It does take two hands to handle a whopper... I'd forgotten that...

No one is perfect.  I get that.  But today I was very naughty.

I ate a whopper with cheese and onion rings and sipped on a small coke.  This is the first really bad take away meal that I have had for ages.  And it took me so long to eat.  And I didn’t even feel bad afterwards!  I am really looking forward to getting my fill as I have started to feel hungry over the past few weeks.  I see Dr Winnett next Wednesday.  It can’t come quick enough.

I haven’t done any exercise in the last week.  It’s been more of a time factor more than anything.  I am very time poor at the moment but the good thing is, I seem to be losing weight and although I haven’t done an official weigh in, pants are a lot looser and tops are starting to hang off me when they used to be skin tight. 

The bullying hasn't stopped.  I got called a Whale the other week.  When I look at who called me a Whale, I realize how much they need help!  I don't know where these people come up with such inventive names.  And wouldn't you think they'd be realistic at least?  It's pathetic.  And people who do such things must have horrible, miserable lives.  It's sad and I feel deeply sorry for them.

I am going to ask Dr Winnett to refer me to a Psychologist on Wednesday.  There are a lot of fantastic Psychologists out there who deal with weight related issues and I think part of this journey is not just the physical but also the emotional and I think that I’ve now gotten to a point where I need a bit of help on all playing fields.  I’d like to know why I got where I did.  And I want to tackle the issues as there seems to be a roadblock in front of me at the moment that I am really trying to past but can’t.  I’m pretty sure everyone gets to that point somewhere along the way.

I celebrated my 32^nd birthday last Monday :) it was quite a good day.  I had a fantastic time at work.  Everyone pitched in and got some cup cakes and some fruit and cheese.  It was lots of fun.  I’m going out this Friday night as well.  Something I’m really looking forward to.  I didn’t get anything for my birthday.  Mum and Dad have insisted that I think of something that I want but I am for once feeling content with everything that I have.  I have never felt like this in my life.  I can’t think of anything I need or want that would make anything better than what it already is.  It is hard to describe.  But I am happy. 

Lachie starts back at School next week and Callum commences this week.  I can’t believe how fast they have grown.  The Twins start Kinder next week aslso.  There are going to be tears all round.  I still find it hard to believe that I am the Mother of a Teenager!  Eeek!  I’m so proud of my kids and how they’re turning out.  They never fail to amaze me with everything that they do.  I love them.

I am getting ready for my third relay for life :) I’m really looking forward to it this year.  It’s going to be a fantastic night.  We have a great team so far and I’m hoping to raise lots of money for the Cancer Council.  I walk in honour of my Nanna who passed away on the 20^th of July 2011.  She put up such a strong fight and I am proud of her and miss her a lot.  If you’re able to sponsor me, please do so here…

http://vic.cancercouncilfundraising.org.au/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=323513&langPref=en-CA&Referrer=http%3a%2f%2fwww.relayforlife.org.au%2fGetInvolved%2fSponsorATeamOrIndividual.aspx

In the coming weeks, I am also going to put some quilts up for Auction that my Aunty made.  They will be put on Ebay and any money raised will go toward my stair climb fundraiser which is also in support of the Cancer Council. 

 A few people have asked me do I watch the biggest loser.  No, I don’t.  I used to but I find a lot of it so wrong.  I do agree that if one person is able to find help through watching it and motivates them to lose weight, that’s fantastic but I find that their methods are unrealistic and they’re more interested in the game than what they are helping people.  It is a shame that this show that used to inspire me now makes me so annoyed that I couldn’t even watch the first episode.  I hope that the contestants do well and I wish them all the best for a healthy and happier future.

