard.  What hard do I prefer to deal with?  What hard benefits me more than the other?  What hard brings about positive changes in my life?  It’s certainly not the hard where I’m feeling miserable all the time.

Although I’ve lost 110kg, I have another 65kg to lose.  And I often make the mistake of thinking of it as 65kg rather than 1kg at a time.  Or one week at a time.  Or one meal at a time.  It seems so much.  So overwhelming.  Something that is out of reach.  But I know it’s not.  And in a few weeks when I’m feeling the benefits of changing my lifestyle again, it will feel closer than it ever has before.

My ‘journey’ isn’t just about losing weight.  It’s about my skin feeling nice, not struggling to climb upstairs, being able to chase my kids, feeling confident, loving myself enough to give myself the best and looking after my body.  I love working out with friends, feeling happier, the boost in mood that I get when I’m all sweaty and gross and the feeling of accomplishment that I get each time I do something amazing.  Losing weight is just what happens when I’m eating well and exercising.  It’s the other things that I crave and look forward to the most.  The numbers on the scale are just that – numbers. 

And I don't belong here.  Not in this space.  I didn't come this far to come this far.  I need to keep going.  Pushing through.  Reminding myself that I am capable of doing anything I put my mind to.  Digging as deep as I can to get to where I know I want to be.  I can do it.  I will do it.  I want to do it.  

So here are my goals for the week –

1.       To exercise every day.

2.       To stick to my meal plan as best as I can (I need to leave some room for error!).

3.       To journal every day.

4.       Focus on gratitude and write down 3 things I’m grateful for at the end of each day.

5.       Remind myself of how I feel when I push through the hard bits and get things done.

If you’ve made it this far – thank you for reading!  When I started blogging my journey, I never expected to have anyone be interested in what I’m doing. It started here on Blogspot but then I expanded to Instagram, Facebook and now TikTok!  I document it for me but feel so blessed that I have so many people invested in what I’m doing (for many reasons).  Your messages of encouragement and support mean so much to me.  I appreciate every single one.

Steph xo

Cruises, plastic surgery, blisters and cake!

I wish I had started writing this a few weeks ago but I'm still making the mistake of forgetting to update my blog given the fact I am constantly updating my Facebook and Instagram!  

A few weeks ago, I had an appointment with a Plastic Surgeon about my Tummy Tuck.  I was full of emotions.  I was scared, excited, anxious, nervous... there were butterflies in my stomach.  When I met the Doctor, I was taken back by his approach and his professionalism.  He was eager to help me.  He had a look at my fat (my apron) and said that it's 20kg, if not more.  He touched it, lifted it and studied it.  Although it was daunting, hearing him tell me that it could be removed made me cry and every other single feeling disappeared!  He told me that I'd be in hospital for 2 weeks after the surgery, that it would take around 6 hours to perform and that I'd need a subsequent surgery to follow.  I booked in tentatively with him but ended up having to cancel purely due to cost and lack of funds.

I cried on and off for hours after I saw him.  I cried because I was angry at myself for the fact I let myself get to the position where I have a 20kg bag of skin hanging underneath my belly button, I cried because it can be removed, I cried because I couldn't afford to have it done.  It took me most of the afternoon to get to a place where I felt like I could get a grip and stop focusing on the past but concentrate on the future and what it holds for me.  

I did some investigating and found another surgeon who could perform the same procedure.  I met with him on Friday just gone and it was the biggest waste of time.  The experience I had was the complete opposite of the first one and to be honest, I am so pleased that he wasn't the first one I saw as I think that I would have been turned off seeing anyone about removing my fat again.  I walked in and from the moment I was in his office, he started on me about having a gastric sleeve.  I advised him that I wasn't interested in going down that path.  He explained to me that the tummy tuck and the gastric sleeve go hand in hand.  I informed him that I am still happy with my band and he questioned how that could be given the fact that the port has flipped for a second time.  

