Back at the gym :)

It feels so good to be back at the gym!  I started off by doing 10 minutes on the treadmill, 8 minutes on the cross trainer and 10 minutes on the bike.  I wasn't tired so I thought I would do another 10 minutes on the cross trainer and I am glad I did as afterward, I felt awful (but awesome).  I plan on doing the same tomorrow before I leave for work but I'll increase the activities by a few minutes each to ease myself in. 

Me at 162BPM

I feel so much better after my pity party yesterday.  It wasn't a pity party of sorts.  It was more of a shock at how bad things had gotten.  I've taken before photos several times before but everything has changed since the last one that I took. Today, I called my Surgeon's office and made an appointment to see him in December.  I won't get a fill (I'm quite happy with how I am at the moment).  Although I don't have a lot of restriction, in the past I've found that my band takes a fair while to settle down.  Not something I want to have to deal with right before Christmas.  I'll also get the referral from him for the Plastic Surgeon to discuss my excess skin removal so I can get rid of my 'fat'.  I will be able to move so much more easily with it gone and I'll be able to do so much more.  I know it's a fair way off but it's something I am looking forward to.

I posted on Instagram for the first time in a long time today (my IG is movingforwardlookingforward) and one of my followers said that each time they 'tidied up' their Instagram contacts, they hesitated to delete me as it felt as though they were writing me off.  It is nice that others have had faith in me even when I haven't but like I said on Instagram today, perhaps I haven't always kept on going but one thing I haven't done is give up.  And I won't do that.  

Things are swimming along nicely and I'm enjoying that feeling of achievement :)

Reality bites

I should be having a shower and going down the street to get something yellow for my daughter's dancing class tonight but I need to get this out and write it whilst it's raw.

I weighed in today - I am 192.2kg.  I have lost 5.5kg in a week simply by changing my diet.  Cutting out sugar and caffeine hasn't been easy but it's been well worth my while.  I've gone through a series of mood swings, moments where I feel really lethargic and I've had killer headaches but I KNOW doing this is the best thing for me.  Especially after I took my before photos today.

I used the full length mirror at the gym to take my photos.  I don't often see myself in a full length mirror as I have to put a sheet over the one in my bedroom as my Pug barks at herself in the middle of the night so I only really see myself from the chest up when I use the mirror in the bathroom.  

So, I looked at myself in the mirror, picked up my phone and took a photo from the front and on the side and that's when it hit me.  That's when I realised how big I am.  That's when I saw what everyone else sees.  That's why people look at my stomach when they first meet me as it's almost hanging to my knees.  That's why my back hurts so much when I've been standing for long periods of time as I have this massive 'thing' just draping down like a big sandbag.  I can't believe I am crying as I write this.  It's not something that others haven't seen and it's not something I didn't know was there.  It's just I haven't seen me like that for a long time.  I didn't want to leave the change room.  I didn't want to step outside.  I was so embarrassed but then I realised that this is what people saw as I walked in, it's what people are going to see as I exercise. it's only me who hadn't really seen it and I realised that everything was going to be okay, I just had to take the first step and give this thing one last push.

So I present to you my 192.2kg photo taken today, the 30th of October 2017 and I hope I have it in myself to make sure that this is the LAST EFFING TIME I am at this weight and I need to do everything in my power to stay motivated, stay healthy and keep going.  I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS ANYMORE.  

I shall now wipe my tears, have my shower, chuck a long skirt on and go and get this yellow item for my daughter.  What I'd prefer to do is just hide and never leave the house again. I shall then come home and cook an amazingly healthy meal for my family and just take some time to remind myself how awesome I actually am because right now, I feel like I've let myself down so badly.  The last time I felt like this was when I weighed in at 243kg when I had no idea how much I weighed.  That is what gave me a kick to actually do something about my weight.  Perhaps this is what I need to keep on going and finally do it.

  

Thursday is the new Monday :)

So, I had planned to resume my healthy eating and weight loss journey this coming Monday to coincide with the 28 day challenge that I am doing through Healthy Mummy but after writing my blog on Thursday, I decided to make a start.

I went to aqua aerobics on Thursday night.  I can't tell you the last time I exercised that hard.  I made sure was considerate of my right had (I had surgery on my hand back in May) as it's still a little bit sore.  It was so much fun!  I plan on going back next week.

I worked on my meal plan on Thursday night as well.  I printed out the recipes that I planned on making and forewarned the kids that things are going to change around here.  I don't think they'll notice that much of a change as I've ensured that everything I'll be cooking is family friendly (the main change will be in the way I cook things) but they will certainly notice a change in their lunch boxes.

I have a massive headache on Friday evening and I also had one last night.   I can feel it coming on now but I know it's down to the fact that I haven't caffeine for 2 days (I have decided to give up caffeine - I only used to have 2 or 3 cups of coffee a day and maybe 1 cup of tea) and it would also be because I have been following a plan which is very low in sugar.  

I just started cleaning out the pantry (I am having a little break) as when the shopping was delivered last night, I realised that if this is going to work, I have to get rid of all the crap we have in the cupboard.  There isn't a lot of bad stuff but I knew there was a few cake mixes that had passed their use by date along with some onions and potatoes that resembled science experiments!  I am wishing I took before and after shots at this point as I have seen such a huge difference!  I don't have a big pantry but I do have a lot of stuff to go in it.