I also had someone Email the other week suggesting that I start doing some video blogging.  Hmmm… I’ll think about it :)

Hope everyone has an awesome week xo

200th post! Pleased it's a good one :)

Welcome to my 200th post ;) 200?!?!  I can't believe I've written that much!
I am SO back on track :) I am going to do Opti Fast for 2 weeks.  Today I had an Opti Fast shake for Breakfast, one for lunch and heaps of water (almost 2 litres - 250ml to go to be exact which I sip on as I type).  Today was pretty easy although dinner didn't end up being leafy greens as planned - I have had a small can of Tuna, a tiny bit of lite tasty cheese and some fat free mayonnaise.  I didn't get the chance to go to the shops tonight but I shall be better prepared tomorrow night :)

I also did some exercise tonight (yes Mum, I stayed well hydrated).  A lot of boxing and a mixture of running and walking.  More so running.  I feel sore again but after a nice hot shower, I feel really good.  Will in bed soon.

It's an amazing feeling getting back into things.  I am not sure what switched.  Something.  It just clicked.  And I am happy that it did.  I am feeling very much alive :) something I haven't felt for a few months.  And I know it's going to keep getting better.

It is also nice to be able to add some entries to my exercise blog...
I am going to weigh myself in the morning and see how well I'm doing, I think.  I have decided that there is no point in weighing yourself early if you're not sure of getting a positive result but I can't have been working my butt off for nothing :)

I had a really long, hard day at work today.  I am happy that I have learnt to transfer that negative feeling into something positive such as exercising :) things are looking good :)

So peoples, 200th post is done :)

Exercising has returned :)

Some people often ask me what I do for exercise.  I do blog about it but if you're a regular reader, you would know that I have been very slack when it comes to the exercise department for the past few months.  This changed on Friday.

I went to the gym on Friday and did a very short but worthwhile work out.  I walked on the treadmill, used the medicine ball and did some steps.

I didn't do anything yesterday as I watned to give my legs a break - my legs are quite sore (a good sore) but today, they had gotten so bad that I knew the only way to stop them from feeling like that would to be work them so today, I went to the local park and did a work out.  I did laps of the cricket pitch - up and back.  Running on the way up and power walking on the way back and when I got to the end, I did 20 punches.  I did this 20 times.  I did 10 push ups.  They KILL me but, they need to be done.  Lachlan (my personal trainer for the day) said that I do a girl's push up.  Uh, yeah?  Cos I'm a girl?  We walked up the hill and back down again and then I did 2 laps of the Oval - 20 walking steps and 50 running.  All in all, I was very impressed with the results of my work out.  My heart rate monitor indcated that I was working in zone 3 (working VERY hard) for over 3/4 of my work out.  I certainly felt it. 

After I had finished, the kids played in the park for a while.  Callum fell over in the middle of the oval in pain and I didn't know what was wrong.  I walked quickly torward him and as I was half way there, I remembered I could run so, I ran!  He had been stung by a bee.  He is fine.

I'm so glad to be back.  I don't know where it came from but I am happy.  I am going to bring my runners into work tomorrow and shall do some running in the city (you have been warned, Melbourne).  I hope I don't get called fat.  This is my biggest fear... I'm not going to let this stop me from getting to my goal. 

My eating will be perfect tomorrow as will my water intake.  I'm going to get to my goal of being under 150 by the end of February (one would hope) but I know I am going to have to work my butt of like nothing else to do so.  Nothing will stop me.  Well, other than sore legs perhaps!

All photos were taken today - 15th January 2012

Push ups - no, not as easy as they look either.  I do as much of a full push up as I can until my fat gets in the way!  Yes, I'm on my knees for those wondering...

Squats - these are quite hard to do as well as my fat gets in the way.  They do the job though!  They're just awkward...

Very hot and bothered!

Running!  Not as easy as it looks.  I feel like I could run really fast but I have so much weight to carry... 

I have really big muscles.  You can see how much excess skin I have in this photo.  My arms are actually really little but you can't see that because of the excess skin.  Really looking forward to getting it chopped off somewhere down the track...

When you look at this photo, you need to put a song over as a soundtrack - 'I see you baby, shaking that arse, shaking that arse, shaking that arse...'

