A month goes by so fast!

Once again, I had no idea I had abandoned my blog for so long!  I have so much to catch up on!

Where to start?  Firstly, I have continued to stick to my clean eating lifestyle.  It's been 66 days since I started and I haven't looked back.  I saw my weight loss surgeon last week (Jason Winnett).  Jason advised me I haven't seen him for 2 years.  It was great to catch up with him and let him know how I'm tracking.  He was impressed that I had quit sugar and that I was giving my struggle with weight loss another push.  He weighed me (my scales are 1kg out in comparison to his) and wrote out a slip for me to go and have .5ml in my band.  I'll do that in mid January.  As I said, I don't have much fill in at all which means I've been doing it on my own (well, mostly).  He also wrote me another referral to see the Plastic Surgeon.  I'm seeing him in February next year and I can't wait to hear what he has to say (more on that in a moment).  I am seeing Jason at the end of January.  I am aiming to lose as much as I can in that time.  Now that Christmas is over, I have a fighting chance! 

Christmas fruit platter

Jason said that he believes my fat (fatty apron/overhang - whatever you call it but I call it fat!) weighs anywhere between 15 - 20kg.  He was surprised to hear that I am able to do as much as I can with it.  I can't wait for it to go as it really impacts my mobility.  It is almost down to my knees and has dropped so much more in the last few years.  It doesn't hurt my back unless I am standing for long periods of time.  It is also very heavy.  I don't mind answering questions about it so if you have any, fire away.  Someone asked me the other day how I do stuff at the gym with it.  I just do.  When I'm using the bike or the leg press, it just 'sits' between my legs.  I've started wearing bike pants under all of my clothes which helps secure it a bit.  I know some people when they have plastic surgery feel quite sad about it as it's part of them.  I don't feel like this is part of me.  It's the aftermath of excessive weight gain and then loss.  It's an inconvenience and a hassle and aside from all of the practical things I'll be able to do (cross my legs like a lady, use the exercise bike, not have to worry about checking it every day for sores), I'll be able to wear jeans and pants!  At the moment, jeans won't go over it.  Elasticated loose pants do but they look awful.  I haven't worn pants anywhere other than the gym since I took that photo of myself at the gym when I first started back.  I am very conscious of it.

I did have a few days off over Christmas but in saying that I didn't exceed my calorie intake.  I am the first to admit that I am NOT perfect and last night I was craving pizza so I ordered some.  I had a slice which is good for me as I didn't have the whole thing but what I've come to learn is that it's okay to have a piece of pizza - it's not okay to eat the whole thing!  Everything in moderation and there is no guilt associated with my choice.  It wasn't an emotional choice, it was simply because I wanted it and because I could!  

I've continued to see my personal trainer (Ivan) every week.  I didn't see him on Boxing Day but I'll get right back into it in the New Year.  I've also continued to go the gym at least 5 times a week.  I headed back there today for the first time since before Christmas and I can't tell you how much I missed it.  It was great to be back and continue to smash my goals.  I went on the cross trainer today and managed to get 1.06km in 10 minutes - one of my first recorded efforts back on the 31.10.2017 was .71km in 10 minutes.  I am kicking goals.

Me at the gym today - 28.12.2017

One of my sessions with Ivan

Another of my sessions with Ivan.  This one was a killer!

Recently I've discovered the joy in not giving a f*ck about what others think.  I find it liberating to head to the gym in bike pants because I know I'll be more comfortable rather than wearing tracksuit pants simply to cover up for Joe Blow because I'm worried about offending them.  So the other day when I was at the beach and didn't have a towel or any spare clothes and the twins wanted me to swim with them, I thought 'f*ck it' and stripped down to my underwear and went out in the water with them!  They loved every minute of it and I embraced being able to have that moment with them.  I normally watch from the sidelines which isn't like me when it comes to water.  I'm over being alive but not living.  I am so pleased that I can see that is slowly changing.  This is because I am starting to feel better about myself and why shouldn't I?  I've lost almost 60kg since I began my weight loss journey back in 2010 but I've lost 10.3kg in the last 3 months.  I'm very pleased with my results.  I'd love for others to stop worrying about what people think and start living for themselves rather than living for others.  Like that top?  Buy it.  Want to wear those pants?  Wear them.  If you'r'e comfortable in them, why not?  Want to go swimming?  Do it!  Stop letting the thoughts of others worry you.  We are only here once - live your life the fullest with no regrets.

