Thursday, October 26, 2017

It's been a LONG while

Hi :)

I didn't realise how long it had been since I blogged but it's been a few years.  Time flies when you're procrastinating and avoiding the elephant in the room (no self weight hate here!) but I'm serious.  I didn't realise how long it had actually been until I signed in to write something today.  I'm not sure how long or short it's going to be - I just need a space to let some stuff out.

I weighed myself on Monday - I'm 197.7kg.  I should make mention that I haven't put anything on or lost anything (nothing on or off that's extreme anyway) in the past 12 months.  When looking at my FatBit data, I was around this time last year.

What was my lightbulb moment this time around?  A few weeks ago my daughter was bullied at school.  People were picking on her about her weight and it got to me.  It got to me more than I though it would.  Memories came flooding back of my school days and how hard things were for me due to the fact that I was overweight.  Anyone who can relate to this knows that it only gets harder as you get older and when you move into high school, things ramp up a notch.  Some kids are vile creatures and I do not want Charlotte being subjected to that.  She is such a confident, happy and strong girl - I don't want anything or anyone to take that away from her so things have to change.

Whilst we don't eat a lot of what I'd call 'shit', we could eat better.  I always have fruit on offer, my kids have always been given the opportunity to do sports and I do encourage them to make the best choice when it comes to what they pick to eat but I'm sure I can up it a notch and make things better for all of us.  It's up to me to further improve this situation and we're all going to benefit from it in the end so it's time to give this thing another shot.

Over the past few days, I've made a meal plan (thank God for Healthy Mummy!) and I've slowly been planning my comeback!  I had to buy another charger for my FatBit (I have no idea where the other one is) and I've managed to donate some of the food from my pantry to make room for my shopping which will be delivered on Sunday.  I've signed up to the Healthy Mummy 28 day challenge and I'm going to give it my best shot.  I think it's going to be beneficial to have the extra support whilst I kick start this mission.  As for my lap band - I don't have a lot of fill in it at the moment. but I do have some restriction which means I don't feel as hungry as I probably would.  I'm not in a hurry to get it filled.  If you're a long time follower you know that I have to get this done under XRay and it's a pain in the bum to have to get the referral to into the city and hope that it settles well otherwise it's back again to get some out.  I'd like to lose 20kg on my own before getting a fill which means it will be a lot easier and perhaps my Surgeon can do it in his rooms.

The other thing that has motivated me to do this is my 'fat' (I call my lower stomach/fatty apron my 'fat') as I hate it.  It is very much in the way.  People stare at it.  It's embarrassing and I hate it.  I want to get it removed but I have to wait until I am around 170kg.  I can get it removed and then will have to have it removed again once I'm around 80kg.  When I write this I feel like that's forever away.

I'm not sure how to word this but I feel embarrassed that I keep stopping and starting.  I know it's the nature of the beast.  I wish my story was one of these 'I lost all my weight in one hit' but it's not.  I have a lot to work on and I know I'll get there.  I just need to keep going and not stop and accept that if I stop it's okay so long as I get back to it.  I need to stop being so hard on myself.  My failures are what will be the reason for my success in the end.  I was hesitant to write a blog as I didn't want to have the feelings of guilt admitting that I've f**ked up again but when I look at it, I haven't f**ked up again.  I've just stood still but it's time to move again.  It was humbling to log in here today and see the messages I had.  I also had a few on my Facebook page. I replied to them all and I was surprised to see that people still look up my blog!  I'll start updating my Instagram and Facebook as well.  I'll post links for them next week.

Goals for the month of November
- My first goal is to lose 20kg and at that point, I'll go and see my Surgeon for a lap band fill.  I've set my first goal to 180kg (which is just shy of 20kg).
- To SMASH November!  I hope to lose 6kg.  I am sure I can do more but I'll stay modest for now.
- To blog a few times a week.  I find that writing stuff down helps keep me on track.  I also know that I am helping a lot of people out there from sharing my story.  I've had so many people thank me for keeping it real and this is one reason why I shouldn't feel embarrassed that I feel like a broken record when I hear myself say I'm starting again.
- To exercise with the kids at least twice a week moving up to three times a week.  This might sound like a small goal but with Uni and work, this is going to be a bit of a challenge!
- To wear my FatBit every day (once the charger arrives I can do this)
- To log all of my food.  I use 'my fitness pal' to do this.  It's a great app - check if out if you haven't already.
- To drink water!  I always forget to do this but I know how important it is that I do.

I'm feeling excited about where this could lead.  I have faith in myself that this time could be it.  I shall take some before photos (oh joy) over the weekend so I have something to compare with each month.  I shall look back at my old ones for inspiration.

I hope there's not turning back this time.  I need to do this.

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