Awesome work out :)

I had a shitful day.  I had a headache and the day just dragged.  It's hard to focus when you are feeling awful.  With that, I decided I'd go to the gym.  It's the first time that I've been to the gym in months.  I miss it.  But this year, NOTHING is going to stop me from feeling fit again and back to where I was mid way last year.  Nothing.
I only had an hour but I made the most of it.  I did some walking on the treadmill and also did the stairs.  I managed to do 20 flights before I was buggered!  I have a LONG way to go to get back to where I was but it's going to be worth it.  I also used the medicine ball.  Lachie was with me so it made it more fun.  My legs are tired.  I am going to go back tomorrow and again on Sunday.  I've really missed it.  I am going to start slowly and work my way.

I need to refocus on what I wanted.  I have got some new challenges and goals that I am working toward.

My short term goal is the upcoming relay for life in Melton in February.  Endurance is the key for this and a lot of walking is in store for the next month. 

My mid term goal is to do the stairs of my building again.  I feel as though I've taken a step backwards in my fitness but would love to be at the point where I am able to do this again.  If not once but twice.  Climbing stairs is something that I really enjoy and I get the best work out from it.  There's a track in Bacchus Marsh that a friend let me know about that I am looking forward to doing.  I am still yet to go up those 1,000 steps in Fentree Gully.  These are on the to do list for sure.

My long term goal at the moment is to participate in something called 'tough mudder'.  It's something that Brendan pointed out to me today and it sounds awesome.  I wouldn't do it until next year but will start the training regime this week as there are some key things to it.  I'll have to be really, really fit.  It would be awesome to participate in it.

I shall post little reminders around the place to inspire me and keep me on track.  I still have a lot of things that I want to do such as playing Football, participating in a Triathlon and I know all of these things will come in time.  I am just happy that I have the thirst to succeed back and have been able to set some realistic and exciting goals.

Thank you to those who have gotten me back on track.  I have thanked a few of you.  I really appreciate it.  You are all inspiring xo

One thing I realised today - nothing keeps you going more than when your Child says to you 'I give up'.  That made me keep going and it also made me keep him going :)

It HAS to stop

I normally try and have a bit of a structure to my blogs and what I write but today, I am just going to spill...

I am SO happy that I am not a Child of this era.  If there was another platform where bullies could have gotten to me, I am not sure how I would have coped.  I have written about how I am (and have been bullied) as an Adult a fair bit but being bullied as a Child was a totally different story.  The last time I was bullied was on the 2nd of January 2012.  I got out of the car at Dandenong and was called a 'f**king fat slut'.  My Children were in the Car.  I was disgusted, hurt and amazed at the fact that this man thought he could call me that.  I had done nothing other than step out of my Car.  Nothing.  The last time I was Cyber bullied was this afternoon when I deleted yet another comment on my blog about how fat I am.

It was in late November that I changed my settings on my blog to the fact that they are moderated before they appear.  I am lucky that I have some great software where posts from certain IP addresses go into my SPAM file (I have 3 lovely ones sitting in there right now) but, I now approve each comment manually as I got sick of the bullies being able to comment on here.  I do welcome comments and 99% of them are approved, I just don't see why everyone else should have to read them and put my readers in an awkward position where they feel as though they themselves need to defend me against people like that.

I was bullied a lot as a Child.  In primary School, I remember getting 'bigger than most' in about Grade 3.  Tears have started and I haven't even began writing yet!  In Grade 5, we were doing a school concert and we needed to have our waists measured for some skirts that were being made.  All of the measurements were written down on the board.  My waist was the largest and I remember feeling singled out because of it.  There was another bigger girl in my class and I remember she never got picked on as much a what I did. I'm not sure why.  The Primary School that I went to were fantastic and any bullying was put to a stop but once I got to Secondary School, you're a small fish in a big pond and things change.

I got pushed into a Pond, people used to make noises as I walked (boom bada, boom bada), 'hey, hey, hey, it's fat Albert' would be chanted as I walked into rooms, 'I feel the earth move under my feet' would be sung constantly.  I have written about it before but one of the most hurtful things was when a girl (I do remember her name but will not mention it) locked the doors on the bus when we were on our way to a drama excursion.  She said that I was too fat to get on the bus and that the tyres would pop if I got on.  I remember calling my Mother.  I didn't go on the excursion.  It was to a Theatre and Theatre Studies was one of my favorite subjects.  I was very disappointed.