Beach with my babies - 26.12.2017

Whilst I have the floor at the moment, I wanted to touch on something that really grinds my gears!  People who don't let those who have had weight loss surgery be proud of their achievements.  These sorts of people have no idea of the weight loss journey that belongs to someone who has undergone surgery.  I know for me it was something I HAD to have or else I would have died.  I am a member of a Facebook weight loss group where if you have had weight loss surgery, your success isn't celebrated the same way as what the loss of other's is.  If you dare post about your success and someone questions you on if you've had weight loss surgery or not and you answer yes, your post is removed and quit often you will be as well.  I sent an email to the 'powers that be' (the ones who run the group) sharing my story and asking them to allow those who have had weight loss surgery to be able to feel good about their achievements rather than shaming or silencing them but I am still waiting for an acceptable response.  They are obviously ignorant into the work that myself and others have to put in even after having surgery.  Having surgery will only do so much - it's the diet, exercise and tears that does the rest.  I go to the gym just as much (if not more) than someone who hasn't had weight loss surgery!  I'm also losing less than some people who haven't had weight loss surgery!  How does my surgery give me an advantage over others AND prevent me from being able to share my success with others.  I shall write more about this in the coming weeks as it's something that makes my blood boil!  

2018 is around the corner - I want to wish every single one of you good health, love and happiness.  

See you on the other side <3 3="" font="">

What an awesome week!

It's been a fantastic week!  I didn't realise that I hadn't blogged for quite a while.  I think it's because I update Facebook and Instragram daily that I forget about my blog.  Where was I up to...

I haven't blocked since last Thursday night.  So much has happened since then!  I'm still going strong with my eating and exercise.  As an emotional eater, I have dreaded the first time that I got stressed and felt like eating my feelings.  I had my first test the other day where I got a bit stressed and felt like I could demolish a whopper with cheese (actually, a quadruple whopper with cheese!).  I drove past Hungry Jacks without a second thought and took a huge bite of my apple!  Although I didn't think I would have gone there, I know I would occasionally stop there on the way home from work to have a sneaky burger without the kids knowing. 

I've made sure that on a work day that I pack an piece of fruit to eat on the way home as if I have this, I am not hungry when I walk in the door and don't snack whilst making dinner.  It's small changes like this that I have introduced that help keep me going and allow me to stick to my plan.

I went for a walk/run with the twins last week.  They have never seen me run!  I had my couch to 5k app going and when it asked me to run, I did!  The twins were on their bikes and they turned around and saw me.  They started laughing before asking me what I was doing.  I told them that I was running and once they realised I was serious (and stopped calling me the park monster), they each took turns riding their bikes next to me.  The park near me has a big hill and a cricket ground and there were kids training on it and their parents were all sitting on the side watching.  When I was about 20 meters away from the cricket club, my app said 'start running'.  So I did.  For a moment I was hesitant as I know that a fat person running can be something quite curious but I thought 'f*ck it' and did it anyway.  I couldn't tell you if anyone was looking nor could I tell you if anyone cared.  I was running, staring at the ground (so I didn't fall flat on my face!) with my 9 year old son beside me and right at that very moment, I was so proud.  

I headed to the gym on Saturday an did lots of weights as this is something that I haven't been incorperating over the last few weeks.  It's so important that I do.  I bought some gloves to wear whilst doing them as my hands get so sweaty and I lose grip.  That is asking for trouble!  I'm sure people are sick of seeing my sweaty selfies but I am actually quite impressed at how sweaty I get after a work out!  I purposely avoid wearing dark tops so that I can see how hard I've worked when the front is all soaked!  I know, I know - I'm strange but it is very satisfying!  

Yes, I was pulling silly faces on purpose :P

I was very pleased with myself when I had my offical weigh day on Monday where i had lost .08kg which bought me down to 191.5kg (I was 192.3kg the week prior) but I was even MORE pleased when I weighed myself on Wednesday to find that I had managed to sneak out of the 190's - I WAS 189KG!  I NEVER want to see the 190's again.  Ever, ever, EVER!  I am also setting myself a goal to see the 170's by the end of the new year.  I am hoping that I can do it (and will do everything I can to get there).  Monday falls on the 1st of January 2018 and I would LOVE to stand on those scales and be in the 170's.  Even if I was 179.9kg, I would be ecstatic.  This is my new goal :)

Goodbye 190s!

