Monday, October 30, 2017
I should be having a shower and going down the street to get something yellow for my daughter's dancing class tonight but I need to get this out and write it whilst it's raw.
I weighed in today - I am 192.2kg. I have lost 5.5kg in a week simply by changing my diet. Cutting out sugar and caffeine hasn't been easy but it's been well worth my while. I've gone through a series of mood swings, moments where I feel really lethargic and I've had killer headaches but I KNOW doing this is the best thing for me. Especially after I took my before photos today.
I used the full length mirror at the gym to take my photos. I don't often see myself in a full length mirror as I have to put a sheet over the one in my bedroom as my Pug barks at herself in the middle of the night so I only really see myself from the chest up when I use the mirror in the bathroom.
So, I looked at myself in the mirror, picked up my phone and took a photo from the front and on the side and that's when it hit me. That's when I realised how big I am. That's when I saw what everyone else sees. That's why people look at my stomach when they first meet me as it's almost hanging to my knees. That's why my back hurts so much when I've been standing for long periods of time as I have this massive 'thing' just draping down like a big sandbag. I can't believe I am crying as I write this. It's not something that others haven't seen and it's not something I didn't know was there. It's just I haven't seen me like that for a long time. I didn't want to leave the change room. I didn't want to step outside. I was so embarrassed but then I realised that this is what people saw as I walked in, it's what people are going to see as I exercise. it's only me who hadn't really seen it and I realised that everything was going to be okay, I just had to take the first step and give this thing one last push.
So I present to you my 192.2kg photo taken today, the 30th of October 2017 and I hope I have it in myself to make sure that this is the LAST EFFING TIME I am at this weight and I need to do everything in my power to stay motivated, stay healthy and keep going. I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS ANYMORE.
I shall now wipe my tears, have my shower, chuck a long skirt on and go and get this yellow item for my daughter. What I'd prefer to do is just hide and never leave the house again. I shall then come home and cook an amazingly healthy meal for my family and just take some time to remind myself how awesome I actually am because right now, I feel like I've let myself down so badly. The last time I felt like this was when I weighed in at 243kg when I had no idea how much I weighed. That is what gave me a kick to actually do something about my weight. Perhaps this is what I need to keep on going and finally do it.