I was always picked last when we had group things.  I was pushed, shoved, called blubber, fatty boom ba, elephant, whale, worthless.  I was jiggled.  People would make jokes about slapping my leg and making a wave.  I didn't get this until I was a bit older when I realised if you slap your leg, it ripples a bit.  I remember bending over to get my books when they were pushed out of my locker and someone pretending to be sucked into the black hole (talking about my butt, obviously).  I wore a belt around my waist and tightened i so I felt skinny.  I have those marks still as I wore it for years, it acted a bit like a corset.  Mum used to have to get my School dresses made as I didn't fit into the biggest ones. 

I remember a Boy in my class used to wear his jumper during summer as he would sweat and he would lose weight.  I decided to copy him.  I got hot and bothered - that's about all.  I wasn't welcome to sit at the back of the bus.  My first real boyfriend in High School didn't want me to tell anyone that we were going out as he didn't want to be bullied too.  He was ashamed.  I had a lot of guys tell me that they would go out with me only if I would lose a bit of weight, pointing to the bits that they didn't feel were right. 

I felt singled out.  I felt isolated.  Repulsed by myself.  And to have these feelings at such a young age is difficult.  They are confusing.  And they do shape who you are.  And even to this day it hurts.

I think I've mentioned it before that a number of people who bullied me at High School have used Facebook as a place to say that they're sorry.  And I keep those messages.  They mean so much to me.  I SO want to send messages to those who gave me hell to tell them how much they hurt me but, I don't and I won't.  I shall just wait until the next reunion and walk in with my head held high when no one recognises me.

Cyber bullying is something that is quite new.  I want to say now God helps anyone who picks on my Children!  My eldest has just started using Facebook (hi Lachie!) and I have his password and his User ID.  I created the account for him and both him and I blocked people who he didn't want contacting him.  He knows that I have his password and he knows that I access it.  He also knows that I will talk to him about things that I feel are of a concern.  It's the same with his phone.  I do spot checks.  And I am happy that I have as I've managed to stop a few people who were using his phone to send messages to others bullying them.  It was very upsetting for this particular girl who was being called a slut by these other girls.  They made it clear that it wasn't Lachlan who was sending the messages and they were using his phone as they had ran out of credit but this girl (she is 13) was terribly upset.  I sent a message to the girls who were using his phone asking them not to use his phone again unless it is an emergency.

He showed me a You Tube video the other day.  It was about a girl who had committed suicide.  She had jumped in front of a train as she had been bullied.  It has been all over the news today.  Lachie and I watched the video and we spoke about it.  It's sad watching this girl speak of her friend and how much she is going to be missed.  You can see the pain in her eyes and as I type this, I just watched the 5pm news and it was the opening story.  The Father is obviously distraught. 

As a Parent, I know that it's my job to do everything I can to protect my Child.  And even though he hates it (hi Lachie once again), he knows that I've got his back no matter what.  He was bullied on Skype some time ago and I sorted that out.  He experienced a short stint of bullying at School mid last year and that was sorted out quick smart.  It's important to educate yourself on what your kids are doing.  I'm not a perfect parent by any means but, I know more about some Children than what their parents do and they know that they can confide in me.  I'd prefer they talk to me rather than not have anyone to talk to and whatever help I can offer them, I will. 

I am not the perfect parent but I hope that my Children feel that if they can't open up to me, they can open up to their Father, their Grandmother or Grandfather, their Nanna or Pa, their Aunt or Uncle or one of their friends.  It's important that they talk to someone - anyone about what is going on as it could literallly mean the difference between life and death.