I started seeing a new personal trainer last week - his name is Ivan.  Ivan has been teaching my kids basketball for the last 12 months or so and I've been impressed with the way he encourages them and makes them feel good about what they are doing.  I was wrapped when I saw that he also does personal training so I had my first session on Tuesday.  For 60 minutes, he put me through my paces and every single inch of my body felt it!  He filmed bits and pieces of the session (with my permission of course!) and I must admit that I find it really hard to watch it all!  The reason being is when I am running in the video, I feel like I am going 20kmph but I actually look like a turtle!  I worked my BUTT off during that session and I hope it shows.  I have shared clips of it on my FB page - www.facebook.com/movingforwardlookingforward but I took this photo from the video as my face is a mixture of sheer determination, pain and OMG I'm going to die!  I know it's not the most flattering of photos but it's one that I look on with pride.  

I am going to back to see him on Monday (I'm really looking forward to it).  Ivan runs basketball clinics along with basketball parties!  He's based Melton and I highly recommend him (even if he does inflict pain on myself and others!).  Check out his page here - https://www.facebook.com/TheIvanHarrisHoopsAcademy/

I had a rest day on Friday and although I could have gone to the gym (my body clock is a bit stupid lately and I wake up at 4!), I decided not to so that my ankle could have a rest but I have been every single day and even went this morning where I managed to get some swimming in before the swim school started (I quickly got out of the pool so I didn't have to do so in front of all the kiddies!).  

So next week I shall keep doing what I've been doing for the last month - eating well, exercising and drinking water (it sounds simple when I say it like that!).  I also want to check out a thing called mPort.  I'm not sure if you've heard of them but it's where you go an get a scan of your body.  They use infared technology to scan your body and it is able to tell you things about your measurements.  Height, weight, biceps, chest, hips, waist, thighs - you name it, it measures it.  It then generates a 3D avatar which you store on app so when you attend the pod next time, you can compare how well you've done!  Check it out - https://mport.com/ and let me know if you've used one!  I'd love to hear about it.  I may (or may not!) share my avatar with the world when I get it done!

I am going to be planning Christmas treats over the next few days as well.  Christmas at my place this year will look very different to those in the past.  I bought a magazine today to have a flick through and I'll also check out some books at the library.  I'm really looking forward to what sort of things I can come up with this year so my children don't get a crazy sugar high!  If you have any nice recipes, send them through!  I'd love to check them out.

I wanted to thank everyone again for their support and encouragement over the last few weeks.  It is so nice to hear how I am inspiring others to make a difference in their lives.  Knowing that people have started running because they've seen me do it or the fact they have gone into the pool for the first time in years because they have seen I can is very humbling.  I am so blessed to have amazing people in my life.  You can do anything you put your mind to - mind over matter.  Yes, it CAN be hard but it is worth it.

The humble Coles sponge cake ;)

I didn't realise I hadn't blogged in almost a week!  Don't worry - I'm still sticking at it and I've been around on my Facebook page and my Instagram but I need to remember to update here as well!  My Facebook page is www.facebook.com/movingforwardlookingforward and my Instagram user ID is @movingforwardlookingforward

I've had a productive week.  I have stuck to my gym days ensuring that I went on each day except for the days that I work but I'm still yet to work out where to fit in the extra gym session.  I'm thinking Friday or Wednesday morning (it just depends when I can stomach getting up at 4.30am!).

I went for a swim early Saturday morning.  I did laps and also did lots of squats and lunges (I find this hard to do when I'm not in the water) but really enjoy the weightless feeling that water brings.  

On Sunday, I decided to get back into the couch to 5k app.  For those of you who aren't familiar with it, it's an app that gradually introduces running into your routine and says that you'll be off the couch and running 5k in 28 days!  Hmmm, I don't imagine they suspected that a 192kg woman would take up the challenge!  I don't think I'll be running 5k in 28 days but I am giving it my all when I do it.  I've ran 4 times this week and can do around 40 seconds each time (it's interval training).  When I do it, I feel strong, centered and in the zone.  I had a girl running next to me on Monday who acknowledged how well I was doing claiming that she isn't able to run.  I challenge anyone who says they can't do something to give it a shot (obviously if there are no medical reasons for not having a go and no, laziness and having a strong sense of the CBF factor).  