He indicated that he didn't believe the lap band was the right type of weight loss surgery for me and continued on about me having a sleeve.  I tried to give him an idea of what happened between 2012 and now but it was hard to get a word in.  My band hasn't failed me and I haven't failed my band.  I've had a few years full of crazy complications that just stopped me from doing what I was doing but now I'm back, better than ever.  He didn't seem to believe me nor did he wish to listen to what I had to say.  He also suggested that I have just as much control over my weight loss as what I do my sexuality.  I hope he didn't see me raise my eyebrows as I did feel myself do it.

He informed me that he believes that my weight loss surgeon had 'poisoned my mind' over having a sleeve and I needed to ask myself why my surgeon isn't performing the sleeve in this day and age.  He suggested to me that my band may slip any day now and that I should watch out for that as it could be fatal.  I really didn't appreciate the fear that he was trying to instill nor did I appreciate the fact that he was speaking about my surgeon in that manner.  Although I had decided that I wasn't going to be seeing him at this point, I asked him what weight he required me to be at before he would perform a tummy tuck.  160kg?  150kg?  140kg?  He couldn't give me an answer.

After being handed a brochure about weight loss surgery (not tummy tucks), I paid my money, went to my car and had a cry.  I felt like I had just wasted my whole day.  I'm glad I didn't have any expectations about the appointment but I didn't for a moment expect that he wouldn't speak to me in detail about what I went there for which was the tummy tuck.  He did look at my stomach for about 15 seconds.  He acknowledged that it was 'very large' but that was it.  I won't be going back although he did invite me to come back after I had my port fixed and after I had lost more weight.  He also suggested that next time I come to see him, I try and open my mind about sleeve surgery.  That's not something I need right now.  

That night, I felt like cake!  I could have eaten a WHOLE cake!  Out of interest, I looked up how many KJ a Coles chocolate mud cake has.  In all honesty, I used to be able to eat half a chocolate mud cake over the space of a few hours.  There are 8,862KJ in a WHOLE mud cake!  I like my meals to be less than 1100KJ!  OMG!  I couldn't believe it.  Although I was never going to go and get cake, I was convinced never to have cake again!  Well maybe not never but never in such a huge quantity!  Urgh.  Disgusting.

I was very proud of myself on Saturday morning.  I didn't set my alarm on Friday night due to the fact I had been crying and I just wanted to wake up naturally.  I woke up at 7.35am and felt like going to the gym but remembered Parkrun was on as well.  I sent a message to one of my gorgeous friends (Megan) who I know attends asking her where you parked as I'd never been there.  She told me and she let me know that you needed to register by 7.50am to participate.  I honestly didn't think I'd get there but I DID!  Before I knew it, I was on my way!  For those of you who aren't familiar with Parkrun, it's a 5km track and each week you try to beat your previous time.  It's not a race against anyone else but you.  

I had such a great pace going!  I had my music blaring, I was going about 5.5km an hour.  It was such a gorgeous morning.  It wasn't hot or cold and the air was fresh.  I really needed a good walk after the day I had before.  The people who were running had obviously disappeared into the distance but the way this track works is you go 2.5km up and then you turn around and come back.  As the people who were running started to come back, I could see almost each person was talking to me.  I took my head phone out to hear what they were saying.  People were saying 'well done', 'good on you', 'great work' - just the most wonderful things that just kept me going.  I was humbled and felt so blessed to be part of something so amazing.

I was going so well until around the 2km mark, I felt something in my shoes.  It felt like little rocks but when I investigated, I noticed that I was getting blisters.  I had to keep going.  I was in agony.  I had about 1km left and I saw someone walking toward me.  It was one of my other gorgeous friends, Sylvia.  She had come back to make sure I finished it!  She had no idea about my blisters but wanted to keep me company.  I told her I was struggling and she kept me going.  I got to the end and sat down and that's when the blisters filled with fluid!  I ended up deciding to go to the Podiatrist a few hours later and she drained them.  I'm not allowed to do anything for a week and I've bought some new socks which I've been told are blister proof by more than one person - find them here if you'd like - https://www.steigen.com.au/ and I can't wait to try them out!  If you'd like to look at doing a Parkrun, check out this website to see if there is one near you - https://www.parkrun.com/ I can't wait to do my next one but not for at least another week :)

Yay!  All done!

