Rest in Peace, Nanna xo

Yesterday morning, the 20^th of July 2011, just before 4am, Nanna died peacefully.  To watch her take her last breath and finally be free from the pain and the struggle was quite a relief but knowing that she is gone is heartbreaking.

She was transferred to the palliative care facility this time last week and had so many visitors.  So many people who love and care for her and although due to the pain killers sometimes it appeared as though she was asleep, she was still very aware of what was going on as when she did open her eyes and saw that you were there, she’d give you such a huge smile and her had would come out from under the doona to reach for you. 

She is an amazing woman.  And so brave.  And she put up such a fight.  And watching the changes in her over the past few months have been quite surreal yet I admire how she maintained such a positive attitude the whole way through it.  She is inspiring.  And I will miss her.

It’s taken me a day and a half to work out what to write today.  I started my blog on Tuesday after my PT session.  I had written how I’d done sit ups for the first time in years.  How I am so pumped about Friday and how I can’t believe it’s nearly here.  I’d written about how I wore my jeans to work on Monday.  I wrote about how even though my seat belt has fit me for a few months now, I STILL forget to put it on when I get in the Car as it’s now a habit not to.  I’d also written how I spent a few hours at the palliative care facility with Nanna and Poppa on Monday night and it was a time I’ll treasure and remember forever.  I’d also written about how I can’t wait until weigh day which was yesterday…

I got home at around about 6.15am yesterday morning.  My appointment with my Surgeon was at 9.40am.  Although I was exhausted, I had a shower and got ready to go.  Dr Winnett is away at the moment so, I saw his sidekick, Dr Chan (or as I call him, the ‘other’ Jason’.  I told him what my goal had been over the past 6 weeks.  I wanted to lose 10kg.  I got onto the scales and he told me my weight – 176.8kg.  That’s 9.5kg gone in the past 6 weeks.  That’s a total of 66.2kg gone in 350 days.  And averaging 1.3kg per week.  I’m wrapped.  I haven’t given myself a goal for the next 6 weeks as yet.

I had my final PT before tomorrow.  I did stretches and did upper body weights.  A bit of walking and some boxing.  I’m nervous about tomorrow.  Nervous isn’t the right word.  I’m looking forward to it.  I’m pumped and ready.  Bring it on.  I do feel a bit down but, I’ll turn that into positive energy and will continue to remember why I am doing it.  I’m doing it for Nanna.  And that’s what will get me up the top. 

Today Tonight are going to be covering it – I am not sure when it will be aired as the reporter who I deal with is not in tomorrow although she is sending out a crew.  I am going to look like a feral when I’ve finished!  I will enjoy having a nice hot shower and a glass of wine afterwards to celebrate.  The boys are coming up the first 12 flights with me to honour Nanna.  I bet they’ll be happy I said no to the whole 46 by the time they’ve done that!

Wish me luck :) and next time I write, I’ll be sore but proud.  And if you haven’t already, please donate

http://vic.cancercouncilfundraising.org.au/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=342014&langPref=en-CA 

every little bit gets us closer to the $5,000 goal :)

‘A penneth of Chips, a penneth of Peas and plenty of Salt n Vinegar’ RIP Nanna xo

Running in the rain...

Some of you may know that I suffered from depression a few years ago.  I remember when I was at my worst.  I used to spend days sitting on the Couch and watching TV.  I’d get up occasionally and do the things that needed to be done.  I’d wash the clothes, get people ready for School.  The Babies were quite young then too and when I look back, I managed quite well.

I remember when I was depressed how I was given a list of things to do that would assist me in feeling happier.  The list included things like taking a hot bath, reading a book, eating some chocolate, drinking 2 litres of coke and stay up and watch the sunrise, go shopping to buy a pet plant, wearing a fake moustache for a day and some other odd things.  I remember reading the list in full.  I had a reason as to why I couldn’t do each one.  I didn’t fit in the batch, I couldn’t concentrate on a book, I was already eating chocolate and it wasn’t getting me anywhere, I don’t particularly like coke (and sunrises made me feel unhappy as it meant it was so early in the morning), a pet plant? and do I even need to explain why I wouldn’t wear the moustache? 

