I'm still alive!

Hello!  I am still here!  And I am absolutely loving my break from social media.  It's also made me see how much I really needed one.

The first day was really strange.  I kept picking up my phone to check on things.  I am not sure what I was checking on but I picked it up anyway!  I also picked up my phone a lot to take photos of things to share on my Insta stories.  I ended up getting so many things done.  I cleaned, unpacked boxes, took the Dogs for a walk.  I actually began to wonder how I've actually managed to find time to be on it anyway?  I haven't had time.  I've just been doing what I can to avoid facing a lot of the stuff that I haven't wanted to front up to.  I also feel as though I'd stopped trying as hard as I could.  

I actually slept so well on the first night.  I thought that perhaps I had cured my chronic fatigue syndrome (I'm totally kidding - I know that there is no way that would happen!) but the second night showed me that nope, it is still there and it's alive and well.

The last few days have felt as though I am on school camp.  There are so many new activities to do and things to explore!  It's a really strange way of putting things but that is really the only way I can describe it.  I've been doing a lot of reading, relaxing, exercising, spending time with my creatures and cooking.  Today I've hit a wall and haven't done much at all but I needed a day off.

One thing I've really enjoyed is the fact that I have more time to connect with those around me.  It's been good to have a little less anxiety and worry to focus my energy on.  I've been looking out the window when we go for a drive and I've been seeing things that I have never noticed before.  I know these things probably sound really stupid but it's probably been my favourite thing over the last few days - the fact that I have the time to pay attention to the things that really mater to me. 

Unplugging

I'm not sure how long I'm going to last but over the weekend I decided that it's time to have a break from social media.  For the most part, I love using it and enjoy doom scrolling and laughing at cat videos, oohing and aahing over new babies that have entered the world and seeing what my friends and family are up to.  On the flip side, I am spending way more time than I'd like on there and have been doing so since I started to become unwell as it's such a time killer!  I was watching a Woman from Overseas the other week who was sitting on a swingy chair with a cup of Tea.  She was live streaming.  Someone asked her if she'd seen photos from the MetGala and what she thought.  She laughed and said she didn't have time for any of that and that there were way more important things for her to focus her time on which is what has really made me look at what I want for myself because this isn't it! 

Due to my new friend chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS), I don't have a lot of energy which means I spend a lot of the day sitting (or laying!) on the couch.  I'm not totally unproductive when I'm there - I pay bills, send emails, make appointments - I do the things that need to be done BUT I also spend a massive amount of time being unproductive.  If you've been following me for a while, you may have noticed I post a story on IG daily (well, I try to!) but that's about the extent of what I do.  I had one of my close friends tell me off for not replying to the message they sent me on IG - I can't remember the last time I checked my DMs on any platform.  I enjoy chatting to people but I am guilty of starting to have a conversation and then forgetting that I was so I leave it unread!

So it's time I tried something new and this is it.  To force me to journal (which is something I find really helpful but haven't been doing a lot of), I'm going to do it here.  And I'll attempt to do it daily so that one day I can look back and see how far I've come.  Although I've been feeling 'okay', I know I'm not myself.  It doesn't take a lot for me to feel like I'm on shaky ground and sometimes I wonder how much (if anything) it will take for me to fall.  It's due to a mixture of stuff but most of it is to do with how exhausted I am.

At the moment, I'm sleeping for around 4 hours a night but it's broken sleep.  Sometimes I get the 4 hours in 1 hour blocks, sometimes I get the 4 hours in one hit.  But it's absolutely killing me.  When I don't get enough sleep, I end up spiralling into a depressive low and I need to go to Hospital.  That is what I am trying to avoid.  I have a huge list of stuff that I need to get done but don't have the energy for because I'm not sleeping so it's an evil cycle that I can't seem to break.  I'm working with someone who is giving me strategies on how to deal with the CFS symptoms but like most things, it's going to be a marathon and not a sprint.

I want to focus on getting my boxes unpacked (yes, my garage is still full of them as I sustained my injury shortly after moving here), making my house a home, writing, turning my backyard into an Urban Oasis, gym, pole, fishing, walking, a new sport, getting Sunshine (where possible), stretching, relaxing, reading, spending time with friends, baking - so many things that are more worthy of my time.  And whilst I'm scrolling, I'm not challenging myself to push past the tiredness and unpack a box or get up off the couch and cut down a Yukka!  My main focus though is working on me and being the best version of myself.  I feel like I lost that when I was injured.  I lost a lot of my favourite bits about me so I'm going to work hard to get them back.