When Lachie first started School, the Kids were shown this video as were the Parents.  This really stuck in my mind.  Watch it with your Kids.  Talk about it.  Open up that dialogue.  Get to know what they're going through.  They'll thank you when they're older for having their back.  And sometimes I bite my tongue when I read some of the things on his Facebook (I am astounded to read some of the things that I do) but, I know that in his generation, it's part of who 'they' are.  It's a matter of teaching him the difference between wrong and right but just on a different level.  Bullying will always be around.  Bullying is just now at the hands of not only people who are cruel enough to say it to your face but also cowardly enough to sit behind a keyboard and for some reason think there is no consequence when they write what they write.  This is not the case.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S03Br1dwJR8

IT HAS TO STOP.  It hurts.  It leads to depression, self harm, suicide, withdrawing from society, uncertainty, substance abuse, problems in relationships, low self esteem, people who fake suicide - a whole load of things. And it stays with you forever and ever and ever. That's if you have the strength to make it that far.  That might sound  a bit far fetched for some but it's true. The scars last a lifetime.

May I also point out that this is just my story - it's not just bigger people who get picked on - no one is safe.  Even the bullies themselves.

My thoughts go out to anyone who has lost someone as a result of bullying xo take a stand and help make a change.  This can't go on.  It has to stop.

Tomorrow...

Hope everyone has had a great start to the New Year :) mine has been rather un eventful...
I have been at home since Tuesday with a horrible Migraine.  I go back to work on Thursday (as I had Wednesday off anyway for Lachlan's birthday). 

Tomorrow I am going to go for a walk in the fresh air and sunshine to try and get rid of my Migraine.

I'm still being quite half arsed about everything.  I haven't lost anything nor have I put anything on but this needs to stop.  And it starts tomorrow.

I've often thought how I'm afraid to discover who I really am under this familiar weight.  This is something that I've blogged about a little bit before but after watching tonight's episode of 'Big', it's made me think a bit harder abou it.  I am afraid as I don't know who is on the other side but I am determined to find out.

I need to set myself a new physical goal.  I am so unfit at the moment whereas just a few months ago, I could climb tall buildings (literally!) and run circles around people!  I want to find that level of fitness again.  I know it's not going to come quickly but I am going to train for a new event.  I just need to think what...

But tomorrow, I am going to go for a walk.  I'll walk around the walking track around the corner from home so that if I do end up feeling awful, I can come home.  I'll take it one step at a time and find out what I am scared of.  I am sure it's not as bad as the things I've been few in the last few years....

So raise your glass :)

Wow, what a year!  I can’t believe 2011 has come to a close.  It was a fantastic year.  It’s been one of self discovery, self acceptance, many accomplishments and amazing change.  It’s also been the start of something exciting and the start of something new.

I was around about 205kg at the start of this year.  I had only just had my lap band surgery and was still getting used to adjusting to my new way of life by way of eating and exercising.  I was a little bit off track from memory as well.  In a bit of a pit.  Being a bit ‘half arsed’ about it all as I was comfortable with things just happening rather than making them happen.  I find myself in the same position as I write this although after weighing myself today, I am 165kg.  That’s 40kg gone this year.  I am amazed J and proud. And feel so much better for it.

In 2011, Lachie turned 12, Callum turned 10 and the Twins turned 3.  They make me smile and mean the world to me.  They are amazing little people and I am so proud of them.  They are all amazing and have so much potential.  I'm very, very lucky that I have been blessed with them.

I got a gentle push along from Aunty Ronda, cried when Tracey was crowned Brisbane’s yummiest Mummy, was inspired by Trishy, felt such a sense of pride for both Bec’s in my life, was honoured to meet Mr Eli and Miss Sage, caught up with an old friend from High School (Jo!), thanked Facebook for the fact that I get to watch my dear friend Rachel and her Children from afar, found friends in places that I didn’t know existed and accomplished more than just weight loss. 

My work life was made easier by wonderful friends like Miss Carly, gorgeous Andi, Brendan, Daniel, Romina, Chris, Lizzy, Robbie, Mark, Faith, Lisa (from oh so far away) and Mandy and although my job can be a tough one at times, people like them make it a lot easier to come in.

I learnt that an Apple Mac was not just a computer but could also be an Uncle, I was encouraged by Clinton’s ‘get knocked down but get up again’ attitude, I am grateful that I have such wonderful friends who I don’t know what I would do without - Trishy, Amelia, Carly, Louise, Chantal, Loz, Yasmin, Cynthia, Phil, Ngaire, Riss, Janelle, Nadia, Georgie, Roh, Terral, Kylie, Brett and Jess.

