Sunday, March 27, 2011

Learning to let go

I LOVE pink Mostaco. I only discovered the pink one after I had my Surgery which is a shame as it is SO good. I wish I had have known about it prior to when I took losing weight and being healthy seriously. I would have had bottle after bottle of it then!

The last few weeks have been such a rollercoaster ride. It was this time last week I was leaning to accept the phenomenal amount of weight that I have lost. I am so proud of myself. I see Dr Winnett in just under a month. My aim is to be under 185kg by the time I see him and if I work hard, perhaps I’ll be even be under that. I can’t wait.

Last night, I spent a long tie talking to someone about my weight loss and how much it has changed my life. This person has no idea how much they weigh at the moment. I spent at least an hour talking to them about a lot of things. How they used t have emotion about how much they weighed, how they used to see how much their weight was holding them back, how uncomfortable they were within themselves.

I can say from experience that when you get to the weight that this person is or the weight that I was , you end up just accepting that it’s something that you may not be able to change so you give up. Sure, you might have a half hearted go at losing it – just like this person has since they’ve seen how I have been going since I had my surgery but , I think that they’re doing it as they feel scared of what life is going to be like once I weigh less than them. I know that this person is proud of the change that I’m going through and they verbalise it quite frequently but it’s hard watching them go in the complete opposite direction to what I’m going in. And I think they find this hard too.

I didn’t realise that this would have such an impact on my relationships. There have been both positive and negative responses. More positive than negative but, as I change physically, I am also changing emotionally. I don’t want to leave this person behind but, it’s up to them to make a change. Surgery might not be the answer for them but it was for me. And I was the only one who could make this change. It was my decision – my choice. And it has to be theirs as well. I support them in whatever they choose to do. I just can’t watch them go on killing themselves with the food choices they make. Pizza, Maccers, Red Rooster, soft drink – it’s up to them what they do but it’s hard to stand by and know how bad this stuff is for them.

I spoke to Michael (my personal trainer) about some of the people in my life who I worry about at the moment and as he said, I need to focus on myself. He is right. He is right when he says that I am the one who has made changes to benefit myself and I can’t do any more than what I have done. I need to stop feeling insecure about feeling secure. And I need to stop feeling insecure about other people’s insecurities as that is just going to rub off on me. I still care about those around me but I have to invest the positive energy into myself. When others are ready, they know I am here. It’s hard to let that part go but, I have to do it for myself and my health.

I’ve had some really hurtful things said about me about my weight (behind my back) by people whom I love and thought loved me.  I have also had people I thought loved me not say things to me.  I am not sure which is worse.  What I do know is that spending more time on me and less time worrying about the things that are impacting on me in a negative way is only going to benefit me.  People who can't celebrate in my success are only going to bring me down.

As most of you know, in the next few years, I will be publishing a book about my journey. I often think about the sorts of things that I should put in my book. I have read a lot of lap banding books and some of them are in a fantastic format. I am not sure how I want mine to be yet. I do want the raw feel about it and to include my blog entries as they are (minus the spelling and grammar and other mistakes, of course!). I also want to include the messages I’ve received from people who want to see me do well and have been encouraging me along the way. Before and after photos are a must as well. As I get further into my journey, a lot of stuff is going to start coming out. Things that I have touched on but haven’t elaborated on much. I have been thinking a lot about me and how I got to this point and this place. I have been doing a lot of work on self-discovery, letting go and accepting the things that I can’t change and working on the things that I can.

When I was speaking to my 9 year old, Callum, I said that I am in one of the best places I have ever been. Life is going along so well. Sure, it has it’s ups and downs but at east I have the energy and drive to tackle them and the want to make things better rather than just settling for what I have, I now have drive and determination to strive and work toward what I deserve.

It’s amazing what a few glasses of wine can do for the soul!