121kg - I now weigh what I've lost!

I finally did it.  I weigh the same as what I’ve lost – 121kg.  When I stood on the scales and saw those numbers, it was quite surreal.  It was different to when I had officially lost 100kg as I had been actively trying to get to that point but this was different – I haven’t been trying to lose weight this time round – I have been trying to keep my head above water.  Weight loss is something that has been happening quietly in the background whether I’m ready for it or not.  So when I saw those numbers a few weeks ago, I didn’t get too excited as I know that I’ll see them again and again over the next few months as one thing I’ve learned very well is weight loss is not linear – I’ll never say ‘I’ve lost such and such forever’ as I probably haven’t. 

I know I’m going to get asked – how have I lost the weight over the last 6 months.  Whilst I haven’t been as active on socials as I normally am, I have been posting my stories.  I walk most days, I drink at least 2 litres of water on most days and I’ve been focussing a lot on trying to get good quality sleep (although it doesn’t always work!).  I’ve also been in a calorie deficit (whether it be a good thing or a bad thing as some days I wasn’t able to eat due to stress).  I’m also on a medication called Zyban which is being used to treat my depression – some people lose up to 5% of their body weight on this medication (that would have been about 7kg for me).  Now that I'm a better head space and I'm doing all the 'normal' things again, I am going to notice my weight hover around the 120kg mark for a while and that's okay.

It's been hard seeing myself get smaller.  I haven’t celebrated it like I have in previous years.  Not because I’m not proud of myself or ecstatic that it’s happened – I am but Psychologically, I’m not ready for it as I’m trying so hard to keep my shit together that I don’t have time to process the image that is staring back in the mirror at me or the fact that I now slide into size 20 pants.  I haven’t been this weight since my late teens/early twenties.

Because I haven’t been up to going to the gym or doing much else other than what I have been, I haven’t been toning so my skin is wobbly!  Especially my ‘bat wings’.  I’m not worried about this as I know it will only take me a few months to feel more comfortable with them once I start doing some exercises but even when I type that, I try and find an answer to ‘when will you feel like toning up?’ and there is no answer there.

I think the biggest thing I’ve struggled with over the last 12 months is the lack of motivation and interest I have had in anything.  It simply doesn’t exist.  The last 12 months for me has been a challenge – it was this time last year I advised my Psychologist that I didn’t think the job I was in at the time was what they said it was going to be and sure enough, 4 months later I’d find myself in Hospital experiencing suicidal ideation.  None of that was on my bingo card for 2024/2025.  But it happened.  And I ended up in a slump.  One that would end up being one of the biggest fights of my life and one that would change the direction I was heading in.

I’ve really had to be gentle on myself and show myself compassion – something I’m not good at doing.  I am my own worst critic and I used to speak to myself in a horrible way but being kind, understanding and accepting a lot of stuff that I haven’t wanted to has been hard.  I haven’t worked since August 2024 because I haven’t been able to.  I believe I’m almost ready to dip my toe into something again but what that looks like, I don’t know.  Part of that excites me but the other part is terrified because it’s really made me look at where I want to be and I think I know where that is.  It’s right here doing this.  Sharing my experiences in order to help others and using my battles to help others feel strong.

Sorry to use the C word but… in 2020 when Covid hit, I thought that is when I was at the peak of my game.  I was at the gym every day, I was eating well, I had started my ‘workout with Steph’ groups and had started rolling out the program that I had written.  And then bang.  Covid hit.  And I headed in a different direction at that point.  I was doing things that I still enjoy doing – mainly Youth work but found it hard to get back on path that I was on which is why perhaps this is a blessing in disguise.

I’m the type of person that believes everything happens for a reason.  I don’t mean that the things that happen are always going to be nice or pleasant (a lot of them are fucked up!) but I like to think that those experiences shape us and prepare us for our next adventure which makes me grateful for the struggles I’ve encountered in the last 12 months – it’s given me a greater appreciation for a lot of things and has pushed me out of my comfort zone more times than I wanted but did I die?  No.

What’s next for me?  I’d like to hope that slowly I can get back into what I was doing – Personal Training, coaching, counselling, workshops, podcasts, groups – all the things!  But for the moment, I need to keep doing what I’ve been doing so well – putting one foot in front of the other and getting through each day – even if sometimes it’s minute by minute.  

Oh, how did I celebrate losing what I weigh?  I ate a fucking lamington – that’s how.  Is there any other way it should have been done?

Thank you all for being here.  I appreciate every single one of you.  I’m sorry if I don’t respond to inboxes as quickly as I used to but I see them there and I feel so much love, support and encouragement in this space.  I am truly blessed.