Being handed my finished token

Almost at the finish line!

Nearly there!

OMG my feet were KILLING right about here!

This was the shot that Parkrun took.  I love it.  I was actually jogging in this shot (I did jog for a bit of Parkrun but not all of it).

I went on a Cruise in February.  It was a 4 night Cruise to Eden.  I was SO proud of myself that I didn't over indulge and I exercised whilst I was on it!  I used the gym and the day that the gym was really busy, I ran around on the running track.  It was important to me that I kept up my routine as I didn't want to be out of it.  I did have a few treats - I had three cocktails throughout the cruise, 2 slices of pizza, a very small slice of chocolate cake and a small chocolate tart.  I wasn't going to deprive myself but I didn't over indulge and I don't feel guilty for anything that I had.  It's easy to make the right choices on a cruise it's just a matter of doing so!  The good food is there but you've just got to want it! 

Strawberry Daiquiri :)

It was lovely weather on the cruise.  I'm not a sun baker as it isn't safe but I do think I ended up with a bit of a cruise glow!

Running on the running track on the boat.  Behind me is Eden, NSW.

The gym on the boat was awesome!  There wasn't a lot of equipment but the view made up for it.

My gorgeous twinnies <3 i="">

The green track is the running track that goes around the top deck.  It's 200 meters.  I did 4km.

Pacific Jewel.  There's no one around as it's first thing in the morning!  Most people are still in bed!

Other than a few blisters that are holding me back for a week and a plastic surgery brick wall, things are fantastic.  I am so pleased with how they are going.  I'm continuing to eat well, I am losing weight, I am still motivated and am still on track.  I'm 132 days into my new (well, not so new) lifestyle and I can't see myself turning back anytime soon.  

I weighed in on the 1.2.2018 at 174.8kg.  I've lost 22.9kg and I couldn't be happier.  I've been working hard but I know I can work harder.  I hope to be under 170kg by April.  I haven't been that light since 2011.  I would be ecstatic to be there again.  Bring it on :) 

My pending tummy tuck appointment

Before I start, I would just like to give an advance warning that I am going to be talking about my 'fatty apron' or 'overhang' or 'lower stomach' or whatever you like to call it.  I refer to it as 'my fat' and although I haven't written it yet, this may be uncomfortable for some readers to read so if you're not into reading about a topic such as this, I suggest you click right here where you're be redirected to a picture of a beautiful Pug laying on a pink blanket.

If you're a regular reader of my blog, you know I say it how it is and provide an honest, real life account of my life.  This topic is no different but for some reason I find it a little more touchy to speak about.  I'm not sure why. 

As I have lost more weight, my fat has started to hang down more.  As I've mentioned in one of my previous blogs, it's almost down to my knees.  I can't stand it.  It stops me from doing a lot of things.  Sitting normally doesn't happen as it has to sit between my legs, I don't have a lap as my fat takes up my lap, I can't wear jeans as there is no way they would fit over my pat and when I wear pants, I am so self conscious of it as I know it looks awful.  It's very heavy (anywhere between 15kg - 20kg) and I feel like I'm dragging it around. 

I have an appointment on Tuesday to see a plastic surgeon about getting it removed.  I made this appointment some months ago as I wanted to lose a bit more weight before I saw him.  I have no idea what he's going to recommend or suggest but I am nervous all the same.  The thought of standing in front of someone to show them my fat freaks me out a bit and although I know that he does this for a living and has seen lots and lots of fat, this is my fat and is on me!  

I'm sure that it's obvious that I am not considering this type of surgery for any other reason than medical reasons.  I've been in hospital before with cellulitis because of a sore on my fat.  I was in there for 12 days and I almost died due to blood poisoning.  When I see the surgeon, I'll chat to him about some of my future thoughts such as my inner thighs and my under arms.  As you can imagine, when someone has lost as much weight as I have, your skin sags.  I look like a melted candle when I'm standing in front of the mirror naked!  Whilst I have taken photos, I will only share them once I've had my surgery.  Whilst I love putting everything out there - this is one thing I am embarrassed and ashamed of.  Happy to share pics where you can't see everything even if you can see the outline of things.  

