Just under THAT number again...

199.9kg.  This is somewhere I've been before and was somewhere I'd hope not to be again but, it is what it is and I'm changing that.  In short, this means that I put on 30kg (thereabouts) between March and October.  And that was not good.  But like I said, it is what it is and what's done is done.  I'll lose it quicker than what I put it on but it is a minor step backwards in my weight loss journey.

I've done so well this week :) my eating has been fantastic and I have been at the Gym every day.  I worked especially hard in my training last night and I also signed up for a circuit class.  There's no better feeling than when you have finished at the Gym and you know you pushed yourself as hard as you could go and you pushed through boundaries.  I'll be a bit sore for it later on today but it was well worth it. 

I've booked my next appointment with Jason.  It's on the 8.11.2012.  At the moment, I am in what they refer to as the green zone with the band.  Things are perfect.  This does change quite frequently with me though as I have to have so many adjustments but I'll enjoy it whilst it lasts.

I'm just happy that I am on back on track again and hopefully, this is it.  I will not look back again and I'll just keep on going :)

4.7kg down this week :)

I'm so proud of myself.  I've lost 4.7kg this week :)

I put it down to a few things.  I was quite sick (cold sick) and I had a really sore tummy all week as well.  I went to the gym once but also went for a really nice walk on the Sunday.  I also used OptiFast for 2 meals per day (on most days) and I also had my fill.  Things have been going so well this week :)

I went to the Gym today.  I am still a bit chesty so I took it a little bit easy.  I did some walking, some running and a lot of upper body work.  I'm going to feel it tomorrow.  I have written myself up a program that I am going to stick to when it comes to weights. 

For my upper body, I'll do the following...

Dumbbell Shoulder Presses - 4 sets with 8 reps
Cable upright row - 3 sets with 8 reps
Dumbbell rear delt raise - 3 sets with 8 reps
One arm cable curl - 3 sets with 8 reps
Barbell Curl - 2 sets with 8 reps
Dumbbell concentration curl - 2 sets with 8 reps
Dumbbell triceps kickbacks - 3 sets with 8 reps
One arm dumbbell triceps ext - 3 sets with 8 reps
One arm reverse push down - 3 sets with 8 reps

I haven't worked out a lower body plan yet.  I'll work that out tomorrow.  I'll alternate my weights and cardio days but will always do at least 30 minutes of cardio per session.  I know this way, I'll see some amazing results really fast.

Tonight when I did it, I took note of all the heaviness of the weights that I was using and may increase them next time depending on how I feel over the next few days.

I'm so happy that I'm back into the swing of things :) I can't wait to see myself transform.

I've also started using 'My Fitness Pal' and my name is 'iamabeetle' on there for anyone who wants to add me :)

Hope everyone has had a fantastic weekend :) I know I certainly did xo

20 minutes for 1ml...

Today I went into the City to have my fill.  I went to get some new shoes first.

I was really pleased that they had exactly the same shoes that I used to have and they were half the price that they were when I first bought them.  They were exactly my size (12) as well which was lucky.  Everything happens for a reason :)

I then went off to have my fill.  There are only 2 people who do the fills at the Imaging Centre and the Doctor who did mine today normally doesn't have a problem finding it (it's done using an X-Ray so you'd imagine that there shouldn't be a problem at all).  Today, my port was not cooperating at all.  He tried for 20 minutes before he was able to put the fill in.  And it was only 1ml that went in.  He wasn't able to find the entrance to the port and he kept getting the edge of it (which is metal) so the needles kept bending.  I didn't feel a thing.  I did have a local though which may have helped but I am relieved that I don't feel it when I have to an adjustment as I know that some people aren't so lucky :)

I don't see Jason until the 8.11.2012 and after dinner tonight, I realized that I can only just notice the difference.  It's better to go slow and steady rather than fast.  It just means that I am going to have to work extra hard on self control, portion size and exercise.  All of these things are in my control.

I went to the Gym tonight.  I can't believe how unfit I am!  I went on the Treadmill, the Cross Trainer and the Bike.  I was so hot and sweaty by the time it was over.  I can't wait until I am fit again.  I know it's going to be hard work but it's an amazing feeling.  I look forward to feeling it again.

