Keeping on track by staying focussed

When I woke up this morning, I felt so much better than what I have over the past few days.  I'm not sure if it was due to my big 'spill' last night with what I wrote or if it was simply because I know that I need to just 'keep on swimming' but I went to be at roughly 2.30am.  I got up at 5 and surprisingly, I wasn't tired.  I went to work and the day went well.

I spoke to one of my colleagues who I have such a high level of respect for and we worked out a plan of attack.  Along with trying to understand what I am up against in the way of reading and researching, I am going to do the things that helped when I 'got sick' last time.  My relaxation, writing, reading, running - things I enjoy and things that help me remain focussed.

I know too that I work best when I have a goal set.  So, I am going to try running at least half of a 4km Fun Run with some friends from work.  The mission (should I choose to accept it) is the 'Run for the Firies'.  Brendan (my work mate who did the stairs with me) has set this up as a challenge and I am really looking forward to going along with him.  His Girlfriend, Mum and some other work mates are going to participate as is my eldest Son, Lachlan.  I am going to start training for it this weekend and will start using the Couch to 5k app that I was using sometime ago to get in the swing of things.  I am not sure if I can run the whole thing but I hope to do at least half of it.  I shall track my progress here :)

I think I've made a lot of progress over the past few days.  In a lot of different aspects.  And I look forward to making more as the weeks go by.

Thank you so much for the messages of encouragement.  They have been amazing.  And those sorts of things keep me going.  I can do this - the physical, mental and emotional will all come together once again soon and then there will be nothing that can stop me (again!).

Blah - long post

Sometimes when I start to write my blog, I know what I am going to talk about and the words just flow.  But there are other times when I write, I know what I want to write but although the words should flow, they don't.  Sometimes it's because I'm distracted by all the things going on in the house (that's what happens when you try and have 5 minutes to yourself when you've got 4 Children!).  Sometimes it's because I am not sure if what I want to say is appropriate for a public forum.  I often hold back as I end up thinking what I am writing is boring!  This is my blog and my space.  I sometimes need to just let go and write what I want and if there is back lash, deal with it when it occurs.

As most of you know, I have depression.  I also have borderline personality disorder (BPD).  Something that was diagnosed with a few years ago but the symptoms vary and many of them are ones that I have dealt with since I was quite young.  BPD is confusing.  It's tough.  It's insane.  It's like a big black cloud that just doesn't seem to blow away no matter how strong the wind is.  It sits there above me until it bursts and I can never predict what it lets go.  Lots of tears, upset, anger...  whatever the response to outburst, I am always able to cater for it.  I do a lot of drawing with chalk pastels or charcoal, boxing, different relaxation exercises, reading, running, hot showers - anything to give me something to focus on the present moment.  This takes a lot of practice but over the last few years, I've managed to tune it into a fine art.

As with any mental illness, sometimes the BPD is so unpredictable that I don't know how to react.  This can result in people around me feeling almost the same amount of frustration as what I do to what I'm going through.  Those closest to me know when I'm having a moment and even some of my friends whom I haven't met but have talked to for several years know when there's something not quite right and that's the place I've been in for the past few weeks. 

I also have an anxiety disorder.  It means taking baby steps.  Not thinking too much in advance as I can end up getting quite panicky.  I have several blockers that just pop up and stop me from doing what I want to do.  I am working through these.  Slowly. 

Mental illness doesn't discriminate.  It doesn't care who your friends are, who your family is or what you do for a job.  It doesn't care what size you are, what colour you are, if you're a girl or a boy, short or tall. 

Sometimes it's something that you can overcome.  And in my case both depression and BPD can be managed by medication, natural therapies and other techniques.  The best news for me is both of them are things that you can overcome.  But as with anything, it takes a lot of work.  And that's what I'm doing at the moment.  Working through my issues that aggravate the severity of my depression and the symptoms of BPD. 

Even though these illnesses leave you feeling as though you are alone a lot of the time, I always remind myself of the fact I have so many people around me to help me if I fall.  And that is so comforting to know because recently, I have been just hanging in there.  And it's been tough.

I'm not sure what has triggered this bout of 'crap'.  I know that BPD is like a pressure cooker.  I think that due to the fact there has been so much change recently, I've felt overwhelmed and it's come to a head. 

Where does the issue of 'weight' come into all of this?  I'm an emotional eater and when I feel awful, I tend to eat more.  Which means I put on weight. Which means I get frustrated so I eat and then I put on more weight and then I feel frustrated.  The good thing about the band is I am not able to eat as much as what I would normally and now that I love exercise, I am using exercise as an outlet for how I am feeling. 