Apologies in advance for the fact I haven't yet announced my departure publicly!  I know people tend to freak out when I'm absent (which I appreciate greatly) but I'm still here.  You're welcome to follow along and read my ramblings if you wish to xo I'm excited about what I anticipate achieving but I do acknowledge it may be a bit of a struggle to begin with!  

Thank you for all your support xo it does mean the world.  I have evolved a lot over the years.  I am proud of the fact I've decided I want better for me.  Although it's taken me a while to work out some of the things I need to cut in order to focus on myself, my mental health, physical health and healing matter so much to me right now.

121kg - I now weigh what I've lost!

I finally did it.  I weigh the same as what I’ve lost – 121kg.  When I stood on the scales and saw those numbers, it was quite surreal.  It was different to when I had officially lost 100kg as I had been actively trying to get to that point but this was different – I haven’t been trying to lose weight this time round – I have been trying to keep my head above water.  Weight loss is something that has been happening quietly in the background whether I’m ready for it or not.  So when I saw those numbers a few weeks ago, I didn’t get too excited as I know that I’ll see them again and again over the next few months as one thing I’ve learned very well is weight loss is not linear – I’ll never say ‘I’ve lost such and such forever’ as I probably haven’t. 

I know I’m going to get asked – how have I lost the weight over the last 6 months.  Whilst I haven’t been as active on socials as I normally am, I have been posting my stories.  I walk most days, I drink at least 2 litres of water on most days and I’ve been focussing a lot on trying to get good quality sleep (although it doesn’t always work!).  I’ve also been in a calorie deficit (whether it be a good thing or a bad thing as some days I wasn’t able to eat due to stress).  I’m also on a medication called Zyban which is being used to treat my depression – some people lose up to 5% of their body weight on this medication (that would have been about 7kg for me).  Now that I'm a better head space and I'm doing all the 'normal' things again, I am going to notice my weight hover around the 120kg mark for a while and that's okay.

It's been hard seeing myself get smaller.  I haven’t celebrated it like I have in previous years.  Not because I’m not proud of myself or ecstatic that it’s happened – I am but Psychologically, I’m not ready for it as I’m trying so hard to keep my shit together that I don’t have time to process the image that is staring back in the mirror at me or the fact that I now slide into size 20 pants.  I haven’t been this weight since my late teens/early twenties.

Because I haven’t been up to going to the gym or doing much else other than what I have been, I haven’t been toning so my skin is wobbly!  Especially my ‘bat wings’.  I’m not worried about this as I know it will only take me a few months to feel more comfortable with them once I start doing some exercises but even when I type that, I try and find an answer to ‘when will you feel like toning up?’ and there is no answer there.

I think the biggest thing I’ve struggled with over the last 12 months is the lack of motivation and interest I have had in anything.  It simply doesn’t exist.  The last 12 months for me has been a challenge – it was this time last year I advised my Psychologist that I didn’t think the job I was in at the time was what they said it was going to be and sure enough, 4 months later I’d find myself in Hospital experiencing suicidal ideation.  None of that was on my bingo card for 2024/2025.  But it happened.  And I ended up in a slump.  One that would end up being one of the biggest fights of my life and one that would change the direction I was heading in.

I’ve really had to be gentle on myself and show myself compassion – something I’m not good at doing.  I am my own worst critic and I used to speak to myself in a horrible way but being kind, understanding and accepting a lot of stuff that I haven’t wanted to has been hard.  I haven’t worked since August 2024 because I haven’t been able to.  I believe I’m almost ready to dip my toe into something again but what that looks like, I don’t know.  Part of that excites me but the other part is terrified because it’s really made me look at where I want to be and I think I know where that is.  It’s right here doing this.  Sharing my experiences in order to help others and using my battles to help others feel strong.

Sorry to use the C word but… in 2020 when Covid hit, I thought that is when I was at the peak of my game.  I was at the gym every day, I was eating well, I had started my ‘workout with Steph’ groups and had started rolling out the program that I had written.  And then bang.  Covid hit.  And I headed in a different direction at that point.  I was doing things that I still enjoy doing – mainly Youth work but found it hard to get back on path that I was on which is why perhaps this is a blessing in disguise.