I have put some photos of the needle that they use for the fill in my photo album as I know some people don't like the look of them.  I have also put a photo of my 'jab wounds' in there as well.  Check them out if you'd like :)

High on emotion...

If you know me well (or I’ve just told you in passing because I think you’re special!), you’d know that I’ve been off work for the past 5 weeks.  It’s been a really trying time.  I haven’t been as productive as I’d hoped and I have let a lot of things go.  Including my desire to stick on my journey and continue losing weight.  In fact, I have put a fair bit on in the past 5 weeks.  It’s been quite a trying time.  I’ve spent most nights not being able to sleep, I’ve had nightmares, I have been high and low – it hasn’t been fun.  It got to the point where I was writing a list of 3 things that I wanted to achieve each day to ensure that I have been able to meet some goals.  It’s been shit!

I am not sure when I’m going back but I know during that time, I have a few things I want to do.  I want to give blood, rip up the shrubs outside the front of my house, finish painting the lounge room, volunteer in the Canteen at Callum’s School, finish my PT course and help make a difference in the world :)

Over the last few days, something has just clicked.  I have had enough of how I am feeling.  The downers are becoming more frequent and the uppers aren’t as ‘genuine’ as what they normally would be (I hope this makes sense!).  I’ve simply had enough.  And the fact that I am not sure about what the future holds (and I don’t really feel like thinking about it at the moment), hasn’t made things any easier.  So tonight, I went for a walk.

I walked around a track in Bacchus Marsh tonight.  I’ve walked around it a number of times.  My hips were killing me and I was quite puffed but I felt such a sense of achievement once I had done it. Each ‘section’ of the track got a little easier and I was in such a great mood by the end of it.  The Weather was lovely.  I watched the sun set as I was walking and put things into perspective.  I walked 3.25km in 43 minutes.

I can accept the things I can’t change although sometimes this is a bit tough.  But I need to continue to change the things that are in my control and find the courage to do so.  I love Pete Murray and the first verse of one of his songs called free is ‘As hard as you know you know, you will make the distance even if everything is falling down.  But don’t lose that vision and don’t lose your courage until you are standing here right with me now’.  These words make a lot of sense to me and have made me know that I can do this.  I can’t lose this.  I can’t give in.  I can’t give up.  I HAVE  to keep going.  I WILL do this.  I WANT this.

I got home and had some yogurt for dinner and I am going to get my fill either tomorrow or Tuesday.  That will fix things up.

I haven’t wanted to get my fill as I have once again fallen into the trap of eating my emotions (and I have so many of them!).  It’s shit but I can and will fix this.

I've relied on my friends over the past few weeks to get through.  Thank you all from the bottom of my heart xo you mean the world to me (especially my Trishy and Amelia and Sharon and Bec xoxo).  I am lucky that I have so much support around me and you can’t begin to understand how grateful I am for that.  You all have such a special place in my life and that is such a blessing.  Mwah xoxo

So I ask you as my gorgeous readers to hold me accountable!  If you don’t see me blog and you want to know what I’m up to, just post a comment!  I’m normally quiet when I’m not doing anything.  This is where I spill my truth and I find that hard to do at times as I don’t like owing up to the things I have been (or haven’t been) doing.

Once again, bring it on.  And hope I don’t stop moving again.  I deserve this.  Even if I don’t think I do.

P.S - Happy Anniversary Trish and Clint xo

Keeping on track by staying focussed

When I woke up this morning, I felt so much better than what I have over the past few days.  I'm not sure if it was due to my big 'spill' last night with what I wrote or if it was simply because I know that I need to just 'keep on swimming' but I went to be at roughly 2.30am.  I got up at 5 and surprisingly, I wasn't tired.  I went to work and the day went well.

I spoke to one of my colleagues who I have such a high level of respect for and we worked out a plan of attack.  Along with trying to understand what I am up against in the way of reading and researching, I am going to do the things that helped when I 'got sick' last time.  My relaxation, writing, reading, running - things I enjoy and things that help me remain focussed.

