Tuesday, July 31, 2012

I think I've finally got it together :) I did say I think...

Sometimes things just click.  I can't explain it.  You wake up one day and you know that the day is different to the one that has passed.  You know that something is different but you can't put your finger on it.  It's the feeling of getting your mojo back.  The fire deep inside has started to burn again and you're ready to tackle whatever obstacle that is in front of you - in my case, a 100kg obstacle.  My last lot of weight. 

When I look at it, I am no longer disgusted by it like I was 18 months ago.  I am intrigued by its shape and its texture.  I like how it's all spongy and no longer firm.  I don't mind the wobbles and bumps and dimples anymore.  In actual fact, compared to what I used to feel like and look like - I look amazing and am finally starting to get some shape.  It's strange how it's hard to say goodbye.  But I've held onto it for long enough - especially this last few months where I have been at a stand still.

This morning, I realised that it's time. I woke up at 5.  Had a bowl of cereal.  I got to work and had my Coffee, had some Chicken and Rice for lunch.  I was in a rush for dinner but for the first time in God knows how long, I checked how many kilojoules there is in the thousand island dressing I intended putting on my salad.  I declined the 'potato boulder' as they call them (deep fried on the outside and soft and mushy in the middle) and I just took the chicken breast off my plate, chopped it up with some tomatoes cucumber and enjoyed every single bite of it.

Tonight, I also went to the Gym and signed up for 7 days to see how I go.  I am trying to work out when the best time is for me to get my exercise in is.  I don't want it to interrupt my family life but I know how important it is for me to do.  I love being at home with the Kids when I get home as I don't even see them when I leave in the morning but if I get up at 5am, go to the Gym and get to the Station by 6.20 then I'll be able to fit my work out in before I leave for work.  I think this is the best way.  We'll see how it goes.  But tomorrow, I'm looking forward to going in and shocking my heart rate monitor into gear and starting back on the Journey that I started almost 2 years ago.

I wish whatever I had I could bottle.  I'd store some away for the times when they get tough.  I might even market it so that others can benefit from how I'm feeling.  I'm happy that it's come back.  And it couldn't come at a better time.  In 2 days, I stand on those scales and I'll have a moment of truth.  And instead of feeling resentful toward my band and my journey like I did 2 days ago, I'm excited and ready to jump back on and give it all I've got.  It's 100kg.  Once it's gone, it's gone.  Once it's gone, I can see what I've got left to work with.  And I'll feel more amazing than I feel now.  And when I look in the mirror, I'll see someone I don't recognise just like I do now.

On Thursday when I get back to work after my fill, I'll take my 'Miss September' shot and post it up on here.  I'll also take my measurements that night and shall reveal the figure that is proof that I have been in a good paddock for the past few months.  I'm hoping it's not too high but I won't beat myself up if it is.

I can honestly say that for the first time in a long time I'm pumped.  Bring it on!

And I'd like to thank you all for your support.  It means the world to me.

Steph xo

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Fill 'er up...

Thursday is looming closer and I'm looking forward to it.  I am booked in for my fill and I'm looking forward to it.

My biggest concern is standing on the Scales.  I am not sure how much I have put on and given the fact BB (my scales) are incorrect, I shall await the verdict from Dr Winnett and whatever it is, I shall post up here and work back down. 

I am actually really nervous about having my fill.  Not the needle part or anything like that.  It's more so the fact that I'll have to get used to the diet of a bandit again.  I know that once I get back on the band wagon (pardon the pun), I'll feel a lot better within a few weeks, if not days. 

I've been out of the game in the last week due to an infection.  I have such a sore throat.  But I've picked up in the last few days and will be back to work on Monday.

I can't believe that it was a year ago that I climbed the stairs!  I know I would struggle to manage a few flights of stairs at the moment with the state that I'm in.  I am looking forward to changing this over the next few weeks.

I've said it before but it's hard to come out and be so honest and upfront about what is going on.  I'll look back in a few years once I've reached my goal and know that everyone has ups and downs and I suppose I am pleased that I am in the position to be able to help others in the same position and give a realistic insight to the life of someone who is overweight and struggles with the ups and downs that go with it.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I've put on weight - just not sure how much yet...

Hi everyone :) I hope everyone is well.

I have worked out that when I am quiet on here, I am normally having a 'break' from my hard work - exercise, eating right, getting to where I want to be and achieving my goals.  And today, I have come here and am forcing myself to write down stuff that I really don't want to write but am going to due to the fact that I need to get it out there...

I haven't been all that quiet in the past few months - I suppose that you'd be able to hear me munching on anything I can get my hands on if you'd seen me.  I have been eating so much food.  I have been eating when I am hungry, bored, sad, angry, sressed, happy - you know the drill.  I am almost to the point where I forget that I have a lap band.  I am happy to state that I've made an appointment to see Dr Jason Winnett on the 2nd of August where I will get a fill.  I am hoping that I have done no damage to my pouch.  I have eaten to the point where I should be full but don't feel full and it worries me that the band has slipped or something like that.  I guess there is no need to worry about something before it's time. 

I'm not pleased with my performance over the past few months.  And I don't need any 'oh dears' or anything like that.  I've slid back a fair way and will use this platform to write what I have eaten each day in hope that I can turn things around.  If you feel as though you need to make a judgemental comment - please keep it to yourself.  Losing weight is tough and no one is perfect.  No one.  And coming on here and typing this is one thing but actually typing it where I know the world can read it is another.

For breakfat this morning, I had 3 Ham and Cheese Coisonts.  For lunch, I had KFC - 2 burgers, 2 pieces of Chicken and a medium chips.  I have also eaten a whole heap of Chocolate.

I am guessing that am close to 200kg again. Which would be a shame as I have been doing so well but I can do it again.  I still think about having the sleeve done - I don't want to go through this anymore.  It's hard to explain.  I know I am in control of what I do and what I don't do but it's more than that.  It's not just physical.  It's also emotional.

I have continued seeing Natasha each weekend.  I have seen her about 7 times now.  She went on a Holiday during May.  I haven't really touched on my weight or my eating habits as yet - we are still covering a lot of other things. 

I know the things that have contribued to me going back to my old habits and a lot of them I can fix.  It's hard to admit it out loud but I need support. 

When I weighed myself this morning, it didn't really sink in.  Nor has it.  I have known that I have put a fair bit on due to the fact that my pants have stopped fitting me.  I'm back into the ones that used to be too big for me.  My bras don't fit as well and I am generally feeling yuck.  I know what I need to do to change that and by taking ownership of it is the first thing.

So, I shall click on save and publish then take a deep breath.  I knew it was never going to be easy.  I just need to make sure I don't take another little holiday from my goals and lifestyle which is effectively what I've done.  Not happy.  But am happy that I am choosing to do something about it.

Until tomorrow...