I'm in a tummy tuck group on Facebook and the girls in there have been fantastic and have offered me lots of support, advice and insight into what they have been through but the only problem is I haven't been able to find anyone in that group who has fat as big as mine but it's interesting to hear that many of the girls in the group have said that the pain after they had their tummy tuck was no where near as bad as what having a C-Section was which is comforting to know.  I also know that he will examine my fat, measure it and look at what it does when I'm laying down flat on my back.  

Me being me, I naturally catostrophise and think of every possible scineario (good or bad) for every situation!  I may go in there and he'll tell me that there is nothing he can do until I've lost another x amount of kilograms or he may tell me he can operate next month.  Only time will tell.  I shall write an update on Tuesday!

Dear bully

Dear bully,

You and your group of minions have been on my mind a lot lately.  I know it's been over 20 years since I saw you but there's not a day that goes past when I don't think of you and what your crew put me through.  Whether that be because of an article I read about the long term impacts of bullying or because I see the hurt in the eyes of my daughter when she comes home from school after being ostracized by a group of 9 year old 'mean girls', you seem to enter my mind more often than I would like.  I'm hoping that after I've written this letter that stops.

Although this letter is to you, I am also addressing your sheep.  The ones that weren't brave enough to stand up to you when you treated others like shit.  For obvious reasons, I won't name and shame but you're either A). reading this feeling really proud that you've managed to stay under my skin for so long, B). reading this and feeling remorseful and resentful and are ashamed of the things you're doing or C). not reading as you've moved on with your life and you probably wouldn't even remember my name.  My guess is it's 'C' as you would't remember my name as you never called me by my name - you always referred to me as 'fatty boom ba' or 'fat bitch'.

I actually spoke about you today to my best friend.  We were discussing the impacts of bullying and this is where your name came up.  I googled your name to find out what you're up to these days.  I find it interesting that you didn't become the successful television actress that you aspired to be but ended up behind the camera instead.  I find it interesting that you have written articles about a topic that I feel very strongly about - marriage equality.  I like to think that we have one thing in common that we want everyone to belong and treated as an equal.  I read your article with interest and I'm impressed with your use of vocabulary.  This was not a skill I knew you had given the fact that you only used a few words to describe me - ones that many mastered in Kindergarten and didn't feel the need to use so frequently as you did once they became an adolescent.  

Through my stalking skills, I have discovered that you research social and cultural norms in our society (past and present) and have written some captivating pieces full of long words like the ones that are scattered amongst the pages of my University text books (the ones that I am too afraid to admit I don't know the meaning of so I quickly google them to ensure no one identifies my flaws) and I see you've won prizes for your achievements and dedication.  You should be proud.  I found a photo of you.  You haven't changed a bit.  Whilst I don't want to sound like a bully and therefore a hypocrite, I do want to make mention that your nostrils are still rather large.  I remember how they would flare open to the point where I would wonder how many sultanas I could fit up them.  It's amazing the things that went through my mind when you were centimeters away from my face reminding me of how fat and worthless I was and this is why I had no friends.  

I want you to know that you put me through hell.  I want you to know how hard it was for me to come to school every day.  I want you to know that I have a permanent indent around my stomach from where I used to wear a belt in order to try and make a waste.  I would tighten it so hard that my skin would be itchy, red and blistery at the end of the day but at least when I put my hands on my waist, it would look as though I wasn't as fat as I was  I want you to know that I wouldn't eat my lunch because of you.  I thought this would make me skinnier.  I tried the whole vomiting thing as well but that wasn't for me. 

I wanted you to know that when I think about the time you locked me off the bus because if I was let on I would 'pop the tyres', I can feel my eyes sting when I try to hold back the tears.  If that wasn't bad enough, I can still remember the time when you asked the class to sing 'I feel the earth move under my feet' through the little bus windows as I headed to the office to call my mother to pick me up.  I failed the assignment that we were supposed to do as I never saw the play we were supposed to review.  In fact, it wasn't long after that I left that school.  

