My first appointment with Natasha (and nudie beaches!)

I've had an amazing week :) I sit here feeling content, excited and looking forward to the coming months (and a bit icky and hung over and sorry for myself!).

It's no secret that I haven't been totally on track.  I've had a few ups and downs in the past few months and I admit it - I haven't weighed myself for a few weeks now.  I really don't want to know!  I don't think I've put anything on but if I have, it hasn't been too much.  I've been doing a wonderful job this week though in lead up to my fill - I need to make sure that it's not too much of a shock to the system when I can't eat things like chicken in a few weeks time!

I also am still trying to work out the battle of the Band Vs Alcohol - can anyone give me the answer to this to save me feeling worse than what I intended?  Last night, I had a some drinks (not several but more than a few) and I was rather tiddly.  Then I went to slightly drunk.  Then I think I balanced on tiddly for a while.  I was talking on the phone for several hours and at at around 1.30, I went to sleep feeling a bit more 'with it' but this afternoon, I have felt icky.  And although I hardly drank enough to be drunk, some of the drunk traits certainly have shone through!  One of them being my new found interest in nudie beaches (don't ask - you had to be there!).

Today I saw Natasha for the first time.  She is a psychologist whose main interest is in dealing with people who have had lap band surgery.  I've been writing a lot about finding myself and how I don't know myself at the moment.  I hope that during my sessions with Natasha, I am able to work with her to guide me through the process of working out why I got to my heaviest in the first place and move forward to enable to me to build a healthy relationship with not just those around me but more importantly, myself.  I spent an hour and a half with her today.  I will see her every week for a few months and see how it pans out.

I don't mind me.  I think I'm an okay person :) I am caring, kind, thoughtful, loving, giving, helpful, genuine, upfront - I am sure that these traits shine through to those who know me and also to those who don't.  But it's time that I ensured these qualities available to myself, not just others around me.  I have to keep reminding myself that I deserve this.  Not just remind myself of that fact but also believe it too.

It's almost like my life is on a chalk board - I have things written here and there and I have been erasing parts or putting in them in a different area to deal with later (yes - over analyzing at it's best).  I feel good about how it's looking at the moment and have managed to realize that if someone makes you ore miserable than happy, it doesn't matter how much you love them, you need to let them go or at least create that distance.

I have been feeling a lot more confident over the past few months.  I've been finding several ways to express myself and put myself out there so that I step out of that comfort zone.  Sure, it's scary but the rewards have been well worth the effort :) even things like applying for jobs (internally) have been things that I wouldn't have done 18 months ago.  Cross your fingers for me - I am waiting to hear back about one that I REALLY want.

Life's good :)