I’m the type of person that believes everything happens for a reason.  I don’t mean that the things that happen are always going to be nice or pleasant (a lot of them are fucked up!) but I like to think that those experiences shape us and prepare us for our next adventure which makes me grateful for the struggles I’ve encountered in the last 12 months – it’s given me a greater appreciation for a lot of things and has pushed me out of my comfort zone more times than I wanted but did I die?  No.

What’s next for me?  I’d like to hope that slowly I can get back into what I was doing – Personal Training, coaching, counselling, workshops, podcasts, groups – all the things!  But for the moment, I need to keep doing what I’ve been doing so well – putting one foot in front of the other and getting through each day – even if sometimes it’s minute by minute.  

Oh, how did I celebrate losing what I weigh?  I ate a fucking lamington – that’s how.  Is there any other way it should have been done?

Thank you all for being here.  I appreciate every single one of you.  I’m sorry if I don’t respond to inboxes as quickly as I used to but I see them there and I feel so much love, support and encouragement in this space.  I am truly blessed. 

 

Trigger warning - suicide

Trigger warning – this blog speaks at length about suicide.

Suicide.  We need to talk about it.  It needs to be a word we say and not hide from.  It’s not an easy topic to talk about.  There’s nothing nice about it.  Nothing happy.  Nothing easy and sure as hell not something anyone wants to speak about but it needs to happen.  Something must be done in order to make sure that people who are feeling this way know that there is help, that there is support and that there are people who are willing and able to have a discussion at any time they need to.  

I’ve had this chat with a few people tonight and the reaction has been the same – they struggled to get into the conversation as it’s uncomfortable to do but once they realised they were safe in speaking about it, we were able to have some really robust discussions about how they would help someone who approached them saying that they wanted to take their life.  Some people knew exactly what they would do and other people weren’t sure about how they would mange the issue.  And how would you manage the issue if you yourself weren't feeling okay?

It was interesting to hear that having a conversation about preventing suicide was something that they would prefer to avoid but when faced with realisation that one day they may receive a call that someone they loved has taken their own life, they will naturally question what more they could have done.  Often there’s nothing more that could have been done but if there was some kind of knowledge that could be shared to facilitate these discussions to make them as gentle as possible, would they have wanted to have the opportunity to have been part of such a conversation?

I’m not suggesting that we all go out and become trained suicide counsellors – not at all.  I am of the strong belief that we need to start speaking about it more so that we are more comfortable in having the conversation.  Every time I see a news story that speaks about the loss of a life due to suicide, they gloss over the topic.  They don’t mention the word.  Why?  There are a few reasons.  Firstly due to the fact that it can trigger people.  They’re also not able to choose who watches the story – the news isn’t always PG rated.  There is also a phenomenon called the Werther effect which essentially is where it is suggested there is an association between media reporting on suicides and subsequent suicides that follow. 

I found a really interesting paper that covers the issue in depth (being a Uni girl, I’ll ensure I cite it correctly!).  Domaradzki (2021) examined the Werther effect in depth (the Werther effect means extensive and emotionally charged coverage of suicides – especially those of celebrities – can lead to an increase in suicidal behaviour in the general population).  The outcome of the review was interesting – it found that the way the media reports on suicide directly affects suicide rates.  It also shows that the media can either increase the risk of suicide or help prevent it – depending on how the subject is handled.  If reporting is responsible and follows best practices, it can help education, reduce stigma, encourage people to seek help and prevent further suicides.  With this in mind, I am still unsure as to why they can’t stipulate what Lifeline does and why they are sharing their number.  It also makes me wonder why they aren’t sharing the suicide call back service which is more preferable to call if you are needing someone to answer quicker.

I don’t know what the solution to the problem is.  I just know that my heart breaks for everyone impacted by it.  I know that I’ve been able to help a lot of people over the years by sharing the things that I have experienced when it’s come to my mental health.  And I hope that this is no different.  I know what it feels like to be there as I survived 2 attempts when I was a Teenager.  I haven’t attempted since I’ve been an Adult but there have been 2 times where I have been close and both times I was in Hospital and I’d chosen to be admitted a few days prior as I could feel that I was going downhill very fast.  The last time was late last year.  

