Before I start, I would just like to give an advance warning that I am going to be talking about my 'fatty apron' or 'overhang' or 'lower stomach' or whatever you like to call it. I refer to it as 'my fat' and although I haven't written it yet, this may be uncomfortable for some readers to read so if you're not into reading about a topic such as this, I suggest you click right here where you're be redirected to a picture of a beautiful Pug laying on a pink blanket.
If you're a regular reader of my blog, you know I say it how it is and provide an honest, real life account of my life. This topic is no different but for some reason I find it a little more touchy to speak about. I'm not sure why.
As I have lost more weight, my fat has started to hang down more. As I've mentioned in one of my previous blogs, it's almost down to my knees. I can't stand it. It stops me from doing a lot of things. Sitting normally doesn't happen as it has to sit between my legs, I don't have a lap as my fat takes up my lap, I can't wear jeans as there is no way they would fit over my pat and when I wear pants, I am so self conscious of it as I know it looks awful. It's very heavy (anywhere between 15kg - 20kg) and I feel like I'm dragging it around.
I have an appointment on Tuesday to see a plastic surgeon about getting it removed. I made this appointment some months ago as I wanted to lose a bit more weight before I saw him. I have no idea what he's going to recommend or suggest but I am nervous all the same. The thought of standing in front of someone to show them my fat freaks me out a bit and although I know that he does this for a living and has seen lots and lots of fat, this is my fat and is on me!
I'm sure that it's obvious that I am not considering this type of surgery for any other reason than medical reasons. I've been in hospital before with cellulitis because of a sore on my fat. I was in there for 12 days and I almost died due to blood poisoning. When I see the surgeon, I'll chat to him about some of my future thoughts such as my inner thighs and my under arms. As you can imagine, when someone has lost as much weight as I have, your skin sags. I look like a melted candle when I'm standing in front of the mirror naked! Whilst I have taken photos, I will only share them once I've had my surgery. Whilst I love putting everything out there - this is one thing I am embarrassed and ashamed of. Happy to share pics where you can't see everything even if you can see the outline of things.
I'm in a tummy tuck group on Facebook and the girls in there have been fantastic and have offered me lots of support, advice and insight into what they have been through but the only problem is I haven't been able to find anyone in that group who has fat as big as mine but it's interesting to hear that many of the girls in the group have said that the pain after they had their tummy tuck was no where near as bad as what having a C-Section was which is comforting to know. I also know that he will examine my fat, measure it and look at what it does when I'm laying down flat on my back.
Me being me, I naturally catostrophise and think of every possible scineario (good or bad) for every situation! I may go in there and he'll tell me that there is nothing he can do until I've lost another x amount of kilograms or he may tell me he can operate next month. Only time will tell. I shall write an update on Tuesday!
Sunday, February 11, 2018
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
Dear bully
Dear bully,
You and your group of minions have been on my mind a lot lately. I know it's been over 20 years since I saw you but there's not a day that goes past when I don't think of you and what your crew put me through. Whether that be because of an article I read about the long term impacts of bullying or because I see the hurt in the eyes of my daughter when she comes home from school after being ostracized by a group of 9 year old 'mean girls', you seem to enter my mind more often than I would like. I'm hoping that after I've written this letter that stops.
Although this letter is to you, I am also addressing your sheep. The ones that weren't brave enough to stand up to you when you treated others like shit. For obvious reasons, I won't name and shame but you're either A). reading this feeling really proud that you've managed to stay under my skin for so long, B). reading this and feeling remorseful and resentful and are ashamed of the things you're doing or C). not reading as you've moved on with your life and you probably wouldn't even remember my name. My guess is it's 'C' as you would't remember my name as you never called me by my name - you always referred to me as 'fatty boom ba' or 'fat bitch'.
I actually spoke about you today to my best friend. We were discussing the impacts of bullying and this is where your name came up. I googled your name to find out what you're up to these days. I find it interesting that you didn't become the successful television actress that you aspired to be but ended up behind the camera instead. I find it interesting that you have written articles about a topic that I feel very strongly about - marriage equality. I like to think that we have one thing in common that we want everyone to belong and treated as an equal. I read your article with interest and I'm impressed with your use of vocabulary. This was not a skill I knew you had given the fact that you only used a few words to describe me - ones that many mastered in Kindergarten and didn't feel the need to use so frequently as you did once they became an adolescent.