One of the things that was on the list though was going for a walk or a run.  I remember the Doctor saying that is a great an inexpensive way to feel a bit better.  I used to keep the Curtains closed all day and peeking out thinking how lovely the day looked and how nice it would be to have some fresh air.  Sometimes I actually forced myself into going out into the backyard just to feel the sun on my skin.

Today I have felt a bit shitty.  I’ve got a few things on my mind.  Today, I felt quite anxious and decided I would go to the Pokies.  Not a good idea.  I did win the $453 Jackpot however, it is still not good to go to the Pokies when you’re feeling down.  I had already had a shower and that did nothing for me.  I even tried on some old clothes to find out that several things did fit that haven’t for 3 years.  That was quite exciting however, I still couldn’t get out of my rut so, after trying everything I could think of, I went for a run.

I asked the Boys if they wanted to come with me and they said they would.  I chucked my runners on and changed my top and walked up to the local park.  I then started up my ‘Couch to 5k’ app and started to follow the instructions.  Before I knew it, I was running and I actually ran a bit longer than what I thought I would.  It was spitting and there was steam coming off my skin (I think because it was so cold and I was so warm!).  It felt strange to run without the safety of the treadmill bars by my side.  Everything jiggled a lot more.  I was so proud.  I got Lachie to take some photos of me being a dork and then we went home.

I am still feeling the benefits of my run.  Running gave me something else to concentrate on and think about.  Making sure I don’t fall over in any pot holes in slip in the mud!  It was great to be able to escape the real world for a while.  How could you not when you have such a wonderful sound track on your iPod?  I still feel much happier and more motivated to do what needs to be done (Callum is back to School tomorrow).  I feel like cleaning.  I have already done a lot more cleaning tonight than what I normally would have.  I am managing to keep myself busy which keeps me distracted and sane at the same time. 

5 sleeps left until the stair climb.  I still have a lot of preparation to do.  I am going to swim tomorrow night.  I don’t want to do anything to exhausting.  I’ll be guided by what Michael suggests.  He knows about these sorts of things more than what I do!  I suppose the only thing that I can ensure I do is eat properly and continue to ask people for their support!  Please donate here by following this link… http://vic.cancercouncilfu​ndraising.org.au/personalP​age.aspx?registrationID=34​2014&langPref=en-CA

I also have weigh day this Wednesday.  I am still hoping to have lost 10kg in the past 6 weeks.  I haven’t been that great in the past few days but, I shall do as much as I can to counteract my not so desirable eating habits that I have displayed recently.

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend :)

1 week to go...

1 week to go! 

This time next week, I’ll be sitting here feeling not only sore but a sense of accomplishment and pride.  The stair climb is creeping up so fast.  So far, $1285 has been raised.  If you’d like to make a donation, please go to

http://vic.cancercouncilfundraising.org.au/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=342014&langPref=en-CA&Referrer=http%3a%2f%2fwww.facebook.com%2fl.php%3fu%3dhttp%3a%2f%2fvic.cancercouncilfundraising.org.au%2fpersonalPage.aspx%3fregistrationID%3d342014%26langPref%3den-CA%26h%3dhAQABYmCs

I saw Nanna again today.  Seeing her reminds me of the reason why I am doing the climb.  And knowing how brave she is and has been is what is going to keep me going on the day.  I am a bit nervous.  I know I am going to make it.  Like I’ve said before, it’s not a time trial.  It’s just the fact that I need to make it to the top.  I have no doubt that I will.  I just need to make sure I train gently each day until Thursday and eat better than I have eaten the past few days.