I weighed myself on Monday. I weighed in at 192.3kg and I was 194.4kg the week before.  That's a loss of 2.1kg.  I'm very pleased with that and considering my food was on point as was my exercise (and that I hadn't lost anything the week before), I didn't expect any less!  I hope for the same results on Monday.  

I have eaten so well this week.  I haven't done so well with my water but I have been under my calories each day and have been able to enjoy creamy pastas, sausage bake, stove top lasagna and lots of snacks in between!  The kids have continued to adapt well to not having sugar and I'm still enjoying it and feeling amazing because of it which brings me to my blog title.  I was in Coles tonight and I walked past the $5 Coles iced sponge cake (the one with jam).  I looked at it and was amazed that not even 4 weeks ago I would have picked it up and put it in my basket (especially because it was the last one there!) to divulge tonight and have any that is left over tomorrow.  On the other side, there were some salted caramel fudge slices that I used to love buying. I confess to eating both of the slices in one sitting on more than one occasion but I felt so proud that I no longer do that.  It's not to say that I'll never have food like this again but I am not in a hurry to do so at all.  I'm enjoying the feeling I have at the moment way too much to give it up for something as stupid as a sponge cake which never had enough jam on it anyway!

My FitBit shows that my resting heart rate has gone down again in the last week.  I now have a resting heart rate of 58 beats per minute (BPM) and when I started focusing on my eating and exercise again, it was at 66BPM.  It's gone down almost 10BPM in a few weeks which is amazing.  I am going to have a blood test tomorrow to see where I'm at with other things internally.  I'll be tested for liver function, diabetes, thyroid issues and cholesterol and I'll be retested again in 3 months or so just to see how things are going.  I have always had very good results in the past when I Have had these blood tests so I hope that there are no surprises.  

I've booked into see the plastic surgeon in February 2018.  I'm quite nervous about it to be honest but look forward to hearing what the Doctor has to say.  I hope to have lost a further 18kg before I see them as I recall that is what Dr Winnett said I would have to do before I could be operated on to have my lower stomach removed.  I don't think I'll know myself once it's gone.  I'm really looking forward to what I'll be able to achieve once I'm no longer trapped by it.

As always, I'm so grateful for everyone's support xo it's fantastic to have so many wonderful people surround me on this journey.  

Don't worry - I haven't gone MIA!

Yay!  It's Friday!  And what a week it's been.

First of all, I know I've been quiet over the past few days but that doesn't mean I've gone MIA!  I've been at work and so busy!  

I went to the gym on Monday and Tuesday but I haven't been since.  I've decided that my rest days will be my work days as although I love working out first thing in the morning, getting up at 4.30 was proving to be a bit of a struggle!  I may only do it on Friday morning as I'd like to aim to exercise 5 days per week.  Even if I go to aqua aerobics on a Thursday night, at least I'm getting it in.  I shall work it out next week to better suit my commitments but I'll be back at the gym tomorrow.

As far as eating goes, I have had another fantastic week.  I haven't been that great with my water intake but as far as my food goes, I haven't skipped a beat.  I've been making the most amazing meals - hamburgers, mexican lasagna, enchiladas and meatballs with pasta doesn't sound healthy but they are what's on the menu of 'Healthy Mummy' which is the food we have been having for 2 weeks now.  For the first time in years, I've had healthy and wholesome food for every single meal and I've noticed so many positive things!

The last 2 weeks have been amazing.  I haven't had coffee (or any caffeine) in that time, I haven't had to take pain killers for headaches in that time (except for the initial few sugar withdrawal days!), I've been feeling more energetic, happier, more alert and like I can take on the world.  I haven't had any really strong cravings for things which has also been good.  I'm still not sure if I'm going to weigh myself on Monday as these victories are just as good as any weight loss.  I also noted that my resting heart rate has continued to go down which is a relief.  Check this out!

My resting heart rate - from 65BPM to 61BPM in 10 days!