Thanks to social networking, I discovered a whole community of likeminded people.  People who are fed up of being picked on because of their size.  Those who are overweight and accept it for what it is and those who are overweight and want to change.  I find every one of them inspiring and look forward to continue to follow their journeys. 

And to everyone else who keeps me amused with their stats updates and little windows into their lives – Dot, Deb, Neil, Jacqui, Julie, Chantelle, Suzie, John, Angie, Em, James, Amber, Bianca, Matt, Katie, Russell, Miranda, Camille, Leon, Rachael, Ursula, Sharon, Michelle, Lucy, Michelle, Megean, Sandra, Denise, Marion, Sylvia, Rachael – you make me smile and I thank you for that  :)

After 3 years, I no longer needed my seat belt extension, I ran for the first time in around 15 years, I climbed a 46 story building and spoke up against bullying and fatistm.  I raised over $5,000 for The Cancer Council (thorough my stair climb and Relay for Life), managed to fit in my Mum’s car, realised that being able to do your  shoes up is not something you should take for granted, started studying my Certificate IV in fitness and no longer needed to take the shower door off to be able to get inside.  I had my first ‘exercise induced’ asthma attack, bought a pedometer (and the chest strap fit), got rid of the pants that I have lived in for the past few years (they are too big!), started buying cute knickers, managed to finally fit into shoes as my swelling in my feet has subsided and rediscovered my cheek bones!  Ooohhh, and I got new hair :)

I continued to receive unconditional love and support from my Mother and Father and thank them for everything – they are the reason I am here.  In return, I continue to make them proud of me and not just how I am reclaiming my life but for bettering myself.  I am happy I haven’t let them down by making the most of the life they have given me.

Da has pulled out a few surprises from her bag of tricks in 2011 and I love the person whose name rhymes with bore more than I care to admit.

I watched my Nanna fight her battle with Cancer and had my hand on her arm when she took her last breath.  I am proud of my Poppa for how he looked after her and how strong he has been over the past few months. 

My trusty Freecyclers have continued to keep tonnes of waste from ending up as landfill and I want to thank Bec, Danni and Kel for their time, dedication and commitment to making our little group what it is. 

My family (the ones I hardly see and the ones I see a lot of!) are a fantastic group of people and I am blessed to have them in my life.  Too many to mention!  You know who you are :)
My 'banding together' buddies are an amazing support and a wealth of knowledge.  Thank you for everything in 2011.

I will continue to move forward and not let anything hold me back.  I’ve had to make some tough decisions in 2011 but hold no regrets.  I have closed some doors but have had better ones open as a result presenting new opportunities, friendships and adventures.

There is another person in my life who I wish nothing but the best for.  Things have been tough.  And although we have drifted apart, I believe that we can come back together.  There is a much better life for you out there, if only you’d grab it.  You have to want to do it for you but, if you can’t do it for you, do it for the kids or for me.  I know you want more than what you do.  And I know you can do it.  And I’ll be here for you every step of the way.

To everyone who reads my blog – thank you.  And thank you for all your encouraging, inspiring, touching and supportive comments.  And to those who draw inspiration from my journey, I am humbled that I am able to be in such a position to help you discover and achieve your goals.  It’s all your hard work but, if you’ve ever read anything that I have written that has touched you, that’s gives me  warm, fuzzy feeling inside for a few reasons!

The above is in no particular order – just ramblings and scattered thoughts.  I know I’ve forgotten someone (I bet I’ll remember as soon as I press ‘submit’) but, if I have, give me a good kick up the arse when you see me next!  Without you, 2011 wouldn't have been the same. 

So, raise your glass to 2012.  May it be an amazing one for all full of laughter, love, happiness and health.  Life really is what you make it. Make every moment count.  You’ll be thankful that you did.  As for me, who knows what it will bring.  All I can say is strap yourself in as I plan on making it one hell of a ride!

Steph xo