I know too that I work best when I have a goal set.  So, I am going to try running at least half of a 4km Fun Run with some friends from work.  The mission (should I choose to accept it) is the 'Run for the Firies'.  Brendan (my work mate who did the stairs with me) has set this up as a challenge and I am really looking forward to going along with him.  His Girlfriend, Mum and some other work mates are going to participate as is my eldest Son, Lachlan.  I am going to start training for it this weekend and will start using the Couch to 5k app that I was using sometime ago to get in the swing of things.  I am not sure if I can run the whole thing but I hope to do at least half of it.  I shall track my progress here :)

I think I've made a lot of progress over the past few days.  In a lot of different aspects.  And I look forward to making more as the weeks go by.

Thank you so much for the messages of encouragement.  They have been amazing.  And those sorts of things keep me going.  I can do this - the physical, mental and emotional will all come together once again soon and then there will be nothing that can stop me (again!).

Blah - long post

Sometimes when I start to write my blog, I know what I am going to talk about and the words just flow.  But there are other times when I write, I know what I want to write but although the words should flow, they don't.  Sometimes it's because I'm distracted by all the things going on in the house (that's what happens when you try and have 5 minutes to yourself when you've got 4 Children!).  Sometimes it's because I am not sure if what I want to say is appropriate for a public forum.  I often hold back as I end up thinking what I am writing is boring!  This is my blog and my space.  I sometimes need to just let go and write what I want and if there is back lash, deal with it when it occurs.

As most of you know, I have depression.  I also have borderline personality disorder (BPD).  Something that was diagnosed with a few years ago but the symptoms vary and many of them are ones that I have dealt with since I was quite young.  BPD is confusing.  It's tough.  It's insane.  It's like a big black cloud that just doesn't seem to blow away no matter how strong the wind is.  It sits there above me until it bursts and I can never predict what it lets go.  Lots of tears, upset, anger...  whatever the response to outburst, I am always able to cater for it.  I do a lot of drawing with chalk pastels or charcoal, boxing, different relaxation exercises, reading, running, hot showers - anything to give me something to focus on the present moment.  This takes a lot of practice but over the last few years, I've managed to tune it into a fine art.

As with any mental illness, sometimes the BPD is so unpredictable that I don't know how to react.  This can result in people around me feeling almost the same amount of frustration as what I do to what I'm going through.  Those closest to me know when I'm having a moment and even some of my friends whom I haven't met but have talked to for several years know when there's something not quite right and that's the place I've been in for the past few weeks. 

I also have an anxiety disorder.  It means taking baby steps.  Not thinking too much in advance as I can end up getting quite panicky.  I have several blockers that just pop up and stop me from doing what I want to do.  I am working through these.  Slowly. 

Mental illness doesn't discriminate.  It doesn't care who your friends are, who your family is or what you do for a job.  It doesn't care what size you are, what colour you are, if you're a girl or a boy, short or tall. 

Sometimes it's something that you can overcome.  And in my case both depression and BPD can be managed by medication, natural therapies and other techniques.  The best news for me is both of them are things that you can overcome.  But as with anything, it takes a lot of work.  And that's what I'm doing at the moment.  Working through my issues that aggravate the severity of my depression and the symptoms of BPD. 

Even though these illnesses leave you feeling as though you are alone a lot of the time, I always remind myself of the fact I have so many people around me to help me if I fall.  And that is so comforting to know because recently, I have been just hanging in there.  And it's been tough.

I'm not sure what has triggered this bout of 'crap'.  I know that BPD is like a pressure cooker.  I think that due to the fact there has been so much change recently, I've felt overwhelmed and it's come to a head. 

Where does the issue of 'weight' come into all of this?  I'm an emotional eater and when I feel awful, I tend to eat more.  Which means I put on weight. Which means I get frustrated so I eat and then I put on more weight and then I feel frustrated.  The good thing about the band is I am not able to eat as much as what I would normally and now that I love exercise, I am using exercise as an outlet for how I am feeling. 