I have continued on my ‘not so good’ stuff.  I have had nachos twice in 2 days.  I have had some bread (which came right back up) and now I have given into the fact that I can not emotionally eat, I am going to have a few glasses of wine tonight – something I didn’t plan on doing this month (well, I did have 2 this time last week) but, it’s either that or I try and down a whole Chocolate Mud Cake!  It’s in times of stress when you realise how much you rely on eating so that you feel better.  Given the fact I can’t do this, it’s making me realise that I am in need of finding other things to do.  The gym is closed, I don’t feel like going out anywhere and I don’t fit in the bath so, it looks like a long hot shower after I’ve had my glass or 2 of wine and then I’ll head to bed.

I can’t believe we’re at the end of the week.  It’s come around quite quickly yet feels as though it’s taken forever.  And I can’t believe it’s the end of School Holidays – it doesn’t feel like it’s been 2 weeks at all!

I hope everyone enjoys their weekend :)

Steph xo

Cupcakes, popcorn, hot chips, potato and gravy and more - my bad :/

I’m in a bit of a mood.  There’s no better way of putting it.  Girls get into moods occasionally but today one of them has gotten into me.

I also ate a fair amount of crap yesterday.  When I saw fair amount, it may be the equivalent of a cupful but it’s still more than I am used to having or more than what I should have.

I picked bits of cup cake, KFC chips, potato and gravy, garlic bread, iced coffee granita, pop corn, maltesers – I can’t remember what else.  It’s funny how the total amount of KJ I ate worked out to be the same that I’d normally have when eating my normal menu of 900KJ or under per meal.  It was the fact that I ate emotionally.  And that is not a good thing.  Especially when I am trying to be in pristine condition for the stair climb.

For my regular readers, you’d know that I don’t do the above very often at all.  The fact that I have owned up to it hasn’t ruled out the fact that I did it nor does it make it right.  Nor is eating my emotions the right way of dealing with things so, I went shopping instead.

I really wanted to go to Savers or Costco or somewhere else I could spend money but justify it however, instead I went on a shoe hunt and FINALLY found my runners :) in actual fact, I found 2 pairs that I liked however, these are my fave…

I tried them out at the gym today during my PT and they are really good.  They are light and they fit well.  This is what I am going to be wearing (on my feet at least when I do the stairs in 8 days time).  There’s not long left to go at all!  I’m training really hard and couldn’t be in better shape if I tried (well, other than the small things I ate yesterday!).  I am having 2 more sessions with Michael (one on Tuesday and an extended one on Thursday) and am really looking forward to getting up those 46 flights.  Please make a donation here http://vic.cancercouncilfundraising.org.au/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=342014&langPref=en-CA

I am still continuing to get fantastic feedback about my story that was floating around last week.  It’s wonderful to have so much support :)

First time I've had to stop :(

Today was the first time that I had to say ‘I can’t do it’ during a Personal Training session.  I was jogging and I think I had just under a minute left but my asthma was getting worse so I said to Michael that I couldn’t do any more.  I felt quite disappointed in myself although that I had to stop for health reasons however, it still made me a bit annoyed that I couldn’t do any more.  I am going to go and see my Doctor on Thursday to see what I can do to make sure that my asthma doesn’t stop me on Friday next week.  Although I won’t be jogging and lifting weights during the stair climb, I don’t want anything (especially that) to stop me.

My PT session was quite intense today.  My legs and arms felt like jelly an hour afterwards.  I am getting some kind of cold thing so, I guess that didn’t help but Thursday’s session is going to be harder and next week we’ll ease into things gently so that I am prepared for the climb on Friday.  I don’t mind what I get this week so long as it doesn’t affect me next week.

You may have seen some of the wonderful comments I’ve had on my blog in the past few days.  It’s been amazing to have such support.  Yesterday’s mX had a wonderful array of encouraging comments in ‘vent my spleen’ yesterday.  I was nearly in tears at North Melbourne Station!  I would also like to take a moment to thank our Prime Minister for dropping her carbon bomb shell on Sunday – this has eased the pressure on me quite a bit.  Not that I wasn’t enjoying being the centre of attention for a while, it’s just not something that I expected.