I have been doing well with my water intake.  I have had almost a litre today which is really good considering it's just on 11.30am.  Given the fact I rarely drank a lot of water (I would manage a few cups a day), this is great for me.  I'm going to go for a walk today and I'm also going to start a handwritten journal to document my progress an jot down my thoughts.  Things are looking good and I'm feeling great :) it's also great to have the kids on board.  The twins are excited about eating new things and getting healthy.  I'm happy they are keen.  They will help keep me on track.

It's been a LONG while

Hi :)

I didn't realise how long it had been since I blogged but it's been a few years.  Time flies when you're procrastinating and avoiding the elephant in the room (no self weight hate here!) but I'm serious.  I didn't realise how long it had actually been until I signed in to write something today.  I'm not sure how long or short it's going to be - I just need a space to let some stuff out.

I weighed myself on Monday - I'm 197.7kg.  I should make mention that I haven't put anything on or lost anything (nothing on or off that's extreme anyway) in the past 12 months.  When looking at my FatBit data, I was 196.3.kg around this time last year.

What was my lightbulb moment this time around?  A few weeks ago my daughter was bullied at school.  People were picking on her about her weight and it got to me.  It got to me more than I though it would.  Memories came flooding back of my school days and how hard things were for me due to the fact that I was overweight.  Anyone who can relate to this knows that it only gets harder as you get older and when you move into high school, things ramp up a notch.  Some kids are vile creatures and I do not want Charlotte being subjected to that.  She is such a confident, happy and strong girl - I don't want anything or anyone to take that away from her so things have to change.

Whilst we don't eat a lot of what I'd call 'shit', we could eat better.  I always have fruit on offer, my kids have always been given the opportunity to do sports and I do encourage them to make the best choice when it comes to what they pick to eat but I'm sure I can up it a notch and make things better for all of us.  It's up to me to further improve this situation and we're all going to benefit from it in the end so it's time to give this thing another shot.

Over the past few days, I've made a meal plan (thank God for Healthy Mummy!) and I've slowly been planning my comeback!  I had to buy another charger for my FatBit (I have no idea where the other one is) and I've managed to donate some of the food from my pantry to make room for my shopping which will be delivered on Sunday.  I've signed up to the Healthy Mummy 28 day challenge and I'm going to give it my best shot.  I think it's going to be beneficial to have the extra support whilst I kick start this mission.  As for my lap band - I don't have a lot of fill in it at the moment. but I do have some restriction which means I don't feel as hungry as I probably would.  I'm not in a hurry to get it filled.  If you're a long time follower you know that I have to get this done under XRay and it's a pain in the bum to have to get the referral to into the city and hope that it settles well otherwise it's back again to get some out.  I'd like to lose 20kg on my own before getting a fill which means it will be a lot easier and perhaps my Surgeon can do it in his rooms.

The other thing that has motivated me to do this is my 'fat' (I call my lower stomach/fatty apron my 'fat') as I hate it.  It is very much in the way.  People stare at it.  It's embarrassing and I hate it.  I want to get it removed but I have to wait until I am around 170kg.  I can get it removed and then will have to have it removed again once I'm around 80kg.  When I write this I feel like that's forever away.

I'm not sure how to word this but I feel embarrassed that I keep stopping and starting.  I know it's the nature of the beast.  I wish my story was one of these 'I lost all my weight in one hit' but it's not.  I have a lot to work on and I know I'll get there.  I just need to keep going and not stop and accept that if I stop it's okay so long as I get back to it.  I need to stop being so hard on myself.  My failures are what will be the reason for my success in the end.  I was hesitant to write a blog as I didn't want to have the feelings of guilt admitting that I've f**ked up again but when I look at it, I haven't f**ked up again.  I've just stood still but it's time to move again.  It was humbling to log in here today and see the messages I had.  I also had a few on my Facebook page. I replied to them all and I was surprised to see that people still look up my blog!  I'll start updating my Instagram and Facebook as well.  I'll post links for them next week.

Goals for the month of November
- My first goal is to lose 20kg and at that point, I'll go and see my Surgeon for a lap band fill.  I've set my first goal to 180kg (which is just shy of 20kg).
- To SMASH November!  I hope to lose 6kg.  I am sure I can do more but I'll stay modest for now.
- To blog a few times a week.  I find that writing stuff down helps keep me on track.  I also know that I am helping a lot of people out there from sharing my story.  I've had so many people thank me for keeping it real and this is one reason why I shouldn't feel embarrassed that I feel like a broken record when I hear myself say I'm starting again.
- To exercise with the kids at least twice a week moving up to three times a week.  This might sound like a small goal but with Uni and work, this is going to be a bit of a challenge!
- To wear my FatBit every day (once the charger arrives I can do this)
- To log all of my food.  I use 'my fitness pal' to do this.  It's a great app - check if out if you haven't already.
- To drink water!  I always forget to do this but I know how important it is that I do.

I'm feeling excited about where this could lead.  I have faith in myself that this time could be it.  I shall take some before photos (oh joy) over the weekend so I have something to compare with each month.  I shall look back at my old ones for inspiration.

I hope there's not turning back this time.  I need to do this.