Today was tough.  I had a tough day at work.  I've had migraines for the past week.  I also found out that someone very close to me has booked in for gastric sleeve surgery.  They have only had one appointment with one surgeon.  They are the same weight as me and I really worry that they haven't been given all the information required to make an informed decision.  This opened up my black cloud that I spoke about before.  I just started to cry.  I felt angry and confused and scared for this person.  And crying on the train isn't a good look!  Lucky the power was out on all the carriages tonight.  I don't think this person knows the risks associate with having the surgery at the weight they are.  And no matter what I say, I can't seem to convince them to get a second opinion.  I wish them nothing but health and happiness but I also know that the risks associated with me having this surgery would be the same as what they would be if they had this type of surgery. 

I felt awful expressing my concerns to this person.  I felt like I had burst their bubble.  I just want them to make sure they are doing the right thing and making the right choice.  And I can't make the decision for them but I really hope they take my advice and others if they choose to share their plan with anyone else.

I felt like going to the gym as soon as I got home but I wasn't able to as I couldn't work my pass :/ so, instead of eating my weight in chocolate, I thought I'd write about what's going on.  Everything. 

I know when I click publish I'll feel a sense of relief.  Slowly, pieces of my jigsaw puzzle come together.  These are some of the things I work on with my psychologist, Natasha. Being able to work out why I am the weight that I am and where it all came from is the best way to get rid of it.  I see her on Saturday and I look forward to chatting with her.

I'm sorry for such a long post.  I feel a bit better.  I know I have a long way to go to get out of this rut that I am in (mentally) but I am on the right track.  Everything will align again soon.  It's just a matter of pulling it in all together.  And I can do that.  Because I am me.  And I have the best people helping me pull through.  You all know who you are xo

Under 200kg - just.

I am happy that today is behind me!

I went and saw Dr Winnett.  I haven't seen him since the 1st of March when I had my band replaced.  I told him right away that I thought that I had put on weight and he was very positive about regardless of having put some on, I will be able to lose it.  I hopped on the scales and I weighed in at 199.6kg.  I think the fact I'm under 200kg is awesome mentally due to the fact that I'm not over 200kg but I like to think that the foods that I have been eating the last few days has contributed to me being under 200kg.  Who knows.  I could have been more at one stage. 

I had 1.5ml in my band.  I was under the impression that it had been empty this whole time.  After 15 minutes or so of trying to fill my band, he said that it would be best if I went down to Olympic Imaging to have it done via X-ray as  he was not able to put the fill in.  And I know that I am to blame for it due to the fact that I have put on so much weight over the past few months.  It was getting easier for him to find the port as time went on now, he wasn't able to do it at all.

I went to Olympic Park and Peter (the man who has dealt with all of my Barium Swallows) was there.  The fill was over in a few minutes.  After it was done, the man showed me how long the needle was that he used.  It was around about 20cm long.  It was huge.  No wonder the man doing the procedure kept asking if I could feel anything.  And although I had a local anaesthetic, he was surprised that I was quite comfortable throughout the procedure. 

I got to work at 1.  And even though I'm the weight that I am, I am feeling fantastic.  I have a spring in my step.  I am happy and carefree and feeling awesome.  I can't wait to see how I'll feel once I lose a bit more weight.

It feels strange having my band filled.  I sipped on some cold water before and I had forgotten what it feels like when it slows down when it gets to that point.  I nibbled on some pretzels before (healthiest snack I could find in the vending machine at work) and had to remind myself to chew, chew, chew.  I have had about 3 tic tacs and have been grazing on small box of Sustain.  I am full after half the packet.  It's a comforting feeling knowing that I have my tool back to help me through my journey again.

My next fill will be at Olympic Park in 2 weeks and I will see Dr Winnett again in 4 weeks.  My goal in the next 4 weeks is to attempt to lose 10kg.  I want it gone (again!).  And I know that I can do it.  It's so easy to put weight on but so hard to lose it but it feels much better losing it than putting it on.  I hope to be full of energy and back to feeling fit again within a few weeks.  I used to feel like I could take on the world.  I can't wait to get back to that.  Even if it means getting up so early to achieve it, I'm after results and results will only come with hard work and determination.  And I'll get there because I deserve to.  I know I can do it. 

So much so, I'm going to go to the Gym - I'm feeling tense and I can't think of anything better to get that tension out other than some boxing and lifting some weights.

So here we go again :)

2nd August 2012

2nd August 2012