Some of the comments that I have had have been upsetting but, as I stated above, most of them have been fantastic.  I allow anonymous posts on my blog by choice but when people post things implying that they know me (or my family or my Children) or only have half the story, it is quite frustrating as although I have a right of reply, I am not sure if these people (or in this case, person) are ever going to see it.  So, if you have something that you wish to say to me (good or bad), giving me a way to reply to you personally would be appreciated as some of the comments are not only totally incorrect assumptions but can be quite hurtful to my family and friends.

There’s 10 days left to go until I climb those 46 flights!  I am sorry to go on about it but I am so excited!  I’m still seeking as much support as possible and if you can sponsor me in any capacity, that would be fantastic.  As you would know by now, I am doing this stair climb for my Nanna and I know a lot of people who have donated to this have done so because they have had a loved one affected by Cancer.  I’ve had a number of people ask if they can come up but unfortunately, this is not possible but showing your support in the way of a donation is.  Go to http://vic.cancercouncilfundraising.org.au/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=342014 and if you’re interested in organising an event to raise funds for this, let me know and I can let you know how to go about it and share a few suggestions that have been passed onto me with you.  Just shoot me an Email at movingforwardlookingforward@gmail.com

I’d also like to promote Nicky’s event.  Nicky is participating in ‘walk to cure Diabetes’.  Diabetes is something that I have not personally experienced however, a number of my family members have been diagnosed with it and although it is treatable, they have not yet found a cure.  This cause is something I am very passionate about and have supported Nicky but sponsoring her $50.  Please show your support for this fantastic event by going here http://walk.jdrf.org.au/teamParticipant.asp?participantID=275

Time for bed :) wonder what tomorrow will bring...

I am so tired and although it has been an exciting few days, I can’t wait to go to bed and sleep!  I’ve been in touch with some amazing people over the past few days and have been introduced to a whole world of people I didn’t know existed.  I have been directed to a number of blogs, websites, forums, articles etc… and look forward to sitting down with a cup of Coffee over the coming nights when everyone’s in bed to have a read of them all.  I’ll also put together a blog with all of the bits and pieces that have been sent to me so that you can have a look to.  I have also had a heap of questions Emailed to me which I hope in the coming weeks I’ll put together and answer in one hit.

One of the questions was about when I first started my blog.  I am sure it was in July that I thought of the idea.  When trying to work out the date, I looked at my ‘about me’ page (which is in desperate need of updating) but, I found what I had written interesting…

Now at 30, I still get picked on every day. On the train, at the Station, on the Bus, walking home – even when I am standing out the front of my own house. It’s hurtful. Although I have so many comebacks now for people who pick on me, it still doesn’t stop the fact that they’ve actually said something to me about it.

Because I am the size I am, I spend most of my time going out of my way to make others comfortable. Why should my weight interfere with other people enjoying their day? I guess that’s not really the right attitude to have although it’s really the only one I know. Because I’ve been kicked to the ground so many times, that’s where I feel I belong. And although I don’t feel fat until I am trying on a new pair of pants or a new skirt that doesn’t fit or when i am looking in the mirror, it doesn’t mean that I’m not.

I feel gorgeous. I feel happy. I feel like a true friend. I feel generous. I feel loving. I feel kind. I feel like I have so much to offer someone. I feel as though I have potential.  I am caring. I am clever. I am funny. I am likeable. I am pretty. I am witty. I have drive. I show initiative. I am understanding. I am compassionate. I am determined. I am a fighter. I am FAT.

This time last year, I would have NEVER had the courage to do what I have done.  And it’s taken a lifetime of torment and cruelty from a certain type of person to drive me to the point that I have gotten to. 

I went to the Newsagent yesterday morning and got tapped on the Shoulder by a lovely girl who said ‘are you that fat girl’ and I replied ‘quite possibly’ and she said ‘ooohhh, I love you – can I have a photo with you?’.  I was on the way to the Gym and looked a bit tired and trashy but, I was very flattered.