Through my stalking skills, I have discovered that you research social and cultural norms in our society (past and present) and have written some captivating pieces full of long words like the ones that are scattered amongst the pages of my University text books (the ones that I am too afraid to admit I don't know the meaning of so I quickly google them to ensure no one identifies my flaws) and I see you've won prizes for your achievements and dedication. You should be proud. I found a photo of you. You haven't changed a bit. Whilst I don't want to sound like a bully and therefore a hypocrite, I do want to make mention that your nostrils are still rather large. I remember how they would flare open to the point where I would wonder how many sultanas I could fit up them. It's amazing the things that went through my mind when you were centimeters away from my face reminding me of how fat and worthless I was and this is why I had no friends.
I want you to know that you put me through hell. I want you to know how hard it was for me to come to school every day. I want you to know that I have a permanent indent around my stomach from where I used to wear a belt in order to try and make a waste. I would tighten it so hard that my skin would be itchy, red and blistery at the end of the day but at least when I put my hands on my waist, it would look as though I wasn't as fat as I was I want you to know that I wouldn't eat my lunch because of you. I thought this would make me skinnier. I tried the whole vomiting thing as well but that wasn't for me.
I wanted you to know that when I think about the time you locked me off the bus because if I was let on I would 'pop the tyres', I can feel my eyes sting when I try to hold back the tears. If that wasn't bad enough, I can still remember the time when you asked the class to sing 'I feel the earth move under my feet' through the little bus windows as I headed to the office to call my mother to pick me up. I failed the assignment that we were supposed to do as I never saw the play we were supposed to review. In fact, it wasn't long after that I left that school.
I've been bullied before but what you subjected me to was disgusting. I don't even have words for it. It was torture . You seemed to tap away at me bit by bit until I broke. Perhaps if I'd broken sooner you wouldn't have kept going but because I was advised to ignore you or not to react to you as this is the only way it would stop. I didn't react to you and I did ignore you but you were relentless. You just kept on going and going and going. And how I wish I had my time again where I would just tell you to shut the fuck up and just stop but I can't do that as the time has passed so I need to find a way of moving on and this is where this letter comes into play.
You and your friends are part of the reason I am who I am today. You are the reason why I stick up for myself when someone is nasty to me or makes an unnecessary comment about my weight because I should have done it when I had the chance. You are the reason I need to have at least 10 come backs stored up in my mind just in case some smart ass shouts something to me from their car window as I walk down the street because your constant taunts and bullying silenced me and I didn't know what to say. You are the reason I turn Carole King off when I hear her song on the radio because I only hear your voice when it comes on the radio. You're also one of the reasons I'm too scared to go to a school reunion. You are the reason I'll never stand by and let someone do what you did to me.
As hard as it is for me to say this and even though I've deleted and rewritten this sentence a good twenty times, I forgive you for the way you treated me and I'm hoping that I can also forget. One thing I've learnt about bullies over my time is that they bully others because of their own insecurities. Now that I'm older and wiser, I can only guess what yours were and I'm sorry for whatever you were going through at the time that made you feel as though you could treat me the way you did. From what I found out about you today, it seems as though you were able to turn around whatever was eating at you as a teenager into something good and I hope that has made you into a better person. I don't wish you any harm nor would I ever wish what you did to me on you but I do believe in karma and when your karma comes, I hope you think of me just like I have thought of you.
Stephanie.
You and your group of minions have been on my mind a lot lately. I know it's been over 20 years since I saw you but there's not a day that goes past when I don't think of you and what your crew put me through. Whether that be because of an article I read about the long term impacts of bullying or because I see the hurt in the eyes of my daughter when she comes home from school after being ostracized by a group of 9 year old 'mean girls', you seem to enter my mind more often than I would like. I'm hoping that after I've written this letter that stops.
Although this letter is to you, I am also addressing your sheep. The ones that weren't brave enough to stand up to you when you treated others like shit. For obvious reasons, I won't name and shame but you're either A). reading this feeling really proud that you've managed to stay under my skin for so long, B). reading this and feeling remorseful and resentful and are ashamed of the things you're doing or C). not reading as you've moved on with your life and you probably wouldn't even remember my name. My guess is it's 'C' as you would't remember my name as you never called me by my name - you always referred to me as 'fatty boom ba' or 'fat bitch'.