Today was tough.  I had a tough day at work.  I've had migraines for the past week.  I also found out that someone very close to me has booked in for gastric sleeve surgery.  They have only had one appointment with one surgeon.  They are the same weight as me and I really worry that they haven't been given all the information required to make an informed decision.  This opened up my black cloud that I spoke about before.  I just started to cry.  I felt angry and confused and scared for this person.  And crying on the train isn't a good look!  Lucky the power was out on all the carriages tonight.  I don't think this person knows the risks associate with having the surgery at the weight they are.  And no matter what I say, I can't seem to convince them to get a second opinion.  I wish them nothing but health and happiness but I also know that the risks associated with me having this surgery would be the same as what they would be if they had this type of surgery. 

I felt awful expressing my concerns to this person.  I felt like I had burst their bubble.  I just want them to make sure they are doing the right thing and making the right choice.  And I can't make the decision for them but I really hope they take my advice and others if they choose to share their plan with anyone else.

I felt like going to the gym as soon as I got home but I wasn't able to as I couldn't work my pass :/ so, instead of eating my weight in chocolate, I thought I'd write about what's going on.  Everything. 

I know when I click publish I'll feel a sense of relief.  Slowly, pieces of my jigsaw puzzle come together.  These are some of the things I work on with my psychologist, Natasha. Being able to work out why I am the weight that I am and where it all came from is the best way to get rid of it.  I see her on Saturday and I look forward to chatting with her.

I'm sorry for such a long post.  I feel a bit better.  I know I have a long way to go to get out of this rut that I am in (mentally) but I am on the right track.  Everything will align again soon.  It's just a matter of pulling it in all together.  And I can do that.  Because I am me.  And I have the best people helping me pull through.  You all know who you are xo

Under 200kg - just.

I am happy that today is behind me!

I went and saw Dr Winnett.  I haven't seen him since the 1st of March when I had my band replaced.  I told him right away that I thought that I had put on weight and he was very positive about regardless of having put some on, I will be able to lose it.  I hopped on the scales and I weighed in at 199.6kg.  I think the fact I'm under 200kg is awesome mentally due to the fact that I'm not over 200kg but I like to think that the foods that I have been eating the last few days has contributed to me being under 200kg.  Who knows.  I could have been more at one stage. 

I had 1.5ml in my band.  I was under the impression that it had been empty this whole time.  After 15 minutes or so of trying to fill my band, he said that it would be best if I went down to Olympic Imaging to have it done via X-ray as  he was not able to put the fill in.  And I know that I am to blame for it due to the fact that I have put on so much weight over the past few months.  It was getting easier for him to find the port as time went on now, he wasn't able to do it at all.

I went to Olympic Park and Peter (the man who has dealt with all of my Barium Swallows) was there.  The fill was over in a few minutes.  After it was done, the man showed me how long the needle was that he used.  It was around about 20cm long.  It was huge.  No wonder the man doing the procedure kept asking if I could feel anything.  And although I had a local anaesthetic, he was surprised that I was quite comfortable throughout the procedure. 

I got to work at 1.  And even though I'm the weight that I am, I am feeling fantastic.  I have a spring in my step.  I am happy and carefree and feeling awesome.  I can't wait to see how I'll feel once I lose a bit more weight.

It feels strange having my band filled.  I sipped on some cold water before and I had forgotten what it feels like when it slows down when it gets to that point.  I nibbled on some pretzels before (healthiest snack I could find in the vending machine at work) and had to remind myself to chew, chew, chew.  I have had about 3 tic tacs and have been grazing on small box of Sustain.  I am full after half the packet.  It's a comforting feeling knowing that I have my tool back to help me through my journey again.

My next fill will be at Olympic Park in 2 weeks and I will see Dr Winnett again in 4 weeks.  My goal in the next 4 weeks is to attempt to lose 10kg.  I want it gone (again!).  And I know that I can do it.  It's so easy to put weight on but so hard to lose it but it feels much better losing it than putting it on.  I hope to be full of energy and back to feeling fit again within a few weeks.  I used to feel like I could take on the world.  I can't wait to get back to that.  Even if it means getting up so early to achieve it, I'm after results and results will only come with hard work and determination.  And I'll get there because I deserve to.  I know I can do it. 

So much so, I'm going to go to the Gym - I'm feeling tense and I can't think of anything better to get that tension out other than some boxing and lifting some weights.

So here we go again :)

2nd August 2012

2nd August 2012