All in all, I couldn't be happier.  Next week, one of my work colleagues (who walks really, really fast!) has offered to go for a walk with me at lunch time so I'll bring my runners in and do some exercise at lunch time.  As my job is mostly sitting down, it will be refreshing to get out and about for that half an hour.  He promised he will go slow!  I'm very appreciative for his gentle coaxing and encouragement.  

I'm feeling excited about the next few weeks and look forward to seeing how good I feel :)

WTF? 2.3kg on?

I can say without a word of a lie that over the past week, I have been eating perfectly.  I haven't had anything that isn't on my list of things to have, I have watched my portion sizes and I have exercised 6 out of the 7 days of the week just gone so you can imagine my shock when I jumped on the scales this morning and I had put on 2.3kg since last week!  This time last Monday, I was 192.1kg and this morning I am 194.4kg.

Although I'm not best pleased about the numbers, I'm not all that disappointed as I know for a fact that I have done everything right!  It's making me wonder if I should just weigh myself once a fortnight or maybe even just once a month?  There isn't anything I would change about the last week.  I am really proud of how well I've done and I know that my scales aren't wrong but given the fact I'm a female, I know how much the menstrual cycle loves nothing more than to fudge the numbers, I would be building muscle and I have drank more water in the last week than I have in the past year so I know that I'd be retaining fluid. 

My skin feels better over the last week, I am more alert, I haven't had coffee in 10 days, I'm moving more, I'm setting a better example for my kids, I haven't had the up and down energy levels that I have experienced over the past few months nor have I had any sugar withdrawal headaches for over a week!  I'm feeling great.  This can't be measured by the scales.  I'm feeling fantastic.

My goals for this week?  To do exactly the same thing as I did last week but harder!  I'll increase the amount of time I am exercising for and I will push myself even further.  I'll continue to go to the gym before work in the morning and I'll carry on with how I'm planning out the meals.  I am feeling better than I have in a long time and the scales are not the only thing that will determine my success along this journey.  They will only motivate me to keep going and try harder.

I've had a lot of people ask what I'm following and it's called 'healthy Mummy'.  It's clean eating and I am loving it.  There are some amazing recipes and the kids are enjoying it as well.  I joined the 28 day challenge after trying it for 7 days for $1 as I was hooked!  You can check it out here https://www.healthymummy.com/28-day-challenge-signup/?lbwref=868 there are Facebook groups with some of the most inspiring women I've met.  I feel lucky to be part of something which has been life changing and something I actually enjoy doing.

Back at the gym :)

It feels so good to be back at the gym!  I started off by doing 10 minutes on the treadmill, 8 minutes on the cross trainer and 10 minutes on the bike.  I wasn't tired so I thought I would do another 10 minutes on the cross trainer and I am glad I did as afterward, I felt awful (but awesome).  I plan on doing the same tomorrow before I leave for work but I'll increase the activities by a few minutes each to ease myself in. 

Me at 162BPM

I feel so much better after my pity party yesterday.  It wasn't a pity party of sorts.  It was more of a shock at how bad things had gotten.  I've taken before photos several times before but everything has changed since the last one that I took. Today, I called my Surgeon's office and made an appointment to see him in December.  I won't get a fill (I'm quite happy with how I am at the moment).  Although I don't have a lot of restriction, in the past I've found that my band takes a fair while to settle down.  Not something I want to have to deal with right before Christmas.  I'll also get the referral from him for the Plastic Surgeon to discuss my excess skin removal so I can get rid of my 'fat'.  I will be able to move so much more easily with it gone and I'll be able to do so much more.  I know it's a fair way off but it's something I am looking forward to.

I posted on Instagram for the first time in a long time today (my IG is movingforwardlookingforward) and one of my followers said that each time they 'tidied up' their Instagram contacts, they hesitated to delete me as it felt as though they were writing me off.  It is nice that others have had faith in me even when I haven't but like I said on Instagram today, perhaps I haven't always kept on going but one thing I haven't done is give up.  And I won't do that.  

Things are swimming along nicely and I'm enjoying that feeling of achievement :)

Reality bites

I should be having a shower and going down the street to get something yellow for my daughter's dancing class tonight but I need to get this out and write it whilst it's raw.

I weighed in today - I am 192.2kg.  I have lost 5.5kg in a week simply by changing my diet.  Cutting out sugar and caffeine hasn't been easy but it's been well worth my while.  I've gone through a series of mood swings, moments where I feel really lethargic and I've had killer headaches but I KNOW doing this is the best thing for me.  Especially after I took my before photos today.