I also took a new lot of measurements yesterday and still wish I had have started taking them at the start of my journey.  It would be great to see the difference between now and then although the difference is still quite amazing.  Since the middle of March, I have lost 5cm around my Neck, 2.5cm around my upper arm, 12cm off my bust, 14cm from my waist, 13cm from my hips, 10cm from my upper leg and 7cm from my calf.  I get weighed next week.  I can’t wait to see how much I have lost.  I was 186.3kg on the 9.6.2011.  I have been working so hard to ensure I am as fit as possible for the climb but also to try and lose 10 kilograms between the 9.6.2011 and the 20.7.2011.  Here’s hoping!

Yesterday at the gym, I did a 45 minute workout.  Lots of walking, some running and some weights.  I am not sure what my roster is like at work tomorrow but I shall bring my climbing gear to do some stairs if time permits in preparation for the big event in just 12 days time!  I’ll be working out as much as possible in the coming days.  I might even have another go of that dreaded stair machine. 

I saw my Nanna and Poppa yesterday.  Nanna was a little concerned as she thought I might be climbing up the stairs in my thongs like they showed me doing on Today Tonight.  I assured her that I have runners!  I did ask Poppa if he wanted to come up with me but he politely declined! 

I am aiming to raise $5,000 for the Cancer Council and am 24% of the way there!  To donate, simply go to http://vic.cancercouncilfu​ndraising.org.au/personalP​age.aspx?registrationID=34​2014&langPref=en-CA and any amount is appreciated.  I also have an event page on Facebook that has more information about why, where and how.  Feel free to visit http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=205688702802531 and if you’d like to invite your friends to the event to help raise awareness, that would be fantastic. 

I have spent most of the day inside today (and even got the chance to have a Nanna nap).  It’s been too cold to do anything else!

Off to work early tomorrow.  Am going to get in early as I have a lot to do given the fact I had Friday off!  Aiming to get there at 7 but given the fact we’re on busses at the moment, who can tell what time I’ll get there – I look forward to next week to having the trains back after they’ve finished the work on the train tracks.

Thank you everyone for your support.  I feel honoured to have done what I did and although I didn’t expect this kind of reaction, I am happy that people are aware that it’s simply not acceptable behaviour and even though doing what I have done will probably never change a lot of people’s minds on how they act or think, it has certainly raised a lot of awareness on this important issue.

Steph xo

P.S – I am now on Twitter – you can follow me @iamabeetle please bear with my whilst I get used to using it.  Had to google what a hashtag was!

The bad, the bad and the ugly...

Just a warning – this blog isn’t so positive other than to say these are the only comments I’ve had to remove and you’ll soon see why. 

Over the past few days, I have had thousands of hits.  Each time I have had a negative comment, I have removed it however, when speaking to a friend today, she said she thought I should leave the derogatory comments up there so that people can see them.  I didn’t really want to do that as I didn’t want my blog to be a battle field although I think it’s important that I show the comments I have received and deleted off my blog. 

Once again, please don't read these comments if you might be saddened by some of the things that have been said to me.  Please keep in mind that out of all the comments that I have had so far, these have been the only negative ones which is a positive sign.  I've had more support than anything. 

The ones that I think are constructive in some way (or a little bit funny), I have left on my blog however, the following are the ones that I have removed.  I have put them up, word for word.

Can I say that it’s rather amusing how most of these comments are from anonymous people.  My blog is open and I don’t moderate the comments until they are up there.  None of these comments have bothered me as I’ve heard them all before.  Some of you may find some of the comments hurtful as they are not all directed at me solely. 

1.27am 8.7.2011 Anonymous has left a new comment on your post “Humbled…”

Your a ugly f*****g slut. Onece you have lost your weight youll still be f*****g ugly. do everyone a favour and take your photos down fat sloth.

12.32am 8.7.2011 Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Humbled...":

yuk!

12.12am 8.7.2011 Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Humbled...":

I think its disgusting people like you lay around getting fat then the rest of us tax payers have to pay to get you well again. stop clogging up our health system you people make me sick!