I actually spoke about you today to my best friend. We were discussing the impacts of bullying and this is where your name came up. I googled your name to find out what you're up to these days. I find it interesting that you didn't become the successful television actress that you aspired to be but ended up behind the camera instead. I find it interesting that you have written articles about a topic that I feel very strongly about - marriage equality. I like to think that we have one thing in common that we want everyone to belong and treated as an equal. I read your article with interest and I'm impressed with your use of vocabulary. This was not a skill I knew you had given the fact that you only used a few words to describe me - ones that many mastered in Kindergarten and didn't feel the need to use so frequently as you did once they became an adolescent.
Through my stalking skills, I have discovered that you research social and cultural norms in our society (past and present) and have written some captivating pieces full of long words like the ones that are scattered amongst the pages of my University text books (the ones that I am too afraid to admit I don't know the meaning of so I quickly google them to ensure no one identifies my flaws) and I see you've won prizes for your achievements and dedication. You should be proud. I found a photo of you. You haven't changed a bit. Whilst I don't want to sound like a bully and therefore a hypocrite, I do want to make mention that your nostrils are still rather large. I remember how they would flare open to the point where I would wonder how many sultanas I could fit up them. It's amazing the things that went through my mind when you were centimeters away from my face reminding me of how fat and worthless I was and this is why I had no friends.
I want you to know that you put me through hell. I want you to know how hard it was for me to come to school every day. I want you to know that I have a permanent indent around my stomach from where I used to wear a belt in order to try and make a waste. I would tighten it so hard that my skin would be itchy, red and blistery at the end of the day but at least when I put my hands on my waist, it would look as though I wasn't as fat as I was I want you to know that I wouldn't eat my lunch because of you. I thought this would make me skinnier. I tried the whole vomiting thing as well but that wasn't for me.
I wanted you to know that when I think about the time you locked me off the bus because if I was let on I would 'pop the tyres', I can feel my eyes sting when I try to hold back the tears. If that wasn't bad enough, I can still remember the time when you asked the class to sing 'I feel the earth move under my feet' through the little bus windows as I headed to the office to call my mother to pick me up. I failed the assignment that we were supposed to do as I never saw the play we were supposed to review. In fact, it wasn't long after that I left that school.
I've been bullied before but what you subjected me to was disgusting. I don't even have words for it. It was torture . You seemed to tap away at me bit by bit until I broke. Perhaps if I'd broken sooner you wouldn't have kept going but because I was advised to ignore you or not to react to you as this is the only way it would stop. I didn't react to you and I did ignore you but you were relentless. You just kept on going and going and going. And how I wish I had my time again where I would just tell you to shut the fuck up and just stop but I can't do that as the time has passed so I need to find a way of moving on and this is where this letter comes into play.
You and your friends are part of the reason I am who I am today. You are the reason why I stick up for myself when someone is nasty to me or makes an unnecessary comment about my weight because I should have done it when I had the chance. You are the reason I need to have at least 10 come backs stored up in my mind just in case some smart ass shouts something to me from their car window as I walk down the street because your constant taunts and bullying silenced me and I didn't know what to say. You are the reason I turn Carole King off when I hear her song on the radio because I only hear your voice when it comes on the radio. You're also one of the reasons I'm too scared to go to a school reunion. You are the reason I'll never stand by and let someone do what you did to me.
As hard as it is for me to say this and even though I've deleted and rewritten this sentence a good twenty times, I forgive you for the way you treated me and I'm hoping that I can also forget. One thing I've learnt about bullies over my time is that they bully others because of their own insecurities. Now that I'm older and wiser, I can only guess what yours were and I'm sorry for whatever you were going through at the time that made you feel as though you could treat me the way you did. From what I found out about you today, it seems as though you were able to turn around whatever was eating at you as a teenager into something good and I hope that has made you into a better person. I don't wish you any harm nor would I ever wish what you did to me on you but I do believe in karma and when your karma comes, I hope you think of me just like I have thought of you.
Stephanie.
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