I used the full length mirror at the gym to take my photos.  I don't often see myself in a full length mirror as I have to put a sheet over the one in my bedroom as my Pug barks at herself in the middle of the night so I only really see myself from the chest up when I use the mirror in the bathroom.  

So, I looked at myself in the mirror, picked up my phone and took a photo from the front and on the side and that's when it hit me.  That's when I realised how big I am.  That's when I saw what everyone else sees.  That's why people look at my stomach when they first meet me as it's almost hanging to my knees.  That's why my back hurts so much when I've been standing for long periods of time as I have this massive 'thing' just draping down like a big sandbag.  I can't believe I am crying as I write this.  It's not something that others haven't seen and it's not something I didn't know was there.  It's just I haven't seen me like that for a long time.  I didn't want to leave the change room.  I didn't want to step outside.  I was so embarrassed but then I realised that this is what people saw as I walked in, it's what people are going to see as I exercise. it's only me who hadn't really seen it and I realised that everything was going to be okay, I just had to take the first step and give this thing one last push.

So I present to you my 192.2kg photo taken today, the 30th of October 2017 and I hope I have it in myself to make sure that this is the LAST EFFING TIME I am at this weight and I need to do everything in my power to stay motivated, stay healthy and keep going.  I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS ANYMORE.  

I shall now wipe my tears, have my shower, chuck a long skirt on and go and get this yellow item for my daughter.  What I'd prefer to do is just hide and never leave the house again. I shall then come home and cook an amazingly healthy meal for my family and just take some time to remind myself how awesome I actually am because right now, I feel like I've let myself down so badly.  The last time I felt like this was when I weighed in at 243kg when I had no idea how much I weighed.  That is what gave me a kick to actually do something about my weight.  Perhaps this is what I need to keep on going and finally do it.

  

Thursday is the new Monday :)

So, I had planned to resume my healthy eating and weight loss journey this coming Monday to coincide with the 28 day challenge that I am doing through Healthy Mummy but after writing my blog on Thursday, I decided to make a start.

I went to aqua aerobics on Thursday night.  I can't tell you the last time I exercised that hard.  I made sure was considerate of my right had (I had surgery on my hand back in May) as it's still a little bit sore.  It was so much fun!  I plan on going back next week.

I worked on my meal plan on Thursday night as well.  I printed out the recipes that I planned on making and forewarned the kids that things are going to change around here.  I don't think they'll notice that much of a change as I've ensured that everything I'll be cooking is family friendly (the main change will be in the way I cook things) but they will certainly notice a change in their lunch boxes.

I have a massive headache on Friday evening and I also had one last night.   I can feel it coming on now but I know it's down to the fact that I haven't caffeine for 2 days (I have decided to give up caffeine - I only used to have 2 or 3 cups of coffee a day and maybe 1 cup of tea) and it would also be because I have been following a plan which is very low in sugar.  

I just started cleaning out the pantry (I am having a little break) as when the shopping was delivered last night, I realised that if this is going to work, I have to get rid of all the crap we have in the cupboard.  There isn't a lot of bad stuff but I knew there was a few cake mixes that had passed their use by date along with some onions and potatoes that resembled science experiments!  I am wishing I took before and after shots at this point as I have seen such a huge difference!  I don't have a big pantry but I do have a lot of stuff to go in it.

I have been doing well with my water intake.  I have had almost a litre today which is really good considering it's just on 11.30am.  Given the fact I rarely drank a lot of water (I would manage a few cups a day), this is great for me.  I'm going to go for a walk today and I'm also going to start a handwritten journal to document my progress an jot down my thoughts.  Things are looking good and I'm feeling great :) it's also great to have the kids on board.  The twins are excited about eating new things and getting healthy.  I'm happy they are keen.  They will help keep me on track.

It's been a LONG while

Hi :)

I didn't realise how long it had been since I blogged but it's been a few years.  Time flies when you're procrastinating and avoiding the elephant in the room (no self weight hate here!) but I'm serious.  I didn't realise how long it had actually been until I signed in to write something today.  I'm not sure how long or short it's going to be - I just need a space to let some stuff out.

