A little update

I have got so much to write!  It’s been a long time since I sat down to put down everything that has been going on.  I don’t even know where to start!

The last 12 months has been incredibly challenging.  And whilst I can’t say much at the moment due to legalities, I look forward to spilling the Tea when the time comes.  The tea is scolding hot and I have all the receipts.  In a nutshell – I sustained a workplace injury last year and have been off work since.  I have clawed my way back from some of the darkest moments I have ever experienced to be where I am right now.  And it hasn’t been easy but I’m here. 

When I started sharing the story about my weight loss, that is what my focus was.  I’d share exercise videos, progress shots, motivational quotes, random funny things – whatever was going on for me at the time, I’d focus on as such, this has seen the content that I share change (and become less and less).  My focus has been more so on my mental health and getting through each day.  Anything else that I manage to achieve is a bonus. 

My darkest days were between August 2024 and November 2024.  A lot of it I don’t remember.  I know I spent a lot of time in bed sleeping or reading.  I know that I struggled to eat.  I had no energy to exercise.  I stopped being able to provide for my family – cooking, cleaning, keeping track of appointments and other daily tasks became something that I found almost impossible to complete.  Every single day I’ve had to push through and try a little harder than the day before to be where I am now and even then I’m still not fully back to being ‘me’.

I was assessed for ADHD back in November last year.  It didn’t surprise me when my Psychiatrist confirmed that I am Neurospicey.  I have been on medication for the last 6 months.  I think it’s helping.  A few weeks ago I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome (which explains a lot).  This has been really hard to push through.  I can’t remember the last time I slept for more than an hour and a half at a time.  I wake up several times during the night and find it hard to get back to sleep.  One of the medications I am on makes me feel very cloudy and I find myself buying things that I don’t remember purchasing or filling out surveys online that I don’t remember completing.  Fun and games!

I start Personal Training again in the next few weeks.  I am super excited but very nervous.  I am the lowest weight that I have been since I was in my Teens and my body has changed so much since I was last there.  I am looking forward to seeing what I can accomplish.  I also plan on recommencing Pole dancing (I was booked in for last week but had to cancel as I was so tired).

I am finding the Psychological challenges of being this size very hard to navigate.  I am finding it hard to look in the mirror as I don’t recognise my face.  It’s the same when I try clothes on – I don’t recognise myself in the mirror.  I am in a size 18 – 20 top and a 20 – 22 pants (roughly – clothing sizes are shit and are just a rough guide).  Body dysmorphia is a real thing as I don’t feel any different to what I did but when I look at myself, that’s when I start picking myself apart.

Over the next few months I want to keep focussing on getting well.  Psychological injuries aren’t fun but they can be a bit tougher to navigate as the rehabilitation process isn’t the same as a physical injury.  If I shattered my knee back in August, I’d probably still have a bit of a limp as a result and people would understand that I’m not as ‘fit’ as I was.  Because you can’t see my injury, people assume that I’m ready to go back to work because I look fine.  But I’m not.  But I will be.

I have hundreds of ideas about what I want to do.  I want to write and publish stories, take on some PT clients, write programs for Young People that focus on wellness and mental health – I want to do all the things.  But I need to remember one thing at a time and all the things will happen.

I feel like I’m closer than I have ever been to where I want to be.  And this makes me happy.  I’m still enjoying the ride and trust that it will take me to where I am supposed to be.