Due to my new friend chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS), I don't have a lot of energy which means I spend a lot of the day sitting (or laying!) on the couch. I'm not totally unproductive when I'm there - I pay bills, send emails, make appointments - I do the things that need to be done BUT I also spend a massive amount of time being unproductive. If you've been following me for a while, you may have noticed I post a story on IG daily (well, I try to!) but that's about the extent of what I do. I had one of my close friends tell me off for not replying to the message they sent me on IG - I can't remember the last time I checked my DMs on any platform. I enjoy chatting to people but I am guilty of starting to have a conversation and then forgetting that I was so I leave it unread!
So it's time I tried something new and this is it. To force me to journal (which is something I find really helpful but haven't been doing a lot of), I'm going to do it here. And I'll attempt to do it daily so that one day I can look back and see how far I've come. Although I've been feeling 'okay', I know I'm not myself. It doesn't take a lot for me to feel like I'm on shaky ground and sometimes I wonder how much (if anything) it will take for me to fall. It's due to a mixture of stuff but most of it is to do with how exhausted I am.
At the moment, I'm sleeping for around 4 hours a night but it's broken sleep. Sometimes I get the 4 hours in 1 hour blocks, sometimes I get the 4 hours in one hit. But it's absolutely killing me. When I don't get enough sleep, I end up spiralling into a depressive low and I need to go to Hospital. That is what I am trying to avoid. I have a huge list of stuff that I need to get done but don't have the energy for because I'm not sleeping so it's an evil cycle that I can't seem to break. I'm working with someone who is giving me strategies on how to deal with the CFS symptoms but like most things, it's going to be a marathon and not a sprint.
I want to focus on getting my boxes unpacked (yes, my garage is still full of them as I sustained my injury shortly after moving here), making my house a home, writing, turning my backyard into an Urban Oasis, gym, pole, fishing, walking, a new sport, getting Sunshine (where possible), stretching, relaxing, reading, spending time with friends, baking - so many things that are more worthy of my time. And whilst I'm scrolling, I'm not challenging myself to push past the tiredness and unpack a box or get up off the couch and cut down a Yukka! My main focus though is working on me and being the best version of myself. I feel like I lost that when I was injured. I lost a lot of my favourite bits about me so I'm going to work hard to get them back.
Apologies in advance for the fact I haven't yet announced my departure publicly! I know people tend to freak out when I'm absent (which I appreciate greatly) but I'm still here. You're welcome to follow along and read my ramblings if you wish to xo I'm excited about what I anticipate achieving but I do acknowledge it may be a bit of a struggle to begin with!
Thank you for all your support xo it does mean the world. I have evolved a lot over the years. I am proud of the fact I've decided I want better for me. Although it's taken me a while to work out some of the things I need to cut in order to focus on myself, my mental health, physical health and healing matter so much to me right now.