I weighed myself on Monday - I'm 197.7kg.  I should make mention that I haven't put anything on or lost anything (nothing on or off that's extreme anyway) in the past 12 months.  When looking at my FatBit data, I was 196.3.kg around this time last year.

What was my lightbulb moment this time around?  A few weeks ago my daughter was bullied at school.  People were picking on her about her weight and it got to me.  It got to me more than I though it would.  Memories came flooding back of my school days and how hard things were for me due to the fact that I was overweight.  Anyone who can relate to this knows that it only gets harder as you get older and when you move into high school, things ramp up a notch.  Some kids are vile creatures and I do not want Charlotte being subjected to that.  She is such a confident, happy and strong girl - I don't want anything or anyone to take that away from her so things have to change.

Whilst we don't eat a lot of what I'd call 'shit', we could eat better.  I always have fruit on offer, my kids have always been given the opportunity to do sports and I do encourage them to make the best choice when it comes to what they pick to eat but I'm sure I can up it a notch and make things better for all of us.  It's up to me to further improve this situation and we're all going to benefit from it in the end so it's time to give this thing another shot.

Over the past few days, I've made a meal plan (thank God for Healthy Mummy!) and I've slowly been planning my comeback!  I had to buy another charger for my FatBit (I have no idea where the other one is) and I've managed to donate some of the food from my pantry to make room for my shopping which will be delivered on Sunday.  I've signed up to the Healthy Mummy 28 day challenge and I'm going to give it my best shot.  I think it's going to be beneficial to have the extra support whilst I kick start this mission.  As for my lap band - I don't have a lot of fill in it at the moment. but I do have some restriction which means I don't feel as hungry as I probably would.  I'm not in a hurry to get it filled.  If you're a long time follower you know that I have to get this done under XRay and it's a pain in the bum to have to get the referral to into the city and hope that it settles well otherwise it's back again to get some out.  I'd like to lose 20kg on my own before getting a fill which means it will be a lot easier and perhaps my Surgeon can do it in his rooms.

The other thing that has motivated me to do this is my 'fat' (I call my lower stomach/fatty apron my 'fat') as I hate it.  It is very much in the way.  People stare at it.  It's embarrassing and I hate it.  I want to get it removed but I have to wait until I am around 170kg.  I can get it removed and then will have to have it removed again once I'm around 80kg.  When I write this I feel like that's forever away.

I'm not sure how to word this but I feel embarrassed that I keep stopping and starting.  I know it's the nature of the beast.  I wish my story was one of these 'I lost all my weight in one hit' but it's not.  I have a lot to work on and I know I'll get there.  I just need to keep going and not stop and accept that if I stop it's okay so long as I get back to it.  I need to stop being so hard on myself.  My failures are what will be the reason for my success in the end.  I was hesitant to write a blog as I didn't want to have the feelings of guilt admitting that I've f**ked up again but when I look at it, I haven't f**ked up again.  I've just stood still but it's time to move again.  It was humbling to log in here today and see the messages I had.  I also had a few on my Facebook page. I replied to them all and I was surprised to see that people still look up my blog!  I'll start updating my Instagram and Facebook as well.  I'll post links for them next week.

Goals for the month of November
- My first goal is to lose 20kg and at that point, I'll go and see my Surgeon for a lap band fill.  I've set my first goal to 180kg (which is just shy of 20kg).
- To SMASH November!  I hope to lose 6kg.  I am sure I can do more but I'll stay modest for now.
- To blog a few times a week.  I find that writing stuff down helps keep me on track.  I also know that I am helping a lot of people out there from sharing my story.  I've had so many people thank me for keeping it real and this is one reason why I shouldn't feel embarrassed that I feel like a broken record when I hear myself say I'm starting again.
- To exercise with the kids at least twice a week moving up to three times a week.  This might sound like a small goal but with Uni and work, this is going to be a bit of a challenge!
- To wear my FatBit every day (once the charger arrives I can do this)
- To log all of my food.  I use 'my fitness pal' to do this.  It's a great app - check if out if you haven't already.
- To drink water!  I always forget to do this but I know how important it is that I do.

I'm feeling excited about where this could lead.  I have faith in myself that this time could be it.  I shall take some before photos (oh joy) over the weekend so I have something to compare with each month.  I shall look back at my old ones for inspiration.

I hope there's not turning back this time.  I need to do this.