I've been bullied before but what you subjected me to was disgusting.  I don't even have words for it.  It was torture . You seemed to tap away at me bit by bit until I broke.  Perhaps if I'd broken sooner you wouldn't have kept going but because I was advised to ignore you or not to react to you as this is the only way it would stop.  I didn't react to you and I did ignore you but you were relentless.  You just kept on going and going and going.  And how I wish I had my time again where I would just tell you to shut the fuck up and just stop but I can't do that as the time has passed so I need to find a way of moving on and this is where this letter comes into play.

You and your friends are part of the reason I am who I am today.  You are the reason why I stick up for myself when someone is nasty to me or makes an unnecessary comment about my weight because I should have done it when I had the chance.  You are the reason I need to have at least 10 come backs stored up in my mind just in case some smart ass shouts something to me from their car window as I walk down the street because your constant taunts and bullying silenced me and I didn't know what to say.  You are the reason I turn Carole King off when I hear her song on the radio because I only hear your voice when it comes on the radio.  You're also one of the reasons I'm too scared to go to a school reunion.  You are the reason I'll never stand by and let someone do what you did to me.  

As hard as it is for me to say this and even though I've deleted and rewritten this sentence a good twenty times, I forgive you for the way you treated me and I'm hoping that I can also forget.  One thing I've learnt about bullies over my time is that they bully others because of their own insecurities.  Now that I'm older and wiser, I can only guess what yours were and I'm sorry for whatever you were going through at the time that made you feel as though you could treat me the way you did.  From what I found out about you today, it seems as though you were able to turn around whatever was eating at you as a teenager into something good and I hope that has made you into a better person.  I don't wish you any harm nor would I ever wish what you did to me on you but I do believe in karma and when your karma comes, I hope you think of me just like I have thought of you.

Stephanie.

Keepin' it real

I've always been honest about my weight loss journey and like everything, with the highs come the lows and today I was feeling low.  Why am I sharing this here?  Because I'm only human and I can't expect to always feel like a Superhero.  To be honest, sometimes I wish I could wake up at my ideal weight and not have to go through all of this.  I find inspiration from posts from some of the amazing people I follow on Instagram, especially their before and afters but it's important for me to remember that they didn't look like their after without putting in the hard yards.  I'm 76 days into this journey.  I've lost 13.8kg in that time and I lost 22cm in the last month and i have lost 59.1kg since my journey began!  I've done an amazing job.  I focus on how far I've come rather than how far I've got to go and I'm not feeling shitty because I've got so far to go - I'm feeling shitty simply because that's okay!

Until tonight, I hadn't exercised until Wednesday which for me is a big deal.  I try and get to the gym at least 5 times a week and when I try and justify it by saying 'this week I haven't had the chance', in the back of my mind I hear myself saying 'excuses don't burn calories'.

I planned on doing ParkRun on Saturday (yesterday) but it was too hot.  I am going to do it this Saturday instead.  I was a bit grumpy about it and didn't feel like doing anything yesterday except for keeping cool as it was 42 degrees.

I ended up going out for a walk with the dogs and the kids tonight.  It was nice to get out and get some fresh air.  I didn't walk as far as I wanted to (anyone with dogs who like to sniff everything would get why!) but at least I got out of the house and moved!  

My eating hasn't been bad but it hasn't been good.  Let's put it this way - I wouldn't have put weight on from what I've eaten over the past few days.  I've still stayed under my calories but I haven't had nearly as much fresh food as what I normally have and my water intake has been really bad!

So this week, my goal is to exercise at least 5 times for an hour each time (this is doable as this is what I normally do!) and I'll ensure my food is on point along with my water intake.  I will put in everything I have got during my PT session with Ivan on Tuesday.  I shall suck it up, put on my big girl panties and continue my journey and work my butt off to achieve my goals.  I shall allow myself to feel annoyed and whingy if that's what I need to do so long as I don't let it get in the way of what I want to achieve!