It’s hard to describe what it’s like.  How it feels when you're there.  It’s intense.  It’s not somewhere anyone wants to be.  Ever.  No one is immune.  It doesn’t discriminate.  But we can help each other by getting better at knowing how to talk about it, knowing how to respond, knowing how to act and knowing that just being there for someone sitting in that moment with them can mean more than anyone will ever know.  Let’s be honest – those who have depression or suicidal ideation often get put into the category of someone who is negative, depressed or toxic.  It can be hard to deal with someone when they are down but I personally find it hard to let them drown on their own.  Let’s end the stigma and save lives.

Here are a few helpful resources that you may wish to refer to - 

https://lifelinedirect.org.au/newengland/news/how-to-talk-about-suicide

https://www.suicidepreventionaust.org/news/safe-language/

https://www.mhfa.com.au/how-to-talk-about-suicide-your-words-matter/

https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/suicide/helping-others/

If you are struggling and need someone to talk to, please reach out to your local crisis support service and know you're not alone even if you feel like you are xo 

If you're in Australia, you can contact - 

Suicide call back service - 1300 659 467 - https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/

Lifeline - 13 11 14 - https://www.lifeline.org.au/

Domaradzki, J. (2021). The Werther effect, the Papageno effect or no effect? A literature review. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 18(5), 2396. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph18052396

A little update

I have got so much to write!  It’s been a long time since I sat down to put down everything that has been going on.  I don’t even know where to start!

The last 12 months has been incredibly challenging.  And whilst I can’t say much at the moment due to legalities, I look forward to spilling the Tea when the time comes.  The tea is scolding hot and I have all the receipts.  In a nutshell – I sustained a workplace injury last year and have been off work since.  I have clawed my way back from some of the darkest moments I have ever experienced to be where I am right now.  And it hasn’t been easy but I’m here. 

When I started sharing the story about my weight loss, that is what my focus was.  I’d share exercise videos, progress shots, motivational quotes, random funny things – whatever was going on for me at the time, I’d focus on as such, this has seen the content that I share change (and become less and less).  My focus has been more so on my mental health and getting through each day.  Anything else that I manage to achieve is a bonus. 

My darkest days were between August 2024 and November 2024.  A lot of it I don’t remember.  I know I spent a lot of time in bed sleeping or reading.  I know that I struggled to eat.  I had no energy to exercise.  I stopped being able to provide for my family – cooking, cleaning, keeping track of appointments and other daily tasks became something that I found almost impossible to complete.  Every single day I’ve had to push through and try a little harder than the day before to be where I am now and even then I’m still not fully back to being ‘me’.

I was assessed for ADHD back in November last year.  It didn’t surprise me when my Psychiatrist confirmed that I am Neurospicey.  I have been on medication for the last 6 months.  I think it’s helping.  A few weeks ago I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome (which explains a lot).  This has been really hard to push through.  I can’t remember the last time I slept for more than an hour and a half at a time.  I wake up several times during the night and find it hard to get back to sleep.  One of the medications I am on makes me feel very cloudy and I find myself buying things that I don’t remember purchasing or filling out surveys online that I don’t remember completing.  Fun and games!

I start Personal Training again in the next few weeks.  I am super excited but very nervous.  I am the lowest weight that I have been since I was in my Teens and my body has changed so much since I was last there.  I am looking forward to seeing what I can accomplish.  I also plan on recommencing Pole dancing (I was booked in for last week but had to cancel as I was so tired).

I am finding the Psychological challenges of being this size very hard to navigate.  I am finding it hard to look in the mirror as I don’t recognise my face.  It’s the same when I try clothes on – I don’t recognise myself in the mirror.  I am in a size 18 – 20 top and a 20 – 22 pants (roughly – clothing sizes are shit and are just a rough guide).  Body dysmorphia is a real thing as I don’t feel any different to what I did but when I look at myself, that’s when I start picking myself apart.

Over the next few months I want to keep focussing on getting well.  Psychological injuries aren’t fun but they can be a bit tougher to navigate as the rehabilitation process isn’t the same as a physical injury.  If I shattered my knee back in August, I’d probably still have a bit of a limp as a result and people would understand that I’m not as ‘fit’ as I was.  Because you can’t see my injury, people assume that I’m ready to go back to work because I look fine.  But I’m not.  But I will be.

I have hundreds of ideas about what I want to do.  I want to write and publish stories, take on some PT clients, write programs for Young People that focus on wellness and mental health – I want to do all the things.  But I need to remember one thing at a time and all the things will happen.

I feel like I’m closer than I have ever been to where I want to be.  And this makes me happy.  I’m still enjoying the ride and trust that it will take me to where I am supposed to be.