7.17pm 8.7.2011 Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Humbled...":

saw you on both TT and ACA tonight. I get why you spoke up, but I read on your blog a few weeks ago that one of your sons didn't want you to come to his school because he was embarrassed, or something like that. Aren't you concerned that you have now made this situation worse for him, having your picture in the paper and on two media programs? You could have done all this, without showing your face and still had a positive result. I notice you didn't use your married name either. Like I say, I get your reasons, but maybe you should think about how your actions effect your family. I think your weight loss is great, your blog in interesting to read and follow, but now I think you may have opened a can of worms for your 4 kids, you can never put away. That's a real shame. I only hope I am wrong.

9.52pm 7.7.2011 Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "I ran... again!":

How does somebody this fat get pregnant? Were you inseminated? Just shows *ANY* woman can get pregnant and sprout out kids..I think its very selfish, you are probably going to drop dead at any time. You have no right to have children.

10.27pm 8.7.2011 Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "**VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED** - Surgery photos and...":

Honestly, how difficult it can be to stay fit and slim??? Just follow 2 rules: eat properly and exercise! This works for any human being on the planet. And no surgery would be needed....

10.24pm 8.7.2011 Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Exciting times ahead :)":

Omg your HUGE

6.20pm 8.7.2011 This is Jimmy has left a new comment on your post "I did have my vent... and it was loud!":

Shame shame shame on these lazy people geting so fat and the worst thing is they let their kids get fat!You should be charged with child abuse you sick twisted people!

6.02pm 8.7.2011 Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Exciting times ahead :)":

"I can't help it that I'm fat" "This diet doesn't work", etc.......

I'm so damn sick of hearing all these lame excuses that fat, lazy people give for their gluttony. It IS your fault. YOU have to do the work on a diet, fool. My tax dollars pay for your insulin, you type 2 diabetic jerks. If you got diabetes because you are fat, it is all your fault. Maybe if you spent a little bit of time actively exercising self control, hell, just actively exercising, you wouldn't be such a disgusting, unhealthy, sweaty, smelly nauseating person disguised as Jabba the Hutt.

5.56pm 8.7.2011 Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Exciting times ahead :)":

I'm angry at fat people because they say that they are happy with the way they look and then give skinny girls (like me) dirty looks and call us names!! STUPID! It also pisses me off that they try to pass off that I'm only skinny because of genes or fast metabolism! BULLSHIT! I work my ASS OFF (LITERALLY) IN THE GYM!!! There is no way that I would be skinny if I sat on my butt eating cookies!!! It makes me mad when they call me "BARBIE GIRL" in a condescending way, like it's my fault that they stuffed their faces and now they're bitter and they're going to take it out on me and all other skinny girls!!! I also get mad when they tell me, "oh you'll be fat when you get older" OR "You'll get fat when you get married" Honey, I don't think so! I'll be working out and eating healthy 'til the day I DIE!!!!!! Anyways, I plan on getting skinnier when I get married because I'll be having SEX ALL THE TIME! I know I will because I'm skinny and I look good! STOP GOING TO MCDONALDS, KFC, PIZZA HUT ETC.........................! Losing weight is simple and includes COMMON SENSE!!! If you think eating mcdonalds is going to help you lose weight....YOU HAVE NO COMMON SENSE! Get a life and stop giving us girls dirty looks, it will only make me flaunt it more!!!

12.13pm 8.7.2011 Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "I did have my vent... and it was loud!":

To all you women out there that use the "I have just had a child" excuse to be fat, please remember you gave birth to a 2 or 3 kilogram human not a 20 kg calf!!!!!!!!

There is no reason to be so enormous you fat piggies..................

12.06pm 8.7.2011 Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Humbled...":

Why should we care about fat people who got that way from siting around eating and being lazy? this is pathetic! Boo whoo poor me. So are you saying that you should take up 2 or 3 other peoples seats and that's their problem? Have some respect and consideration you selfish things!!!!!

I suppose given the fact these lovely people have taken the time out of their lives to visit my blog, I should show them the decency of sharing their comments with you all. 

You are welcome to respond however, please remember to be constructive rather than nasty.  The things that are written above is the exact reason why I did what I did - it's not acceptable.  Even if it's online where some 'keyboard hero' thinks they can lash out at me (or others, for that matter).